BP1985 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I have been dating a girl for about 5 months. I’m 25 and shes 21. Its sort of a long distance relationship in that she lives 2 hours away, however we talk every day and see each other every weekend. There was something special about her from the start, and she said the same about me. It was a feeling neither of us had ever felt before. We’re very much in love with each other, we already talk about getting married and having kids one day. We have so much in common with each other, the match just seems perfect. However, I have trust issues and insecurities when it comes to relationships because of things that have happened in my past, I made these clear up front. I wanted to be honest with her about who I was. I told her that it may be tough at times but that I’m working on it. She told me she’d stick by me no matter what as long as I was trying to work on my issues. I even started seeing a counselor once a week to try and work things out. Recently the issues have come up, nothing real major, but just a few small arguments. Fast forward to this past weekend. We had a bit of a fight and almost broke up. To make a long story short, she made me realize I had been doing a lot of things that made her uncomfortable in the relationship. My trust issues and insecurities had been getting the best of me and my actions, although I didn’t realize it, had really started getting to her. Between *her work, school, and family issues, it was becoming too much pressure to try and keep the relationship happy. So she said she wanted a break. I let her cool off and text her that night and said I didn’t wanna lose her and if we could talk about it and fix things then lets do it. She agreed and I poured my heart out, telling her everything that I realized I was doing and how it was affecting her and that I was going to change. We decided to stay together and work things out. She told me she loved me and never wanted to be without me. Well the very next morning, the first text I get from her she tells me shes having a crappy day but wouldn’t tell me why. Instead of being supportive and telling her I’m here if you need me, I pressured her. I wanted to know what was wrong with my girlfriend. I ended up making a big mistake and texting her mom and telling her what had happened over the weekend and that I was worried. Well that pissed my girlfriend off, and with good reason. I should’ve never text her mom. Anyway, I didn’t text my girlfriend the rest of the day, I decided to let her cool off. Then that night I get a text basically saying she needs some time to get everything straight in her life, get her feet on the ground and be stable before she can be fully committed to me because shes not happy with where she is. She told me she loves me but its not fair to me if shes unhappy and not fair to her to put the things she needs to do last because all she thinks about is me, she’s lost and she needs space. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said theres no one else that she ever wants to be with, she cant wait to spend her life with me and have a family with me and that she promises she’ll be back after she gets everything together. I asked her if she really truly thinks she’ll be back and she said she knows it. I’m so confused, I don’t understand women. How can you say you love someone and can’t wait to spend your life with them but still want to be apart from them. I don’t know if this is just an excuse or if shes being honest. How much time to I give her? What do I do? I want her to know that I realize where I’ve screwed up and Im making every effort to fix it. I feel like if I could somehow prove to her that things could go back to how the relationship was in the beginning, when everything was fun and lighthearted and there weren’t conversations about trust issues and insecurities. I wanna call or write her so bad to tell her these things but if there’s any chance left I don’t wanna screw it up by pressuring her. I just don’t know what to do.
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 ok first and foremost, I'm sure she does love you, but you are going about this the wrong way. You have to accept that part of the problem with your relationship is that you have 'trust issues'. I have been there, but I got over it. I hate when people use past experiences as an excuse for being insecure, your gf/ex does not deserve to be lumbered with your previous stuff. This is not about giving her time/working out how long to give her/worrying about what she is thinking... this is about YOU stopping all of this, stopping, going for a long walk or something, having a real think about things. You just have to make a simple decision, either you trust her or not. If you do, fine, great you have a chance with her. If not, then let her go, and be single until you can trust again. And stick to your decision. You might not think it is important, but it is so massively important, if you don't trust her, then sooner or later, you WILL lose her. This thing isn't really about her in my eyes, it is about you, you need to prove you are ready for something like a serious relationship, because at the moment, and in the past, you did not give it a chance of working... just choose.
Author BP1985 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 (edited) You're right, I agree completely. In fact my counselor said the exact same thing. I want to trust this girl, I feel like she's given me no reason not to. It's like I'm scared to trust her because if I do give her all my trust she will break it and I'll be the fool. Edited April 27, 2010 by BP1985
CodenameD Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 When things get complicated it's wise to give some space! From what you said, your relationship is not damaged. She just needs some space! And she needs it so that the relationship does not get damaged at all in the future. Sometimes, when you are close to someone you love but your mind is jammed with too many unwanted and unorganized things you need to move away from that loved someone and take some time alone and reorganize them so that you can return to love that special someone with maximum efficiency (sorry if am sounding too technical XD)! That's what she needs. She need time to rearrange stuffs in her head so that everything is Ok in the future. DO NOT THINK that she is distancing away from you or wants to end this. Put it like this: when your Computer software slows down you need to uninstall and reinstall that right? That's basically the case here. What you must do is to give her this space and react to her casually. For awhile try not to interfere in her matter too much unless asked for personally. Just let her restore herself for the time being and everything will be as sweet as ever. Remember: Patience is a virtue!
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 do you really believe that? I don't think if you think that, if you really think that, not just that you are scared of it/don't want to admit it... if you really truly believe that, then i don't think you should be in a relationship at all... and especially with her. Humans have complicated brains, but essentially, it is your choice if you trust her or not, it is a really simple decision... write that you trust her on a bit of paper and put it in your wallet, and even if you get scared, look at it and remember how you HAVE to trust her if this is to work. think about it, when have you ever been certain of anything? You cross the road every day and there is a chance you could get run over. It MIGHT happen, but you don't worry about it, because there is nothing you can do. And this is exactly the same principle... if she is going to cheat on you/leave you, you not trusting her isn't going to make that any less likely, in fact, it will make it more likely... so if you want her, make a decision and stick to it... because if you don't and lose her, you will have to decide to trust someone eventually, in order to be happy.
