Making a new thread about my new relationship/initial concerns

[VertexSquared]

My only concern right now is that she may be wanting to spend too much time together. Almost every day now she asks if we can hang out after work -- I told her that she's going to burn out and get bored if she keeps seeing me every day. In response, she said it's probably more likely that I'd get bored of her, "but she's willing to take the chance."

 

To me this is a bit of a red flag -- I don't really know how to handle the situation properly. I enjoy spending time with her but I don't want us to burn out. I don't want to come across as "I need space because you're annoying me," but rather "I need space because I think our relationship would be better/stronger." We'd have more to talk about and we wouldn't risk burning out. I just moved to this new location and so I don't have a ton of friends/hobbies at the moment that take up a ton of time outside of work and so my days are usually fairly free, and I don't want to lie to her and make up excuses, either.

 

Some other interesting highlights from last night:

 

-At one point she was laying on me but then she had turned around at some point, to which I had replied, "Aw can you turn back around -- it was totally more comfy that way" She did, and half-laughed, "Now why am I doing what you're telling me to do?" "Well, you don't HAVE to -- I'm just asking nicely, haha." Not sure how to interpret her response here.

 

-She had some concerns but was really hesitant to bring things up. She told me that she was a bit of an insecure person and was not used to being open/communicative because her concerns would get dismissed as being overreactive/paranoid/etc. We tried to have an open talk with each other and she was basically afraid that she was going to mess something up because she likes me a lot and doesn't want her overanalytical/observational nature to ruin things (the thing is, I overanalyze too and told her that I empathize her mindset better than she may think, haha).

 

-She is not comfortable with occasional silences. If we go for more than maybe 10 seconds in silence, she feels the need to fill it with something. She told me it's because she always feels like she's in a rush and doesn't want me to find her boring. I told her to just relax a bit, haha -- I'm not going to think that of her. I just prefer quality to quantity, is all.

 

 

What would be a good course of action at this point to help things along?

[123BeachFan]

How long have you two been seeing each other?

[VertexSquared]

A very short time -- we've known each other for maybe 2 weeks or so. eHarmony match.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Upon reading your initial thread I was so happy for you, and still am, but the more you post the more worried I'm getting...

 

She seems very needy/clingy/dependent which, even though you said you don't mind someone who's needy, you really don't want to be with someone who makes you the center of their universe instantly.

 

I know, because I was with a person like that, and it was great for a while, but when it had run its course and I wanted to move on (we were young and he just wasn't the one) he had a complete psychological meltdown and even tried to kill himself. He had made me the ONLY part of his life that he loved, enjoyed, or valued.

 

Not trying to scare you here, and sorry if that was too much info, but definitely proceed with caution.

[pandagirl]

Hmm. I've been refraining from stating my opinion on your newest love endeavor, Vertex, but I have to say -- you've known each other all of two weeks and she wants to see you every day?

 

I think that's a bit much. If you're feeling it, then that's fine, but it's obvious you feel uncomfortable with that, so it's something you should figure out.

[VertexSquared]

Hmm. I've been refraining from stating my opinion on your newest love endeavor, Vertex, but I have to say -- you've known each other all of two weeks and she wants to see you every day?

 

I think that's a bit much. If you're feeling it, then that's fine, but it's obvious you feel uncomfortable with that, so it's something you should figure out.

 

I am okay with it to the extent that I personally don't need a lot of space in my life. I enjoy seeing people I care about on a regular basis, but I also know what happens when people spend too much time together (my last relationship in college was a lot like this -- we ran out of things to talk about and we started grating on each other). I just don't want to end up in one of those relationships that start intense and fast and die in a similar fashion.

[pandagirl]

I am okay with it to the extent that I personally don't need a lot of space in my life. I enjoy seeing people I care about on a regular basis, but I also know what happens when people spend too much time together (my last relationship in college was a lot like this -- we ran out of things to talk about and we started grating on each other). I just don't want to end up in one of those relationships that start intense and fast and die in a similar fashion.

 

I think it's more of like...her quickness to completely attach to you in such a short amount of time that raises my eyebrows.

 

Even if I am SUPPPPPER into a guy, I'm always mindful that I don't want to make him the central focus of my life. I need to do my own stuff.

[123BeachFan]

Ah, you are very early in the relationship. Oftentimes, those first few weeks, you see each other often, but then settle down to a pattern of seeing each other so that everything in your life is in balance. I don't see it as a concern so much that you'll burn out and get bored with each other. Rather, you both need to maintain your own lives and not neglect the other stuff (friends, your own hobbies, house cleaning, your own private down time).

 

Just, decide what you think is reasonable for yourself -- how many nights/week is going to work for you to be together? And then propose that you see each other x night/week on average, though no one is keeping score.

 

• The conversation when she moved off you -- don't read anything into it, it was playful banter.
  
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• I know where you're coming from, I tend to overanalyze too, though I try to take it "off line" and not share with my SO my analysis. I do drive my best friends nuts, though . And hurray for forums like this, huh...
  
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• Being comfortable with silences in communication is really a -stage- that you have to progress into. I know I have this problem in many new relationships (friends as well as BF's).
  

