Wife happiest when we don't have sex

[Whateverelse]

Like a lot of other posters here, I'm a middle aged man in a busy life with kids with a low libido wife in a low sex marriage. I've recently noticed that my wife seems happier when we dont have sex on weekend mornings (which is about the only window of time for romance in our busy lives). She appears more talkative and open and even flirty, if you can believe that, among other differences in her mood. She denies any difference at all. But its almost as if she views my not initiating sex as a show of my love for her because I am voluntarily choosing not to do something that I want to do (sex) out of respect for her.

 

Has anyone else noticed anything like that? For the women readers of this forum (at least those who would rather not have sex with their husbands), are you happier and relieved when you get past a weekend without having had to deal with the sex issue?

[Lizzie60]

you happier and relieved when you get past a weekend without having had to deal with the sex issue?

 

With my first ex... YES... I was a lot happier when he didn't want sex... so yes, definitely!

Edited June 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Whateverelse]

liz, why did you feel that way? were you in love with your husband? had sex become that unpleasant?

[GaLwAyGiRL]

This happened to me when I was on anti-depressants. I had no idea that my sex-drive was depleating...you need to have a talk with your wife if you haven't already.

[xxoo]

I've only experienced low libido in the months after giving birth, and, yes, sex was unpleasant at that time. Getting a break from that "chore" (felt like one more chore to do...one more person to take care of) did make me feel appreciative and affectionate.

 

When my libido returned, sex became fun again! Same guy, same love, same attraction....the difference was hormones and exhaustion.

 

Has she been examined by a dr? On any meds? Getting enough sleep? Overwhelmed?

 

Is morning generally a good time for her? That's generally a good time for men (morning wood ), but not always a peak time for women's interest in sex.

[mitchell]

Your wife views sex as a chore. When you do not initiate sex, you have relieved her of a chore. This makes her happy.

 

I've been in this boat with my own wife. We recently read an excellent book, "The sex-starved marriage". I highly recommend it. My wife has identified with the low libido spouse described in the book. More importantly, she also understands the viewpoint of the high-libido spouse. This book has been an eye opener for both of us and has rekindled or love life.

[You Go Girl]

Lack of intimate conversation. An H that doesn't share his inner feelings. An H that is after sex, not connection. An H that wants sex, with minimal to zero show of appreciation for having the W in his life, and minimal effort, as if the W is duty-bound. Zero romance too--it's all about are you wanting to get, or to share?

Get closer to your wife. Much much closer emotionally, THEN regular touching, as in hugs, shoulder massages, cuddling. The sex will come naturally if the emotional bond is where it needs to be.

Think of how pleasing a man that isn't married will be to someone he is chasing after. He will do whatever it takes---marriage doesn't end that, but it changes it, in that in marriage you have to take the emotional bond further, much further, because there is obviously no 'newness' to crave.

Married partners either grow, side by side, or they drift apart. You're drifting apart...

and yes, many women aren't at their sexual peak in the morning, I know I'm an afternoon type.

I know both parties are at fault, just pointing out your half of fixing things.

[scatterd]

I think woman with hormone problems and using depression pills is what does it.I would not let it bother you to bad talk to her about it.I am sure it has nothing to do with how much she loves you.Sometimes both partner have periods of not feeling at their best.The less I got it the less Horney I would get then when I got it I wanted it more its hard when both are so busy.But I'm sure it has nothing to do with you I'm sure she will tell you its not you sometimes a person dont always know why when it happens.But really dont take it to heart.I hope your talk goes well dont worry be happy.she you.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Lack of intimate conversation. An H that doesn't share his inner feelings. An H that is after sex, not connection. An H that wants sex, with minimal to zero show of appreciation for having the W in his life, and minimal effort, as if the W is duty-bound. Zero romance too--it's all about are you wanting to get, or to share?

 

I agree, without these things sex becomes a chore. When emotional closeness is being withheld from me, sexual intimacy is difficult. I can disconnect enough to get the job done, but I don't care to experience any enjoyment from it.

