locamia Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Hey all. Came across this site looking for info on my hubbys new 'problem'. A little background..I am 31 he is 29, been married 9 years, together 11, and have 3 kids. I'm a stay at home mom. We have an excellent marriage..we get along great (other than bickering here and there when the kids are stressing us out... we always say if we didnt have kids we would be sickening), we enjoy eachothers company, we respect eachother and do what we can to make eachother happy. It is not a perfect marriage but really our only major issues are stress from our kids and the fact that I have no sex drive (this is a separate issue I plan to post about). As far as sex, he wants it CONSTANTLY and I have lost almost all my desire for it since giving birth to my twins 3 years ago. I never in a million years would have thought I would be sitting here wondering why my husband is going limp on me since as long as I've known him he is a walking hard on..gets them numerous times a day sometimes for no reason but usually when he is fondling me in passing or whatever little intimate interaction we have in a given day. So this 'problem' started about a week ago..I dont remember what the situation was the first time because it had never happened before and I got it right back up so I didnt pay much attention. But now it has happened 2-3 more times in the past week. The next 2 times were in the shower because this, with the exception of our Sat. night 'appointments', is the only place we can get away from the kids to do it. I didnt make a big deal of it, atleast not to him, but we also couldnt ignore it either. He said he thinks its because hes getting tired of being confined to the shower (as am I) and the interruptions from the kids are getting to him. Same thing the second time in the shower except this time it went limp while he was inside me!..and neither one of us were able to get it back up! How does that happen?! We ended up just giving up. I felt so bad because it's rare that I am all about it and this particular weekend I was..this being the 4th time having sex in 3 days...which could also have been atleast part of the problem ..sometimes we go 2 weeks with none and then hes expected to try to get it up 4 times in 3 days the next week! Bottom line..I know our current situation isnt indicative of a healthy sex live but whats bothering me is that NOTHING IS DIFFERENT. We are always confined to the shower, we always have interruptions unless its a Sat, and the amount of sex we have is always different week to week...so why is this happening all of a sudden? I cant help but think its me. It seems crazy even to myself because Im pretty confident he is very attracted to me. He cant keep his hands off of me and always wants sex. But on the other hand Im thinking to myself..I just turned 30 and feel like my body has changed alot this year..maybe Im not as attractive to him? I dont know what to think. Sorry for long post but any ideas would be appreciated
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Hey all. Came across this site looking for info on my hubbys new 'problem'. A little background..I am 31 he is 29, been married 9 years, together 11, and have 3 kids. I'm a stay at home mom. Could he be cheating? Guilt can cause such a problem.
norajane Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 It probably is the stress build up. And if it happens once, then it will be something he worries about next time you have sex, and the worrying about going limp can actually make him go limp. When was the last time you two took a vacation without the kids? Is that something you can do? Maybe even just a weekend getaway together could give you the break you both need to refresh, mentally and physically.
123BeachFan Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Your sex is rushed and confined to the shower You say you lost your desire for sex since your twins were born There are kids in the house, which can distract from sex, to say the least Your frequency is dictated more by stolen blocks of time and less by sex drive Yeah, I can see why he's not the raging hard-on you've known all those years Make it a point to have time together. Have a Date Night once a week where you put each other first and foremost. Hire a sitter, or drop the kids off at grandma's for the evening. You need some unrushed, romantic, together time to keep the passions burning! Now, speaking of passion, you need to work on yours as well. This isn't just his problem. Rather his non-erection is more obvious than your lack of desire. You both need to work at it.
MichelleZB Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I don't think you have evidence of erection problems, at least not yet. Your husband is getting older and it's quite normal not to be able to keep it up after having sex all weekend--especially if he's no longer used to having sex at all frequently. Focus on rekindling intimacy between the two of you, and I bet it'll be fine.
You Go Girl Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 She's afraid that her body is less attractive to him, and that is making this happen. I highly doubt it is that--don't worry--it is all the other contributing factors. I agree with all posters that say make time for physical intimacy between the two of you where you don't have to rush and worry about those kids. That can be too much pressure!
tnttim Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Sex is not a thing that should be scheduled or expected, it takes all of the feeling out of it, literally. The above poster is 100% right, the more you think about it the more it will happen, the old snow ball effect. I think a fair amount of sexual teasing throughout the day will help him keep it up. Don't be so easy if you have been in the past, be more reserved, then you come up and grab his crotch, or kiss his neck. If he's been the agresser, you be the agressor from time to time. Icksnay on the shower for now, there is some bad juju in there now for both of you. I know if you put your mind to it, you can find a new place to initiate some steamy sex, like a closet, the car, the garage, anywhere but the same old shower.
