She cheated on me and we have a child

[Butchannon]

Hello,

 

here is my story... I found out about 4 months ago that my girlfriend cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I found her chat history on MSN where it was described what she had been doing with boys. She also took her naked pictures and sent them to other boys and she had webcam sex also. We have been together for about 2 years now and we had a beautiful daughter 7 months old. She has sexual intercourses with a couple of guys for at least 6 months in the beginning of our relationship. I think that this time was even longer. Yes, it is true that we were not seeing each other often but I think that there is no excuse for affairs.

 

So, after 6 months of dating we move in into appartment which I have rented. I have to drive 5 hours a day to work in both directions because I rented appartment in the city in which she studied. She said that after that time when we moved in she had no more affairs. Then she got pregnant and when the baby was born in September 2009 I took parenting holiday to help her so she could study.

 

All this time went well till December 2009 when I found out all that stuff. We were at her parents' place that time. I lost my mind, I didn't even knew if the child is mine so I told her to take her things out of our appartment. She took her things and went to her parents then things began to complicate. I came next day when I calmed down to her parents place to solve the problem. But her father said that I have only 10 minutes left to see my child and then I had to go out of their house. He didn't want to listen to me of about his daughter has done to me. The very next day they filled the form for aliments and custody issues. They didn't wanna talk to me at all.

 

So then I made a paternity test and tnx god the daughter is mine but I can see her for only couple of hours one day a week. When I come to see her every week to their place, nobody wants to talk to me, they ignore me. I tried to apologize but it didn't work, they didn't wan't to reconcile. They said to me that I didn't have to react in effect and that I should talk to her. But she didn't want to confess her affairs in the beginning even she knew that I had a proof. She confessed a day later.

 

So, when I am at their place, nobody talks to me except GF and her father who come to me to say hello. Her mother doesn't talk to me at all. My GF wants to reconcile but she is afraid of her parents so she told me to give their parents some time to calm down. We hear each other every day by phone and we are in some sort of relationship each week. But she has started to look for another guys on net again. She said that this is just for fun... But it hurts after all she and her parents have done to me. I can't go back to my work cause my holiday should last till August. So I lost my income... I want to reconcile with all, I have waited for them for 4 months already now, don't know what to do... I think I could forgive her affairs cause I love her and we could start over so our daughter will have both parents... Don't know why they treat me like a junk.. I come to their place every week to see my daughter and I bring her things that she needs... Don't know what to do, now I have feeling that this is all my fault... Don't know why they don't wanna talk to me and solve a problem?

Edited April 27, 2010 by Butchannon

[GaLwAyGiRL]

Your post makes me sad.

 

What are your options? If you haven't done anything wrong you can fight back...don't worry about her parents, they won't ever accept what their daughter is TRUST ME. I've seen this before. and please don't get back with her...she will just do this all again? she is online looking for fun...where is your daughter? you don't need that.

[Butchannon]

My daughter and my GF are at GF's parents place. She has also used her webcam on MSN after than we've got separated...

 

The thing that their parents think is my fault is the fact that we didn't talk about the problem because I was so angry and tell her to leave. They said I shouldn't react like that and they think that what she did to me doesn't matter because it was on the beginning of our relationship. Her friends also told me that she would leave every evening with a different guy which she found on the web. I think that maybe she has sexual addiction and I would like to help her... So she maybe will be better mother to our child... And we also might reconcile after that... I don't know why her parents don't appreciate me to give their daughter second chance. At least we have a child together but it was a tough decision anyway...

Edited April 27, 2010 by Butchannon

[GaLwAyGiRL]

If you are right..and she is a SA then you are making a huge commitment in helping her. I am the wife of a recovering SA and believe me when I say that it is the hardest thing I've ever had to face...the first step is her admitting she has a problem and you FOR SURE need to expose everything to her parents...how dare she let her parents believe you are the bad guy. You have a very long road ahead of you...don't think you have to stay with someone just because you have kids. good luck.

[Butchannon]

I don't know why her parents appreciate the fact that I give her another chance. They tell her not to go to MC with me because she must show some dignity and don't beg me for another chance.

 

Her parents don't listen to me when I begin to talk about affairs and tell me to discuss about this with her because this is not their business. How can I convince them that telling her to leave was a normal reaction to things she did to me. How can I explain to them what she did to me? I have saved her chat history and she is very afraid when I tell her that I am gonna show this to her parents.. She told me to have some respect to them. I think that they won't believe anyway because they run away from truth cause it hurts I think..

 

She said that she thought her parents need some time to forgive me telling her to leave and that they are people with high egos. Then we could reconcile.. But I don't know how much time they need and if the things will ever get better.

