4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I posted several months ago about my situation with my MM. I am a MW and this has been very challenginging to say the least. I dont know why I thought this would go smoothly and quickly. I guess I was delusional... I feel paralysed. Brief background...met MM last May...my H discovered the affair from phone records after 6 weeks. (I guess I wanted to get caught because I wasn't careful at all...) Looking back I think knew I wanted to leave H prior to having the affair. The process has been more difficult for MM. He was struggling for the first few months because of many reasons but mostly because of his 2 children. It has been difficult for him to come to tearms with the fact that his children do not and will not have the childhood that he had. His parents have been married for 50 years, and are still in love. He married young with the hope of re-creating that for himself...but soon after realized that it was not possible. So he has struggled...and within the past several months came to the realization that he marriage is over. She is miserable...he is miserable...they are fighting constantly and it is taking a toll on the kids. It has become a toxic situation. His problem is that as of now he is not taking the action he needs to. He is in IC and I am as well. He has spoken with his parents about the state of his marriage and he has their support. It is a matter of actually saying it to her. They have had numerous conversations/arguments about the fact that the marriage is "failing". He is unable to say the words...He says to her "Do you want to be married to me?" or "we are at an impass. What do you think is the solution?" She suspects something is up...Has jokingly mentioned a girlfriend...He had been withdrawn for many years but in the past year since meeting me he has completly abandoned the marriage. A few weeks ago we had to stop by his house. He needed his medication...he forgot to bring it to lunch (dont want to give too much info but he's dependant on injections...) She was at work...we ran in...gave himself the injection...we were about to leave and he says "Shes home!" She came home for lunch...which she does often (was not aware of this until after the fact)...and this was lunch time... So at his work they have been interviewing candidates for an open position...he has been entertaining them taking the out for lunches... So he says "you are a candidate"...UGH! I honestly always thought if this ever happened I would say "you tell her or I will" I couldnt do it. It could have all ended there but I couldnt do it to him...or me...or her...IDK...So I went along with it...I felt sick...horrible...because in that moment she was a real person...not some abstact horrible woman who yells at him... Went right up to her...shook her hand...talked BS...said she had a lovely home...talked about my kids...the open position.... Apparantly it worked...she believed it...or doesnt want to believe it...IDK... Okay so now we have dodged a HUGE bullet. Now he knows he needs to take action. He is going to get caught especially with this reckless behavior. My therapist says that for him the fear is actually the wish. He doesnt have the balls to tell her so he wants it to be done for him...for her to do it or for it to be discovered. So for now the plan is to finish out this last month of work and then end the marriage...That is the plan...I dont know how he will get the balls to do it... As for me...I have been a SAHM for 10 years... H is still living in the house with me. I am trying to find a job but it has been difficult. I need to be able to support myself. Lawyers are expensive and we do not have much disposable income... MM is also not in great shape financially. I am afraid that this will make our leaving MUCH more difficult...Somedays I think we will get through this and other days it seems simply impossible... Anyway, thats the story...Thanks for reading. Trying to take baby steps but it is so overwhelming...
Hazyhead Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I posted several months ago about my situation with my MM. I am a MW and this has been very challenginging to say the least. I dont know why I thought this would go smoothly and quickly. I guess I was delusional... I feel paralysed. Brief background...met MM last May...my H discovered the affair from phone records after 6 weeks. (I guess I wanted to get caught because I wasn't careful at all...) Looking back I think knew I wanted to leave H prior to having the affair. The process has been more difficult for MM. He was struggling for the first few months because of many reasons but mostly because of his 2 children. It has been difficult for him to come to tearms with the fact that his children do not and will not have the childhood that he had. His parents have been married for 50 years, and are still in love. He married young with the hope of re-creating that for himself...but soon after realized that it was not possible. So he has struggled...and within the past several months came to the realization that he marriage is over. She is miserable...he is miserable...they are fighting constantly and it is taking a toll on the kids. It has become a toxic situation. His problem is that as of now he is not taking the action he needs to. He is in IC and I am as well. He has spoken with his parents about the state of his marriage and he has their support. It is a matter of actually saying it to her. They have had numerous conversations/arguments about the fact that the marriage is "failing". He is unable to say the words...He says to her "Do you want to be married to me?" or "we are at an impass. What do you think is the solution?" She suspects something is up...Has jokingly mentioned a girlfriend...He had been withdrawn for many years but in the past year since meeting me he has completly abandoned the marriage. A few weeks ago we had to stop by his house. He needed his medication...he forgot to bring it to lunch (dont want to give too much info but he's dependant on injections...) She was at work...we ran in...gave himself the injection...we were about to leave and he says "Shes home!" She came home for lunch...which