My story...long...Trying to figure this out...I was so naive

[BB07]

I know thats the way it looks. I also am aware that I only know what he tells me. Maybe I am stupid...I dont know. He thinks he sought out the affair as a way of ending his marriage. It was not about sex...

From what he tells me things have not been good from the start...He has been very lonely for the duration of the marriage.

 

From the start he talked about a lack on intimacy...she never looks at him...told him she didnt like kissing him...smacked him away if he tried to touch her...he tried for many years to get her to talk about it, to speak to a therapist. She refused and said it was his problem. She drinks heavily and he suspects she is an alcoholic (i have seen the empty wine bottles after a weekend...) he doesnt drink due to his medical condition. They are both miserable. They have no friends and do not socialize.

 

As for our relationship we talk several times per day. Keep in contact through text. We were seeing each other twice a week but the the month will be once due to his hectic work schedule until mid May. We usually are able to get away for one or two nights on a weekend every 6 weeks.

 

He is always there to support me when I need him. The first several months I suffered from extreme anxiety...he was always understanding, always patient. I do not know what is going on in his marriage for sure but I do know that he loves me. He is struggling. He thought he would be married forever. Never though he would do this...I know him...am I naive to think he is different?

 

Yet I know I only know the things he tells me...and I need action not words...

 

I believe you when you say he loves you.......BUT and that's a big but, he has a whole load of crap to wade through and frankly it doesn't sound like he is ready for it. He wants out, but does he have what it takes to get out....only time will tell. You are doing good moving forward and trying to prepare for your own life, but it's going to be hard and I don't think you should plan on counting on him for much of anything. I know you love him......but don't be so understanding that you let him sit on the fence for too long. With that said, you can't make him do anything but you can and should remove yourself from the situation if he does not get it in gear by your deadline. Don't falter on that part of it, or it will eat you up inside and you'll lose self respect and little pieces of yourself. I wish you the best.

[jwi71]

I posted several months ago about my situation with my MM. I am a MW and this has been very challenginging to say the least. I dont know why I thought this would go smoothly and quickly. I guess I was delusional...

 

A fog. Don't feel bad. It happens to virtually everyone in an A...it does clear and based on some subsequent posts to the one I quoted...yours has begun to clear.

 

I feel paralysed.

That's because everything is about him and HE's in control. You are paralyzed for fear of upsetting HIS life and HIS so-called plans - you can't speak or act...must be terribly stressful.

 

The process has been more difficult for MM. He was struggling for the first few months because of many reasons but mostly because of his 2 children. It has been difficult for him to come to tearms with the fact that his children do not and will not have the childhood that he had.

Oh, the noble martyr. His life was such a chore of duty and responsibility and grey skies...until you, the light of his life, showed him how to live again.

Now he struggles, live his only life for "the children" (how noble...blech) or for himself..with you, the love of his life. Whatever will he do?

 

Answer...nothing. Stay married and keep you on the side.

So he has struggled...and within the past several months came to the realization that he marriage is over. She is miserable...he is miserable...they are fighting constantly and it is taking a toll on the kids. It has become a toxic situation.

Wow. Another no good very bad always arguing can't stand the sight of one another toxic marriage. And his solution is to stay in it. For the kids.

Because daily exposure to that stress and tension is SO healthy.

 

Wait. How do you know this? Please don't say "he said so". Maybe if you could SEE them interact, you might get a clue as to what its REALLY like...I wish upon a star...

 

His problem is that as of now he is not taking the action he needs to.

Wait...he hasn't filed for D yet? Quick, whats the name of his lawyer? He at least SPOKE to one right?

 

He has spoken with his parents about the state of his marriage and he has their support

You know this because when you met his parents they told you this. Or maybe when you met his siblings? When you have joint dinner dates with his mutual friends?

 

I trust you see where I'm going with this...

 

. It is a matter of actually saying it to her.

You do see! Unfortunately, you only see HALF. You don't want him to tell her...you want him to staple D papers to her forehead (not literally of course). Because simply "saying" is UNVERIFIABLE. That means NOTHING.

