Just a stone's throw Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 This whole electronic thing is a really huge concern for AP's isn't it. If your BS is a computer geek, you're screwed. My ExAP was and he was totally weirded out about getting caught. Resulted in one of our many NC's.
Owl Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 This whole electronic thing is a really huge concern for AP's isn't it. If your BS is a computer geek, you're screwed. This is a FACT. Interestingly enough, my wife's OM was a PROFESSIONAL computer geek...he had her jumping through hoops trying to avoid being caught. Four different anti-spyware/antivirus programs installed, teaching her to clear history/cookies/search for and delete log files of numerous types. He had a real good idea on how to cover their tracks electronically. He just had no idea what I did in my "former life"...LOL! It took me two hours to go from knowing his name, email address, and closest major city...and his EQ character's name...to having his work/telephone numbers and addresses, his vehicle description and plate #...to knowing a decent amount of his personal history. The bottom line is that once the BS suspects and decides to investigate, it's nearly always only a matter of time.
silktricks Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 fBS here... Things had been "off" between us for awhile and neither of us had been communicating well. I had some health problems (as did he) and we were both battling depression due to those issues. I couldn't take care of him, me, my career, house, yard and 2nd business - he couldn't take care of me, his career, animals, yard, etc.... so we talked it over and decided that it would be best to separate for awhile, as the only thing (other than the 2nd business, which bit the dust) that we actually thought (yeah stupid thinking) we could step back from at the time was each other. (More info could be TMI.....) We remained in very close contact, including fairly frequent sex and joint vacations. He grew even more distant and negative for awhile and I asked him if he was seeing someone else, told him I'd understand if he was - he denied it. Anyway, after a little over a year apart my health had improved markedly, and he wanted me to move home. We sat down to discuss the ramifications of the return and he 'fessed up that he'd been having a "long distance" affair (EA) for much of the time that I'd been gone. He called her and said that he didn't want anymore contact with her. Unfortunately, she didn't take that well, and harassed us for over a year. That was 6 years ago and things are really great between us now, but it took a lot of time (probably 3-4 years) for me to get past what had occurred. Much of the trouble getting past it (for me) was because of all the deception, and the constantly evolving story line (why WS think that "telling" the BS will protect them from hurt is beyond me!!), as well as the constant harassment from the OW. I'll never know for sure that I know "everything", but I finally came to the point where I realized that I didn't need to. I do believe he tried to tell me everything but I did eventually realize that all I really needed to know was that he loves me, deeply regretted what he had done and would never do it again. (My personality is one that needs to "know" as opposed to "believe", so that was a very difficult place for me to get to.)
Snowflower Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) There does seem to be a trend developing about e-mails and texts leading to D-Day. It's easier to track electronic communication...and affairs require intense communication...so it does stand to reason that this is a common medium for being busted. Interesting. I never thought about the fact that affairs require intense communication. But, it makes sense. Pretty much everything you read about here regarding affairs has to do with the intense conversations, whether its via phone, email, texting... I know the endless calls and texts between my H and the OW were a perfect example of this. But, I had never thought about that aspect of affairs...the intense communication that is necessary to keep them going. Hmmm... Technology is both the friend and enemy of an A, it seems! I found the evidence on the cell phone bills after d-day. My H didn't even try to hide it... he says he thinks he wanted to be caught. I/we had always looked at the cell phone bills...we have teenagers, need I say more? So, I can't imagine how my H thought I wouldn't eventually get suspicious? Edited April 29, 2010 by Snowflower
joey66 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 This whole electronic thing is a really huge concern for AP's isn't it. If your BS is a computer geek, you're screwed. Hi Joe, I think that modern electronic devices are both a help and a hindrance. I agree that, once the BS starts looking, it's almost always just a matter of time. But, more importantly, I think it's hard for a person to not change his/her behaviour when he/she begins an A. It's such a euphoric feeling that it's bound to be noticable to the BS, particularly if you've been M for a long time.