she does often (was not aware of this until after the fact)...and this was lunch time... So at his work they have been interviewing candidates for an open position...he has been entertaining them taking the out for lunches... So he says "you are a candidate"...UGH! I honestly always thought if this ever happened I would say "you tell her or I will" I couldnt do it. It could have all ended there but I couldnt do it to him...or me...or her...IDK...So I went along with it...I felt sick...horrible...because in that moment she was a real person...not some abstact horrible woman who yells at him... Went right up to her...shook her hand...talked BS...said she had a lovely home...talked about my kids...the open position.... Apparantly it worked...she believed it...or doesnt want to believe it...IDK... Okay so now we have dodged a HUGE bullet. Now he knows he needs to take action. He is going to get caught especially with this reckless behavior. My therapist says that for him the fear is actually the wish. He doesnt have the balls to tell her so he wants it to be done for him...for her to do it or for it to be discovered. So for now the plan is to finish out this last month of work and then end the marriage...That is the plan...I dont know how he will get the balls to do it... As for me...I have been a SAHM for 10 years... H is still living in the house with me. I am trying to find a job but it has been difficult. I need to be able to support myself. Lawyers are expensive and we do not have much disposable income... MM is also not in great shape financially. I am afraid that this will make our leaving MUCH more difficult...Somedays I think we will get through this and other days it seems simply impossible... Anyway, thats the story...Thanks for reading. Trying to take baby steps but it is so overwhelming... I don't want to dismiss whatever feelings you and your AP have for each other, but this doesn't sound promising for you TBH. Regardless of the state of his marriage, it doesn't look like he's making any plans to leave, really. I was given some great advice when joining LS, from a number of people, and it was that you should take more notice of his actions than his words, and it is so true. He introduced you in a work context! How disrespectful to both of you! I think he's going to look out for himself here and you need to take care. Plus, the financial thing doesn't bode well.
torranceshipman Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Bottom line is...what do you want to do with all of this information? He has a home life that seems to be a lot nicer than he was making it out to be, and the guy you love passing you off as a candidate for a job? - that hrts. Why lay yourself open for a bunch of ongoing hurtful situations? This is your life and the decision to D is HUGE - try to look away from the A for now, and really concentrate on your M and family, and whether you really want the D, then commit all your mental resources to followng all of that through. This MM will really cripple you through that process - taking on all his baggage, sitting there talking to a therapist about HIS emotions - trying to work him out, wondering if he will ever leave...you don't need that on top of a D that will irreperably change your entire life as it is, and create a lot of fall out. I am sorry to say it, but you can't depend on the MM and I have a feeling he isn't going to leave his family, no matter what he is telling you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If you wanted to leave your husband then just leave, why disgrace yourself and him with an affair? You only make problems worse by adding to it!!! Now he has to look at you and realze what type of woman you are, pining her nights away for a married scumbag who only gives her tablescraps!!! Seriously you need to wake up.
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 and within the past several months came to the realization that he marriage is over. She is miserable...he is miserable...they are fighting constantly and it is taking a toll on the kids. It has become a toxic situation. ...He is in IC and I am as well. He has spoken with his parents about the state of his marriage and he has their support. It is a matter of actually saying it to her. They have had numerous conversations/arguments about the fact that the marriage is "failing". He is unable to say the words...He says to her "Do you want to be married to me?" or "we are at an impass. What do you think is the solution?" I have to tell you, I am unable to comprehend how he can have "numerous conversations/arguments" with his wife, ask her what she wants to do, to make decisions, putting it on HER...while she knows nothing of the FACTS of her own life, marriage, family, future. He has support, He is in IC, the children are in a "toxic " environment, he is having an affair...but wanting her to solve the problem...yet telling her nothing????? So for now the plan is to finish out this last month of work and then end the marriage...That is the plan...I dont know how he will get the balls to do it... As for me...I have been a SAHM for 10 years... H is still living in the house with me. MM is also not in great shape financially. I am afraid that this will make our leaving MUCH more difficult... If he hasnt even told his wife yet that he wants a divorce and why, hasnt seen a lawyer, or arranged living accommodations for himself...how on earth is all of this supposed to happen, all at once at the end of the month? The moment he tells her he wants a divorce, his wife is going to confirm any suspicions she may already have. Count on that. Does your H know you are still seeing MM? When does your D happen? It seems like all of you are waiting for a woman who has no facts..to direct you.
jthorne Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Him putting you in that situation where you were forced to cover for him... and endure all that. How disrespectful to both of you. That's just nauseating. He's got his comfortable home, a wife that is at least tolerable (and probably not as bad as he makes her out to be), and you to meet his needs. Why leave, especially when it will cost him more money than he has to do so?
