northstar1 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 After a breakup and you have all the thoughts running through your head about a Second chance, or if you'll ever get back together or if they are dating someone else.... And most of us have had those thoughts, particularly in the first few weeks after a hard breakup... Do you find that your intense feelings of wanting to reconcile comes from a place where you truly believe it was a mistake, and something great was lost and that you want to fight to restore it.............. Or is it more than you are afraid of being alone, jealous of them beign with someone else, and having to go through the whole process of losing that person from your life, and moving on without them? Or both?
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I have great regrets. I know what i did wrong. Looking back, I guess I knew faintly that something wasn't right. And I don't think i would have fully grasped it without the break-up. It is the feeling, which I cannot escape, that if we were to get back together, we would be different, in a much better, healthier way. I wouldn't say I don't want her to be happy. And I'm not afraid of being alone per-se... I mean, I would rather be alone than be with anyone else atm, but I am afraid of the 'what ifs' which will always be there for me with her, even if i meet someone who i really like. I have had a lot of relationships, and even when i was in them, i was never as sure of that I had connected with any of them in the same way i was sure when I was with her. i can't stop missing just hugging her...
collegemommy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 At first, I truly felt that I had lost something great. I mean, I had never felt so complete until we got together. It was like our relationship just made sense. Now that it's been about a month, I think I was more upset with him for being with someone else so quickly. It made me crazy to think that the two of them were laughing and having a good time while I was completely miserable. The break-up doesn't bother me much any more. He is still my friend and if I need something (like something is broken and I need help fixing it) he is usually pretty quick to help me. This is the first time I have ever been single. I've always had back to back boyfriends so I really think a lot of my problems was because I was terrified to be alone. The truth is - I don't miss him. I just miss who I thought he was.
romer Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Subconciously, we do not want to deal with all of the pain that comes with a hard break-up. So, we yearn for the easier side of it...our ex back in our life. So, you really need to sit down, write down all of the pros and cons about your ex, and really see on paper the differences between the two. It helped me alot. I carry that list with me, so if I start missing him I take it out and read it again. It helps keep me focused.
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Subconciously, we do not want to deal with all of the pain that comes with a hard break-up. So, we yearn for the easier side of it...our ex back in our life. So, you really need to sit down, write down all of the pros and cons about your ex, and really see on paper the differences between the two. It helped me alot. I carry that list with me, so if I start missing him I take it out and read it again. It helps keep me focused. I tried to do that, but i ended up with a massive list of 'pros' and not really any 'cons' ... that is why this is so hard... and i was as objective about it as possible... I wish this pain would just go away! if i could remove her from my brain completely right now, i would, in a heart-beat... she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and i spent the best moments of my life with her, but I just can't do this... i'm not stupid, I know what this is doing to me...
Author northstar1 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I tried to do that, but i ended up with a massive list of 'pros' and not really any 'cons' ... that is why this is so hard... and i was as objective about it as possible... I wish this pain would just go away! if i could remove her from my brain completely right now, i would, in a heart-beat... she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and i spent the best moments of my life with her, but I just can't do this... i'm not stupid, I know what this is doing to me... Ethan, have you thought about going to talk to a counsellor?. I think it might help you to express your feelings and thoughts to someone. I did it after my last bad breakup and it did help me gain a better understand and perspective on why I was having the intense feelings I was.
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I'm a brit, we don't do counsellors really. Like, it's not really part of our culture. I once tried it, but it was rubbish, I just spoke and spoke, just like I do with friends, and they didn't know what to say in the end... I remember thinking i might as well have spoken to a brick wall... I also know, that no-one is going to say anything to me to make me feel better, i really believe that...well no-one apart from her...
romer Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Ethan, I know exactly how you feel...it's only been a couple of months for me. Emotionally, my ex checked out of our relationship months before he physically did, which meant I thought everything was just fine up until he decided I was no longer what he wanted, this being right after we had sex. Of course. My self esteem nosedived into a big pile of emptiness. I felt hollow. I am also dealing with the loss of my mother, my best friend and biggest supporter, who died in January...so for me, to be able to get out of bed in the morning, I had to go see my doc. He put me on 40mg Celexa a couple of weeks ago and I feel so much better. I am not saying that this is your answer, but it's mine for now. Other than that, we don't have much choice except for time...which usually drags when we don't want it to and goes by entirely too fast other times. I hope that you know you will get through this. Don't let her steal away your essence.
TachyonGeist Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I guess for me it's a bit of all of it, like, I know exactly what went wrong and exactly how to fix it. But the fact of the matter is, she doesn't believe it can be different, so there is not much I can do about it. As for her being with someone else... That is going to drive me completely insane, I know it will, but eventually I'll get to the point where I don't care. Also, being alone doesn't bother me, I did it for years before her and I can do it for years after. The thing is, she told me she just wants me to be happy, that just because we move on doesn't mean we have to forget. She said I'll always have a special place in her heart and she'll never forget me, that she doesn't regret anything we did together. She just wants to live her life, and that I'm hurting her by not living mine. She genuinely cares for me as we were friends for a while before the relationship altogether. Yes, it hurts, and it will. But my eyes are open after the stupid thing I tried last night, I just happened to wake up =/ But, I don't know, that's just me.