Author locamia Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Well I'm so relieved to see others chimed in..I was so upset I couldnt fall asleep last night because the 1st and only reply was 'could he be cheating'? Not that it hadnt crossed my mind, I think its in the back of every womans mind especially those who've lost their sex drive, but to see that it was the 1st reaction to my situation was a bit disheartening! No he is definitely not cheating on me and dont think he ever would. I am somewhat insecure so its hard to convince myself its not me cuz I feel like I dont look as good as I did a year or two ago though. So many other good points I appreciate all of your input. My favorite part was our 'frequency is dictated more by stolen blocks of time and less by sex drive'..so true! Instead of 'I'm horny lets have sex' its more 'well its Sat. night I guess we should go upstairs now'! Kinda depressing. Agree that it could be a vicious cycle ..it happens once cuz of stress, age, awkward circumstances, etc and then its just on his mind every time causing it to happen more. I need to find a way to change it up even if it means locking ourselves in the garage or waking him up when I come upto bed..something! ..plan a weekend away to reconnect which Ive been wanting to do anyway. So easy to lose touch when our lives are kids/work. I also agree that this isnt just his problem at all, believe me when I say I would love to feel the desire that he feels, I just cant figure out how to. I even try to 'be the aggressor' sometimes but I feel like its forced..almost like if I tell myself and act like I want it maybe I really will. I dont want him to be unfullfilled but is it not dishonest to pretend I want it? How do I 'work on my passion' when sometimes I feel like that part of my brain has just shut down on me!?
2sunny Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 too much masturbation could be the cause. it's a different feeling so when he is ready to be with you - the stimulation may not be the same as when he's holding himself. essentially it's as though he's making himself numb... or numb to you and the feel of you. we are soft and pliable - unlike the hand. tell him to lay off the self service for 5-7 days and you should see improvement if this is the cause.
SavannahSmiles Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Sex is not a thing that should be scheduled or expected, it takes all of the feeling out of it, literally. I disagree. I love looking forward to my "appointment". It doesn't take away from the passion or feeling at all.
Luv2dance Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I disagree. I love looking forward to my "appointment". It doesn't take away from the passion or feeling at all. I also think that "planning" a "date night" can be exciting! It's great to think about what you get to do later! I would agree that the pressure of shower & kids can be a disaster waiting to happen. After it happens once then it just seems to be a cycle b/c the man will be thinking about it the next time. Hang in there and try to break the quickie shower routine!
jenifer1972 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I think our generation is way overboard on the 'kid centric' scale. You need to set boundaries for your kids. Lock the door. Send them off on play dates, leave them with a sitter, whatever you need to do to become a sexy lover again and not just a mommy. Consider getting a bit of testosterone cream to use topically to boost your own desire. Right now I think your husband knows his priority and needs take second place, and he may have resorted to satisfying himself on a more frequent basis.
Author locamia Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 The obvious answer is that he's having sex with someone else and therefore has no energy left for you. I disagree. The only thing thats obvious to me is that youve put absolutely no thought into your reply. He is not cheating. We've been completely open with eachother about our sex life and although I am not giving him as much as he wants we both agree it is enough to keep him happy. tell him to lay off the self service for 5-7 days and you should see improvement if this is the cause. Will try this. I know he looks at porn and I know he masturbates. He doesnt masturbate in front of me but again we are very open about it. He looks at porn when I am around and is not ashamed to tell me when he masturbates. I am fine with it because I know its kind of just a fill in until the next time he can get it from me. I also dont pretend to know exactly how often he is doing this so it definitely could be a contributing factor. Could he be afraid of another pregnancy? Nope. Wanted 2 kids..2nd pregnancy was twins so I had my tubes tied. I think our generation is way overboard on the 'kid centric' scale. You need to set boundaries for your kids. Lock the door. Send them off on play dates, leave them with a sitter, whatever you need to do to become a sexy lover again and not just a mommy. Consider getting a bit of testosterone cream to use topically to boost your own desire. Right now I think your husband knows his priority and needs take second place, and he may have resorted to satisfying himself on a more frequent basis. I agree! I cant even pee without my kids following me into the bathroom and we dont have regular playdates or alone time. I really dont feel like I am a mommy before a wife tho...my husband stresses me out a hell of a lot less than my kids do! The way we both look at it is our kids are still very young therefore our lives have become busy and stressful so we know that it wont always be this way. We are just trying to get thru it while still keeping eachother happy. Maybe he does take second place at times but he knows its temporary and not intentional. I also think that "planning" a "date night" can be exciting! It's great to think about what you get to do later! I would agree that the pressure of shower & kids can be a disaster waiting to happen. After it happens once then it just seems to be a cycle b/c the man will be thinking about it the next time. Hang in there and try to break the quickie shower routine! So true. After reading all the great replies I called my mom and asked her to babysit tonight ...and it was more than exciting. We got movie & takeout then went out to the patio (first warm night here that the kids werent around). He lit a candle, started massaging my feet, and eventually we ended up doing it right there on the patio! It was super hot..kinda rough like usual but this time passionate at the same time..and knowing the neighbors could possibly hear us made it even more exciting! Having a night to ourselves just completely loosened me up and the sex was as good as it was before kids. I know I'm a work in progress as I know it may not make me want to have it more often but it motivated me to do whatever I can to get there!
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 So true. After reading all the great replies I called my mom and asked her to babysit tonight ...and it was more than exciting. We got movie & takeout then went out to the patio (first warm night here that the kids werent around). He lit a candle, started massaging my feet, and eventually we ended up doing it right there on the patio! It was super hot..kinda rough like usual but this time passionate at the same time..and knowing the neighbors could possibly hear us made it even more exciting! Having a night to ourselves just completely loosened me up and the sex was as good as it was before kids. I know I'm a work in progress as I know it may not make me want to have it more often but it motivated me to do whatever I can to get there! Where do you people live?
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