 

The trick is hitting on the exact thing that maybe lacking for her. She might not even be able to put it into words. Sometimes missing some seemingly small part of what she needs from you can become a very big issue if it has been ignored for a very long time.

 

Have you two read the 5 love languages? There is a site that you might check out, it even has the quiz. It seems very simple to understand but the book really delves into the different aspects of each type which is VERY helpful. You can find the quiz and information @ 5lovelanguages(dot)com.

[You Go Girl]

There's something else too. Women, as well as men, like the challenge of going after a new relationship. We're wired for that challenge just as much as men are!

Marriage simply isn't one.

Anything wives or husbands can do to imitate that challenge--is a huge boost to a sex life.

[Luv2dance]

If you know that she isn't "into" sex as much as you would like then I would work on finding out the why to that first. It is a process with women, and does need to start before the bedroom. I know the men on this site get tired of hearing that, but if you know your woman is wired this way then why not TRY to do something to help the situation and in turn GET more sex.

 

Just had a "sex" therapy session and she recommended the book 10 minute sexual solution by Darcy Luadzers.

[Whateverelse]

Thanks for the replys. Some more info:

 

-wife not on meds, other than birth control, which i understand from other posters can decrease libido;

 

-we get along great, function well as a team, rarely argue and have a good time with each other; she just seems to be happy with close platonic friendship;

 

-if we didn't have sex on weekend mornings, we would never have sex, period; its just that simple. wife falls asleep on couch 7 nites a week and gets annoyed if i try and initiate when she is sleepy. weekday mornings are also out of question for same reason, sleep being more important. Weekend mornings are even hit or miss b/c she can't do it if there is a possiblity kids could be getting up;

 

-tried being more romantic, back rubs, etc.; doesnt matter, come bedtime wife is sleepy and advises me not to worry b/c "there were be plenty of other opportunities";

[RobM]

The only way she's gonna be happy is if you want sex less than she does, stop trying to have sex with her and take care of yourself.

[Lizzie60]

she's just sexually lazy.. and selfish.

 

no matter what you do for her.. she won't like sex any better... she might do it just to make you happy.. (throw-a-bone-at-the-dog type of sex)..

 

It will NOT changed.. live with it.. or get ready to leave.. simple as that.

[Lizzie60]

Tell her you'll have sex with someone else.. and see if it changes..

[JohnP82]

Your wife doesn't want to take care of your needs, so it's time to find someone who wants to.

[xxoo]

Thanks for the replys. Some more info:

 

-wife not on meds, other than birth control, which i understand from other posters can decrease libido;

 

That could be the entire issue, right there....

Condoms have low/no side effects

 

-if we didn't have sex on weekend mornings, we would never have sex, period; its just that simple. wife falls asleep on couch 7 nites a week and gets annoyed if i try and initiate when she is sleepy. weekday mornings are also out of question for same reason, sleep being more important. Weekend mornings are even hit or miss b/c she can't do it if there is a possiblity kids could be getting up;

 

-tried being more romantic, back rubs, etc.; doesnt matter, come bedtime wife is sleepy and advises me not to worry b/c "there were be plenty of other opportunities";

 

Why does she fall asleep on the couch every night? Is there a scheduling issue? Could you schedule some downtime/nap time for her on a weekend afternoon, in exchange for a late night together? Coffee??!!

 

As a mother, there is simply no way I can enjoy sex if I am anticipating a knock on the door (or worse, a child walking in without knocking!). Creating a protected time and space for sex is an absolute must.

 

Do you have any relatives that live locally to provide and afternoon "date" for you on the weekend? (go home, have sex, and then go pick up the kids). Or any friends that would "swap" childcare on the weekends? (host their kids one Sat afternoon, and they return the favor the next).