They have had numerous conversations/arguments about the fact that the marriage is "failing". He is unable to say the words...He says to her "Do you want to be married to me?" or "we are at an impass. What do you think is the solution?"

Back to my litany of...don't rely on his word. Your only verification is HIM and his CLEAR incentive to string you along. Match his ACTIONS to his WORDS. Do they?

 

Not even close. You have lotsa words and ZERO action.

 

She suspects something is up...Has jokingly mentioned a girlfriend...He had been withdrawn for many years but in the past year since meeting me he has completly abandoned the marriage.

Odd. Because in the waning days of my M, when it was clearly unrepairable, I didn't give a d@mn what or who she did. I didn't suspect because I didn't care. So, her being suspicions is a hint...its a hint that what he says about his M ain't so...

 

A few weeks ago we had to stop by his house. He needed his medication...he forgot to bring it to lunch (dont want to give too much info but he's dependant on injections...) She was at work...we ran in...gave himself the injection...we were about to leave and he says "Shes home!" She came home for lunch...which she does often (was not aware of this until after the fact)...and this was lunch time...

The hockey game is getting interesting so I'll skip the hyperbole and get straight to the point. When you first saw him when he realized she was home...was his face scared or annoyed? Was that terror in his eyes? Or was he rolling them?

 

In that moment...you have your truth. Tell me, what was on his face...panic or "don't give a d@mn"?

 

This is your first and real glimpse at where HE is emotionally...don't lie, don't sugarcoat it...see it for what it is.

 

I strongly suspect his face was a mask of panic.

 

Which is all the proof you need.

So at his work they have been interviewing candidates for an open position...he has been entertaining them taking the out for lunches...

 

So he says "you are a candidate"...UGH! I honestly always thought if this ever happened I would say "you tell her or I will" I couldnt do it. It could have all ended there but I couldnt do it to him...or me...or her...IDK...So I went along with it...I felt sick...horrible...because in that moment she was a real person...not some abstact horrible woman who yells at him...

 

Went right up to her...shook her hand...talked BS...said she had a lovely home...talked about my kids...the open position....

 

Apparantly it worked...she believed it...or doesnt want to believe it...IDK...

An odd reaction unless, as already mentioned, she TRUSTS and BELIEVES in him. Of course, she may be where I was...not giving a crap. But, its not about her...its about HIS reaction as I already mentioned...

Okay so now we have dodged a HUGE bullet.

Huh? I thought this M was dead and buried in all but stamped signed and notarized papers? What bullet is there to dodge? Oh yeah, the M ISN'T dead...

 

Now he knows he needs to take action

Bullcrap. He would have known this all along had his story a shred of truth to it. This is YOUR wake up call, not his. HE isn't taking action for a reason...he doesn't WANT to.

 

. He is going to get caught especially with this reckless behavior. My therapist says that for him the fear is actually the wish. He doesnt have the balls to tell her so he wants it to be done for him...for her to do it or for it to be discovered. So for now the plan is to finish out this last month of work and then end the marriage...That is the plan...I dont know how he will get the balls to do it...

If he wanted a D he would get one. It IS that simple.

 

Look, I don't see ANYTHING that says his home life is anywhere NEAR what he claims. Shockingly, it RARELY is.

 

Your ONLY REAL clue to his emotional state is when she came home.

You know what you saw in his face...that's your answer.

 

Walk. And if not, then accept your role as OW.

[MizzBlue72]

You know - he is probably not ready to deal with the end of his M. Period. He proved that when he told you to lie to the W. Honestly - I think it would have completely freaked me out to be in her house. I just couldn't have done it - but that is another subject.

 

To D or not to D. I know your therapist probably told you this already. You have to be ready to do this - for YOU and you alone. Don't depend on him being their to hold your hand when you do it. And never ever leave because of another person, but I am really sure you know that too.