Author BP1985 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 so what do I do? Try to talk to her? Wait for her to contact me? What do I say? I know there's things I need to work out. Me being clingy is a result of my insecurity and not being able to trust. This is something I've spoken with my counselor about and have plans in place to try and resolve the situation. But I believe her when she says shes got a lot on her plate too. School is a big stress for her. Then she works all night after school. She has family issues goin on. I just don't know what to do as far as trying to talk to her and fix things.
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 i think you are missing my point. You need to spend some time thinking about yourself and why you have doubts. Not just an instant thing, you need to properly spend a few days/weeks thinking about it... if not, and you just pretend you are going to be secure about yourself, IF you get back, you are just going to be the same as soon as she does anything 'suspicious'... ie hanging out with a friend or something stupid such as that... the fact you are still asking what you should do with respect to her, shows that you aren't willing to put yourself and your problems first, which is what you need to do. You are too intense, and that is why it wasn't working... you can't see the woods for the trees... and that is why if you get back with her, it won't work. You need to work on yourself, get more friends, more interests, make it so that if you get back with her, she won't be the centre of your life... as it is clear that even now, she is... and if you get back, she will know that...
Author BP1985 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 you're pretty good at this. her being the center of my life is a pretty accurate statement, i'll admit it. in fact everything you said is right 100%. but if i do reach that point where where i've worked these things out within myself, how do i convey that to her? how do i make her sure of it? and what about her reasons for needing this break. she's saying its not me. she's saying she needs to get things in her life in order before she can commit to me, and once she does i'm who she wants to be with. even during the breakup, shes still saying im the one she wants to be with, marry, have a family with one day and that she promises shes coming back once she gets some things together. what do i make of all that?
USMCHokie Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 and what about her reasons for needing this break. she's saying its not me. she's saying she needs to get things in her life in order before she can commit to me, and once she does i'm who she wants to be with. even during the breakup, shes still saying im the one she wants to be with, marry, have a family with one day and that she promises shes coming back once she gets some things together. what do i make of all that? I want a break = I don't want to be with you anymore. If she truly loved you and wanted to be with you, she wouldn't let you go in times of hardship or adversity. She is telling you all those things (you're the one she wants to be with and marry and have kids with, blah blah blah) because it makes you feel good to hear it. She probably does care about you, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so she'll feed you these lines. So what do you make of it? Nothing. They are just words. Words are meaningless...actions are what count...and her actions are fairly inconsistent with wanting to be with you... How does she know that once everything in her life magically falls into place, she'll come running back to you...? She doesn't...and neither do you...but she's willing to "promise" that she'll come back...? Ummm, wow...ok...she's 21...which means she's young and has no idea what the hell she wants in life or in a guy... My advice...LAUNCH...NC...move on...luckily it's only been 5 months which really is not that long...let her sort out her life...meanwhile, you have to live yours, without her...if she comes crawling back, then cross that bridge when you get to it...otherwise, don't put your life on hold for someone that's willing to throw you away...
lorrs06 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I know how bad it is to be in an untrusting relationship, but seing as you know your faults and are trying to change then maybe you should change fully(without changeing who you are) in this break because if she says she's coming back she means it. Women are not that complicated we say what we mean no hidden meanings with us. She would be finding it just as hard as you but keep in mind it's for all the right resons, I think she means it when she talks about marriage to you. And beacuse it's only being 5 months maybe she's a little scared too but just give her her time she'll be back in your arms. or if you want you could suggest her going to conselling with you. If she's ok with the idea maybe you and her could work through it together. I just wouldn't contact her for a little while she needs time to think, as you said you don't want to pressure her.
Peaceful Guy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If she truly loved you and wanted to be with you, she wouldn't let you go in times of hardship or adversity. love does not equal not letting go. in fact, sometimes it does.
Peaceful Guy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 i think ethanH has had a pretty level head about all this.
USMCHokie Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 love does not equal not letting go. in fact, sometimes it does. Perhaps. But love is rather irrelevant in this case. Letting go is all that matters. The actions...not the motives or intentions behind them...are what matter...
Peaceful Guy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Perhaps. But love is rather irrelevant in this case. Letting go is all that matters. The actions...not the motives or intentions behind them...are what matter... i see what you're saying. it might matter to him though to know that she's not taking her love away even if there is space in the relationship.
hater13 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 It's as simple as going NC and giving her the "space" she needs. If she wants to come back she will. If not you need to realize that you can be happy without her
Author BP1985 Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) shes already text me twice tonight, once telling me she missed me, and when she got no response from me, she said so you've forgotten about me already. i did text back and tell her of course i miss her and no i havent forgotten. i told her she asked for space so im giving it to her and in the mean time im trying to clear my head of all the bad thoughts and think logically about what went wrong and how it can be fixed in case she does decide to come back. she responded back by telling me i was a great person and that she will no doubt be back. she loves me and only me. originally she tried to say that the we needed a break so SHE could take care of some things, but then she admitted her issues on top of the fact that she has a difficult boyfriend was just too much too bear right now. sooooooo, idk.... Edited April 28, 2010 by BP1985
Author BP1985 Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 She's so confusing. She tells me it's not me, it's her. She needs to sort out her own problems but once she does she promises shes coming back. Yet she thinks if we see each other this weekend it will be too hard.... well if shes planning on coming back to me eventually anyway why is she worried about it being hard to see me? I dont get ittttt. Women are so difficult.
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