Supplemental....Disclosure

[JustJoe]

I would like to ask only those AP' whose affair has been disclosed, did you or your AP voluntarily disclose or did someone else or something else ( texts or e-mails) , "out", you? This is another part of my on-going attempt to understand my affair, so any D-Day stories would be greatly appreciated. As always, please be respectful , even in disagreement.

[4321sn]

I would like to ask only those AP' whose affair has been disclosed, did you or your AP voluntarily disclose or did someone else or something else ( texts or e-mails) , "out", you? This is another part of my on-going attempt to understand my affair, so any D-Day stories would be greatly appreciated. As always, please be respectful , even in disagreement.

 

My husband discovered the A through phone records and because I was acting off. Sometimes the breakfast dished were still on the table when he got home...even when I wasnt with MM i was too preoccupied to do anything around the house. My behavior changed.

 

I had been throwing out the phone bills and just paying them before he could see. I changed the online password so he couldnt check the account. He finally asked me for it...there was nothing I could do at that point...

 

Hundreds of calls and texts...calls lasting 2-3 hours to a number out of our statr. MM had moved from one state to mine but hadnt changes his number...the area code was a red flag along with the number of calls. I knew it was about to blow up...Couldnt reach MM in time.

 

H texted MM from his phone. Said "call me at this number" signed my name. MM calls him

Makes up some lame excuse about who he is... H threatens him...

 

Needless to say it was a horrible day.

[JustJoe]

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad. Are you divorcing? Or trying to work it out? It seems that a lot of A's are being discovered by electronic means.

[Spark1111]

FBs here.....

 

He accidentally picked took my cell phone and left me with his as we were waiting for our children to arrive by plane to HIS family's reunion.

 

A text came in as I was playing Scrabble with his sisters and he and his BIL were circling the airport.

 

It read: Come back and hold me, hold me forever. I scrolled to the previous one, sent by him. It read: You are the one that I want! I want to reach my goals and take care of you and your child forever!

 

In shock, I still scored a 7-point word and won the game.

 

I stayed cool, waited until we arrived home, and still sweet to him, went into investigative journalist mode.

 

I knew everything within 48 hours and confronted him, told select family members and friends, and started planning a future without him.

 

He WAS becoming reckless and in retrospect, I believe he wanted to get caught.

 

Why? I think she was pressuring him for a commitment, and he couldn't figure a way out of it.

 

Coward.

[JustJoe]

Sparks, it really seems that technology is having a determental affect on infidelity.

[4321sn]

We are divorcing. He wanted to save the marriage for many months but I couldn't.

[carhill]

MM - self-disclosed. Since such behavior is far from my character, stbx reacted with shock more than anything. One of her rare visible emotional responses. Since I had told her about the person before we got married many years ago, she knew who it was, but did not 'know' her. I facilitated the 'getting to know' part as an aspect of resolution while in MC.

[JustJoe]

4321, Sorry you weren't able to work it out, but maybe you can find someone else, or are you with your AP?........Carhill, since you said, "STBX", apparently the "getting to know part", was less than successful?

[carhill]

My overview, based on a few interactions, was stbx doing the negative sell. Personally, I think stbx would've been a great match for the ladyfriend's BF. Their worlds appear to be equally small. Glad I fixed my people-picker. I'm rid of all of them now

 

IMO, my aberrant and inappropriate behavior was a wake-up call to address the marriage. We did, clarified the irreconcilable incompatibilities, and moved on.

[MizFit]

All 1 MM...

 

1st -- he had purchased a train ticket me for a weekend away. He had sent me the confirmation via email and not deleted the 'sent' copy. Almost 2 months later she came across it and that was DDay number 1.

 

2nd -- evidently I had some bizarre virus on the computer and an email was sent to every single person on one of my contact lists, including him. It threw out a message about 'you should see my vacation pictures'...she saw it and he hesitated just a little bit too much.

 

3rd -- his wife was told by a 3rd party. We believe it was a friend of his.

 

All within a 4 month period.

[4321sn]

4321, Sorry you weren't able to work it out, but maybe you can find someone else, or are you with your AP?........Carhill, since you said, "STBX", apparently the "getting to know part", was less than successful?

 

Still with AP...hes MM and trying to resolve his marriage as well. It is doesnt work out, I will be alone for a while and work on my self...then maybe meet someone else

[JustJoe]

Mizfit, you can't seem to win for losing, can you. You might just as well told him outright as to have all this stuff happen. So how is it going?........4321, I really wish you luck, more about working on yourself, than about MM, most A's don't translate well to an open relationship.