 

If you talk to a lawyer (and don't worry, the first consult is usually always free) you can have the spouse pay your lawyer fees and get spousal support. Just check this out in your state.

 

I wish you well. I know how it hurts. Keep the counselling. And yeah - your older posts - when you gave a date. I know - we have all been naive. But I can give you a little hope I hope The MM I have been seeing said it would take at least a year to untangle all the financial ties, etc. He was here, in my state, in less than 4 months. Yes - it is hard. REALLY hard. He is still straightening up loose ends, and I have a child, he does not.

 

We have all been naive at one point or another in our lives, and in having A's. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep posting. Welcome to LS

[4321sn]

So is the only answer that he is stringing me along and has no intention of ending his marriage? Is it that easy to end it? Just because he hasn't acted does it mean he never will?

I mean my H has known since July and I have yet to take real action. I have seen a lawyer, am looking for a job and have been in therapy. I am just doing the prep work and am not much further along than he is.

 

When she walked in, should he have told her who I was? I can't imagine anyone doing that. I wanted out as quickly as possible. Imagine the fallout? She would have gone ballistic...his kids would find out and be devastated ( they are teenagers) Is the only way for him to do this is to confess? I don't want her to find out just as much as he doesn't.

 

He purchased the book "when good people have affairs" and has found it to be very helpful.

 

Idk... Are they all the same? Am I stupid to think that he will follow through? As I said, this summer will be the test. Kids are away, he's not working, there is no reason why he cannot tell her the marriage is over. No more excuses. I don't think I'm a total fool. If there has been no concrete action...telling her...looking for a place to live...seeing a lawyer, then I have my answer.

Do I not give him the chance to do what he says he will?

[MorningCoffee]

Do I not give him the chance to do what he says he will?

 

4321sn, I think only you can determine how long you are willing to give him. In my sitch, my MW had started a process with H in MC last summer, to see if they would stay or split, and she told H, MC, and me that her deadline was December -- if it wasn't better, she was out of there -- and I waited. Well, I didn't hold her to it and neither did she (and of course as she had not left, neither did H), and so A continued (with two LC interruptions, one of a month, and one of two weeks) until March, and D-Day.

 

I finally saw that she was not going to be leaving any time soon. It hurt a lot, and will take a while to resolve for me. Perhaps the hurt was greater because between December and March I had that much more deeply invested myself in the R with her. OTOH, I have some pretty special memories from those months as well, so would I have been better off NOT to have given her a pass that first round? IDK. All I can say is that I think part of loving someone is often giving a lot of leeway. It is just that, at some point, leeway gives way to handing over too much of your own power and to the erosion of one's self-respect. When I finally got to that point, I could see it and do something, albeit very difficult and painful, about it -- insist on NC unless it's to tell me she's divorced, and meanwhile get on with my life assuming she will not be a part of it.

 

It is hard to be objective and realistic while hope is alive, and so is knowing when the point of No More is reached, but I urge you to pay close attention to your own inner compass and hope you will know when to say when, so to speak.

[4321sn]

4321sn, I think only you can determine how long you are willing to give him. In my sitch, my MW had started a process with H in MC last summer, to see if they would stay or split, and she told H, MC, and me that her deadline was December -- if it wasn't better, she was out of there -- and I waited. Well, I didn't hold her to it and neither did she (and of course as she had not left, neither did H), and so A continued (with two LC interruptions, one of a month, and one of two weeks) until March, and D-Day.

 

I finally saw that she was not going to be leaving any time soon. It hurt a lot, and will take a while to resolve for me. Perhaps the hurt was greater because between December and March I had that much more deeply invested myself in the R with her. OTOH, I have some pretty special memories from those months as well, so would I have been better off NOT to have given her a pass that first round? IDK. All I can say is that I think part of loving someone is often giving a lot of leeway. It is just that, at some point, leeway gives way to handing over too much of your own power and to the erosion of one's self-respect. When I finally got to that point, I could see it and do something, albeit very difficult and painful, about it -- insist on NC unless it's to tell me she's divorced, and meanwhile get on with my life assuming she will not be a part of it.

