Lizzie60 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Lizzie, So my wife is pretending she still desires me? She is an excellent actress. I am not talking about faking orgasm - I know she could get away with that. But the long loving "I want you" looks. The requests that SHE makes for sex on consecutive days when there is absolutely zero pressure from me. I have told her plenty of times that a 48 hour recharge cycle is ideal for me at this age and so when she gets into back to back to backs I think those are about her. I have told her 2/week is really quite fine - she very often does more than that. And when I say fine - I don't mean that I tolerate it I mean that there is zero tension at that frequency. I get that your experience has been a certain way and that the guys you have flings with by definition have issues at home. Why is it you are certain that NO ONE can make it work long term? Mem.. I must have missed something.. I was under the impression that you didn't have enough sex at home.. I'm confused..
BlackLovely Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I totally agree with Lizzie. There's an old saying about marital sex: "If a wife says no to a husband enough, he will find someone who will finally say yes" I have no respect for wives who don't make love with their husbands, then bitch and moan when he runs off with the secretary. Sex is a natural and healthy part of marriage. Wives who choose to treat lovemaking as a necessary evil will find themselves lonely. If the OP's wife wanted to make sex a priority, she would have looked into possible medical causes or communicated her emotional needs to her husband. I am blessed with a very high sex drive and I also have multiple orgasms. Sex is such a treat to me that I think about jumping my hubby's bones all day. I even make titillating phone calls to his work...the "I don't have any panties on"...variety. Our amazing sex life if one of the reasons we will not be having any kids. Kids ruin things in the bedroom IMO.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I totally agree with Lizzie. There's an old saying about marital sex: "If a wife says no to a husband enough, he will find someone who will finally say yes" I have no respect for wives who don't make love with their husbands, then bitch and moan when he runs off with the secretary. Sex is a natural and healthy part of marriage. Wives who choose to treat lovemaking as a necessary evil will find themselves lonely. If the OP's wife wanted to make sex a priority, she would have looked into possible medical causes or communicated her emotional needs to her husband. I am blessed with a very high sex drive and I also have multiple orgasms. Sex is such a treat to me that I think about jumping my hubby's bones all day. I even make titillating phone calls to his work...the "I don't have any panties on"...variety. Our amazing sex life if one of the reasons we will not be having any kids. Kids ruin things in the bedroom IMO. And then have to make comments about kids ruining your sex life. We get it. You have great sex a, are horny all the time and don't want kids.... Why not start a thread to make sure everyone knows..... Sheesh....
mem11363 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 For much of our marriage - maybe the first 15 years - I simply demanded a high level of frequency. Not nice. If I could go back and change one thing that would be it. This was all predicated on a gigantic sense of sexual entitlement that went something like this: - I wear 100 percent of the financial responsibility/earnings investments etc. for the family even though I don't really want to. - I work my azz off so we can live very nicely and over time money wise - things just kept getting better (I took some risks that worked out well) - I have stayed fit - very fit - I am mostly easy to get along with and in all areas but one I am low maintenance - .....list continues.... In exchange for that I want sex - when I want it. Sure the occasional night off is ok - sort of - but mostly I expected sex 5-6 times a week on average. And - hey - part of this was mutual. When I tried to get her to take over the investing responsibilities about 8 years ago she said "I will literally have sex with you whenever you want - if you keep doing the money management" Anyway about 5 years ago - early 40's my sex drive dropped some and my IQ increased a bit. And then we gradually morphed into this compromise of 2 or so times a week. I don't stress about it since that usually consists of 1 night where she initiates and one night where she seems to genuinely want to, and a few nights where she seems neutral and if I say I want to she says "sure". And there are typically 2-3 nights where she truly seems either tired or simply radiating a "no fondling" signal.... I usually pass on the neutral nights because I am a little paranoid about creating a sexual aversion via pressure. So every month or two I ask her at a random moment if she feels sexually pressured in terms of frequency. She says no with a firmness that seems very genuine to me. I will say this for you folks. You have made me hypervigilant on the topic of aversion..... Mem.. I must have missed something.. I was under the impression that you didn't have enough sex at home.. I'm confused..
giotto Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 (edited) just wait until you ignore her again and she is happy to be ignored... Good luck, mate, you need it... ....The only thing that works for me is to ignore her. Then she complains that I'm not affectionate and I'm not attracted to her. She comes on strong...we have great sex then I turn on the flowers again, the massages, the meals, the breaks away from the kids, extra chores....and nada. I ignore her....rinse repeat..... Edited June 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
xxoo Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Kids ruin things in the bedroom IMO. Sex takes a back seat to baby for the first few months/year, no doubt. But my H, for one, has had a huge MILF fetish since before MILF was coined, and is SO excited to have his very own MILF at home . early 40's my sex drive dropped some and my IQ increased a bit. Ha! Great introspection, mem.
