Are men good at reading signs?

[Yamaha]

My gf, on our second date, said to me, " I'm going home with you tonight".

 

How's that for a sign?:eek:

[USMCHokie]

My gf, on our second date, said to me, " I'm going home with you tonight".

 

How's that for a sign?:eek:

 

 

You should have probably asked for that in writing...

[Yamaha]

You should have probably asked for that in writing...

 

On our 1st date she said, "if we have sex I'll fall in-love".

Needless to say we have a very strong sexual chemistry and it has developed into a strong friendship as well.

[homersheineken]

I AM TERRIBLE at reading signs!!! Big time!

 

I can't differentiate if a girl is just friendly or possibly interested. I don't want to come off as a guy that hits on everything that gave him a smile so I usually refrain from any actions.

 

Example 1: Cute girl showed up for a run with our running group. We had a nice conversation - I am genuinely interested in meeting new people so talking is not a problem. She didn't show up for runs a couple of times i.e. we had no contact for 2-3 weeks. Suddenly out of the blue she posts today a greeting on my profile (meetup.com) saying that she hopes my injuries have healed and that she hopes to see me on a run soon. Um... I'm confused - is it her just being friendly or what?

 

Example 2: Cute girl showed up for a run with our running group. Again - nice conversation, she asked a lot of questions about me, seemed wanting to know who I am and what I do etc. We saw each other on another run and she actually remembered me. Again - I'd love to ask her if she wants to meet up for coffee sometime outside of the running setting but can't gauge if she's interested or not...

 

 

Ex 1 - She's interested as at least a friend, maybe more. Ask her out.

Ex 2 - She's interested in you as a person. Ask her out.

 

Moral of the story. Ask her out.

 

Who cares if they want to be friends or not? You don't know and you never will until you ask them (or you'll just keep going on waiting for the "right" signal that just may never come). If they say they're married/in relationship/not interested ... fine. It's better to find out earlier than to keep it in your head what could be a dead-end dream Even if all they want to do is be friends, and you're cool with that, you've now got a new friend (who may have other single friends).

Edited April 29, 2010 by homersheineken

[Jersey Shortie]

I've had men approach me that I didn't even know existed, at places I regular often. Not one of those situations worked out. Then I've had men that I've been interested in that never approached me because I am frankly terrible at giving flirty signs off. I don't flirt with random strange men even if I am interested in a guy.

 

Shadowofman

 

Consider the fact that many women have a problem with men failing to notice them, while other women find men mistaking general politeness as flirting. Men typically just guess as to the feelings of women one way or the other.

 

Some men tend to guess more one way, "no one likes me". Other men seem to guess that most women can't stop flirting with them.

 

This is very true nad sometimes the reason I think some women tend not to be flirty, they don't want to lead a guy on. And why the men that think all the women want them, are more bold and player like but sometimes completely clueless about women.

 

 

 

Great Post by the way Philetus. Very observent of you.

 

 

Stung

OP, men are terrible at reading emotional & social cues, as a general rule (yes, there are of course exceptions). I learned this the hard way, and I still sometimes find it rather amazing, the glaringly obvious neon billboards that my husband just does. not. see. Psychologically it's pretty interesting, though. And certainly there are connections he sees readily that I do not, usually on more tangible subjects.

 

Stung, I am curious what things you think are glaringly obvious that your husband doesn't. If you don't mind sharing some examples. It's particularly interesting because you're not just two people who don't know each other but two people that are married. So it's interesting that a husband also can miss signals.

[Philetus]

For example a girl with a boyfriend pretty much did all the things you saw that woman do, to me the other night. Leaning on me, smiling, giggling, rubbing her leg against me, and the eye contact...wow. She wouldn't BREAK eye contact to the point where I was confused by it.

 

That's not confusing, it's pretty clear. What it is, is trouble.

[Philetus]

I watch men around me and the common denominator I've noticed is that, mostly, they hit on any woman who is remotely attractive to them and doesn't make it obvious that they should stay away, like brandishing a revolver in their direction. They don't bother with 'signs', rather just plow right in. I think the key mindset is that they don't care, whether about the woman or what they're doing in general, so 'signs' mean nothing to them. So, to answer the OP, *most* men are not good at reading signs and, generally, simply don't care.