 

It is hard to be objective and realistic while hope is alive, and so is knowing when the point of No More is reached, but I urge you to pay close attention to your own inner compass and hope you will know when to say when, so to speak.

 

THANK YOU....

 

I spoke to him this morning about how I was feeling, and about the fact that he hasnt made any plans or taken action...he disagrees.

He has been seeing a therapist, has spoken with his parents about his plans to D, has looked at apartments with me. Right now he is working 16 hour days and will be until the end of May...then he will have all the time in the world.

 

I dont know. Doesnt it take time to unravel a 17 year marriage? Dont you have to have conversations prior to just hitting someone over the head with divorce papers?

 

When she came home should he have said right then "This is my girlfriend, Im having an affair and I want a divorce"?

 

They had plans to go away on a cruise with her and her family for 2 weeks this summer. He has told her he is not going. This summer will reveal if he is serious about leaving or not. The plan is for him to tell her that he marriage is over, move out, work with lawyer or a mediator.

 

I am moving forward as well. My H is still living here...He will be moving out June 1st.

 

After that we will be able to date...try to have some normalcy and proceed from there. After sometime has passed I will meet his parents...after more time has passed we will meet each others children. And see where it goes from there...

[Snowflower]

THANK YOU....

 

 

 

I dont know. Doesnt it take time to unravel a 17 year marriage? Dont you have to have conversations prior to just hitting someone over the head with divorce papers?

 

When she came home should he have said right then "This is my girlfriend, Im having an affair and I want a divorce"?

 

They had plans to go away on a cruise with her and her family for 2 weeks this summer. He has told her he is not going. This summer will reveal if he is serious about leaving or not. The plan is for him to tell her that he marriage is over, move out, work with lawyer or a mediator.

 

 

Yes, it does take time to unravel a 17 year marriage. I'm sure it took some time to extricate yourself from your husband.

 

See, this is what I don't understand about your MM. He says he tells his wife that he is not happy. That he isn't sure about the marriage, yada yada. But yet, he is going to have 'to hit her over the head with divorce papers?'

 

As you mentioned above, he has told her that 'he isn't going' on the cruise this summer. Okay, well something doesn't add up here...don't you think his wife would be QUESTIONING WHY he doesn't think the marriage is going to work? Why he isn't going on the cruise?

 

Most married people don't just start saying these types of things without their spouse asking why. It has nothing to do with him having an affair. It has to do with what is he actually saying to her.

 

It doesn't make sense.

 

IF (and that is a big IF) he is going to 'hit her over the head with divorce papers' without any prior conversation, well that doesn't make sense either. Obviously, if he has been telling her these things (not happy in the marriage, not going on vaca with her), then it should come as no big surprise to her when she is presented with divorce papers.

 

If a spouse says to you, 'hey, I'm not going on that family cruise this summer.' In most cases, the other spouse would be asking why the h*ll not, what is going on?

 

Basically, if what the MM is saying to his wife is true, then she shouldn't be blindsided by the divorce papers.

[scatterd]

I have been married almost 17 years I thought my husband was having an affair I questioned investigated.He swears he never would do that to me but I questioned it.He has been treating me even better then before we have alot of history and love for each other.I don't think he is telling you the whole truth.Men that cheat don't tell you all the good they tell you what you want to hear.He would have so much to lose for no guarantee it would work with other woman its not that easy.What kind of parents would go along with that I am close to my in laws.I agree something is wrong with this, wifes are not that dumb about whats going on with their relationship after 17 years mostly.Tell her then see what happens that is just plain wrong to do any person that way.Its cruel give this alot of thought because if he could do that to her he will you to.The newness wears off in any realationship. I hate to see two woman hurt is not what it seems.Good luck

[4321sn]

Yes, it does take time to unravel a 17 year marriage. I'm sure it took some time to extricate yourself from your husband.

 

See, this is what I don't understand about your MM. He says he tells his wife that he is not happy. That he isn't sure about the marriage, yada yada. But yet, he is going to have 'to hit her over the head with divorce papers?'

