18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 thursday i lost my sister to a car accident she was 23. I moved away from her 3 months ago to be with my 31 yr old BF. She didnt want me to leave, but wanted me to be happy. I feel so guilty I didnt stay. Her funeral is tommorrow but my BF cant go with me(his job/money) its in another state and although he does comfort me, I have been hearing regardless he should be there for me. What do you all think if he doesnt come with me? Is this another redflag? Please help Im so lost and confused. will I resnt him in the future for not bein there?
Stung Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Yes, he should be there for you. Yes, it is a red flag. I am very sorry for your loss. Perhaps you should take some time to visit your family, mourn your sister with others who loved her.
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Yes, he should be there for you. Yes, it is a red flag. I am very sorry for your loss. Perhaps you should take some time to visit your family, mourn your sister with others who loved her. thank you Stung I will be taking a week, but he used the excuse he could take off if he absoulutely had to but no need for both to miss work and that my family wouldnt want added stress of him being there (cause my mom disapproves of him) We have money to stay at a hotel. I want him there but Im so confused
Els Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 How bad would it be if he actually went - would he be in serious danger of losing his job? If he would, you have to understand that it's a tough decision for him to make. Is he supporting you through this emotionally and through other ways? Also, stop feeling guilty about the has-beens. What if you had decided to stay with your sister, and your bf had died in an accident instead? There are no guarantees in life. She wanted you to be happy, you should honor her wish and stop feeling guilty for something you could have done nothing about.
collegemommy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I'm so sorry for your loss! There is no reason for you to feel quilty for living your life. Not leaving would not have changed the outcome... As for your BF, personally, I don't think it's a redflag that he can't make it. Just because he isn't there for you physically, doesn't mean he isn't there for you emotionally. In times like these, emotional support is extremely important.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If he works a govt job like i do. no matter if you want to be off. By taking off without any type of documentation could cause serious problems and putyour job in jeopardy. So take it into consideration before you start resenting him. Ask him if he has any available time to take off, an emergency leave if you will.
anne1707 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I am so sorry for your loss. But you should not feel guilty for moving away - she wanted you to be happy Your boyfriend however should be there for you. Him not going will actually give your family even more reason not to approve (and on this count they would be justified)
Lizzie60 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Aaaahhh so sorry for your loss... and don't feel guilty, you did what you had to do... You shouldn't resent your bf.. he might NOT be able to go... which is fine, I would never 'force' someone who could put their job in jeopardy for my own need. I'm sure he will support you in other ways.
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Aaaahhh so sorry for your loss... and don't feel guilty, you did what you had to do... You shouldn't resent your bf.. he might NOT be able to go... which is fine, I would never 'force' someone who could put their job in jeopardy for my own need. I'm sure he will support you in other ways. thank you, His job allowed him to take off without being fired. but I think he didnt want to be around my family cause they disapprove, I only been with him 8 months and moved in with him after 3, my family hates the age gap He could come but he isnt
Jilly Bean Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If your family disapproves of him, then he's doing the right thing in not showing up. Nothing worse than your family having to deal with the shocking loss, and then your BF they don't like on top of it. No red flags. He's doing the right thing for everyone concerned. So sorry for your loss.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 thursday i lost my sister to a car accident she was 23. I moved away from her 3 months ago to be with my 31 yr old BF. She didnt want me to leave, but wanted me to be happy. I feel so guilty I didnt stay. Her funeral is tommorrow but my BF cant go with me(his job/money) its in another state and although he does comfort me, I have been hearing regardless he should be there for me. What do you all think if he doesnt come with me? Is this another redflag? Please help Im so lost and confused. will I resnt him in the future for not bein there? I am so sorry for your loss. Please, don't feel guilty about moving away. It's unnecessary as it's just going to make you feel worse. Your sister loved you, enough to know to let go and let you live your life, wanted you to be happy. As for your bf, I have replied on your other threads so I know what you're up against with him. Seems he can't handle it and who knows if it's the drugs, or if he just isn't capable of being supportive in ways you need him most. The excuse of money and job is bullcrap, MOST jobs allow their employees to go to a funeral, so he's using that as an excuse. Only you know if you'll resent him, I can't answer that. You can try to be understanding, focus on the fact that he has helped you through this sad time in other ways.. Time will tell, but if it's that important to you for him to be at the funeral, then he needs to think about it some more..Talk to him maybe he'll change his mind.
