Author ComeUndone Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 I married my wife because I wasp prepared to spend my life with her. After 7 yrs I still only wanted to sleep with her. She didn't feel the same & started cheating a little over a yr into the marriage. I was married as well. I did not want to sleep with him anymore about a year in (because he was not nice) but I still did because I feel it's the wife's responsibility to keep him happy in the sex department as long as she is married to him. He ended up cheating on me.
Author ComeUndone Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 I don't know as you could ask the same question of women. Afterall, when you read about these wives who no longer want sex with their husbands I think a lot of the lost of desire has to do with her being bored with the same sex partner. Yeah.. see above ^^^ Both men and women get this way, which is why I wonder if we are meant to be monogamous.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 That's why we see so many threads from women clinging to men who aren't interested and trying to figure out how to change these men into wanting to be in a relationship. Well, what about all the guys (even here on LS) who complain that a particular woman doesn't want anything but a FWB relationship and others are complaining that they can't find a woman who wants a relationship. What is wrong with these guys that make them cling to women who don't want them? Why don't they move forward and "hunt"? And of course, that doesn't mean that men can't or don't want to be in relationships -- most of us are or have been or want to be in relationships. But it's not a default situation for us. And we are perfectly capable of having sex without love; in fact, again, that's a default for men. That doesn't mean we can't fall in love, or don't want to, but (I'll say this for the hundredth time to the women out there) just because a man is screwing you does NOT mean he loves you. Or that he wants a relationship with you. So apparently this statement applies for women as well.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I disagree with the ideology that we are wired one way or another and that one way is unnatural and the other is natural. People wouldn't have been having monogmous relationships for as long as they have if it was unnatural. Even if it doesn't always work out too. The truth is that men AND women are wired for both. That's why it is a choice for us. You make the choice to be one way or another. It isn't unnatural to be monogmous anymore then it's unnatural to want variety because we have chemicals and hormones that guide us both ways. That's true for men and women. And it's also the reason that it makes monogomy that much more special when someone *chooses* to do it rather then just doing it because their hormones told them to. With that said, I do think alot of men use their sexual hormones as justification on why it's okay to behave a certain was. I am always leary of men that use justifications such as "well I am a guy and I need variety because I want to spread my seed" arguments. These kind of arguments are not fostered in complete truth and are really made out of a personal selfish need to indulge in what *he* wants without considering others. The same can go for women on other aspects. In a nutshell, human beings are wired both ways because it comes down to free will and what we choose to do.
phineas Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I was married as well. I did not want to sleep with him anymore about a year in (because he was not nice) but I still did because I feel it's the wife's responsibility to keep him happy in the sex department as long as she is married to him. He ended up cheating on me. She claimed the same thing. Yet, after I caught her & she moved out, she screwed me silly for about 2 months while we were in MC. She was also sleeping with OM. After I told her to either move back & prove OM was history & she wouldn't I went & saw a lawyer. She filed for divorce first ect. But still wants to have sex with me. She doesn't want to be married to me. She just wants me to screw her. I guess her boyfriend isn't ringing her bell like I could. too bad.
Mr White Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 If you find that perfect woman, whatever perfect means to you, is she really going to be enough now and in the future? It's fun and new and exciting in the beginning, but we all know it doesn't stay in this honeymoon stage forever. So is one woman ever going to be enough, or do you guys actually desire that long term relationship even though the excitement has worn off, so to speak. It just seems to me that women evolve out of the honeymoon stage and into that comfortable and love-relationship better than men do. It seems that many men live off that newness and excitement and they often don't appreciate their SO once that is gone. It just seems accurate since men are such sexual beings and driven by their need for variety, but maybe I'm way off base. Rubbish One woman is more than enough, and more than anything, men want to settle with a decent woman that treats them right (including putting a reasonable effort in the physical part of the relationship). It is VERY easy to keep a man happy, and if he is - he just is, rather than overanalyze everything in the relationship, reason or no reason. (Ask yourself why ~70% of all divorces are initiated by women; also, many husbands report that they "never saw it coming")).
