Sometimes being in an LDR doesn't feel real

[Azn117]

Disclaimer: I'm happy in my relationship but guess I really need to let this out.

 

Hi all,

 

Sometimes I wonder if others feel the same way too so responses of all kind would be appreciated.

 

I've been in an international LDR for 2.5 years with another couple more years to go. We see each other once a year. Last year I went over for 3 months (summer break), this year he's coming over for 1 month (maximum work leave). It hasn't been easy but we've worked ourselves a little system of emails and skype. In addition, I have a wonderful best friend and a healthy social life; as does he. I've little doubt that we'll get through this and have our happy ending.

 

However, on my 'bad days' (thankfully they're few and far between), days where I wallow in my self-constructed misery and feel sorry for myself, my doubts surface and shakes my faith in us. Doubts such as:

 

1. Am I even in a relationship or am I fooling myself in thinking I'm in one? Pragmatically I know I am. Our r/s has developed and matured over time which is evidence enough. Yet I always feel like I need to 'show' my friends who my bf is before it feels 'real'. Other friends I know in LDRs have the luxury (no offence meant to anybody for the use of this term) of frequent visits, back and forth till it makes my head spin, and here I am with 1 visit a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad i have at least this.

 

2. Am I being fair to my bf by staying in this r/s when he's ready for life to begin (having graduated with a good job) but instead has to wait for me? He mentioned this a few times before on down-days expressing his disappointment at the fact he's in his prime but unable to start life but almost always pushes it aside. However, because it has been raised I remain acutely aware that this is a factor which I feel guilty about.

 

3. Almost similar to point 1, I wonder if LDRs are healthy. He leads his life, I lead mine. We're always wishing we could do things with the other, but as we know it isn't possible. Dinners, parties, concerts etc. we go with friends rather than each other. Being surrounded by friends in normal r/s and knowing that we're 'alone'. Of course my heart and head knows that I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world, he is that special... but is this kind of life (the life of half an LDR) really considered living? Does anybody ever have this doubt?? I always tell myself that 'in the future when we're together' we can do everything we want to together. Plenty of time to make up for lost time. Is this true? Are there any instances when you can't make up for something missed?

 

Today while riding the bus and re-reading a couple of old texts from my bf I was filled with such indescribable joy knowing I am loved that I was so tempted to call my best friend to tell her how I felt... but I knew she wouldn't (really) understand. Then I felt quite alone. And suddenly I was hit by a wave of doubts and fears. I don't even know how to end this post. Umm comments please?

[Els]

Would you mind clarifying what you said about him being 'unable to start life because he has to wait for you'? Is he holding on to a less-than-ideal job and giving up opportunities because he's waiting for you to go there? Or what?

[Azn117]

Would you mind clarifying what you said about him being 'unable to start life because he has to wait for you'? Is he holding on to a less-than-ideal job and giving up opportunities because he's waiting for you to go there? Or what?

 

Sorry, will clarify here. No, he isn't holding a less than ideal job. In fact he's holding his ideal job and is very satisfied with his professional life. By unable to start life, in his words, he means that he now has a nice income but cannot enjoy it with his girlfriend who is far away, he has nowhere to go, no one he really wants to go with, he cannot buy an apartment and... well 'start life'. Friends are one thing, that he has plenty of. He's well-loved and surrounded by many friends. But to him, what he truly wants is for me to be there for his life to begin. Does this make sense?

 

Being surrounded by his friends who are moving on to different stages in their lives while he's just waiting must be quite a downer for him I suppose. This I can understand.

Edited April 27, 2010 by Azn117
Sorry, had more to say.

[Els]

I'm not sure if it's healthy to think of 'life beginning' as 'having a partner who is there IRL'. The fact that he's disappointed that 'life can't begin for him because he has to wait for you' is, well.. let's just put it this way. If he cares so much about your relationship that it signals the 'beginning of life' for him, why is he disappointed that he 'he's unable to start life because he has to wait for you'? Or does he just want a relationship?

 

Of course, I could be completely wrong in my analysis because I don't truly know him or you - only you can judge that. Personally, though, I would not embark on a 4.5 year LDR knowingly - because 4.5 years is just too much for me.

[Eeyore79]

I think she means that he has graduated and got a job, and is ready to start his life with someone - she is the cause of the LDR, because she isn't free to go to him yet.

 

OP, I think an LDR is just as real as any other relationship, just there's less of the touchy feely stuff and you get to spend less time together. Perhaps an LDR is stronger than a normal relationship - it has to be in order to withstand the separation.

 

AN LDR isn't ideal, but if the alternative is losing someone who you really love, then the LDR is worth it. You could wait your whole life and never find that sort of love with someone again; alternatively you could wait a couple of years and be together with your LDR partner. Imo if you find someone that special then you shouldn't let them go.

 

You're not being unfair to him, it's his choice to remain in this LDR. He could end it and date a local girl if he wanted to, but he chooses to wait for you. What would be unfair is to take that decision out of his hands and end the relationship because it's "in his best interests". He's an adult, he can decide what's in his own best interests, and he seems to think that his best interests are being with you.