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 If your family disapproves of him, then he's doing the right thing in not showing up. Nothing worse than your family having to deal with the shocking loss, and then your BF they don't like on top of it. No red flags. He's doing the right thing for everyone concerned. So sorry for your loss. thank you, I just wanted him there for them to see how kind and supportive he really is but if he dont go then that just shows them more of a reason to think he is bad news I dont know...He should suck it up and support me regardless.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 but I think he didnt want to be around my family cause they disapprove, I only been with him 8 months and moved in with him after 3, my family hates the age gap OK, just read abit more, this could be a good thing (your family seeing how supportive he can be, how he is with you etc) or it could blow up and cause problems... But if he is unwilling to go, feels uncomfortable, then sadly, that's his choice.
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 OK, just read abit more, this could be a good thing (your family seeing how supportive he can be, how he is with you etc) or it could blow up and cause problems... But if he is unwilling to go, feels uncomfortable, then sadly, that's his choice. my mom is really the only one who dont care for him my dad loves him, but you are right its his choice..but id like to say down the road he was there for me through her funeral and now i wont be able to say that
Tony T Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 thursday i lost my sister to a car accident she was 23. I moved away from her 3 months ago to be with my 31 yr old BF. She didnt want me to leave, but wanted me to be happy. I feel so guilty I didnt stay. Her funeral is tommorrow but my BF cant go with me(his job/money) its in another state and although he does comfort me, I have been hearing regardless he should be there for me. What do you all think if he doesnt come with me? Is this another redflag? Please help Im so lost and confused. will I resnt him in the future for not bein there? Don't go condemning and judging your boyfriend at this point. There are many reasons he may not want to go. You've already listed two. At work, maybe they've told him he can't miss work or he'll get fired. Regarding money, maybe he's so behind on some bills he faces repossession of his care or having the utilities turned off. A lot of this stuff he won't tell you for fear of what you may think...or for fear you may leave him. He may be making major sacrifices financially just to hold on to you. He may have fears about traveling. He may feel very uncomfortable being around grieving people he doesn't know. He may have past experiences with death of loved ones and is afraid these will resurface and cause him great pain. If you want so real good advice to take with you in life, don't jump to conclusions based on surface observations. People are a WHOLE LOT MORE COMPLICATED than they appear.
scatterd Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I am so sorry for your loss I have lost many love ones and its easy to blame yourself for many things but you should not.We are not warned and told so we just are living our life's as we always have.she would not want you to feel that way she loved you and is watching over you now.Lean on your family and give your guy a chance you will need him after so he will be there when he can I'm sure.Right now try to concentrate on your loss and your family again I'm so sorry big hugs.
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Don't go condemning and judging your boyfriend at this point. There are many reasons he may not want to go. You've already listed two. At work, maybe they've told him he can't miss work or he'll get fired. Regarding money, maybe he's so behind on some bills he faces repossession of his care or having the utilities turned off. A lot of this stuff he won't tell you for fear of what you may think...or for fear you may leave him. He may be making major sacrifices financially just to hold on to you. He may have fears about traveling. He may feel very uncomfortable being around grieving people he doesn't know. He may have past experiences with death of loved ones and is afraid these will resurface and cause him great pain. If you want so real good advice to take with you in life, don't jump to conclusions based on surface observations. People are a WHOLE LOT MORE COMPLICATED than they appear. He is allowed off work without getting fired. We have savings in the bank to afford the trip. We live with his parents so he has no bills. He has NEVER been to a funeral ever. i just think if he loved me he would be there. I fear my depression will tear us apart down the road COULD THAT HAPPEN?