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I often wonder this myself. I personally feel that men tire of sex with the same woman quickly and desire new sexual experiences whereas women tire of the relationships quickly and desire to be swept off their feet or spoiled etc. I think both men and women get bored in relationships, this is undeniable. Many women think the honeymoon stage SHOULD last forever; we are raised to see ourselves as princesses and relationships as constantly dynamic and exciting. When that fades...we feel the fantasy was a lie and this can be a bit dissorientating. I have always been brought up by my parents to see myself as a princess, fairy tales, 'no man will ever be good enough for you' - it does become part of your mentality - you have to teach yourself to see past that once you realise the world is NOT the way your parents taught you to see it. I don't think anyone is ever enough for anyone, except perhaps a rare few that have a mind-blowing history or chemistry with each other. I honestly think childhood loves and romances and people who have gone through a lot can never be bored because they have gone through so much. I think the drama or the effort to get someone can make them never feel boring. But I do suspect most people do tire of one partner, especially when they are younger, especially if the passion/connection/chemistry is not strong to begin with. This question really is; are we made to be monogamous? And i'm not sure we are...but many people CHOOSE to be, this must say something. Realistically its hard to find a partner that you will ALWAYS be sexually attracted to, will always make you laugh, will always be on your wave length, will always treat you amazingly and help you out. Its not like friendships where you can have the friend that makes you laugh, the friend you have serious chats with etc. I guess its up to each person to decide if one person is enough for them. If not, there are many alternatives.
Mr White Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 It's pop evolutionary psychology. The fun thing is that you can come up with two contradictory evolutionary explanations for just about any behavior you want. It's post-hoc rationalization pretending to be scientific, but it "sounds right" so people are happy to believe the 'theories' that agree with what they already believe while discarding the ones that don't match up with their preconceived notions. *POP* being the key word here. This has NEVER been an official, serious scientific theory - there are PLENTY of examples in the animal world, in variety of species that In fact rely on monogamous relationships. Evolutionary psychology is a limited field precisely because by definition is should stick with phenomena that are universal (i.e. across societies, contexts, species), and there aren't very many such universal processes. The whole spreading the seed crap is just a thinly veiled attempt at man-bashing as usual (see - all men are pigs, they can't help it, we must protect ourselves against them ).
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Also, I don't think men and women are wired to behave any one way either. If that were true, it wouldn't explain why people who don't want children, have lots of sex. If sex were simply about biologically wanting to pro-create with as many people as possible, it wouldn't stand up with men or women who are promiscuous but don't want children. Unless perhaps you mean that men want children but do not want to raise them. Many people do not want children, or have children that they do not see, care about or raise, but still want sex and have sex...a lot. Its not really to do with children. Its to do with desire, lust, low self-control or simply just perceptions of sex. Some people don't see having a lot of sex as 'wrong' in any way, and others do.
Sivok Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 As long as you and your girlfriend dont fall into a boring rut--lifestyle and sexual, there's no reason to be bored with each other. Exactly this. Right after the honeymoon phase, I felt my ex got comfortable wayyy too quick. She stopped being creative in bed, stopped dressing nice for me (I mean altogether, not even occasionally), and just became plain boring. My issue is I feel the woman changes after that honeymoon stage, she isn't the person I fell for anymore and all that excitement disappears.
Lizzie60 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 If you find that perfect woman, whatever perfect means to you, is she really going to be enough now and in the future? It's fun and new and exciting in the beginning, but we all know it doesn't stay in this honeymoon stage forever. So is one woman ever going to be enough, or do you guys actually desire that long term relationship even though the excitement has worn off, so to speak. It just seems to me that women evolve out of the honeymoon stage and into that comfortable and love-relationship better than men do. It seems that many men live off that newness and excitement and they often don't appreciate their SO once that is gone. It just seems accurate since men are such sexual beings and driven by their need for variety, but maybe I'm way off base. I'm not a man but I will say what I think... One perfect woman (for a guy) is enough.. as long as... she is sexually compatible and have a fairly good sexual appetite. and also she is intellectually, emotionally compatible as well. The honeymoon stage does NOT last.. for sure.. but it is replaced by a strong emotional bond, (best friendship). methink MOST couples don't evoluate at the same rhythm (sp).. that's when problems arise.
