WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 I been seeing a guy for the past months... nothing serious since I just got out of a terrible 6 year marriage and he has serious trust issues... I am the type of person who doesnt want to seem like the clingy needy type when it comes to men because my husband was that way with me and it drove me insane! So when dealing with this new one, I try not be be to clingy with him but I think in the process I am not being clingy enough... When I sit back and think about it I may really make it seem like I'm not interested because I tend to have a I dont give a f*** attitude when really I do... Could I be pushing him away by not showing any interest or affection? Does it turn a guy off when he has to initiate everything all the time? always being the one to make the moves or start the convo? How can I find the balance of not being over clingy but clingy enough? Link to post Share on other sites
bayouboi Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Every guy is different, but for me it's definitely a relationship killer if I'm the only one that is initiating everything. As a man, I don't have a problem initiating most of the time, but all of the time feels soul draining...or at the very least that their feelings for you aren't as strong as your feelings for them. It is this reason that I broke up with my last girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 so what are some things I can do to show that I really do like him and very interested without being to clingy? We work together and he is always the one to initiate the conversations and the hugs when we see each other... he is always the one to ask me when we are gonna get together... and lately it seems everytime he asks I already have things I need to do that are important so I end up turning him down... I guess that doesnt help the situation either... and the thing is.. I really do like him... I dont wanna end up pushing him away by thinking I am doing the right thing when its really the wrong thing :/ Link to post Share on other sites
bayouboi Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Well if it's as you say in that "everytime he asks...(you) end up turning him down", then I don't see him staying interested in you for much longer. Perhaps, on a subconscious level, you don't want this to work out and are sabotaging it. If you really do want to keep his interest, how about when you're constantly turning him down/rejecting him, you also offer an alternate date with an alternate plan. For example, "Aww, I'd love to do that with you but I can't because I have to do this tonight, but let's shoot for doing that on such and such date!" Link to post Share on other sites
In-The-Wheat Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 (edited) Every guy is different, but for me it's definitely a relationship killer if I'm the only one that is initiating everything. As a man, I don't have a problem initiating most of the time, but all of the time feels soul draining...or at the very least that their feelings for you aren't as strong as your feelings for them. It is this reason that I broke up with my last girlfriend. I'm the exact same way, and I feel like most people are. If I'm giving the r/s all my love & then some to make up for her lack of affection because she doesn't initiate anything... its going to drain me, drive me crazy, and eventually hurt me. At a certain point I expect something serious back to assure me this is worth it. That is, more than just texting/calling me... You are definitely going to push him away by acting like this. I get the whole "not being clingy" thing, but it sounds like you are more or less being a cold, emotionless b*tch to this guy - maybe not on the inside but you are definitely projecting that to him. You are worrying to much about being "needy" and giving a bad impression, instead of just opening up and enjoying the relationship. You know, it makes us MEN feel good too when you make the first move, when you set up a date or do/say something special & thoughtful for us - let's us know that you love us & truly care. I think you should seriously do some reflection and reconsider how you are treating this guy before he ends it with the feeling that you don't give a sh*t about him. I know thats how I would feel. Edited April 27, 2010 by In-The-Wheat Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 and its not that I just turn him down and dont give him a reason or say that I really want to, but it just seems like his timing is terrible... for one thing or work schedules are off... he works mornings and i work evening and he is always busy on the weekends so when he is free im not and when I am he is not... I guess I just need to make this work... make it seem like I am very determined to see him outside of the work place.. I dont want him to lose interest in me... which I think may be already happening... How can I let him know I am very much interested and really do like him without seeming to pressed? Link to post Share on other sites
In-The-Wheat Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 How can I let him know I am very much interested and really do like him without seeming to pressed? Hmmmm, idk.... maybe you guys can sit down and talk? Just put it out there & if he's really into you he'll understand and stick by you. The important thing is you also have to be a little flexible to make it work. I think its safe to say that he's already sacrificing his precious free time to see you while you are reluctant/wont. If I were him and this continued to happened - peace out. I'm obviously not worth your time, so you are not worth mine. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Tell me about the last 'date' you went on. Nobody is 'busy every weekend'. Trust me. I work with some pretty 'busy' men and that's BS. They prioritize. If this has been 'months' and he's 'busy every weekend', he's not sufficiently interested, IMO. This presumes he's never asked you on a weekend date, since you've mentioned turning him down on a number of occasions. Perhaps he has a regular lady he sees on weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
In-The-Wheat Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 he is always busy on the weekends sorry, i missed this part... this could def. be a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 We have been seeing each other for the past 8 months.. like I said its nothing serious... we work together, altho he works in the morning and I work in the evenings... We have been together alot on the weekends in the past.. actually he has made time to see me on the weekends because he knows my work schedule during the week and I have told him that the only free time i have is on the weekends... I had car issues to, I didnt have transportation so he would have to be the one to pick me up... he is so busy on the weekends because he has his regular job m-f and he is a volunteer firefighter so he likes to spend his weekends at the firehouse... That is a big part of his life and I knew that even before we go involved... that takes up alot of his free time... but like I said he has put aside time for me in the past on the weekends but he would like to see each other during the week in the evenings when he has the free time... Now that I finally got my car thing situated I have more free time in the evenings after work because I can drive myself around... We havent spent time together in 2 months now... since the fight we had.. that was my fault... it took awhile for him to come around and actually start talkin to me again... since then is when all this started, I have had the excuses, but it was for good reasons... and I just dont think i make it seem like I am as interested as I Should... I really do like the guy, and him having serious trust issues doesnt help the situation... I just wanna show him