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 i just think if he loved me he would be there. This isn't a good way of thinking or putting that expectation on him. He does love you, he just feels uncomfortable around your family and he knows they don't like him (excluding your mom). What if he goes and there's a huge blow up? what if your dad says something to him and they fight/argue? Your parents lost their girl, their loving daughter so their emotions are going to be all over the place.. sometimes funerals can bring out the worst and the last thing anyone wants to deal with is an emotional fallout .. I fear my depression will tear us apart down the road COULD THAT HAPPEN? If he can't support you through it, encourage you, get you help, be there for when it's rough, then yes it may not work out but not because of your depression. Remember, this guy has his own issues and alot of baggage. He's a drug addict, trying to quit drugs..trying to start his life over and he IS going to have alot of struggles with it. He may not be able to be there for you all of the time..
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 This isn't a good way of thinking or putting that expectation on him. He does love you, he just feels uncomfortable around your family and he knows they don't like him (excluding your mom). What if he goes and there's a huge blow up? what if your dad says something to him and they fight/argue? Your parents lost their girl, their loving daughter so their emotions are going to be all over the place.. sometimes funerals can bring out the worst and the last thing anyone wants to deal with is an emotional fallout .. If he can't support you through it, encourage you, get you help, be there for when it's rough, then yes it may not work out but not because of your depression. Remember, this guy has his own issues and alot of baggage. He's a drug addict, trying to quit drugs..trying to start his life over and he IS going to have alot of struggles with it. He may not be able to be there for you all of the time.. well my dad likes him its just my mom..Besides that everyone is in shock and to see himm there with me would make them glad that I have such love in my life. I know he is dealing with drug addiction but this to me is a cowrds way out just like how he left his ex. He cant even pick me up at the airport my girlfriend is going to when I return. Maybe I should just stay there and not come back, My mom needs me and she wont want me to leave Im all she has left for a child
quankanne Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 am so very sorry to hear of your loss *hugs* She sounds like a fantastic sister. as for your boyfriend: Whether your family dislikes him isn't the point – you need him, and as a show of respect and loyalty to you, he ought to be there. And he has no real reason not to, when you explain he can get time off work with no problem, that y'all can afford a hotel room, etc – he's gonna have to show them he's a man worthy of you at some point, and ducking out when you're facing this kind of thing with your family just doesn't make him seem like he supports you. just my two cents
curiousnycgirl Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I am so very sorry for your loss - I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you and your family are going through. My heart goes out to you all. I have not read your earlier posts, so I do not feel adequately equipped to respond to your personal situation - however on a superficial/high level I can say that your b/f should be where you need him to be during your time of need. He should not be there so others can see him supporting you - he should be there because you need him to be. What others think really is irrelevant.
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 am so very sorry to hear of your loss *hugs* She sounds like a fantastic sister. as for your boyfriend: Whether your family dislikes him isn't the point – you need him, and as a show of respect and loyalty to you, he ought to be there. And he has no real reason not to, when you explain he can get time off work with no problem, that y'all can afford a hotel room, etc – he's gonna have to show them he's a man worthy of you at some point, and ducking out when you're facing this kind of thing with your family just doesn't make him seem like he supports you. just my two cents I agree with you...he should be there
quankanne Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 explain to him that it's important to you, that you would sincerely appreciate his support by showing up. Hell – he can stay at the hotel if he feels too uncomfortable around your family, but at least he's there. IMO, unless there's some serious reason my partner can't be there (medical, work-related), he KNOWS he'd better be there, just like he expects ME to show support that way!
Author 18inlove Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 explain to him that it's important to you, that you would sincerely appreciate his support by showing up. Hell – he can stay at the hotel if he feels too uncomfortable around your family, but at least he's there. IMO, unless there's some serious reason my partner can't be there (medical, work-related), he KNOWS he'd better be there, just like he expects ME to show support that way! You are right quankanne...His job said if he absoulutely needed to go he could, Its only for 3 nights thats like 150.00 for hotel plus his dad can get him a free air ticket with his skymiles I did notice he signed a sympathy card on the funerals website(guilty) Didnt say sorry he couldnt be there or nothing or he will take care of me I just think once the reality of her death sinks in when i return I may get pissed at him for not bein there, but he has held me and comforted me but doesnt know what to say:(
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