 

Up to you to decide which type of man is for you. Good luck

 

I wouldn't say I 'hit' on every woman who is remotely attractive but I flirt with absolutely everyone. It's a very fun game and I never get tired of playing it. I go out of my way to talk to women I don't know so I can play. I'm very good at it and I can make anyone laugh.

 

If someone doesn't flirt back, I don't pursue it. Women in relationships will flirt with me BUT the quality of that flirting is different. It's more playful, there are no 'connecting' moments where I'll hold their eye contact and say nothing to see their reaction. A smile during silent, held eye contact means I am IN.

 

I prefer women NOT tell me explicitly what they want. I would hate to lose the pursuit game. There is nothing more exhilarating then meeting someone and without speaking about it having a pretty good idea if she's not really interested, will give me a phone number, kiss me, or even take me home.

 

To me the 'stop' signs are really clear and I don't run stop signs. I don't know why other men would. The only reasons I can think of are desperation and alcohol.

[Philetus]

If I've given them the opening and they don't take it, they're not particularly interested and me asking them out isn't going to make them any more interested. Most guys will ask a woman out if she is paying attention, smiling, talking, laughing, gives eye contact, small touches...but ONLY IF they are actually interested. If they don't ask, they usually have a reason - gf, or not interested.

 

In my case, this is 100% accurate. IF I like you, and you show signs that you like me, I'm asking you out unless I'm involved with someone.

 

If you ask me out, and I'm undecided about you, that will likely make me LESS interested in you.

 

 

 

 

If they need me to ask them out because they can't pick up on the opening or are too chicken to take it, we're probably not a good match anyway. Do I miss out on guys this way? Doubtful. In my experience, even the shyest and most clueless of guys will make a move at some point if he wants to go out with me.

 

Serious question - would you actually be interested in dating the shyest more clueless of guys?

 

My point being... if they can't pick up on the signs, isn't it just better to move on, anyway?

[stillafool]

So my girl friend and I were discussing this today - how oblivious many guys are to hints that we like them. I wanted to ask LS for your opinions. Are men really that oblivious? Obviously this is a generalization, and some men will be more sensitive to these hints than others, but how much more so? What generally lets you know that a woman likes you, aside from her actually telling you?

 

I myself tend to be subtle with guys. Only recently have I started becoming more forward (well, forward for me anyway, haha), but I wonder if I still need to be less subtle.

 

 

I don't think they are. I think once you send the signals men are programmed to pick up on them. If you don't get a response from "hints" it usually means he isn't interested.

[Philetus]

Great Post by the way Philetus. Very observent of you.

 

Thanks.

[Phateless]

This comes down to basic social and emotional intelligence. Some men have it, some men don't, all men wish they had even more.

 

Some guys will get it and choose to ignore because they have a gf, they aren't ready, they just got out of a relationship, etc. I've had women show strong signs of interest and ignore them despite how much I like her because for whatever reason, it doesn't feel right to me at the moment.

 

A lot of women also wrongly expect that just because he noticed you noticing him that he'll have the balls to go talk to you and ask you out. A lot of guys are just too chicken**** to risk rejection.

 

One of my best friends was telling me that he noticed a cute girl noticing him and he wanted to talk to her but he didn't. He made up a lame excuse for himself and let it go.

 

LADIES - when in doubt, start a conversation with him.

[Stung]

 

Stung, I am curious what things you think are glaringly obvious that your husband doesn't. If you don't mind sharing some examples. It's particularly interesting because you're not just two people who don't know each other but two people that are married. So it's interesting that a husband also can miss signals.

 

 

JS, we had a few crossed signals early in our relationship but it wasn't a huge issue between us as I am a pretty direct person and he cares enough about me to pay attention as hard as he can, when he thinks he might be missing something, and to ask. Of course we still have the occasional miscommunication problems that every couple has--people will always occasionally miss or misinterpret each other's signals, no matter how in-tune with each other they usually are.