Snowflower Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Looking back I think knew I wanted to leave H prior to having the affair. The process has been more difficult for MM. He was struggling for the first few months because of many reasons but mostly because of his 2 children. It has been difficult for him to come to tearms with the fact that his children do not and will not have the childhood that he had. His parents have been married for 50 years, and are still in love. He married young with the hope of re-creating that for himself...but soon after realized that it was not possible. So he has struggled...and within the past several months came to the realization that he marriage is over. She is miserable...he is miserable...they are fighting constantly and it is taking a toll on the kids. It has become a toxic situation. His problem is that as of now he is not taking the action he needs to. He is in IC and I am as well. He has spoken with his parents about the state of his marriage and he has their support. It is a matter of actually saying it to her. They have had numerous conversations/arguments about the fact that the marriage is "failing". He is unable to say the words...He says to her "Do you want to be married to me?" or "we are at an impass. What do you think is the solution?" She suspects something is up...Has jokingly mentioned a girlfriend...He had been withdrawn for many years but in the past year since meeting me he has completly abandoned the marriage. -snip- Okay so now we have dodged a HUGE bullet. Now he knows he needs to take action. He is going to get caught especially with this reckless behavior. My therapist says that for him the fear is actually the wish. He doesnt have the balls to tell her so he wants it to be done for him...for her to do it or for it to be discovered. So for now the plan is to finish out this last month of work and then end the marriage...That is the plan...I dont know how he will get the balls to do it... Welcome back to LS! I won't bash you...there will be plenty who will be eager to jump in and do that. I do want to point out how much of your post is all about HIM, I quoted the relevant parts here. This never bodes well...everything is all about HIM. His marriage, his wife, his finances, etc. What about you? What do you want? You mentioned that you are going to divorce your husband. Okay, well what do you want to do with YOUR life after your divorce? Please don't say that you are going to wait for your MM to get divorced so that you can be together. You deserve a lot more than that. As you have already been finding out, it is not that simple.
scatterd Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 (edited) Of course they are arguing he is cheating on her.How are you both going to trust each other?she can feel it let her know so she can find a loyal man and be happy.They deserve to be with their same type.then she will be able to make her choice and get rid of him sooner and that would make you happy.Really I would stay with the one I married you both are in a fog.When the real world sets in you might not find you belong together.Good luck though this is going to be harder then you know.I hurt for anyone that gets cheated on it hurts so deep You think you are in love they was too he married her they had children and she will be hurt and you cant see you could be next.Think real hard things are not always a perfect as it seems. Edited April 27, 2010 by scatterd
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I dont disagree with any of the responses...What can I do at this point? I have seen a lawyer and am going through with the divorce regardless of what MM does. My H has been emotionally unavailable for years...Shouldnt have married him perhaps...but am thankful for my children. If it doesnt work out with MM I will be devastated but will recover and will not regret ending my marriage. I have told him that action needs to happen or I will leave. For now I just have to give him the opportunity to do what he says he will. He has not missed any "deadlines" as of yet. If he has not told her, filed and moved out by July I will have to go NC... I am concerned...very...I want to believe him...to believe that he will do what he says. That he will work through this...but I dont know. Just curious...if you had found yourself in that situation (her coming home) what would you have done? I just reacted without thinking...
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I have told him that action needs to happen or I will leave. For now I just have to give him the opportunity to do what he says he will. He has not missed any "deadlines" as of yet. If he has not told her, filed and moved out by July I will have to go NC... Your post from January: Today he is having a conversation with her saying that if she does not care enough about the Marriage to go to thereapy then it needs to be disolved. If she agrees to go, he will use it as an opportunity to make her realize that the marriage is over and needs to end. And then you gave an expected date of April 1.
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I was very naive to think that it would happen that soon. He did have that conversation with her and many others...She would not go to therapy so he is going alone... I didnt even begin to fill out my paper work for my lawyer (the liabilities/assest statement) until two weeks ago. I really cannot accuse him of not moving quickly enough when I am only a step ahead of him...I am scared too...