sweetjasmine Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 *POP* being the key word here. This has NEVER been an official, serious scientific theory - there are PLENTY of examples in the animal world, in variety of species that In fact rely on monogamous relationships. Evolutionary psychology is a limited field precisely because by definition is should stick with phenomena that are universal (i.e. across societies, contexts, species), and there aren't very many such universal processes. The whole spreading the seed crap is just a thinly veiled attempt at man-bashing as usual (see - all men are pigs, they can't help it, we must protect ourselves against them ). Right, there's a difference between pop evo psych and actual evo psych, but I think even serious evo psych has its problems. A lot of it is guesswork, and you can still come up with contradicting unfalsifiable explanations. And people are drawn to whatever they already agree with. My other huge problem with evo psych and using those types of theories as explanations or justifications is that a huge part of human behavior is driven by culture, not biology, so looking for biological explanations doesn't always make sense. I could easily argue that "men spread their seed" is totally inaccurate because men bond with their children and are driven by the need to provide for them and for their mother. The survival, health, and growth of the child is in the man's best interests because the child is carrying his DNA. It doesn't matter if he spreads his seed to 500 women if those children all end up dying. And "men spread their seed" is used both to bash men and to justify promiscuous behavior.
espec10001 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 If a person chooses to behave like an animal focusing on their animal instincts only, then they will be treated like an animal.
torranceshipman Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 If you find that perfect woman, whatever perfect means to you, is she really going to be enough now and in the future? It's fun and new and exciting in the beginning, but we all know it doesn't stay in this honeymoon stage forever. So is one woman ever going to be enough, or do you guys actually desire that long term relationship even though the excitement has worn off, so to speak. It just seems to me that women evolve out of the honeymoon stage and into that comfortable and love-relationship better than men do. It seems that many men live off that newness and excitement and they often don't appreciate their SO once that is gone. It just seems accurate since men are such sexual beings and driven by their need for variety, but maybe I'm way off base. Is that your thong in the photo? Seriously, I don't think girls get to that stage easier. That is a myth. It is more your age - if you are younger you probably are nowhere near ready for commitment, or you've never met the right girl. When you get a bit older/meet the right girl then POW, you'll know
torranceshipman Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) Naw, it's a nice rationalization to try and embarrass men and make women feel good about themselves, but it's not true. Men are hunters and as soon as they settle down with one woman, they'll get restless and start looking for another. It may be nice to think that men who think this way are all mentally ill, but the reality is they're just following their nature. But the difference between humans and animals is that humans have a brain, and our big head is (or should be) in charge of our little one. What I think is important to remember is that relationships are not as natural to men as they are to women. That's why we see so many threads from women clinging to men who aren't interested and trying to figure out how to change these men into wanting to be in a relationship. Men get into serious relationships when their interest in a particular woman over-rides their natural impulse to hunt, and the security she offers is preferable to the variety available to him. Men who are anxious and eager to get into a relationship with just about any woman are usually men who don't have access to much variety. And men who are screwing you are not thinking "I am in a relationship with the woman of my dreams". Most of the time, he's thinking "She'll do until someone better comes around). And of course, that doesn't mean that men can't or don't want to be in relationships -- most of us are or have been or want to be in relationships. But it's not a default situation for us. And we are perfectly capable of having sex without love; in fact, again, that's a default for men. That doesn't mean we can't fall in love, or don't want to, but (I'll say this for the hundredth time to the women out there) just because a man is screwing you does NOT mean he loves you. Or that he wants a relationship with you. Hmmm so you've not read the many threads on LS written by men who are heartbroken after losing their girl? I've had 2 FWBs and both times they had to end because the MAN was clingy. Plus a couple of casual dating scenarios where again it had to end because the man was rushing me. It happens both ways round. I do appreciate what you are saying though - I agree that men can have sex in a way more detached way than a female. Edited April 28, 2010 by torranceshipman
Woggle Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 What some women don't understand is that while men when we are not in love like to play around and screw around with many women but when we find a woman we feel is worth commiting to many of us are fiercely loyal and devoted. Ex players actually have some of the best marriages that I know of. If a woman makes commitment worth it to a man then he will go that route in most cases. I don't ever condone cheating and a man should leave if he is not being treated right but if a woman treats a man like a burnt piece of bacon she should not be surprised when that does not inspire loyalty.