 

As you mentioned above, he has told her that 'he isn't going' on the cruise this summer. Okay, well something doesn't add up here...don't you think his wife would be QUESTIONING WHY he doesn't think the marriage is going to work? Why he isn't going on the cruise?

 

Most married people don't just start saying these types of things without their spouse asking why. It has nothing to do with him having an affair. It has to do with what is he actually saying to her.

 

It doesn't make sense.

 

IF (and that is a big IF) he is going to 'hit her over the head with divorce papers' without any prior conversation, well that doesn't make sense either. Obviously, if he has been telling her these things (not happy in the marriage, not going on vaca with her), then it should come as no big surprise to her when she is presented with divorce papers.

 

If a spouse says to you, 'hey, I'm not going on that family cruise this summer.' In most cases, the other spouse would be asking why the h*ll not, what is going on?

 

Basically, if what the MM is saying to his wife is true, then she shouldn't be blindsided by the divorce papers.

 

 

When I said "hit her over the head with divorce paprers" I guess I was refering to the posters who asked why he hasnt left yet. He just began conversations with her this January, expressing his unhappiness with the state of their marriage. She is well aware of the fact that the marriage is failing...Does she expect him to ask for a divorce??? I doubt it. Her parents have been miserable for 50 years. Always yelling, they detest one another. This is the model of marriage she grew up with. This is what she expects.

 

MM on the other hand grew up with parents who loved and adored one another. They still do...His Dad still tell MM, "I love your mother so much". So they each have two different expectations of what a functioning marriage is.

 

His reason for not going on the cruise are because he doesnt want to spend two weeks with her parents who are rude to him or completly ignore him. He feels alone and invisible when hes with her family. They are critical of what he does for a living...everything...she doesnt stick up for him which is also another major source of tention in the marriage.

 

I am glad he's in IC....

[fooled once]

I know thats the way it looks. I also am aware that I only know what he tells me. Maybe I am stupid...I dont know. He thinks he sought out the affair as a way of ending his marriage. It was not about sex...

From what he tells me things have not been good from the start...He has been very lonely for the duration of the marriage.

 

From the start he talked about a lack on intimacy...she never looks at him...told him she didnt like kissing him...smacked him away if he tried to touch her...he tried for many years to get her to talk about it, to speak to a therapist. She refused and said it was his problem. She drinks heavily and he suspects she is an alcoholic (i have seen the empty wine bottles after a weekend...) he doesnt drink due to his medical condition. They are both miserable. They have no friends and do not socialize.

 

As for our relationship we talk several times per day. Keep in contact through text. We were seeing each other twice a week but the the month will be once due to his hectic work schedule until mid May. We usually are able to get away for one or two nights on a weekend every 6 weeks.

 

He is always there to support me when I need him. The first several months I suffered from extreme anxiety...he was always understanding, always patient. I do not know what is going on in his marriage for sure but I do know that he loves me. He is struggling. He thought he would be married forever. Never though he would do this...I know him...am I naive to think he is different?

 

Yet I know I only know the things he tells me...and I need action not words...

 

I was married 9 years. I decided in March I wanted a divorce, told my ex. He was understandably upset and asked me to not do it. I went to see a lawyer that week. Our son was 6.

 

My ex moved out in June. See, I am a person of ACTION. Once I make my mind up, I do what needs to be done, I don't provide lip service.

 

You say (per what he supposedly told you) he told her in January he wasn't happy - and here it is almost May and what has he done? If he had this unhappy marriage you claim he said he had, then he would have done MORE by now. But you aren't expecting more. He knows you are going to sit and wait for him, you are going to sit and believe EVERYTHING he tells you. He doesn't even have to do anything because you aren't going to push it.

 

So is the only answer that he is stringing me along and has no intention of ending his marriage? Is it that easy to end it? Just because he hasn't acted does it mean he never will?