mem11363 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 (edited) Scrybe, G mentioned what happens when you ignore her and she is just happy to be ignored. I think that is an unlikely outcome. Many women are wired to need to "get something" in exchange for sex. That doesn't mean money - but it has to be - "something". So what does such a woman do when she is already getting 100 percent of her husbands output. She refuses sex. Because she ALREADY has everything she wants, so why should she do this special thing that from the age of (very very young) she was told guys would try to obtain from her. When you ignore her and she wants love/attention etc. THAT creates a "something" she wants at which point she connects with you. Of course the day after oxytocin flooding your system you are way nicer, and within a week she is bored with you again and there is no sex until the next cycle. I am going to preface this with: I always always work the positive side of my wifes circuit board before ummm, resorting to the negative side. We all know the positive ways (in theory) of creating female desire. Whether it is watching you fix something broken in the house or have successful conflict with some ill behaved person. But there is a negative (and I don't mean destructive), I simply mean the opposite of doing more - means of creating desire that works just as well. It consists of being less loving, less available, less focused on her and what she wants. And yes - this only works if your wife actually WANTS your love and attention. But if you figure out how much she wants, and slowly drop down below that threshold - this does not mean ignoring her. In fact however "nice" you usually are - be a little nicer, be a little more positive in general, just don't direct that at HER. She can see it - with the kids - with your friends. Give one of the kids a present for a change instead of bringing her chocolates. Spend less time being available to address each and every thought that pops into her head. I think of this as the 10 below strategy. Not 10 below zero, but 10 degrees below whatever her ideal emotional temperature is. If you think of each act of love as temporarily adding some emotional heat to the marriage, she has some ideal level of love and attention she wants from you. Stay at a steady 10 degrees below that and whenever she sees you she starts asking HERSELF what she can do to get more warmth from YOU. This reverses the sexual dynamic. But it doesn't work if you lower the temperature by being not nice, or angry or acting weird. That is just destructive. It works if you behave in a manner that is delightful - you just don't do "enough" of that delightful stuff. Suddenly your hugs just don't last as long as she wants. You are your normal funny clever self, but don't bother to talk to her about mundane/boring stuff and aren't home as much since you are doing one night a week with some new activity. This works very well for me. Requires a light touch though. I never understand this attitude. Is the wife entitled to monogamy then? So....a man marries a woman. Agrees to never have sex with any other person. She is his ONLY sexual option. Husband remains patient and just wants to have sex once or twice or three times a week. What's wrong with feeling entitled to that?.... Edited June 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
pyroguy Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Sex takes a back seat to baby for the first few months/year, no doubt. But my H, for one, has had a huge MILF fetish since before MILF was coined, and is SO excited to have his very own MILF at home . Ha! Great introspection, mem. I'm with your husband. People don't believeme that If I see a sexy young girl, I notice how she looks, but I'm more inclined to think about her mom. I don't know if it's maturity or what.
FitChick Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 It's possible this woman has a hormone imbalance. She could be peri-menopausal and her hormones are out of whack. She needs someone who knows how to test for and prescribe bioidentical hormones to restore that balance and her sex drive. Maybe hubby should also offer to have a vasectomy to get rid of any excuse that she's afraid she might get pregnant. Plan a romantic weekend away without the kids at a luxury hotel or bed and breakfast somewhere. No excuses about kids barging in.
jackson30 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 We've been married almost 30 years and our sex life has had many stages, and has taken a strange turn in the last year. The first year or two it was sex everyday, then careers and such took a higher priority and it was reduced to 3-4 times a week which was acceptable for both of us. The we had kids and it was 15 years of maybe once a week, me asking all the time, her mostly saying no. After the kids got older and started leaving it got a little better but not much. Then we entered a phrase where I finally got tired of being rejected so often and mostly just watched porn and took care of it myself unless I was 90% sure she would say yes. I think we were both happy with this. We had a few discussion about it, and she was hurt when I admitted that's what I was doing. She tried to say, "if you only asked more", but she finally admitted she mostly said no in the past. It was more often after that, I think out of guilt on her part, but only for a short time then it was back to normal. Then about a year ago she was stressed with work and wasn't very affectionate in or out of bed and I finally just gave up. I stopped hugging her and kissing her every time one of us came home or left. I stop iniating sex, ever. We dropped to once, maybe twice a month, and then only when she started it, mostly in the middle of the night when couldn't sleep and was bored. She didn't even notice. I just stopped caring about sex at all. That was last summer and she just noticed a couple weeks ago. I think I turned her down a couple times in a row and she asked "is something wrong". I almost told her but mostly I just don't care anymore so I didn't feel like dealing with the drama so I just told her I was tired. We could probably fix this if I talked to her about it, but really, it took her almost a year to notice so it doesn't seem to me like she really cares either so I guess I'll just leave it alone.
Author Whateverelse Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Jackson, I've been married less than you, but my life has run a similar course. I have this recurring fantasy that if I stopped initiating sex, we would then stop having sex at all since my wife never initiates, and after about 2-3 years of this we would sitting in the den watching TV after dinner and she looks up from the newspaper she is reading and says something like: "You know, it doesnt seem like we are having sex quite as often as we used to anymore; is everything okay? The 2-3 years may be a stretch, but i'm pretty sure it would play out like that in our house.
Lovelybird Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I am wondering if the direct honesty will work out for you? Have you ever tried that? such as tell her your vulnerability in the sex area, how hurt you would feel if she rejects you, and how you need the sex to feel connected......some men just don't want to appear vulnerable?
Recommended Posts