The other day I was at my BF's house, and he was in a funky mood. We were outside enjoying the evening, and he was off in thought. I had to consciously keep my mouth sealed, and just allow the silence, and allow him to be near me but not actively engaged in me. So I just let him come 'round to conversation again, which was much later in the evening. And when he did, he vented about work stuff and some financial worries, etc. I have a tendency to take silences personally in new relationships if I'm not careful.

[VertexSquared]

I am just not a superhypertalktative person and so I am hoping that it doesn't throw her off.

[Eeyore79]

Sometimes in the first few months you're so into each other that you want to spend every second together. It usually gets back to normal after a while; your obsession dies down a bit and you go back to living your own lives as well as seeing each other. I wouldn't worry about it tbh.

[Lindarose84]

Vertex, I've also refrained from commenting but I had read through your entire last thread and after this one I, too, must comment- BIG RED FLAGS.

 

First of all, while I'm happy for you that you found someone that you mesh well with, I think it was waaaaaaaaaay too fast to move into bf/gf mode. Now, I'm not one of those people that thinks there is some stupid timeline people must follow. I've always just gone with my own feelings. However, the smart thing to do when you're feeling like "wow, I REALLY like this person and want to make her/him mine now!" is to step back and realize that these are initial feelings of excitement about a new "love" interest. These feelings are fleeting. It's what happens after these feelings go away that you start to determine whether this is something meant for the long term.

 

You and your new gf didn't do that.

 

As you have stated, you want to take time to explore the relationship and have things to look forward to- relationship milestones. If you do that all in 1 month, you WILL get bored with the relationship and it will die out.

 

Red flags come in because this girl is clearly insecure and very clingy. No sugar coating that. Those are not attractive qualities in anyone. Do you really find it attractive that she doesn't think too much of herself that she feels you'll get bored with her? Sure we all want to be wanted, but there comes a time when it's too much and becomes smothering and annoying. She needs to have her own life apart from your relationship and it seems like she is incapable of doing that.

 

A relationship can't grow if one person's whole life revolves around the other person. You'll be stifled and become resentful. I think you two need to not spend so much time together. Let her try to stand on her own two feet without you being around. Spend time apart so that when you are together, it's that much more exciting.

[carhill]

OP, if I could suggest something.....when you communicate, talk about what you want and enjoy and value; state things in positive terms pertaining to yourself. Refrain from projecting how another might feel or might think. Show 'understanding' and 'care' by mirroring.

 

'I value the time we spend together. I also value my 'alone' time. How do you feel about that?'

[VertexSquared]

OP, if I could suggest something.....when you communicate, talk about what you want and enjoy and value; state things in positive terms pertaining to yourself. Refrain from projecting how another might feel or might think. Show 'understanding' and 'care' by mirroring.

 

'I value the time we spend together. I also value my 'alone' time. How do you feel about that?'

 

Will definitely do this. Thanks!

[VertexSquared]

A relationship can't grow if one person's whole life revolves around the other person. You'll be stifled and become resentful. I think you two need to not spend so much time together. Let her try to stand on her own two feet without you being around. Spend time apart so that when you are together, it's that much more exciting.

 

Right -- I feel like it *is* a bit fast and that we shouldn't be trying to cram everything in like there's a massive time limit, but rather just slow down and enjoy each other. She admits too that it was fast but she feels okay with it. The problem is of course the time issue. She told me last night that "She just wants to see me all the time and she knows it's probably a bad thing"

[123BeachFan]

I think it's only a red flag if you ask for more space (time away from each other), and she doesn't agree to it.

 

It's not uncommon in a new relationship for the two of you to spend gobs of time together upfront. Just, it's not a maintainable pace, and you will need to find a more realistic balance.

 

I like Carhill's approach of your expressing your wishes (and boundaries) in a positive manner.

[carhill]

I did a lot of 'projecting' in my marriage and it was a major communication failure on my part. MC taught me some of the tools which I'm sharing with the OP. Combine open sharing of one's perspective with the acceptance of another's and determining true compatibility is a relatively straightforward process. It's all the twists and turns and guessing and drama which cause the emotional strife, IMO. I knew it was 'wrong', but, before MC, didn't understand the 'why'. It's still a learning process.

 

She told me last night that "She just wants to see me all the time and she knows it's probably a bad thing"

 

'Yes, that's an amazing feeling and I'm so glad you're in my life. I'd love to learn more about your family and friends. Perhaps we can invite some of your friends over and I can get to know them'. IMO, this is moving forward. Accept that she's heard your boundary about your alone time and validated it. Don't re-visit it; instead, through actions, show what your boundaries are. 'Today, I'm doing xxxx and I'll call you tonight' as an example. This is enforcing the boundary through action. Notice the 'and'; it's not a 'but'. Positive language, meaning no inferred explanation or apology for the preceding action.

 

What I'm doing is taking the focus off myself and opening up the dynamic to the wider 'us', meaning our social group, since all those people are important in our lives. Women generally are pretty good at balancing their romance with their other relationships but some (and, as a man, I was guilty of this) tend to over- (meaning unhealthily) prioritize their romance over everything else. My words seek and actions would seek to balance 'our' time with time for the others we love and the words are a reminder of that healthy balance. Again, solicit feedback.... 'how do you feel about that?' Listen.