that I do like him, wanna see him, and i am very interested without seeming like a clingy/needy person.. does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 OK, to boil it down, since the fight, the firehouse is more of a priority on weekends than you are. Personally, I'd leave it be. If you look at this objectively, do you honestly think you and he have been communicating clearly? IMO, that's a negative. Will it change? Up to you and he. You can only do your part. If he contacts you again for a 'date', and you still feel the way you seem to be stating here, prioritize that and then clearly communicate what *you* want and how *you* feel. Up to him whether that matches up. Listen. If something, work with that. If nothing, next Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 and the firehouse is always more important than anything really... I knew that in the begining... that doesnt really bother me... I wouldnt mind seeing him during the week so he can have his weekends for the firehouse but its just when he has asked I have been takin care of important stuff... I just dont want this to end because he thinks im not into him... I really think i need to make more of an effort for everything... I need to initiate conversation... i need to be more affectionate and I need to start asking when we are going to get together and stop waiting for him... I just dont wanna overdo it... thats my main fear I guess... but If I keep up what im doing now then Im gonna ruin it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
xRJ85x Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 I been seeing a guy for the past months... nothing serious since I just got out of a terrible 6 year marriage and he has serious trust issues... I am the type of person who doesnt want to seem like the clingy needy type when it comes to men because my husband was that way with me and it drove me insane! So when dealing with this new one, I try not be be to clingy with him but I think in the process I am not being clingy enough... When I sit back and think about it I may really make it seem like I'm not interested because I tend to have a I dont give a f*** attitude when really I do... Could I be pushing him away by not showing any interest or affection? Does it turn a guy off when he has to initiate everything all the time? always being the one to make the moves or start the convo? How can I find the balance of not being over clingy but clingy enough? I can tell you it is !@#$%^& OBNOXIOUS when we men have to initiate everything all the time. If we do, we get nervous about being the one's who are clingy, and try to stay away ourselves and let you come to us. The attempt at trying to stay away from a man is a game and no different than the other stupid rules of dating like "being a challenge, letting them chase you" or "waiting 2-3 days before calling" or "not responding to all texts right away." People should just be themselves and not hold it against other people they're at the beginning of an involvement with. If you're having fun with someone let it be. People who adhere to those rules are either arrogant, insecure, or flat out bored. I hate having to consciously think about what to do and what not to do when I'm simply trying to get to know an attractive girl. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 If you are feigning disinterest all the time, he will certainly conclude you don't want to be with him. Never mind your lousy marriage. Never mind his trust issues. The ground between clingly and disinterested is vast. I can't believe you cannot find a place to stand between those two extremes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 I really hope its not to late and he hasnt already lost interests... I really shouldnt be acting this way since the big fight was my fault... I guess I am just used to the man being so clingy and needy since my husband was that way and never even gave me a chance to... I can really imagine how he must feel to think I am not interested because I know when he doesnt show me any attention or tends to ignore me sometimes I get angry... I guess he must feel the same way... I dont even txt or call him during the weekends to just say hi, or how u doing.. the only time I really communicate with him is at work or in the evenings I might txt him but not often... I guess maybe thats why sometimes he seems into me and sometimes he doesnt.. I have noticed if I make an effort to initiate things more than he seems to change and really seem into me... I guess I need to give him more attention and stop worrying bout whether I am clingy or not... I have a feeling I am very close to him calling it quits and thats something I def dont want Link to post Share on other sites
xRJ85x Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 I really hope its not to late and he hasnt already lost interests... I really shouldnt be acting this way since the big fight was my fault... I guess I am just used to the man being so clingy and needy since my husband was that way and never even gave me a chance to... I can really imagine how he must feel to think I am not interested because I know when he doesnt show me any attention or tends to ignore me sometimes I get angry... I guess he must feel the same way... I dont even txt or call him during the weekends to just say hi, or how u doing.. the only time I really communicate with him is at work or in the evenings I might txt him but not often... I guess maybe thats why sometimes he seems into me and sometimes he doesnt.. I have noticed if I make an effort to initiate things more than he seems to change and really seem into me... I guess I need to give him more attention and stop worrying bout whether I am clingy or not... I have a feeling I am very close to him calling it quits and thats something I def dont want Well, look at it from a simple logic point: How are you gonna get to know him better and get closer to him if you don't talk to him? And how's he gonna know you're interested if you don't show any interest? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Try something novel- use the phone function. Five minutes- say hi how are you and bla bla and see where it goes... Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHarvest Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Does it turn a guy off when he has to initiate everything all the time? always being the one to make the moves or start the convo? How can I find the balance of not being over clingy but clingy enough? IMO it's not a turn off. Gender reversal can sometimes be refreshing. Just look at his personality and see if you think it's something that might throw him off or he might just roll with. As for the second, if you can find that balance of showing enough affection but not TOO much...you let me know...I'm sure many people here would be thrilled to find that happy medium ... Try something novel- use the phone function. Five minutes- say hi how are you and bla bla and see where it goes... Not trying to derail ...but I thought you were like on a trip or something Carhill... I sent you a PM last week...check your inbox if you get a chance! Link to post Share on other sites
Author WildWildWest Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 That is indeed very true.. we wont get to know each other better if we dont spend time together... When we do see each other we get along pretty good... except for the last time when I "broke the news to him" as he likes to say... that was def a terrible time... and we only see each other at work for a brief time and considering we want to keep everything on the DL in the workplace we really dont deal with each other much because there is always ppl around... When it comes down to it.. I just need to seem more interested and let him know I do like him. Link to post Share on other sites
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