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 My therapist has said that this will take much longer than I imagined. And that I am putting all the focus on what he is or is not doing rather than taking action to resolve my end of it. So I have been taking the necessary steps to make myself feel in control. Ive been interviewing...contemplating returning to school...working with my therapist and my lawyer
Confused4Now Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I was very naive to think that it would happen that soon. He did have that conversation with her and many others...She would not go to therapy so he is going alone... I didnt even begin to fill out my paper work for my lawyer (the liabilities/assest statement) until two weeks ago. I really cannot accuse him of not moving quickly enough when I am only a step ahead of him...I am scared too...Just make sure you understand you could be doing this all alone. If you read my story I left my marriage but I knew I could be all by myself and alone. After a 16 month divorce process and finalized 11 months ago. My MW has yet to do anything....so are you ready for this? Me being a MAN when I made up my mind I LEFT....it was all about ACTIONS. I have no ill feelings towards my MW...cause right now I'm focusing on ME and my kids. That is my priority. So be ready to be alone....it was hard in the beginning but I have learned to be by myself and I'm comfortable with it.
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 The test will be to see what happens this summer. He has the summers off...the kids go away for the summer, so there will be no excuses. If he doesnt do it then I know he never will.
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 ConfusedNoMore, TY... I am hoping that he will come through but if not Id rather be alone than in my marriage.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 It honestly sounds like his marriage wasn't half as bad as he's made it out to be, if it were, he would have just come clean with his wife, told her the truth and gotten a divorce. She is suspicious, he is more than likely gas lighting her making it seem like he isn't cheating or doing anything behind her back, making her feel crazy hense the fighting. His feelings changed for his wife because of the affair with you. Doesn't mean things sucked at home..Many Mm are content in their marriage, they just have needs that need to be met and are selfish, something missing inside that makes them reach out to someone else. I could be wrong, but if their marriage is bad, then divorcing and putting a plan into action NOW will be happening, but it really hasn't. He's feeding you a bullcrap line to keep your hopes up.
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Well, you are on the right track!! Whether your H knows because you told him or because you got caught...he knows. You are divorcing. You have seen a lawyer and a therapist. In my opinion...you do not yet sound very realistic..but hey, you ARE trying and you ARE taking tangible steps. You are filling out your paperwork, I know what a chore that is.... But just by filling our that particular form...is a great big dose of reality. You want out of the marriage. You want a job and are looking...you need one, so I hope you are being proactive about it. It may very well matter not just for income but in the divorce regarding the children. You are quite caught up with making excuses for your MM. Look, if you were my friend I would tell you at this point: Do what you gotta do. Do not hold your breath for this guy. Keep moving forward independent of him and soon what he does wont matter either way. You will be OK. But seriously, get your head out of your ass. I love you, you know that right?
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 It honestly sounds like his marriage wasn't half as bad as he's made it out to be, if it were, he would have just come clean with his wife, told her the truth and gotten a divorce. She is suspicious, he is more than likely gas lighting her making it seem like he isn't cheating or doing anything behind her back, making her feel crazy hense the fighting. His feelings changed for his wife because of the affair with you. Doesn't mean things sucked at home..Many Mm are content in their marriage, they just have needs that need to be met and are selfish, something missing inside that makes them reach out to someone else. I could be wrong, but if their marriage is bad, then divorcing and putting a plan into action NOW will be happening, but it really hasn't. He's feeding you a bullcrap line to keep your hopes up. I know thats the way it looks. I also am aware that I only know what he tells me. Maybe I am stupid...I dont know. He thinks he sought out the affair as a way of ending his marriage. It was not about sex... From what he tells me things have not been good from the start...He has been very lonely for the duration of the marriage. From the start he talked about a lack on intimacy...she never looks at him...told him she didnt like kissing him...smacked him away if he tried to touch her...he tried for many years to get her to talk about it, to speak to a therapist. She refused and said it was his problem. She drinks heavily and he suspects she is an alcoholic (i have seen the empty wine bottles after a weekend...) he doesnt drink due to his medical condition. They are both miserable. They have no friends and do not socialize. As for our relationship we talk several times per day. Keep in contact through text. We were seeing each other twice a week but the the month will be once due to his hectic work schedule until mid May. We usually are able to get away for one or two nights on a weekend every 6 weeks. He is always there to support me when I need him. The first several months I suffered from extreme anxiety...he was always understanding, always patient. I do not know what is going on in his marriage for sure but I do know that he loves me. He is struggling. He thought he would be married forever. Never though he would do this...I know him...am I naive to think he is different? Yet I know I only know the things he tells me...and I need action not words...
seren Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If my H had discussed us divorcing and if I were suspicious that there was OW then the story of you being there for an interview would have seemed very suspicious. Yet it sounds like she accepted his explanation, made you welcome without any histronics. This begs the question of whether she really is suspicious and if you have a clear picture of what is going on in their marriage. Not intending to bash you, it seems like you are taking steps to leave your marriage and while I understand your not telling your H, it really is a pretty awful thing to be gaslighted.