Owl Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Odds are, he just wasn't thinking that far ahead. He was focusing on the fun at the time, and not paying attention to what was likely to happen. My wife and her OM were SHOCKED that they got caught so quickly...I think I saw it coming well before they did, but there wasn't anything I could do to get my wife to see what she was doing until it HAD crossed that line.
Spark1111 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 My wife and her OM were SHOCKED that they got caught so quickly...I think I saw it coming well before they did, but there wasn't anything I could do to get my wife to see what she was doing until it HAD crossed that line. Hats off to you Owl. In my case, love truly is blind. We all thought he was working late and traveling for business in the new, high-pressured job we had prayed would receive. We chalked his anger and emotional distance up to job stress. After DDay, when it all finally fell into place, I, like Owl, knew absolutely everything about the affair and the affair partner. What amazes me is that, in the affair fog, they both minimized me and my talents to less...than. Maybe they had to. As a kindly, former investigative reporter, I LOVE when people underestimate me! I have always used it to my advantage....and I am a platinum blonde to boot!
Author JustJoe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 We are hearing a lot more BS stories than WS. I wonder why? Maybe a few OM/OW's should come on and tell about their blown secrets.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I simply pressed redial on my phone..got a wacky number..had my suspicions he was doing something behind my back JUST last friday night..and well I reversed her number..got her full name and address..and told her to come clean with me on the phone or I'll go to her house and we can do it face to face. She fessed up!
seibert253 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 BS here. WW did a complete 180 for 4 or 5 months. A complete opposite from the woman I loved and married. I knew something was wrong after the first couple of weeks but was in denile. Guarded her phone better than the Army does at Ft. Knox. She never was a "computer person", but suddenly she's online chatting and emailing. Refused to let me see what she was doing or give me any passwords, "I have a right to my privacy". One night she was out with the OM, when he got stopped by one of my brothers in blue. Of course when he checked their ID's he didn't know my wife, but knew her name from our conversations. He called me right after they left, and I was waiting when she got home. At first she lied, telling me she was at her friends house. When I told her who she was with, what car they were in, and where they got stopped, she got really pizzed. She left saying she was going to her brothers home to stay the night. She did stay there as I confirmed with my SIL. I installed a keylogger on our computer, and checked her cellphone records online. Hundreds of texts, day and night to one number. Ran a check on the number, came back to OM. Got the password to her email, bam, hundred of emails. She didn't know how to delete them, thank God. Printed them out, then later confronted her when she finally got home 2hours later than usual. Lied, lied, and lied some more. Showed her the text numbers, got the "he's just a friend" speech, yada yada. Brought out the email print outs, then started reading them to her. Tears, crying, then "I'm sorry". Shortly after that, confession. Later in counseling she finally admitted to me if I had not confronted her with the evidence, she would have continued to lie and would have never confessed. OM got kicked to the curb after about a week of foggyness and "confusion" on her part. Contacting the OM's W and forwarding her the emails helped kick her off the fence. Exposure to family friends also helped. They were tremendously helpful in helping her "see the light". 2 plus years later, and with much hard work, honesty is now the bedrock of our M. I'm still not "over it" and I'm honest with her about it. When I get angry, I as calmly as I can let her know. She has also not completely healed, and carrys alot of guilt and shame for what she did. Together we move forward.
Author JustJoe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Seibert, do you think she will ever cheat again?
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 We are hearing a lot more BS stories than WS. I wonder why? Maybe a few OM/OW's should come on and tell about their blown secrets. Here's something I forgot to add. We've had two D-days. After D-day number one, he got a disposable phone just in case she would order itemized bills. As predicted she didn't so after a few months he went back to calling me on his regular phone because it was just more convenient. Stupid. I'm sure he would agree. D-day number two she got smarter and learned how to setup an online account. This was during the withdrawing from the M plan he began in order to be with me full time. And boy did she notice the withdrawing! She was following him around town and scrutinizing his every move. I kept trying to get him to discuss the details of being a step ahead such as getting another phone but he 'had a grip on it'. Not so much.