[White Flower]

I would like to ask only those AP' whose affair has been disclosed, did you or your AP voluntarily disclose or did someone else or something else ( texts or e-mails) , "out", you? This is another part of my on-going attempt to understand my affair, so any D-Day stories would be greatly appreciated. As always, please be respectful , even in disagreement.

Hmm, well, we DID have a D-day because his W became suspicious, but he was able to convince her that we were only friends and that most of our time together was spent over the phone. I suppose I am grateful that she doesn't know too many details. I wouldn't want to know hers either.

 

Having said that, the answer that pertains to your question is that something told BW the her H was somehow involved with someone. He had been withdrawing on every level as a plan to eventually leave her and boy, did she ever notice! She created an online cell account and looked up the records. She called me within minutes of setting it up and never left a message. She called him home (by disrupting our call BTW) and when he got there she made him do a NC call to me in front of her.

 

We had discussed how it would go down should she ever confront him and the plan was to just confess but he hedged big time. He is in counseling trying to figure out why he blew it because he said he wanted me so badly and still does. We'll see what counseling does for him.

 

So in the end, it was her paying attention to her gut, then getting the info electronically which is exactly what I would have done, did do, in the same situation. I just can't fathom as to why it took her so long. Oh yeah, he was good at faking it! But when he put his withdrawal plan into action she took notice real quick. That is how I know he wasn't pulling my leg.

[fooled once]

I would like to ask only those AP' whose affair has been disclosed, did you or your AP voluntarily disclose or did someone else or something else ( texts or e-mails) , "out", you? This is another part of my on-going attempt to understand my affair, so any D-Day stories would be greatly appreciated. As always, please be respectful , even in disagreement.

 

It was discovered by his wife (I wasn't married). She supposedly found a picture of him and I in his wallet and confronted him. She had him call me to end it (I heard her on the other extension). He called me the next day crying and telling me she made him do it (break up with me).

 

Looking back, I was so stupid to believe any of this and to allow myself to be talked back into seeing him.

 

She figured out we were still involved and called me, 5 months after she first found out. We chatted for about 30 minutes. We both knew he lied to each of us and yet we both felt justified in our actions

 

God, I was so stupid, naive and just dense!

[datura_noir]

I called my then boyfriend/now husband one day at work because he was not acting right. I said we needed to talk. About three weeks later, after no resolve, something told me to look through his briefcase that he had left behind to do some work for his friend. I found two unsent hallmark cards, the kind you send to someone you are falling in love with, want to grow old with, etc...

 

I also found the OW's address tucked inside these cards. I called him immediately and said "we need to talk about (OW)." He came right home, gaslighted me, tried to say they were friends, there was a possibility of a future of them together, and that I was to blame for all of our problems. HMMPHH!

[jwi71]

BS here.

 

I discovered my now xW's A when she skipped our daughter's 5th birthday party to shag her OM.

 

D-day was pretty typical I guess...devastating for me.

She played the perfect remorseful WS at times, other times not.

I gave her rules, NC, etc. She broke them and started seeing him again a few months later in secret. A friend of hers told me. I then got my proof again.

 

I tried the whole stay for the kids bit for a few weeks, 6 I think. Close enough anyway. That sucked as seeing her was a daily slap in the face.

 

So I divorced her.

 

That was basically two years ago. However, her moving out and filing was a HUGE relief for me. I mean really...I didn't even realize the stress and pressure I felt in the M after D-day. She hadn't been gone for 48 hours when I realized and knew D was right for me.

 

Continued IC (grief, PTSD, anger, et al) up until about 6 months ago when my IC fired me. Nothing more for us to talk about.

 

In fact...I'll share his last little allegory.

 

"Imagine this marathon runner. He's running this race...hard as he can. And he gets hit and run-over by this bus. So they helicopter him to the ICU to treat all the immediate wounds and control the immediate bleeding. After some time, the doctors move him to the general population where doctors continue to mend his wounds, bones heal, muscle grows and tendons reattach. He begins to learn how to walk again, however unsteadily. Once he can more or less walk around...they send him home for outpatient care. He goes, every week to a doctor who helps him walk, climb stairs, maybe even jog a bit on the treadmill. And then there comes a point where the doctors can do no more. The bones, muscle and sinew have healed. Its time for the patient to start running again. Now go run".

 

Almost verbatim.

 

Life after the A is AWESOME.

[JustJoe]

It's amazing how little, unimportant things will lead to disclosure, and sometimes it seems like there is a sixth-sense, telling the BS that something is wrong. White Flower's case is a good example, there was something wrong with the way that the WS was acting, that gave the BS a hint, and she took it from there.

