fatal1ty44 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Huge, MAJOR, crush on one of my ex's friends. Not one of her best friends (they've only known each other for about a yr), but they are still pretty close. I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago after dating for 6 yrs. I've liked her friend literally ever since I saw a photo of her on facebook almost a year ago (my ex and I broke up for different, unrelated reasons). Anyways, I managed to suppress this while I was still with my ex, but now that we're no longer together, I can't get her friend out of my head. We've only bumped into each other in person a couple times, very briefly. Friended her on FB back when I was still with my ex. That wraps up the backstory So, I plan on messaging her on FB (I would text or call, but I don't have her phone #). I typed up a message and saved it, since I like to give everything a nights sleep and reread in the morning before I actually send it out. Unfortunately, this was like, two weeks ago. I've spent this whole time rereading the same sentence over and over again, and trying to think of possible responses she might reply with, and then changing the original sentence to counter those responses. It's driving me crazy, so as a last resort, I'm hoping more minds are better than one... hopefully you guys can take a look, and tell me if it sounds as casual/smooth as I want it to be. Obviously, I fully realize that at this point, I can't really trust my own opinion, since I've completely over-analyzed this whole thing already. One more thing. A few months back I had casually messaged her, and pretended I had won a couple of concert tickets and couldn't find anyone to go with. I knew beforehand she liked the band. Anyways, got a response back saying that she would LOVE to go, but couldn't since she didn't want to give my ex (her friend) the wrong idea. We messaged back and forth some more, and her point was that my ex is still in love with me, so she didn't want to betray their friendship by going to a concert with me. I, of course, played the whole thing off as just a friendly gesture rather than asking her on a date. So this is now my second attempt (and probably last) at this, and I want to make sure that I make it very clear this time that I like her. So here's the message I was planning on sending her (I bumped into her a few weeks ago, when she wasn't wearing any make-up): "I know this is probably a bit inappropriate, and my timing could definitely use some work, but I just wanted to say I thought you looked beautiful last time I saw you." Do you guys think this will this be enough to make her to think twice? Maybe I should add a smiley to the end of it to make it a bit more casual? My goal with this sentence was to make it obvious I like her, make her feel good about herself, acknowledge the fact that she is my ex's friend, and NOT suggest anything about going on a date, etc. My ultimate goal? Convince her that I'm charming enough, fun enough, whatever, to make her curious enough to go against her better judgement AND MEET ME IN PERSON. I swear to god, i just need that one meeting, and i'm pretty confident I can make her fall for me. Any suggestions/thoughts would be hugely appreciated!! And please don't reply with stuff like "ur an a-hole for going after your ex's friend". I'm not here looking for moral guidance, I'm here to maximize my chances of getting with the girl I'm crazy about. BTW, money is not an issue, so feel free to suggest alternative methods of winning her over. Nothing creepy/stalkerish though please.
CarrieT Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 The first two things you say are cock-blockers; "I know this is probably a bit inappropriate" "and my timing could definitely use some work" You are already invalidating your compliment by putting yourself in a negative light and women don't like that. It is not self-deprecating in any way and makes you look weak. Leave those two things out entirely...
Sivok Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 That's way too forward and showing way too much interest in a first message. Ask her how she's been, that it's been a while. After a couple 'catching up' messages, see if she wants to meet up sometime. If you send that message, even just the beautiful part, she's going to label you immediately as something negative; unless she always had a crazy crush for you too. You need to be more casual about it imo
Trimmer Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 The first two things you say are cock-blockers; "I know this is probably a bit inappropriate" "and my timing could definitely use some work" You are already invalidating your compliment by putting yourself in a negative light and women don't like that. It is not self-deprecating in any way and makes you look weak. Leave those two things out entirely... Agreed. Those two things are like a big flashing sign that says "I figure I'm likely to fail right here in front of you." Out of curiosity, how old are you guys? The whole "pretending to have won concer tickets." thing is a little... young sounding, for lack of a better term. What would you have done if she said "yes", and what will you do now if she asks how that concert went, and who you ended up going with, etc.?
Author fatal1ty44 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Agreed. Those two things are like a big flashing sign that says "I figure I'm likely to fail right here in front of you." Out of curiosity, how old are you guys? The whole "pretending to have won concer tickets." thing is a little... young sounding, for lack of a better term. What would you have done if she said "yes", and what will you do now if she asks how that concert went, and who you ended up going with, etc.? We're both in our mid-twenties. If she had agreed, I would've bought the tickets and took her to the concert. As I said earlier, money is not really an issue for me (not trying to brag, just saying I'm open to crazy ideas like asking her to go skydiving in hawaii or something). Anyways, if she does ask about it, I can easily just say I went with another friend. Anyways, really appreciate the advice. The thing with just starting up a normal back and forth convo is that I've tried that before, and it basically ended up with her saying that she can't hang out with me because she doesn't want to violate her friendship with my ex. I get that, I really do. But I also get that girls will just as easily ignore that if they think what they're after is worth more to them than the friendship... i mean, half the girls I've dated had boyfriends when I met them, who they broke up with to be with me. So... I figure if I can just convince her to meet me in person, things will go fine. The hard part is getting her to take that step. I stuck those two things in at the beginning of the message because I didn't want this to be just another casual, friendly conversation that leads nowhere. I also didn't want to sound completely insensitive and give off the idea that I'm telling her to disregard her friend (i am, but i'm pretty sure it would just make her mad if i go through the process of trying to convince her to hang out with me). So i'm thinking of taking the approach where I just lay it all on the table and make it clear right off the bat that I like her. What alternatives do I have? She is not gonna hang out with me as a friend (proved by the fact that she turned down a free concert to see one of her favorite bands). Maybe I should just tell her flat out that I like her a lot, and want to take her to dinner? But I feel like that has a pretty low chance of success, since she'll just say she cant cuz of the ex. As the title says..... gaaaaaghghghhhh....!