Author JustJoe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 White Flower, with all due respect, I can't decide whether your MM is the shrewdest man alive or a total goof.
dumbchick Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 sorry to muscle in but I cant seem to post a new thread and I,ve been following this oneand others and it has made me realise I am not going mad. I feel everything that others have. I found out on Xmas day about EA that had been going on for 6 yrs off and on. Partner Tried telling me it was a friendship as far as he was concerned. I was totally devastated as I hadnt a clue, honestly.Found out after a txt came thru with a name I didnt know and curiousity made me open it. My world fell apart. To cut short we decided to try to salvage what we had. We'd been together 20 yrs and he said he never stopped loving me it just happened when he had to work away from home for 4 yrs. She wanted more but he said he'd never thot about leaving me. It was never sexual and I do believe that bit of it. He phoned and told her it was over in my presence but discovered in Feb it wasn't. This is the addiction thing. I've tried to see it from all angles.He now changed his no and as far as i know there's been no more contact. I cant control the anxiety I feel and still have very dark days when I can hardly breathe but we are now doing lots together and talking. we have a long long way to go and I'm sure it wont be easy. I guess my biggest fear is that contact might still be started up again altho its been 2 months and I've found no evidence. Am I deluding myself or do we have a chance of making it. Cant find a thread where EA has gone on this long
NoIDidn't Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 This whole electronic thing is a really huge concern for AP's isn't it. If your BS is a computer geek, you're screwed. Or doubly screwed, maybe triple-ly (new word, lol) when all three people involved are computer geeks. My previous profession involve training in hacking - he didn't stand a chance. LOL. He knows it now. :laugh:
OWoman Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 We are hearing a lot more BS stories than WS. I wonder why? Maybe a few OM/OW's should come on and tell about their blown secrets. No "blown secrets" here. My H had told his xW (during the A) that he had "someone else" and was planning on leaving the M. She chose not to believe him. She carried on as before, while he got all his ducks in a row to leave. When he left, he told her he was now leaving, and she STILL didn't believe there was "someone else". She still thought it was all a ploy to get her back into MC....
OWoman Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 But, more importantly, I think it's hard for a person to not change his/her behaviour when he/she begins an A. It's such a euphoric feeling that it's bound to be noticable to the BS, particularly if you've been M for a long time. .... or not. My H had been M to his xW for more than 30 years. They lived such totally separate lives she didn't notice - or care to notice - a thing. OTOH he was much happier, spent much more time with the kids and was far more accessible to them than his previous chronically depressed withdrawn state, so THEY noticed... and he told them about the A, about me, about our plans... but the BW? Even when he told her there was "someone else", she didn't believe him. She was so convinced she knew him, knew what he was up to and all.
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 White Flower, with all due respect, I can't decide whether your MM is the shrewdest man alive or a total goof. Maybe both, lol. If you only knew what he had to pay in taxes this year one would think a measley disposable phone was milk money. He weighed the cost and trouble of dealing with a second phone against knowing his W and anticipating her move. He was wrong, even though I warned him.
Author JustJoe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Owoman, sometimes people will ignore reality. It seems that your MM's W is one of them. My WS's H was the same way, he knew she was living with someone else, but tried to ignore the situation............ WF, maybe YOU should buy the cheapskate a disposable phone:laugh:
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Owoman, sometimes people will ignore reality. It seems that your MM's W is one of them. My WS's H was the same way, he knew she was living with someone else, but tried to ignore the situation............ WF, maybe YOU should buy the cheapskate a disposable phone:laugh: Wanna know what's worse? He still had the old one hidden away and was just too lazy to activate it! That's how much he believed his W would never try to catch on.
Author JustJoe Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 WF, I really think you need to up-grade on boyfriends.
White Flower Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Wanna know what's worse? He still had the old one hidden away and was just too lazy to activate it! That's how much he believed his W would never try to catch on. WF, I really think you need to up-grade on boyfriends. Or get the one I have to upgrade on Ws:cool:. JUST KIDDING to all BW. We'll call it a lateral move which includes a little more harmony.
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