Undating the Separated Man.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

So a few days ago I posted about this guy I was seeing who was simply separated from his wife and had no idea "why he hadn't filed," divorce papers yet.

 

You advised me to drop him. Which Saturday I did and I told him that it bothered me that he didn't know why he hadn't filed for divorce although they'd been separated for six months. I know I deserve better in that I need to be with a guy that CAN be with me. It was such a hard thing to do, to follow that voice that said, get out now before you get hurt. When I told him I was ending things I explained that it was because I was developing feelings for him and wanted to stop it now before I got hurt. How his definition of "taking it slow" and mine were different. Meaning, he said he needed to take it slow because he couldn't invest himself emotionally right away and needed to get to know me first. I agreed that taking it slow as I understood it was a gradual evolving thing. I liked the idea of getting to know each other too.

 

But then, it became apparent that he wasn't even ready to be dating. When I called him out on this he told me that he just didn't know how he would feel a month, two months, or three months from now. All clues that I needed to drop him.

 

The irritating part? I met him right before a family death and other drama with family that hit me like a ton of bricks. He barely knew me but was there being supportive as hard as I tried to push him away, I have this "don't let em see you sweat," thing about me. He listened to me. We had good times together. There was an easiness about us that I really liked and the bummer is that I haven't felt that way about someone in a long time. I mean, its been a year or two.

 

But the sad truth is that I know I was not getting ANY emotional feedback at all, ironically the last time I saw him we had a great talk and I felt that emotional connection starting on both ends. Then what do you know, two days later, I decided I needed to sever things and he tells me he was going to have this same conversation with me. I think he got scared.

 

Common sense tells me I'm doing the right thing. But my heart hurts. It's the opening up to him and now....there's nothing. I miss him, but refuse to contact him because I deserve someone who can give me their all. I'm just confused and sad.

[123BeachFan]

Talking from experience, you do NOT want to be the first relationship a newly separated guy's had post-marriage. You will get all sorts of wishy washy behavior from him, all sorts of mixed messages, and you'll get to experience his heavy emotional baggage.

 

So be happy you go out when you did.

 

This guy is really not ready for a relationship at this point, is he!

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I know I don't. I think I did get a lot of mixed messages. I just think he was perpetually confused; first he's telling me how "right" it feels with me and how he thinks of me all the time and stuff, and being supportive to me, and then.....nothing. No he's not ready it just sucks that I had to be the one who called it off. He said he was going to but "didn't know when." Kinda sounds like how he was about his marriage too. Sigh.

[123BeachFan]

Classic mixed messages: Come closer. Now go away.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

YEAH!!!! Exactly. I felt exactly that way.

[EasyHeart]

He's obviously emotionally unavailable, and that's to be expected in his situation. But that means he could never give you the kind of relationship that you want. It hurts a lot now, because you like him and miss him, but you are taking a little heart break now in order to avoid the much, much worse heart break that would have come in the future. It would have been even harder to break up with him in a few months, after he was more a part of your life.

 

Maintain no contact and mourn the loss of the potential relationship. But remind yourself that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY this situation could have evolved into a healthy relationship. He would have kept pushing and pulling, and then one day just announced that he was leaving. There is no possible scenario where you would have lived happily ever after.

 

FWIW, I'm going through a similar situation. It doesn't involve a separated/divorced issue, but it does involve a woman who I know would not have been healthy for me. She is a sweet and wonderful person and I care about her immensely, but there is not way she could have given me what I want (a mature, healthy relationship). It hurts like hell right now, but it would have hurt A LOT more in the future if I had continued to pursue a relationship with her. People have to be available for a relationship before they have the potential to be a good partner for us.

[Ruby Slippers]

You did good.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Everheart, thanks for your input. You're right, I am mourning the loss of a potential relationship. Feels like a failure but maybe it's a success because there was a time when I would have accepted the feelings of crappiness and dealt with the push pull aspect of the relationship. I don't think he was purposely doing it, I just think he was confused and I could tell. I am missing him like crazy but at the same time I don't think I could have continued much longer waiting/wondering/hoping that what I was seeing wasn't true and that I would be the "one" to change things for him. Typical feelings. I just hate the fact he came into my life and then poof he's gone. I hate the fact I had to figure it out for him but you're right, a little heartbreak now is way better than a lot later. But true to form, guys like that come back around. I can't count how many men have let me go to come back around and say that they miss me and that they were wrong in letting me go. But it seems that I'm breaking the cycle and getting out faster so that's good.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Update: I am having a horrible time accepting that he wasn't ready for anything although there were signs there....the part that is confusing is that his words and his actions were two different things. He didn't promise me anything, as a matter of fact he said that he wanted to ease into things, however, it became apparent that he couldn't do that. Although I instigated the "break up," I hate the feeling I have everyday...knowing it was bad timing but missing him and wishing it had been different. How should I act if I see him....because we hang out at the same place from time to time and with the way my luck works we will run into each other. In the meanwhile I'm NC with him.

[EasyHeart]

If you see him out in public, maintain No Contact. You don't have to be rude -- you can nod at him across the room or something -- but don't talk to him. If he comes up to talk to you, politely but firmly tell him that you don't want to talk to him and walk away.

 

I think the reason you were getting mixed messages is that he was confused about what he wanted. Part of him wanted to be with you, part of him wanted to be with his wife, and part of him wanted to be alone. Keep reminding yourself that this guy wasn't even divorced. This is not a close call. Divorce is traumatic for anyone involved, and it will be years before he heals sufficiently to have any kind of healthy relationship. At best, you would have been a rebound. There is no possible way this could have ended well for you.

