lullaby Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Piece of advice- NC rule and he called Hi all! I'm new at this forum thing. Besides, I'm from Argentina, so bare with me on the English part, ok? As short as I can tell my story, basically my ex told me he needed time. We went on holidays on March (our first holidays together) and it wasn´t a great experience, we argued a lot because we had to get to know each other in this new environment that we were, Brazil, but I didn't take as something really problematic, apparently, he did. I'm 26 and he is 22, probably that's the reason because I had other longterm serious relationships and he didn't that much as me. This experience brought him a sort of bitterness and he started being a bit distant from me, although we almost lived together, one can tell when the other one is somewhere else. Anyway, we have been a couple for a year and 2 months, sharing every single moment together and it was actually a great relationship, we really got along perfectly, in bed, I mean EVERYTHING. We talked about what happened during our holidays, and tried to fix things but he didn't give time to it, because on april 5th he came, gave me his key and took all his things. He said he needed time because he was not feeling comfortable. A week passed and since I had no news from him, I wrote him a letter and sent it. Two days later, I called him because he never answered my email or even said if he had received it. He said he saw I had sent him sth, but that he didn't read the letter. The conversation was ugly, and painful for both, I could tell he was sad. From then on, I decided to follow the NC rule, it lasted 10 days because on Friday he called me at home, but I was out having dinner with a friend. He sent me a message saying he couldn't find home and that he wanted to thank me for the letter and hoped I'd be alright. I doubted whether to answer him or not. The next day, I called him but he didn't answer the phone, so I sent him a message telling him that I was replying his call and he responded "OK. I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I hope you're ok. Kisses". This was 2 days ago. So, my conclusion is that the NC rule worked because he noticed I was not calling him. I want to get him back, and I don't know what to do, because I really don't know if a new NC rule is going to work now, because he already appeared using my letter as an excuse. And I bet he got really mad when he called and didn't find me home. He is really jealous guy and he probably thought I was out with some man. Anyway, the point is: what should I do now? On the other side, my grandfather is having surgery on Wednesday, my mother is really sad and I feel so lonely right now without him. I dont know if it's correct for me to tell him that I need him, not as a bf or a friend, but as someone who was my all for more than a year and I need his support, but I'm afraid it may backfire on me and make me feel even worse. Please, help!!!!!!! Best!
wingman2 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I understand the feeling because I'm sort of in that same situation. My ex left me almost 2 months ago. Then she contacted me over a week ago and told me she missed me incredibly, then we talked last friday and now I haven't heard from her again since =( It seems like sometimes they play mind games with us. I suggest to remain in NC for the time being, he obviously might be playing games with you to try and atttract your attention but definitely don't go to him when things are bad in other areas of your life. One of the big reasons my ex left me was because I always went to her when things were hard and she thought I was too dependent on her but I was really just going through a lot =( so I wouldn't do that. It'll show him a sense of needyness and desperation, feeling that you can't handle being without him, even if that's not the reason why you want him to comfort you, he'll look at it that way. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, I hope all goes well for him and stay strong. You'll find other methods to take your mind off hurtful things and bring a tad bit more happiness into your life. Try talking to a close friend of yours you know you can rely on, just don't go to your ex for comfort. Just my opinion, I wouldn't do it.
Ronni_W Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 lullaby, I hope your grandfather's surgery, and recovery, goes well. I trust you've been assuring your mom that things will be okay, and supporting her in more-or-less the same way that you would like to be supported yourself. No, it is not wise to go to an ex for emotional support (or anything else) -- that's not his job, anymore. Lean on your friends and other family members. You're telling yourself that you "need" him, but sometimes that's just an excuse to contact them and use our feelings (of sadness, loneliness, concern for grandfather, etc.) to try to manipulate them into doing what we want. NC is also not intended to do that; NC is to give you the time, space and emotional distance to start letting go, so that you can heal and move forward. He said he saw I had sent him sth, but that he didn't read the letter. ... he wanted to thank me for the letter and hoped I'd be alright. ... he responded "OK. I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I hope you're ok. Kisses". From that, it doesn't seem that your ex is interested in getting back with you. First off, he took his time even opening your email -- he didn't jump all over himself just cos you'd contacted him. Then, his response is just a very polite, "thank you." If he wanted to test the waters for a reconciliation, more than likely he would have found something in your letter to start a meaningful conversation in that direction. The wisest thing you can do for yourself right now is to go strict, permanent NC and use it for your own healing rather than hoping it will somehow bring him back. I know it's difficult now...but keeping false hope will only make it much worse down the road. Hugs.
Recommended Posts