[aerogurl87]

You could wait your whole life and never find that sort of love with someone again; alternatively you could wait a couple of years and be together with your LDR partner. Imo if you find someone that special then you shouldn't let them go.

 

 

I agree with all of this, especially the bolded part. If you find someone special, hold on to them. There may be more fish in the sea, but that doesn't mean they're the right fish for you. OP your boyfriend may have had this same dillema in his head already, but I'm guessing if he did he came to the conclusion that it's better to be happy in a relationship with someone he really loves than just go find someone and be half as happy with someone else whose local.

[CodenameD]

At least you meet once a year.

There are many LDRs that formed and went online and the couples never met each other for some years. LDR is not the easiest to hold on to relationship if you get frustated from waiting however it IS a relationship. And your relationship isn't about bragging to your friends. It is meant for you and your partner. And nothing is more important than you two be to gather in the future someday.

 

And like its said in this thread: you can surely quit your LDR and get a real life mate. But will he/she be the same? For instance, my LDR is absolutely perfect for me and so I don't want to give up, even though I have failed in LDR twice before. Because losing her would be a major regret, and the only way I may ever have her someday is by going on with the LDR, for now till we sett down close to each other.

 

If you really want him, stick to the LDR. It doesn't matter if your friends know if you have a boyfriend or not. It's your relationship, NOT THEIRS! It's you who should be excited and happy all the time from it, NOT THEM! So, go on. There is nothing wrong with a LDR. Just be patient and you will be rewarded in time.

 

Good luck!

[Romance]

I feel like I'm not in a real relationship a lot. I have no companion most of the time and am just alone. I have a very hard time dealing with it

[Deeblondie82]

I understand as alot of us do about the whole LDR and how to deal with not seeing your partner. But if both of you are commited to the relationship all should work it self out. We all have our moments and its hard to know that at times we will be sad and lonley but in the end things will work out if you WORK at them.

[electricity]

My relationship is in a much newer stage, so I don't really have any advice to offer. All I can say is that I definitely feel the same way sometimes. It's particularly hard when my roommates have their boyfriends over practically every day.

 

People tell me you gain a lot of life experience in a relationship. I don't feel all that much different being in this relationship than not, except sad when we're not together. To me, a relationship is about sharing experiences, being there for each other, etc. Actions speak louder than words - but all we have ARE words. He can't hold me when I'm sad, I can't baby him after a stressful work day. We can't go to the local film festival together, show each other a great new restaurant we found, etc. To what extent then, is it a relationship? Sometimes I almost feel more like a regular friend than a girlfriend, and I wonder what it takes to move to the next level.

[AnnPod]

I wonder what it takes to move to the next level.

 

Webcam sex

 

No honestly, I feel the same now and then. You need to share certain things you share with no one else. Words, pictures, stories, presents... There is just not much more to do.

 

However, when you are REALLY far (and some people here are an ocean apart), I think it's just a huge commitment to go alllll the way to see someone, spend so much money etc... You only do all the mess for someone who really matters. That's what I am trying to keep in mind.

 

And any type of relationship should be an inspiration, something that makes us feel complete and discover who we are. We only find that with our loved ones, and that's why we do all this. This will not give us all the kisses we sometimes so desparately need, but I think the truth is, we know we won't find it with someone else either.

 

It's normal to feel sad and lonely, and it takes some strength not to get lost in those big, weird feelings, so all you can do is pull yourself together and stop complaining.

[Citizen Erased]

This will not give us all the kisses we sometimes so desparately need, but I think the truth is, we know we won't find it with someone else either.

 

This is so true.

 

I never thought I would be in this situation but he is and will remain to be worth every single day I'm away from him. I'd take one visit a year with him over 365 days with someone else. It's real, he has added more to my life than anyone I've been with before. If anything it has taught me to appreciate each moment I have with him, apart or together, and I hope I continue to do that when this distance has ended.

[Deeblondie82]

This is so true.

 

I never thought I would be in this situation but he is and will remain to be worth every single day I'm away from him. I'd take one visit a year with him over 365 days with someone else. It's real, he has added more to my life than anyone I've been with before. If anything it has taught me to appreciate each moment I have with him, apart or together, and I hope I continue to do that when this distance has ended.

 

You two are so wonderful together! I don't know you lol but every time I read your post I get a tear of joy in my eye because I always want that in a man and it seems like you got something really great! I hope after my first meet he will come around. We are waiting til we meet first to make anything official if our meeting works out or if not that we going to just stay friends. And I am hoping for more then friends:)

[Citizen Erased]

You two are so wonderful together! I don't know you lol but every time I read your post I get a tear of joy in my eye because I always want that in a man and it seems like you got something really great! I hope after my first meet he will come around. We are waiting til we meet first to make anything official if our meeting works out or if not that we going to just stay friends. And I am hoping for more then friends:)

It's funny, for me there was no other option but for us to be more than friends. I was so sure about him, about how things are...I am really lucky things worked out cos it could have been different. I just never felt that I had to protect myself with him, like I have always done with others.