 

I was referring however to his general skills at picking up subtle signals/emotional cues. We have a kind of partnership worked out around it, since he is not very good at reading the emotional context of a situation and subtle cues of interaction but those are some of my strengths. I help him interpret and navigate some of his interactions with his ex-gf/daughter/mom/colleagues/employees/etc. and he helps shore up my weaknesses in other areas. He still cares about his emotional interaction with the people in his life--he just misses about half of it unless it's pointed out to him.

[inklings]

Thanks for all the input. Didn't expect this many replies, lol.

 

norajane: Hmm, I have to agree that if a guy is interested enough, he WILL actually ask you out. My friend once told me, "No matter how shy a guy is, if he likes you enough, he will ask you out." I don't know how true this is.

 

A lot of the replies have mentioned physical signs of interest, like body language. The thing is, I don't usually do those physical signs of interest (touching, running my hands through my hair, winking, what have you) until I get to know the guy more and am more comfortable doing these things around him. I dunno, maybe you could chalk it up to my more conservative Chinese upbringing, but I'm not comfortable being so outwardly flirtatious with someone until we've known each other for a while. The most physical thing I do is make eye contact and smile.

 

For me, how I signal interest in a guy is through my words. I guess I should have clarified earlier. I will go out of my way to initiate conversation with him, take interest in what he has to say, ask for his opinion on things, laugh at his jokes, etc. But now that I think about it, I suppose my uh... verbal cues could be interpreted as me just being really friendly. Which I am, lol. I really like reaching out and meeting new people.

 

Phateless, social and emotional intelligence, that's exactly it! There are some guys I know who are more perceptive to these cues, and others who are just so clueless that it's either awkward, incredibly frustrating, or oddly endearing. I'm currently interested in two guys and I think one may be more perceptive than the other, but ironically the one who is less perceptive is more receptive, haha.

[SomewhatExperienced]

I feel like I'm pretty observant about these things, but I also take into account that some people are naturally flirty and it doesn't mean anything. So oftentimes I'll pick up that the girl MAY be interested, but I'll wait and see if there's more signals or I may test the waters to see how she reacts.

[Disillusioned]

So my girl friend and I were discussing this today - how oblivious many guys are to hints that we like them. I wanted to ask LS for your opinions. Are men really that oblivious? Obviously this is a generalization, and some men will be more sensitive to these hints than others, but how much more so? What generally lets you know that a woman likes you, aside from her actually telling you?

 

I myself tend to be subtle with guys. Only recently have I started becoming more forward (well, forward for me anyway, haha), but I wonder if I still need to be less subtle.

 

I have a hunch that a lot of people must have read those body language books which are on the market, and they accept the word of those books as gospel.

 

There are no flirt classes that I'm aware of... but I'm a man who can't read body language, nor do I care to. People are always reading me wrong, including times when I'm not even trying to send any signals to anyone.

 

I think the whole nonverbal communication thing was a molehill until someone turned it into a mountain.

[sumdude]

 

I think the whole nonverbal communication thing was a molehill until someone turned it into a mountain.

 

No way, body language and particularly facial expression communicate so much. Smile, frown, grimace, scowl, wink, shrug, roll eyes, shuffle feet, etc etc

[Phateless]

I think the whole nonverbal communication thing was a molehill until someone turned it into a mountain.

 

statistically, body language makes up anywhere from 55% - 92% of communication. These studies come directly from psychology journals.

 

Don't believe me? Spend 5 minutes with google scholar.

 

YOU are probably just a low-context person and you're not aware of what your non-verbal cues are saying to people.

[Dblock10]

let me reiterate this for you-

 

are women good at reading maps..

 

thats how bad guys suck at signs. just be obvious and the rest is history!

[Philetus]

I think the whole nonverbal communication thing was a molehill until someone turned it into a mountain.

 

I don't think so.

 

I'm also talking about unconscious non-verbal communication.

 

The same way when people get in elevators with strangers, they automatically arrange themselves in a way that maximizes the 'distance' between them.