[White Flower]

Life after the A is AWESOME.

What a wonderful story. I'm happy for you.

[MizFit]

Mizfit, you can't seem to win for losing, can you. You might just as well told him outright as to have all this stuff happen. So how is it going?........4321, I really wish you luck, more about working on yourself, than about MM, most A's don't translate well to an open relationship.

 

In all fairness he's always pushed it right to the limit and I may surmise some of his reasons, I'll never know for sure. MM is quite different from most...he has never once said he'll leave and be with me. He has always said he will do what he must to stay home. Because of that our relationship has been different from the start. The feelings have always been intense, but the reality is always there. He truly has his life and I have mine.

 

All's good thank you...interesting thread.

[JustJoe]

Mizfit, part of the reason I started this thread is the subject matter, but also I was trying to show that all parties involved in an affair, BS, WS, or OP can come and discus an issue without the rancor and rage that is sometimes present in other threads.

[seren]

I know you asked for AP comments hope you don't mind BS commenting on how it was, without blinkers!!

 

D Day, I had been on holiday with friends (H was in Iraq, came back early) and while away I saw very old couple sat on a bench watching the sea, holding hands, realised that this was what I wanted for me and H and we had been moving ever further apart. In fact he was acting like a complete and utter arse. Went home, said that it was time to work out what we wanted to do and that if he had someone else I would help him to sort out our finances, would move out while he got himself sorted and that would wish him well. He told me had had been having an A, I asked if he was in love - No. did he want to be with her - No. Asked him to leave the house for an hour or two as I was feeling pretty angry.

 

He came home, I said that if he wanted to try to rebuild our marriage then I would too. He said he felt relieved it was all out in the open, he text OW to say it's over, I said he should at least talk to her. He never did and that was that (understatement here).

 

2 and a half years later, reconciled, life is dammed good and we are better than ever. I don't love him more because of the A, but despite it.

[confusedinkansas]

My husband "discovered" my affair because my X-Affair Partner hacked into my email & forwarded some emails that another male friend of mine & I had exchanged. I was venting about my husband to this friend. My AP didn't know about the friend - but my husband did.

 

In a round about way & thru investigation figured out that the AP had hacked into my email account. And, was also chatting with people under my name on Yahoo Messenger.

 

He thought that since my husband knew about my "activities" he also needed to know the specifics & that my husband should be upset by my behavior (he wasn't).

My husband also knew I was "friends" with the AP & that we were hanging out on occasion. (at that point in my life I had a lot of male friends - JUST friends) He just wasn't aware of how far things had gotten. So...at that point "the beans were spilled" so to speak.

 

My husband is not aware (or if he is aware, he has never said anything to me) that I was an IDIOT & a year later started seeing the same AP. Boy am I a dummy!!! For some of us it takes more times than one to..... Live & Learn!

[JustJoe]

Of course, Seren, any perspective about this is welcome. There does seem to be a trend developing about e-mails and texts leading to D-Day. CIK, thank you for your thoughts, it seems that you were not as selective as you should have been with regards to your male friends.

[Owl]

BS here. Wife started to act more and more withdrawn from me and the family both. Neglecting pretty much everything other than spending time on her computer, either 'in game' playing with OM or IM'ing him outside of game (I had no idea of the extent of that latter until right before d-day). I suspected, but didn't really want to believe that something was going on with him.

 

Finally I came home from work one day a little early, and watched my wife struggle to try to get a chat window closed but not let me see the contents. We danced around for a few minutes with her avoiding that...and I let her close the window.

 

I hacked her email/IM that night, and enabled logging (only had a few moments to do so, and didn't see anything specific at that time).

 

She managed to keep good guard on her computer over the next 4-5 days so I couldn't get on without getting suspiscious.

 

Finally, one night I'd practically begged her to come up to bed with me...but she hemmed and hawed, and finally I went to bed without her. She came up almost an hour later, and I was so furious I refused to talk to her or touch her when she did.

 

The next morning I managed to get on her computer long enough to email the logs to myself...went to work, and read them.

 

D-day.

 

She confessed most of it when I came home and confronted her with the logs. He bought her plane tickets to go live with him...even though they had never met in person. Long story short, she didn't go and I managed

 

The rest came out in trickle truths over the next two months. Eventually...reconciliation.

 

It's easier to track electronic communication...and affairs require intense communication...so it does stand to reason that this is a common medium for being busted.

[JustJoe]

This whole electronic thing is a really huge concern for AP's isn't it. If your BS is a computer geek, you're screwed.