 

Parents have to be creative!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thanks for the replys. Some more info:

 

-wife not on meds, other than birth control, which i understand from other posters can decrease libido;

 

-we get along great, function well as a team, rarely argue and have a good time with each other; she just seems to be happy with close platonic friendship;

 

-if we didn't have sex on weekend mornings, we would never have sex, period; its just that simple. wife falls asleep on couch 7 nites a week and gets annoyed if i try and initiate when she is sleepy. weekday mornings are also out of question for same reason, sleep being more important. Weekend mornings are even hit or miss b/c she can't do it if there is a possiblity kids could be getting up;

 

-tried being more romantic, back rubs, etc.; doesnt matter, come bedtime wife is sleepy and advises me not to worry b/c "there were be plenty of other opportunities";

 

Again another "perfect" husband and again women jumping on him that it is their fault (not doing his share).... Always the same old crap..... Wives are not perfect either..... However it is always in control of the lower libido spouse......

 

This is getting so old.... Man complains about lack of sex. Woman explains he is partially (mostly) to blame. Man explains he is a great father and husband. Lizzie60 tells him spouse no longer loves him "that way", though now she calls her sexually lazy (wow Lizzie60 you have become soft in yopur old age:D)..... Mem11363 should chime in soon..... I welcome him to the club (though I no longer claim to be a charter member of)....

 

The cycle continues....

 

btdt (been there done that).....

[Lizzie60]

Again another "perfect" husband and again women jumping on him that it is their fault (not doing his share).... Always the same old crap..... Wives are not perfect either..... However it is always in control of the lower libido spouse......

 

This is getting so old.... Man complains about lack of sex. Woman explains he is partially (mostly) to blame. Man explains he is a great father and husband. Lizzie60 tells him spouse no longer loves him "that way", though now she calls her sexually lazy (wow Lizzie60 you have become soft in yopur old age:D)..... Mem11363 should chime in soon..... I welcome him to the club (though I no longer claim to be a charter member of)....

 

The cycle continues....

 

btdt (been there done that).....

 

and she probably doesn't love him as a lover anymore.. but more as a 'best friend'... this is reality.. whether men want to admit it or not...

 

I don't get it.. why are the women blaming him for being a bad lover.. I know they're good..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and she probably doesn't love him as a lover anymore.. but more as a 'best friend'... this is reality.. whether men want to admit it or not...

 

I don't get it.. why are the women blaming him for being a bad lover.. I know they're good..

 

Bad lover, bad father, not doing his share at home, not enough romance, not creating the mood, smelling, put on weight, indifferent husband...... Pick one, or feel free to add to the list.....

 

Now put the shoe on the other foot, husband doesn't want to have sex with wife and then give me "acceptable" reasons for that???? What happens???? Men and women jump on the man blaming him for being an insensitive ahole, regardless of any reason he may have (all weak imo).....

[xxoo]

Now put the shoe on the other foot, husband doesn't want to have sex with wife and then give me "acceptable" reasons for that???? What happens????

 

My guy is too tired for sex at night unless he has a nap.

 

There is no way I'm having sex in the am with kids threatening to burst in...or waking up early for sex (I am not a morning person).

 

Solution? I make sure the kids leave him alone for his nap every afternoon!

 

Suggesting problems/solutions isn't necessarily blame. Heck, I LOVE sex, but would be unenthusiastic if my only option was in the morning, one ear open for kids, and on the pill (which kills my libido). There are genuine issues here to explore.

[whichwayisup]

Take your wife out more, get babysitters and ask the grandparents to take the kids for a sleepover. You two NEED to be intimate and have alone time as husband and wife. It's not fair she always gets her way.. And, the sleeping on the couch, not cool! That has to stop or atleast be cut down to 2 days instead of 7 days.

 

Talk to her, tell her how it makes you feel, that she isn't into you sexually. BE honest, she needs to hear it.

[mem11363]

This story is very much not random - I think that A causes B.

 

 

So up until 10 days ago - situation normal - very nice. About twice a week - more if I gently apply pressure (which I simply have no desire to do).

 

This is A:

Ten days ago - we had a disagreement in front of our middle child. I thought she was completely out of line and vice versa. So for 7 days - Sunday night thru Saturday morning we were in a polite but determined state of conflict. Part of it was I got the impression she wanted to be left alone a bit and that this argument gave her a convenient excuse not to talk to me for many days in a row.