I mean my H has known since July and I have yet to take real action. I have seen a lawyer, am looking for a job and have been in therapy. I am just doing the prep work and am not much further along than he is.

 

When she walked in, should he have told her who I was? I can't imagine anyone doing that. I wanted out as quickly as possible. Imagine the fallout? She would have gone ballistic...his kids would find out and be devastated ( they are teenagers) Is the only way for him to do this is to confess? I don't want her to find out just as much as he doesn't.

 

He purchased the book "when good people have affairs" and has found it to be very helpful.

 

Idk... Are they all the same? Am I stupid to think that he will follow through? As I said, this summer will be the test. Kids are away, he's not working, there is no reason why he cannot tell her the marriage is over. No more excuses. I don't think I'm a total fool. If there has been no concrete action...telling her...looking for a place to live...seeing a lawyer, then I have my answer.

Do I not give him the chance to do what he says he will?

 

I believe you haven't done anything in your marriage because you are waiting on him (the MM) to do something first. I think you know deep in your heart that the MM isn't going to really do anything so you are using your H. You say you can't find a job... for a year?

 

Affairs are basically the same.

 

Some examples are:

 

He is my best friend

He is unhappy in his marriage.

His wife doesn't want intimacy

He feels guilty for upsetting the kids.

He is doing the best he can right now.

He wants his wife to get fed up and file for divorce.

We talk ALL the time.

He is constantly texting me/calling me

We talk more than he and his wife

He LOOOVVVEESSS me

 

I don't think you will find many OW here who haven't heard all these lines. They guy I was involved with even HAD an apartment and lived in it for a year. He loved me just as much as many of these MM claim to love their OW.

 

how long have you and he been involved?

 

THANK YOU....

 

I spoke to him this morning about how I was feeling, and about the fact that he hasnt made any plans or taken action...he disagrees.

He has been seeing a therapist, has spoken with his parents about his plans to D, has looked at apartments with me. Right now he is working 16 hour days and will be until the end of May...then he will have all the time in the world.

 

I dont know. Doesnt it take time to unravel a 17 year marriage? Dont you have to have conversations prior to just hitting someone over the head with divorce papers?

 

When she came home should he have said right then "This is my girlfriend, Im having an affair and I want a divorce"?

 

They had plans to go away on a cruise with her and her family for 2 weeks this summer. He has told her he is not going. This summer will reveal if he is serious about leaving or not. The plan is for him to tell her that he marriage is over, move out, work with lawyer or a mediator.

 

I am moving forward as well. My H is still living here...He will be moving out June 1st.

 

After that we will be able to date...try to have some normalcy and proceed from there. After sometime has passed I will meet his parents...after more time has passed we will meet each others children. And see where it goes from there...

 

Of course he disagrees -- he has to keep you on the hook longer. He can't have you seeing through his lies. He can't have you questioning things.

 

He had the perfect opportunity the night he got home after she came into the house and found you there. He chose to NOT be honest, he chose to continue to lie. Doesn't it bother you how easily he lies about you, how easily he dismisses you to his wife?

 

So the new date is July. Wonder what will come up between now and then? IF he is done with work by the end of May, what is wrong with June 1? What is wrong with June 2? Where do his kids go for the summer? Hmm...maybe they won't go anywhere this summer? Will that be the excuse?

 

Yes, he has 17+ years with this woman ... and you are expecting him to throw away that past, that history, etc for you .... someone he has been sneaking around with for how long?

 

I won't give you false hope and tell you that sure he will divorce her. Nothing has given me any indication that he will. I know you think your affair is different. Pretty much all that changes is the names of the people. Everything else is just standard cheating, standard lines, standard stalling.

 

I know people hate it when I say it, but if he really wanted to be with you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you. If he really loved you, he would be shouting to the world he loves you. he wouldn't be disrespecting you by hiding you.