Author northstar1 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I guess for me it's a bit of all of it, like, I know exactly what went wrong and exactly how to fix it. But the fact of the matter is, she doesn't believe it can be different, so there is not much I can do about it. . wow, that is precisely what happened with my breakup. we had some issues and she stopped believing they were fixable and no longer was willing to try. it is so frustrating when you know it can work if both are willing to fight for it, and they no longer believe in it.
TachyonGeist Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 wow, that is precisely what happened with my breakup. we had some issues and she stopped believing they were fixable and no longer was willing to try. it is so frustrating when you know it can work if both are willing to fight for it, and they no longer believe in it. Exactly Here is my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228483/
Author northstar1 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Exactly Here is my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228483/ That's too bad man, sorry to hear that. I guess, if they aren't willing to stick it out, nothing we can do - in the end it will be their loss.
TachyonGeist Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 That's too bad man, sorry to hear that. I guess, if they aren't willing to stick it out, nothing we can do - in the end it will be their loss. I suppose, only thing is, right now i feel like it's MY loss. Not hers. lol.
EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 That's too bad man, sorry to hear that. I guess, if they aren't willing to stick it out, nothing we can do - in the end it will be their loss. you say that, but will it really be their loss? they probably won't ever realise what they had, as it is only when they get in the position we are in, they will be able to realise, and at that point, they won't care, they will just be devastated by the guy who left them. I think it is us who lose, because we thought we had something amazing, and we didn't...
Author northstar1 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 you say that, but will it really be their loss? they probably won't ever realise what they had, as it is only when they get in the position we are in, they will be able to realise, and at that point, they won't care, they will just be devastated by the guy who left them. I think it is us who lose, because we thought we had something amazing, and we didn't... one day yes, they will reflect and realize what they weren't willing to fight for. it might be in a month or 5 years, but they will.
TachyonGeist Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 one day yes, they will reflect and realize what they weren't willing to fight for. it might be in a month or 5 years, but they will. you really believe that? scariest part for me is, my condition is getting worse, essentially I could become a vegetable before I'm 40. And I have to base my life around my condition, so that being said, living life is extremely hard, and so is moving on. She was such a nice constant, something my condition couldn't control. It runs my life otherwise =/ and i finally came out and told her it was getting worse...now she feels horrible. But there's nothing we can do.
sean1970 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 yes. I am. she, is not. If you are allowing her to contact you, that is contact... People often think it is 'rude' or somehow 'mean' to the ex not to converse with them no matter how much it hurts... In the end, who is it really 'rude' to? You... Also, hope you told Justin to **** himself at some point... If he could not put your request and feelings above some petty ****, he is no friend at all....
Ilovecake Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I think that depends on the people and the situation. For me I knew way before we broke up that I was not with the right person but I held on to the hope that he would somehow miraculously change and I stayed. Even though I knew it would happen sooner or later our breakup still came out of nowhere and at a time when I was not emotionally or financially prepared for it. I just started a new job and just got out of the hospital. Needless to say I needed a lot of help from friends and family so if we were to get back together I would have had all those people to answer to and they probably would have never spoken to me again. Even though I missed him and fantasized about him begging me to get back together with him in my fantasy I always said NO. I think that came mostly from a bruised ego and from missing my previous life which I got quite used to. I never wanted him back, just the companionship of another person, our awesome apartment and how much easier it was to share and split everything with someone. All of a sudden I was completely alone and it was a shock to the system. It took me a long time to get used to the idea that my entire life changed overnight but I never once wanted him back as a partner.
bluryy Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I guess we all have to realized that sometimes, it takes a bigger heart to actually break up with the other party, despite loving them? i mean, i'm sure there are people who are actually still in love, but just couldnt take the quarrelling and arguing each time that they decided that they are not meant to be and break up?
Author northstar1 Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 I guess we all have to realized that sometimes, it takes a bigger heart to actually break up with the other party, despite loving them? i mean, i'm sure there are people who are actually still in love, but just couldnt take the quarrelling and arguing each time that they decided that they are not meant to be and break up? Very true. Sometimes there can be love, but one or both aren't willing to keep working at it to get past the roadblocks. Some give up easily when faced with challenges and think that it must be easier with someone else. It's a tough pill to swallow when you understand that your ex is no longer williing to fight for it, even though you can see what the future might have held had they done so.
bluryy Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 But frankly, let's face it. We'll on move on when we meet another better and more compatiable half.
Rearden Metal Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 one day yes, they will reflect and realize what they weren't willing to fight for. it might be in a month or 5 years, but they will. Ditto. And it's sooner than you might think. Here's the caveat, though. It won't ever work between any of you unless you get yourselves to a point where you're focusing on your own life and priorities and devalue her role in the matter. In short, take her off the pedestal (doesn't mean you have to lament her) and move on with your own life that you are blessed to have.
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