Green Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 The first two things you say are cock-blockers; "I know this is probably a bit inappropriate" "and my timing could definitely use some work" You are already invalidating your compliment by putting yourself in a negative light and women don't like that. It is not self-deprecating in any way and makes you look weak. Leave those two things out entirely... Great advice, very defeatest to ask some one out like that That's way too forward and showing way too much interest in a first message. Ask her how she's been, that it's been a while. After a couple 'catching up' messages, see if she wants to meet up sometime. If you send that message, even just the beautiful part, she's going to label you immediately as something negative; unless she always had a crazy crush for you too. You need to be more casual about it imo Yeah completly agree he was being to foward, and will come off as crazy crush guy. What alternatives do I have? Your best alternative would have been to ask her out on a date like situation when you saw her in person... then if she said yes she would have given you her number. Then when you were alone with her you could have kissed her. If your really don't think you will see her in person again then write the following facebook msg. " Lets F*ck"... k j/k send her this "Lets get sushi at _________ tommorow at 7" if she doesn't like sushi then pick some other tasty yet laid back place
Eeyore79 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 There's no way she's going to date you unless your ex is completely over you. She might not date you anyway, because you're her friend's ex. If you could get your ex's permission, it might help.
Author fatal1ty44 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 There's no way she's going to date you unless your ex is completely over you. She might not date you anyway, because you're her friend's ex. If you could get your ex's permission, it might help. See, I beg to differ. I realize that my chances are slim, definitely. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. I've heard plenty of cases where the guy ends up dating his ex's best friend, and the ex and her friend end up not talking to each other ever again. Sure, it's not always gonna turn out like that, but i mean ****, its worth a try right... i mean, what do I have to lose here? I'm just looking for ways to increase that 1% chance of it happening to maybe 10% or 20%. I dunno, maybe it's just wishful thinking. btw, i can say with total confidence that my ex will unfortunately absolutely not sponsor or condone this, ever, lol. I kinda like the sushi idea. It's direct, without coming off as "crazy crush guy". It's actually pretty similar to what I was originally planning on saying, but I ended up ruling it out since I'm pretty sure she's just gonna reply with "I would love to, but it wouldn't be right since _____ is still in love with you". That's why i've been trying to experiment with different approaches. But i don't really know anymore... after you guys ripped apart the message in my first post, I might just be better off going with the simple "lets grab dinner" message. One creative alternative i guess would be to show up at the restaurant she works at with a couple friends, and play it off like it was random. Then maybe see if she wanted to hang out afterwards. But that's kinda borderline creepy, so I'd rather just stick with trying to get her to agree to a dinner.
Green Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Look if you think there is at all a chance you will see her in person... that is the best way, because when she mentions your ex you can be like "Just go out with me (and smile)" if facebook is the only way just send the msg like i said... but I think friday night is bad for a first date so send it in the morning and be like "Hey, lets get sushi at __________ 7 sound good?" If she then mentions your ex " Lets just do it anyways" be bold unapologetic... don't ever bring up your ex
txsilkysmoothe Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I think she probably already knows you like her. Do you have any reason to believe she is interested in you or attracted to you? Telling you she couldn't go out with you because of her friendship with your ex may have just been an excuse. Or, unlike the other girls you have dated, she values the friendship with your ex and wouldn't even look at you "that way." It sounds like there has been enough contact between the two of you that, if she was interested, she would have dropped some hints.
Ann_Igma Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Anyways, got a response back saying that she would LOVE to go, but couldn't since she didn't want to give my ex (her friend) the wrong idea. We messaged back and forth some more, and her point was that my ex is still in love with me, so she didn't want to betray their friendship by going to a concert with me. My ultimate goal? Convince her that I'm charming enough, fun enough, whatever, to make her curious enough to go against her better judgement AND MEET ME IN PERSON. I swear to god, i just need that one meeting, and i'm pretty confident I can make her fall for me. Anyways, really appreciate the advice. The thing with just starting up a normal back and forth convo is that I've tried that before, and it basically ended up with her saying that she can't hang out with me because she doesn't want to violate her friendship with my ex. I get that, I really do. But I also get that girls will just as easily ignore that if they think what they're after is worth more to them than the friendship... It sounds to me like this girl thinks too much of her friend and just won't give you the time of day. If she has said the same thing more than once to you about not wanting to violate her friendship, don't you think you ought to respect that? By continuing to press, it just makes you come off as a bit creepy. Plus, repeatedly pressing the issue sends a message to her that now you've split up with your ex, you don't seem to care much (if at all) about your ex as a person, which of course sends messages to this girl about how you would in turn treat her. If she is as level-headed as she sounds, that's going to be a huge turn off. See, I beg to differ. I realize that my chances are slim, definitely. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. I've heard plenty of cases where the guy ends up dating his ex's best friend, and the ex and her friend end up not talking to each other ever again. i mean, half the girls I've dated had boyfriends when I met them, who they broke up with to be with me. I know you're not looking for moral guidance, but I can't help but wonder based on the above quotes if you're more interested in the challenge than the actual person...
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 To be honest, as a girl if I wasn't crazily obsessed with you already, the above message would creep me out. P.S. I have also used the friend excuse when I wasn't really into a guy. You need to consider that possibility too, rather than seeing your ex as some giant obstacle in your pursuit of true love.
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