 

I put that in quotes because I'm not just talking about physical distance. If you're forced to stand close to someone in a crowded elevator, you will look down, straight ahead, or away from that person.

 

These are unconscious and everyone does them.

 

If you're talking to a woman and she's into you, she will stand directly facing you and will not cross her arms. This isn't conscious (usually) it just is.

 

If she's not into you, she will not hold your eye contact.

[runner]

So my girl friend and I were discussing this today - how oblivious many guys are to hints that we like them. I wanted to ask LS for your opinions. Are men really that oblivious? Obviously this is a generalization, and some men will be more sensitive to these hints than others, but how much more so? What generally lets you know that a woman likes you, aside from her actually telling you?

 

I myself tend to be subtle with guys. Only recently have I started becoming more forward (well, forward for me anyway, haha), but I wonder if I still need to be less subtle.

 

i'm not speaking for other guys on this, but i'll let you in on my own experiences. yes, i do sense when a girl likes me. and if i seem oblivious, or act oblivious, it's because i've decided not to flirt back, lead her on and have her incorrectly assume that i like her too. it gets even trickier when i genuinely like her only as a friend, but that's a whole other thread of discussion in itself

[tincanman99]

I wouldn't say I 'hit' on every woman who is remotely attractive but I flirt with absolutely everyone. It's a very fun game and I never get tired of playing it. I go out of my way to talk to women I don't know so I can play. I'm very good at it and I can make anyone laugh.

 

If someone doesn't flirt back, I don't pursue it. Women in relationships will flirt with me BUT the quality of that flirting is different. It's more playful, there are no 'connecting' moments where I'll hold their eye contact and say nothing to see their reaction. A smile during silent, held eye contact means I am IN.

 

I prefer women NOT tell me explicitly what they want. I would hate to lose the pursuit game. There is nothing more exhilarating then meeting someone and without speaking about it having a pretty good idea if she's not really interested, will give me a phone number, kiss me, or even take me home.

 

To me the 'stop' signs are really clear and I don't run stop signs. I don't know why other men would. The only reasons I can think of are desperation and alcohol.

 

So how exactly do you flirt with them? Do you tease the? Are you funny? I am just curious what it is that you do.

[Philetus]

So how exactly do you flirt with them? Do you tease the? Are you funny? I am just curious what it is that you do.

 

Some is situational dependent. If it's a waitress, I'll make sure I know her name and use it, for example.

 

However, the universal stuff involves comedy, eye contact, and probing/responses.

 

I am very good at making people laugh. I've worked in comedy for 20+ years as a performer, director, writer and corporate trainer.

 

So, I use comedy to make women laugh. I'm very adept at using comedy to put women at ease and get them to open up. If they have no sense of humour, I'm dead. However, I rarely find anyone I can't make laugh.

 

Once a woman is laughing/smiling/at ease, I'll try to make eye contact and hold it JUST longer than is normal and smile.

 

Then I focus the conversation on her. I ask things like "What do you like to do?" I never ask "what do you do for a living?" I look for interesting stuff in her conversation. I'm pretty smart and can talk about a huge range of subjects. People LOVE it when you're interested in what they're interested in. I keep smiling and making them laugh.

 

During this there is lots of eye contact and I hold the eye contact longer and longer. I'm very good at sensing if someone is uncomfortable. Their eyes will get bigger, they'll look away quickly instead of slowly, etc.

 

If we're close then I'll start probing. I'll reach my hand out towards her (without touching). Or, I'll touch her arm or hand and see her response to those things.

 

If that all goes well, I stand just within her personal space. The next move is a kiss.

 

Before I kiss someone the first time, I always know that it's okay for me to do so.

 

It's superfun.

[Phateless]

So how exactly do you flirt with them? Do you tease the? Are you funny? I am just curious what it is that you do.

 

Gentle teasing, mild flirting, occasional touching... basics. Joking around is good. Step 1 is to make her laugh, step 2 is to draw her in by talking about things that are interesting and engaging to her, and listening to what she has to say.

 

Lightly making fun of her in a friendly way is usually good. Smiling warmly while calling her a dork never fails.