 

Things are hard, very, but he's so patient and understanding. He's exactly the perfect person to have in this kind of situation. And, well, I love him.

 

Now why does your guy have to "come around" ?

[Spiritofnow]

Hey, AZN117,

 

First of all I would urge you to go and check out the 'views counter' for this thread, because I believe that is a very real indication that what you have described concerning an LDR not feeling real or like a genuine relationship is a real issue for many others, too.

 

I read your post a good few times, because I wanted to be sure to hear you as best I can...

 

I will reflect back to you what I heard and what I think you were describing, and of course if I am incorrect you can interject.

 

Okay,

 

I think the core of your thread was about not feeling like your relationship with your bf is real in comparison with RL relationships, and perhaps this dynamic along with a lack of understanding in your real life adds more significance to those feelings.

 

I don't think it's an accident that a forum like this exists - there isn't a blue-print in our everyday lives regarding the dynamics of LDR's, which hinders our perception along with other people's -- a lack of direct experiences and conditioning on what a relationship can be apart from more conventional forms.

 

I think as time moves on and more and more people enter into LDR's due to the resources that bring us closer together in a global context will change that dynamic, but for now we reach out to others who are sharing similar experiences to us. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find people with those experiences in our real lives, so again we are forced to use a medium that takes us away from physical communication.

 

I think it's healthy for you to ask yourself the questions you have highlighted in your post, however I would add to that that whether an LDR is healthy is about individual differences -- it might suit one person, but not necessarily another. So, I would say that asking "is this healthy for me" is a great place to begin and perfectly normal and good.

 

I felt similar to you regarding whether my relationship was 'real' or not before and just after I had met my bf - we met on a research forum (neither of us were looking for a relationship at that time) and we communicated for a little over a year on-line, which then progressed to a physical meeting (he is American and lives and works in the USA and I am British and live and study in the UK). We have been together for over two years now, and we see each other about 3-4 times a year for two weeks at a time. Anyway, before we had met I felt kind of foolish referring to him as my bf, even though we had made a commitment to each other to be just that - I believe those feelings stemmed from a lack of knowledge and a lack of direct experience with other people in the same situation. Additionally, to that I believe that some people are judgemental about LDR's and assume that they are all doomed to fail, especially those that have started in a virtual way, which makes it hard for us to be taken seriously. I get those feelings and I have found that the more physical time we have spent together has alleviated those feelings for me. It's also as simple as experiencing a relationship (an LDR) in a new way, which doesn't apply to the ways we have been conditioned to believe constitutes a relationship - I think you have to find your own way as a couple to help yourselves bridge that gap.

 

I think perhaps, your bf perceptions regarding where he is in life and the dynamics your distance causes could be problematic ( I do see how he could view your LDR in this way, because I think I have been guilty of placing too much emphasis on my relationship in the past, too).

 

I think if he could find a way to shift his focus may help you both - perception is a wonderful thing because it frames how we think, which can cause all kinds of issues. I think it's very romantic that he feels without you that his life is a little less meaningless, but if he is to withstand the tensions that an LDR can bring about, he may find that that perception actually takes him away from the person he loves. He perhaps, has to remind himself what is important; whether his focus is to be able to share is life with just anyone, or whether it is you. I think reminding ourselves of that can help readjust our thinking. I do miss my bf terribly and have gone through feelings of feeling cheated, because I was ready to share my life in a everyday way, which caused us a lot of tension. I have since realised that by focusing in on what I am missing out on takes me away from the person I love--I don't want to share my life with just anyone, so I am prepared to wait and not continually see it as a sacrifice. It took some work to get here, and I didn't do it alone my bf has supported me and helped me by devising ways to make the future seem more tangible and real, which it is : )

 

I have recently started a thread on here entitled - love can conquer all...even the miles, if you have time go read that, because I feel that my LDR struggles concerning the distance versus my relationship may be relevant, and may help you better understand what to focus on???

 

I hope I have helped you in some small way?

Edited May 5, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Spiritofnow]

Today while riding the bus and re-reading a couple of old texts from my bf I was filled with such indescribable joy knowing I am loved that I was so tempted to call my best friend to tell her how I felt... but I knew she wouldn't (really) understand. Then I felt quite alone. And suddenly I was hit by a wave of doubts and fears. I don't even know how to end this post. Umm comments please?

 

I get that feeling too, and I think it highlights just how REAL our relationships are. I carry the love my bf has for me with me everywhere I go every day, and it feels wonderful, I don't think you should stop yourself from telling your freinds how you feel...in fact perhaps, allowing yourself to behave that way will help alleviate the feelings you have described here. If your freinds love and care for you seeing you happy will be enough for them, so bloody go and share your feelings and feel proud of the joy you feel.

 

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BELIEVE THAT WHAT YOU HAVE IS REAL!!!!

 

Don't explain it, don't apologise for your relationship dynamics, just share how wonderful you feel being with someone who makes you feel like that!!!!

Edited May 5, 2010 by Spiritofnow