matt. Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) Well, I'm not sure if "pain" is the right word, but it's not exactly the easiest thing I've ever gone through. It sure is lonely, though. My wife and I have been married for 4½ years and have twin 3-year-old sons. In February, my wife e-mailed me at work telling me she no longer wanted to be together. I was shocked by this, despite the fact that she had seemed especially depressed the previous week (she's been on anti-depression meds since our boys were born). She gave me various reasons why she wanted to separate, but ultimately I believe it was that she felt our marriage had stagnated, that we didn't talk much anymore, or spend time doing things together. I felt like we had grown apart as many married people do, and I told her I wanted to work on things, but she said that she wasn't interested. I asked if she was seeing anyone else; she said no and said she would tell me if she were. Realistically, I'd have to think her depression played a role as well. Almost 2 years ago, my wife was having an online affair with someone else. I nearly separated from her when I found out, but decided for the sake of our boys to try and make things work. She didn't want to separate at that time. Shortly after we separated, I lost my job. Because neither of us were working and we only had one vehicle between us, we decided to stay living under the same roof until I found work. I came across an e-mail of hers (unintentionally) where she was calling a guy she had been chatting with "honey," and he also called her "honey." She started hanging out with him transparently, and I have to wonder if he wasn't in the picture before we separated. Not long ago, my wife assaulted me, which was a first. I've never been violent with her. I called the police and moved out the same night. To be honest, I'm kind of glad that I have something so serious to use down the road if I have to. At the moment, she is cordial with me and has been helpful and agreeable with the boys staying with me every weekend. We have no separation agreement set up at the moment, although I've been told I ought to get one drawn up and signed as soon as possible. If she ever starts causing problems with regards to my kids, I'm going to be extremely unhappy. I recently wrote her and told her that I wouldn't be introducing new significant others to the kids in the future unless and until I had a stable, solid relationship, which is realistically probably several years away. When I went to pick up the boys last, she had hickeys on her neck (she claimed they were bruises, but I'm no fool), and that made me kind of angry. Angry because I know this guy she's with was likely a factor in our separation, angry because she jumped into another relationship immediately after ending ours (at best), and angry because I know she's getting hot and heavy with this guy in the same house my kids are in. I'm not cool with her bringing guys over to the house (even though it's probably just the one guy) to get it on with my kids around. I've read that it's not healthy for kids of divorce to see a revolving door of lovers with their parents, as it can be confusing and cause anxiety. But I have absolutely no faith in her to put our children before herself in this regard. On some level, I'm also angry because some part of me still cares for her to some extent. I was willing to work on our relationship. But I'll never go back to her at this point. It's a turbulent chapter in my life, obviously, and although I'm 30 and separated with kids, I know I'll find someone eventually who I'll be able to love and who will love me. I don't foresee me ever being interested in reconciling with my wife (I'm angry at her and don't feel I can forgive her for what she did to me and our kids), and I really don't foresee her ever being interested in reconciling with me. If she begged me to come back tomorrow, I'd say, "Hell no." Part of me is relieved that I can move on, but having kids in the mix sure does make things complicated and stressful. Anyways, I'm mainly writing because I have no one in my life I can share my feelings with about this. Edited April 28, 2010 by matt.
You Go Girl Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 You can't make any communicative progress with a liar, and she's lying repeatedly about other men. So there is zero point in talking about your relationship with her. All you can do is to make sure that your kids are getting the best deal possible out of this mess. I'd watch her. She sounds emotionally unbalanced. Not only because of the depression meds, but I fear she may be putting this new relationship above her kids. Women who end up divorcing don't do this unless they are riding high on infidelity. I'd make it clear to her that if you think those kids aren't getting as much attention from her as the new man is, or are being neglected in some way, that you would prefer to have custody. She's going to be very pissed off at that as a mother, thinking she is entitled to be the primary parent. But she revokes that right when she's neglectful. She sounds like an extreme case of postpardum depression. But, I've never heard of a case that lasted three years, so I wonder what else is going through her head, and what part you played in the destruction of this marriage. That's a question you have to ask yourself and answer honestly, to help yourself grow and have more successful relationships in the future. As for the lonliness, it's very tough...try to keep yourself socially engaged, stay away from the bottle when you're alone in the evenings, and take up a hobby or revive one you let go by the wayside. All you can do is make sure that your actions are productive, and not sliding into bad habits.
tnttim Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 ^^^^GOOD ADVICE ^^^^^^^^^^^^ Welcome to the rollercoaster, it's full of ups and downs, lefts and rights. It is hard at the begining but you slowly start to reach a plan, and accept your new life. The biggest most important thing right now is YOU. It's okay to be a little selfish when your emotional well being is at stake. Your going to think about all the wrong things you did in the relationship, the should of's. Instead of dwelling on it, think of the things you can change. Your wife is not going to change because she jumped right into another relationship, don't be like her, do some growing. The wife problem: First you have to maintain a civil relationship with her, because of the kids. So, try to be adult about things, don't try to be her father as well. If you can't stop her, or if she can get away with it behind your back, then don't fret over it. Like, you can't stop what she does with other man, or if he's sleeping at your house, so then don't make a big deal about it. Actually the more you vilify him the more your wife will want him, don't give her the pleasure. You have a lot of friends here, that's what this site is all about, support
heartbrokensj Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 It's a turbulent chapter in my life, obviously, and although I'm 30 and separated with kids, I know I'll find someone eventually who I'll be able to love and who will love me. I don't foresee me ever being interested in reconciling with my wife (I'm angry at her and don't feel I can forgive her for what she did to me and our kids), and I really don't foresee her ever being interested in reconciling with me. If she begged me to come back tomorrow, I'd say, "Hell no." Part of me is relieved that I can move on, but having kids in the mix sure does make things complicated and stressful. Anyways, I'm mainly writing because I have no one in my life I can share my feelings with about this. Matt, i am sorry to hear about all you are going through. I, too, have been separated from my husband for about 2.5 months now and we share a 15 month old baby. I just joined this sight night trying to make sense and get support for what I am going through in my turbulent marriage of 4.5 years.
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