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 The wife's reaction to coming home unexpectedly and finding her H alone with a strange woman... Was one of a wife who is not feeling suspicious or threatened. She trusts him. If she was indifferent about him, she would still be irate you were in her home.
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 2sure...I appreciate you being blunt with me...I need that, badly... I have a wonderful therapist. She emails me in between sessions with great advice... I thought Id share some...long but good for anyone in a similar situation...Free advise for other OW:) "You know, my little turtle dove, if at all possible, I think it might be helpful if you made an effort to understand where XXX is coming from. As I have said from day 1, in the end, you have to take care of yourself while XXX takes care of himself, because if it doesn't work out, you are still stuck with the giant problem you have created for yourself. I think we need to work on how to be there for someone ELSE and how to be supportive. It is to be expected that XXX will have concerns, second thoughts. Anyone in his position would. If you could say to him, rationally and quietly, that you understand his feelings and that it must be very difficult for him, you might get a lot further in the end. However, this is not about XXX, really. It is about you and what you would do if you are forced to live your life in the near future as a single mother without XXX, or someone like him, and I agree that is a scary thought. It is not impossible and it is not terrifying, but it is certainly uncomfortable. I suppose the question to ask, and for you to answer, is what would happen if XXX DID disappear or decide he could not do this any longer? That is a really important question. What would happen? What would happen to you, to the kids, to the animals, to the house??? What would change? What would be different? Please note that I said "in the NEAR future," because nothing is forever and nothing stays the same. Feelings come and go, people come and go. Nothing remains the same. You will not spend the rest of your life alone in misery and desolation no matter what ultimately happens with XXX. That just won't happen. You need to reality check here and get yourself back on track. You have been talking yourself INTO a crisis and now you need to talk yourself back OUT of a crisis. You need to talk to yourself and remind yourself of exactly how your life would change without XXX in the immediate future and stop projecting ahead so far. You have to live in the present moment, and not in some time in the future that has yet to arrive. You need to deal with where you are now, before you can project forward to any other scenario. Try living in the present for just a little while until you get your feet back under you. There are still animals to be fed and kids to entertain. That hasn't changed and it won't. THAT is where you live now. Try not to get so far ahead of yourself. Just take it one step at a time. You are taking baby steps. I am guessing that having written all this, you are already feeling better and things are not looking as bleak as they were. You are coming this week, yes? Take a deep breath, step back and try to remember that things are not as terrible as you think they are. Sometimes you just have to let things slide by and not take everything so seriously as if it is all about life and death. Either way, I can promise you, you will be fine, but more importantly, you will do better if you do not over-react to perceived threats with so much drama and unhappiness. It will only push him away. This is all just a part of the process, not an ending. This is a good time to focus on your own life; your kids, your animals, your friends and the things YOU need to do now. Your life will continue either way, so you might as well make sure you are in as good shape as you can be. Go to the gym. Listen to tapes. Make plans with friends. Just don't sit there and be a victim. Keep active and keep moving. Distractions are really important."
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 The wife's reaction to coming home unexpectedly and finding her H alone with a strange woman... Was one of a wife who is not feeling suspicious or threatened. She trusts him. If she was indifferent about him, she would still be irate you were in her home. EXACTLY....I said to him "wow, I cant believe she bought that" and he said "She trusts me..." She was pissed that I was there...she did say how could you let someone in with the house looking like such a mess...
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 If my H had discussed us divorcing and if I were suspicious that there was OW then the story of you being there for an interview would have seemed very suspicious. Yet it sounds like she accepted his explanation, made you welcome without any histronics. This begs the question of whether she really is suspicious and if you have a clear picture of what is going on in their marriage. Not intending to bash you, it seems like you are taking steps to leave your marriage and while I understand your not telling your H, it really is a pretty awful thing to be gaslighted. I agree...I dont feel as if you are bashing me. That is why I came here...to hear what I need to not what i want to ))
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 All very good thoughts and advice from your therapist. But ...Turtle Dove?? For real. I guess its me but if anyone I was paying ever called me that I'd be pissed! lol.
Author 4321sn Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 She a little odd... Ive been seeing her for 3 years way before this affair began so I am used to her...
Recommended Posts