 

And do you really think his wife AND his kids are going to be okay with him moving from their home to being with you? Do you really think his kids aren't going to know that dad was cheating on mom with you? Do you expect his kids to accept you? If you think things are hard NOW, just wait -- wait until everyone knows dad was cheating on mom. Step situations are hard enough without that kind of drama .... this is like an explosion that will totally rock your world. He will continue to be torn between his family and his mistress. And he may resent you because you gave him deadlines and 'forced' him to leave his family.

[4321sn]

"You say (per what he supposedly told you) he told her in January he wasn't happy - and here it is almost May and what has he done? If he had this unhappy marriage you claim he said he had, then he would have done MORE by now."

 

Honestly it is mainly work related. Trying to get tenure at the University. In addition to his "regular" job he was writing a 100 page Dossier...working on outside projects, serving on commitiees. Very stressful. Moving out and divorcing when he has all this going on is way too stressful. My dad is in the same line of work so I know.

It just made sense for him to lay the ground work and then take action once the summer begins. I am ok with this. If it continues as we get into the summer and he has not taken concrete steps (moving out, filing for divorce/separation) then I will know that he will never leave.

 

"how long have you and he been involved?"

In a few weeks it will be a year

 

"He had the perfect opportunity the night he got home after she came into the house and found you there. He chose to NOT be honest, he chose to continue to lie. Doesn't it bother you how easily he lies about you, how easily he dismisses you to his wife?"

 

And do you really think his wife AND his kids are going to be okay with him moving from their home to being with you? Do you really think his kids aren't going to know that dad was cheating on mom with you? Do you expect his kids to accept you? If you think things are hard NOW, just wait -- wait until everyone knows dad was cheating on mom. Step situations are hard enough without that kind of drama .... this is like an explosion that will totally rock your world. He will continue to be torn between his family and his mistress. And he may resent you because you gave him deadlines and 'forced' him to

 

It didnt bother me for many reasons. I asked my therapist if I should have expected him to tell her. She said "Only if you two had a death wish". Who knows how she would have reacted. I dont want her to find out. We are hoping to do it in a way that they never find out. Even though she has met me, we will say that we met through work once we are out in the open. I am not planning on meeting his kids anytime soon and he will not meet mine.

 

He wont be moving in to be with me. I am going to remain in my house, while he is going to lease an apartment for a year. Sure we wanted to be together asap but it cant happen that way for many reasons. Not good for the kids and not good for us. We need to live separate...just date...See what our relationship looks like without the sneaking...

 

I havent been looking for a job for a year. Just since January...to find something in my field has been difficult. So Im changing gears and looking into other options. I have an interview Tuesday

 

So that's the story...I am working on myself. Preparing for my new life as a single mother. If he follows through that will just be the icing on the cake. If not I will be just fine )) It took me some time to believe that but now I do.

[bentnotbroken]

Let's hope and pray that she and the kids find out so everyone will be on a level playing field.

[4321sn]

Let's hope and pray that she and the kids find out so everyone will be on a level playing field.

 

?????????

Why should kids have to deal with adult problems? I can see the point of view that she should find out but what do the kids have to do with it? Makes no sense...

[bentnotbroken]

?????????

Why should kids have to deal with adult problems? I can see the point of view that she should find out but what do the kids have to do with it? Makes no sense...

?????????Makes as much sense as having an A in the first place. The kids will eventually know. Then their respect will have to be earned since neither of you showed them any respect in the first place. You have your opinion and I have mine.

[4321sn]

Yes they may find out...and we will have to deal with the fallout if indeed they do (I still believe that this can be done without exposing the affair if we take it slowly and carefully) but to hope and pray they find out? IDK...we agree to disagree but praying the discover it doesnt make much sense in my opinion.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes they may find out...and we will have to deal with the fallout if indeed they do (I still believe that this can be done without exposing the affair if we take it slowly and carefully) but to hope and pray they find out? IDK...we agree to disagree but praying the discover it doesnt make much sense in my opinion.

 

 

Because only you and he have all the facts. The only reason you don't want things to come out is to portray the two of you in the best light possible. Continued lying is only good for those doing the lying. And I am aware that not lying probably doesn't make sense to you.