 

Saturday morning we started a conversation and she hammered me - started by saying we should separate for a while and then explained all the myriad ways that I am not a good partner. I listened and agreed. Sincere agreement - not being a bobblehead - she made a series of valid and painful points. I offered to get an apartment, or move into the guest room.

 

I also mentioned one issue she has that has always been troublesome and gave her some recent examples including the original argument of a week earlier. She seemed to understand. Still she was emotionally hung over from 7 days of not talking so around noon she tells me she just has no desire to have sex - it had been 7 days - so she knew she had to say something before night fell. I said I understood. Over the next couple hours I mentioned she might soon be seeing a certain internet charge on our credit card statement. Porn isn't nearly as good as real sex - but it is a convenient substitute.

 

Then I jokingly mentioned something about getting a "second wife" to relieve her of the giant burden of sexually satisfying me. She asked me indignantly if I wanted an 18 year old au pair girl. I responded sharply "absolutely not, she needs to be at least 21 so she can go out drinking with me" - I don't go out drinking - but hey I was on a roll.

 

The idea was to convey in a partially humorous manner that monogamy is a privilege not a right. A privilege that would get revoked very fast if I thought she found sleeping with me unpleasant.

 

Later she walked up to me - I was sitting on a lounge chair reading and she straddled me. When she went back into the bedroom I followed her and played with her for a while. At which time she pointedly told me she did NOT like being groped. And I angrily told her that I disliked being teased even more, and that teasing me on day 7 was unconscionable. I followed up with a very blunt description of our standard sexual pattern. I said

 

"2 days a week you send me all the way to the moon - no one I ever dated even comes close to you in bed. The other 5 days you jokingly say that I must be losing my desire for you and I go out of my way to show you that I physically desire you while simultaneously telling you I love you not enough to be tiresome in terms of frequency AND many of those nights you get a killer/near professional mildly sensual massage. Those 5 nights are ALL about you - even if on occasion I am feeling a painful level of desire I completely suppress it - since this is all about you and I don't want you to feel guilty.

 

Given all that - are you suggesting that I am sexually selfish in any way?"

 

I then got an unconditional apology for her teasing me - said she didn't mean to and that straddling me was a very dumb thing to do.

 

We proceeded outside to play frisbee. When the frisbee got caught in a tree I suggested a bet. If I knocked it out (with another frisbee) we would connect that night, if she did, our run of abstinence would continue at least another day. It ended up being a tie (I knocked the frisbee out but the knockout frisbess itself got caught in a branch and she knocked IT out) - so I just laughed and said - guess we are still up in the air.

 

She hates Hates HATES to cook. I told her I would cook dinner if she would get naked later, she said "depends on how good it - dinner - is". So I made sure it was great. After dinner she apologized for being a "real bitch" lately and I just hugged her - disagreed - said we are both strong willed and I was sorry for my part in the argument.

 

And this is B:

I was then the recipient of 3 moon shots in a row (Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night) and got an offer of a 4th this morning - just didn't have time.

 

My opinion is that real conflict improves communication, increases self awareness, and creates real relationship fear (in both people), real excitement and ultimately real passion.

 

 

 

and she probably doesn't love him as a lover anymore.. but more as a 'best friend'... this is reality.. whether men want to admit it or not...

 

I don't get it.. why are the women blaming him for being a bad lover.. I know they're good..

[txsilkysmoothe]

Not having sex is just .........SAD!

 

I don't know how young your kids are but at a pre-teen age they can get up on their own, shower, dress, eat breakfast without parental involvement.

 

A parent's bedroom should have a lock on the door and be sound proof.

 

Sex should never be a bargaining chip. I'm ashamed of women who do that. The truth is if people want to have sex they will make it a priority and find a way.

[RobM]

The truth is if people want to have sex they will make it a priority and find a way.

 

bingo!!!!! This is the truth, all the excuses are just that, excuses.