 

Lastly, don't let your d!ck think for you. It's easy to overlook stuff when in the throes of emotional and sexual bonding. You've identified an issue, one which could become problematical. Address it now in a loving and healthy way. Perhaps it is resolvable. Perhaps not. Time will tell

[VertexSquared]

I did a lot of 'projecting' in my marriage and it was a major communication failure on my part. MC taught me some of the tools which I'm sharing with the OP. Combine open sharing of one's perspective with the acceptance of another's and determining true compatibility is a relatively straightforward process. It's all the twists and turns and guessing and drama which cause the emotional strife, IMO. I knew it was 'wrong', but, before MC, didn't understand the 'why'. It's still a learning process.

 

 

 

'Yes, that's an amazing feeling and I'm so glad you're in my life. I'd love to learn more about your family and friends. Perhaps we can invite some of your friends over and I can get to know them'. IMO, this is moving forward. Accept that she's heard your boundary about your alone time and validated it. Don't re-visit it; instead, through actions, show what your boundaries are. 'Today, I'm doing xxxx and I'll call you tonight' as an example. This is enforcing the boundary through action. Notice the 'and'; it's not a 'but'. Positive language, meaning no inferred explanation or apology for the preceding action.

 

What I'm doing is taking the focus off myself and opening up the dynamic to the wider 'us', meaning our social group, since all those people are important in our lives. Women generally are pretty good at balancing their romance with their other relationships but some (and, as a man, I was guilty of this) tend to over- (meaning unhealthily) prioritize their romance over everything else. My words seek and actions would seek to balance 'our' time with time for the others we love and the words are a reminder of that healthy balance. Again, solicit feedback.... 'how do you feel about that?' Listen.

 

Lastly, don't let your d!ck think for you. It's easy to overlook stuff when in the throes of emotional and sexual bonding. You've identified an issue, one which could become problematical. Address it now in a loving and healthy way. Perhaps it is resolvable. Perhaps not. Time will tell

 

Do you have any more concrete examples of projecting vs mirroring? I understand the concept of "showing" boundaries by sticking to one's own schedule while also including time with one's partner as further activity (as opposed to, as you said, an apologetic "but"), but what is an example of "projecting" and why/how can it be harmful?

[Star Gazer]

Well, I think there's something to be learned here: NEVER ask a girl to be your GIRLFRIEND after the first date.

 

IMHO, she's acting as any other GIRLFRIEND would in wanting to spend time with you.

 

As for the rest, you're still learning about each other. But there's no need to OVER ANALYZE every little detail, like when she moved out of your comfy spot.

 

Really, she has a right to be insecure if she's picking up on how you're analyzing every little detail.......

[carhill]

Projecting:

 

'This might irritate you, but I have to do xxx today'

 

Mirroring:

 

After saying 'I have to do xxx today' without the 'this might irritate you', listen. Example: say she had thought up (but not told you about) some plans.... 'Oh, so you had plans us for today. Can we re-schedule? I'm really looking forward to being with you; after this commitment, I'm all yours' Flirt as appropriate and sincere.

 

Accept that she is responsible for her own feelings and perspective, as are you. It's not your responsibility to figure out her feelings; it's up to her to communicate them to you. Vice-versa.

[VertexSquared]

Well, I think there's something to be learned here: NEVER ask a girl to be your GIRLFRIEND after the first date.

 

IMHO, she's acting as any other GIRLFRIEND would in wanting to spend time with you.

 

As for the rest, you're still learning about each other. But there's no need to OVER ANALYZE every little detail, like when she moved out of your comfy spot.

 

Really, she has a right to be insecure if she's picking up on how you're analyzing every little detail.......

 

The "moving out of the comfy spot" thing was more a concern over her response, not the fact that she moved to begin with (the "Why am I doing what you're telling me to?") thing -- it struck me as odd.

[Star Gazer]

The "moving out of the comfy spot" thing was more a concern over her response, not the fact that she moved to begin with (the "Why am I doing what you're telling me to?") thing -- it struck me as odd.

 

I know what you meant. She was lightly teasing you, being playful.

 

Seriously, V... you need to lighten up.

[123BeachFan]

Great advice on projecting, Carhill. Thanks for sharing, I'll see if I can't improve in that area as well. I know I'm guilty of that, too.

[spookie]

in my opinion, she's clearly a nutcase. but i don't think you're concerned about that.

[BobSacamento]

See when they aren't your girlfriend they feel desperate when they try calling you. When they are your girlfriend they feel like it's their duty to call and harass you.

 

Next time she calls and asks say, "Yeah, what did you have in mind?" Make her set it up.

 

Or do what Carhill said. That's a pretty good plan.

[SadandConfusedWA]

in my opinion, she's clearly a nutcase. but i don't think you're concerned about that.

 

I second this. I read both threads and was holding back from commenting. BUT Vertex also has some major insecurities and hang ups so they may be a good match. Many men when faced with this much clinginess would have run for the hills already.