[CarrieT]

Update: I am having a horrible time accepting that he wasn't ready for anything although there were signs there....the part that is confusing is that his words and his actions were two different things. He didn't promise me anything, as a matter of fact he said that he wanted to ease into things, however, it became apparent that he couldn't do that. Although I instigated the "break up," I hate the feeling I have everyday...knowing it was bad timing but missing him and wishing it had been different. How should I act if I see him....because we hang out at the same place from time to time and with the way my luck works we will run into each other. In the meanwhile I'm NC with him.

 

I want you to read those words that I underlined. Because the important thing here is what YOU perceived (i.e., the signs) are what all women tend to perceive when guy express interest in them. And that women in general emotionalize and PROJECT our desire and and need upon the man who is showing interest.

 

In fact, he was probably enticed by the possibility of sex and for men it is PHYSICAL in the beginning, while we see it as EMOTIONAL.

 

So re-read those words again because I can almost guarantee 100% that the signs you were perceiving were your own emotions being projected on the situation.

 

When/If you see him, you ignore him completely. You are professional and polite IF you have to talk to him, but nothing more. And, if remotely possible, avoid eye contact.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I know, I think you're both right...I can't believe I was that girl. Never thought I would put myself in a situation like that....but maybe it's good I got out when I did because it would have become more unbalanced than it already was. Easyheart, what do you mean when you said, "this is not a close call?" I don't understand what you meant by that. I know it couldn't have ended well but like CarrieT said, I was probably projecting my own emotions without really wanting to realize what HE was projecting towards me. I hate to sound like a 12 year old, but this is not fair!!! However, I must say that I did something I have not really done before which is to think about what is healthy for me and what I want and what I was getting out of the situation, I felt an imbalance and so I had to end it. I just hate the fact that he said all he did and I started to open up and believe what he said.

[Philetus]

I know I don't. I think I did get a lot of mixed messages. I just think he was perpetually confused; first he's telling me how "right" it feels with me and how he thinks of me all the time and stuff, and being supportive to me, and then.....nothing. No he's not ready it just sucks that I had to be the one who called it off. He said he was going to but "didn't know when." Kinda sounds like how he was about his marriage too. Sigh.

 

I chimed in on your other thread about this, too.

 

I'm separated. I started dating a woman, K, TWO DAYS after my separation began and we're still 'together'.

 

I put together in quotes because while we're still seeing each other it's due to the fact she's okay with me being with other women. She's a polyamourist (sp?).

 

There is no way that I could have gone from marriage to another full relationship but I understand your guy may be different.

 

During the early days of our time together, there is transference of feelings for sure. For me, it was so nice to be held and appreciated and found attractive that I discoverd I really needed that from K - craved it. But, being 'needy' like that made me feel vulnerable and scared me that I was falling too quickly. So, I would pull back.

 

After a month with K I told her I wanted to be with her exclusively and figure out what was between us. At that time she said, "WHOA".

 

If she hadn't said that, it wouldn't have been long before my desire to be with other people surfaced.

 

So yes, there is tons of confusion and he likely has different needs that are contradictory and some days some voices are stronger than others.

 

Don't underestimate his guilt over his children. In my case, my son had a very hard time imagining his parents with other people and it did concern me.

 

I know it's hard but I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds like you really like him but you have to be honest with what you can accept. I'd make that clear to him and give him a clear choice.

 

That clear choice may help him make a decision.

 

When K told me she was a polyamourist, it helped me make a decision about our relationship and what I wanted/needed.

 

FWIW, I think you're doing the absolute correct thing. I'm sure your guy means well but there's a lot of **** we have to sort out and it's very, very hard to do. It doesn't excuse it, I'm trying to explain it.

 

Good luck!

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you...I guess different people need different things. I am way too sensitive to stick around in a situation that may or may not pan out. He was always thanking me for being patient and such and so understanding and then I wouldn't see him for days at a time. It was too hard for me because I started developing feelings for him and he would push away. So, as much as it hurts to say it, I had to walk away.

[smartblonde]

I feel your pain. I know what you're going through. I was in a "relationship" with a newly separated man. I too felt the push and pull, the days upon days of no contact, and then to get 3 or 4 phone calls the next. He wanted to be close, he needed his space...all the while, I was becoming more attached. I knew a short time into the relationship that it would never work but I didn't have the courage to pull away because in some weird, warped way, I was getting my emotional needs met and I couldn't bear the thought of hurting a guy whose wife had just dumped him.

 

In the end, the phone calls and texts just stopped on its own. Yes, it hurt. It still does to this day. But I know that he wasn't in a good place in his life because of all the baggage he was dealing with and it never would have become a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

 

You deserve someone who is completely and utterly available to be with you, physically and emotionally. And I'm 100% sure this guy will come along and sweep you off your feet!

 

You did the right thing....take strength in that.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thank you, that made me feel a lot better. I honestly didn't want to let him go but I had to...the idea of being alone didn't seem that great to me and as such I was holding on to hope that wasn't even really there. This was the first time I have been in this situation and as such you can bet that I won't be putting myself in it again!

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Update: Well come to find out that his ex on his FB page just posted about how he is all she needs or wants and that they should take a risk and make it work. Who knows if he will but wow. Maybe it was to be expected.

[EasyHeart]

OUCH!

 

But it shows that you did the right thing. Imagine how you'd feel if you were dating him and she posted something like that!

[Loquacious Miss L.]

No kidding. I KNOW now I did the right thing. If he was hemming and hawing with me you bet your bottom dollar he's doing that with her and giving her false hope...who knows the real story.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Just occurred to me: He could never have been mine anyhow, especially since he belongs to someone else. Legally anyway. Don't want to involve myself in the drama. Especially after her FB post yesterday, what if I was still dating him? God that would suck to find that out especially if I had more feelings invested.