Peaceful Guy Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 If you find that perfect woman, whatever perfect means to you, is she really going to be enough now and in the future? well, it would be good enough that it's worth the chance.. maybe i understated that! it would be so totally ****ing awesome that's its worth all the heartbreak in the world for just the possibility of it happening! there.. hows that? :laugh: It just seems accurate since men are such sexual beings and driven by their need for variety, but maybe I'm way off base. can't speak for all guys.. seems like you'd be missing out on a LOT if your priorities rested in sexual variety.. i mean.. just to name a few things.. laughter, deep talks, shared hardships, foot and back rubs.. the list just goes on and on and on.. :).. plus, yes, i am a guy.. i have a penis.. but even if you look at me as just my physical form its a very small part of the whole. :lmao::lmao:
sagetalk Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 My one woman is enough for me but this is way off base. Women actually seem to be more addicted to the newness feeling and tend to bolt once that is gone. Just read these boards for proof of that. Why do men always get the bad rap when it comes to this? You aren't kidding. If you aren't having sex with them pronto to hook them, it seems you're in huge trouble with alot of these girls. Without the brain scrambling early sex, many girls get bored quick. They'll call you nice and say the feelings just aren't there. If you ever wanted to know why guys try to jump you girls as fast as possible, this is the reason. They don't ever want to be called nice (not attractive) and I can't blame them.
alphamale Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 If you find that perfect woman, whatever perfect means to you, is she really going to be enough now and in the future? no, i could never stay with one woman for the rest of my life no matter how "perfect" she was....variety is the spice of life and there are a lot of chicks around.
homersheineken Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I sometimes wonder if men's supposedly innate desire for variety is a bit oversold. Biology may be part of it. But men who try to sleep with lots of different women are often driven as much by ego gratification as sexual lust. They enjoy seducing women, "getting over" their defenses and putting another notch on their belts. This is what affirms them as "real men." Whether the sex was good or bad is almost beside the point. Frankly, I suspect a guy who is having sex with five different women on five different night isn't having much GOOD sex with anybody. I disagree with most of this post. I don't date/sex many different women to satisfy my ego. Nor is to put a notch on my belt, esp since I stopped counting a while back since it seemed so narcissist and empty. I don't really care what others think of me as a 'real man' since I define that for myself and it's not based on notches and conquers.. I just want to keep on searching for a perfect/great match. And the sex is quite good actually. I will say my best sex was with a LTR, but it was also not very good to start off (esp compared many other early sex partners).
EasyHeart Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Some of the women seem to be saying that men are saying that cheating is okay because they need to 'spread their seed'. If that's the case, they're just douchebags. Cheating is never justifiable. You aren't kidding. If you aren't having sex with them pronto to hook them, it seems you're in huge trouble with alot of these girls. Without the brain scrambling early sex, many girls get bored quick. They'll call you nice and say the feelings just aren't there. If you ever wanted to know why guys try to jump you girls as fast as possible, this is the reason. They don't ever want to be called nice (not attractive) and I can't blame them. This is a great insight, and I think you're absolutely right. And it's kind of a positive feedback loop: men looking for ST hookups want sex right away; when women have sex with a man, their brain releases hormones that make her feel bonded to him; player bails out after a few weeks and woman is left wondering WTF happened. And if a guy doesn't bed a woman down right away, she protects herself from feeling rejected by rationalizing that he was never interested in her. But those hormones only last for a few months. So, OTH, if a guy IS looking for a LT relationship and has sex right away, things are fine for a few months, but then the woman who worshipped him a month ago is suddenly criticizing everything he does, bails on him, and HE's wondering WTF happened. The first 3-6 months of dating don't matter. It's all hormones and stupidity. It's only after you get that honeymoon period that you start to get to know each other and develop a relationship (or decide not to). I think our current 'hook up' culture encourages that and, if you're looking for a serious LT relationship, it makes it very difficult -- especially for women. I think it's a myth that "a woman should **** like a man". If you are a woman looking for a LT relationship, you set the pace for the relationship. Keep your legs together if you want the guy to stick around. If he doesn't, then he wasn't ever going to. Also, men in their 20s generally have no interest in marriage or relationships because they are either partying or trying to build a career. Just because a man is not interested in settling down, it does not mean he is a 'player'. He may just be smart enough to know that he's not ready settle down. I was a workaholic during my 20s and felt no shame in telling women that I wanted to date them but had no interest in a relationship. Some listened, some didn't, but my conscience was always clear.
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