Edited April 27, 2010 by Butchannon

[Butchannon]

I don't know why her parents appreciate the fact that I give her another chance.

 

I meant DON'T APPRECIATE

[Cinnamon2000]

I don't know why her parents appreciate the fact that I give her another chance. They tell her not to go to MC with me because she must show some dignity and don't beg me for another chance.

 

Her parents don't listen to me when I begin to talk about affairs and tell me to discuss about this with her because this is not their business. How can I convince them that telling her to leave was a normal reaction to things she did to me. How can I explain to them what she did to me? I have saved her chat history and she is very afraid when I tell her that I am gonna show this to her parents.. She told me to have some respect to them. I think that they won't believe anyway because they run away from truth cause it hurts I think..

 

She said that she thought her parents need some time to forgive me telling her to leave and that they are people with high egos. Then we could reconcile.. But I don't know how much time they need and if the things will ever get better.

 

You got a cheating wife and you concentrate so much energy on what the in-laws think of you?

[Butchannon]

What about if she is a histrionic personality? I think that she has got all the signs of it.

[Butchannon]

Don't know what to do... I am drowning in a depression I miss my daughter and girlfriend but her parents ignore me and don't want to reconcile... I see all things senseless... It won't get any better I think

[bananalaffytaffy]

What about if she is a histrionic personality? I think that she has got all the signs of it.

To me she simply has all the signs of a serial cheater. She will not change her ways until she wants to. You can not change her or her parents.

 

Who is paying to support this child?

Edited April 28, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[Butchannon]

I pay to support our child.

[Butchannon]

You got a cheating wife and you concentrate so much energy on what the in-laws think of you?

 

She is influenced by them and their opinion. They don't wanna know what she did to me, they only know what I did to her and they didn't want us to reconcile obviously. They used to treat me like their son, we were a lot of time together, I have to come every weekend to their place to show them how I love their daughter. But now they say that with telling her to move out I have very disappointed them. Their daughter shouldn't have come to my place cause in their opinion man must come to woman not woman to man. They didn't appreciate when we moved in to our appartment, they wanted us to live in their place. And they have resentment towards me after that.

Edited April 29, 2010 by Butchannon

[Butchannon]

Don't know what to do... Explain a situation to their parents? But they don't wanna listen to me... But I have to talk to them because she is at their place and upon them depends if I could be more time with girlfriend and daughter.

[GaLwAyGiRL]

Get a lawyer and get some counseling...figure out why you think so little of yourself to let people do this to you and get away with it. Good luck and I hope your cheating W gets to feel the same pain you've felt..

[Butchannon]

Get a lawyer and get some counseling...figure out why you think so little of yourself to let people do this to you and get away with it. Good luck and I hope your cheating W gets to feel the same pain you've felt..

 

I just want for our family to stay together. That our daughter will live with mum and dad... I don't wanna go to court and argue for custody... I wanna reconcile with her not only for kid's sake...

[Butchannon]

I think I shouldn't have told her to leave I had to talk to her about her affairs and try to resolve issues... But I was just too upset I made such a big mistake

[Owl]

You want your family to stay together...I can understand that.

 

But do you want to keep an urepentent, still web-caming wife as part of that package?

 

Because that's what she is right now, and it's what she's going to stay until something causes her to change. Given that you have no access to her really, and her parents aren't going to do anything to cause that change, I don't see it happening anytime in the near future.

 

I get missing what you HAD...don't take me wrong.

 

But I think that what you had wasn't ever actually what you PERCEIVED it to be. So really, you miss what you thought you had...but never actually did.

 

I really do believe that you and your children would be better served by removing her from your lives.

[Butchannon]

I have done some mistakes too in relationship... And her parents talk about them over and over again with my mother but they don't wanna talk about them with me. I feel so guilty for all of them. And I don't know what they want to achieve with this silent treatment which has lasted for 4 months now?

[Butchannon]

I think I made a big mistake telling her to leave... Her cheating was in the beginning of relationship when we have had a long-distance relationship and she says now that she didn't know if it will last. I should live in present and consider that we have a child together... It's not good for him that his dad behaves in such manner... I feel so sorry and depressed... I have lost my GF and my child because of that

[Joe Normal]

Print out the chat logs and emails, then show them to her family/friends. That way she can't evade the responsibility.

[Butchannon]

Print out the chat logs and emails, then show them to her family/friends. That way she can't evade the responsibility.

 

Her family doesn't care about it and they don't wanna see those logs and emails. They don't wanna hear a word from me. They know she cheated but they told me that I shouldn't have react like that and that I should have talked to her.

[MadMission]

I think I shouldn't have told her to leave I had to talk to her about her affairs and try to resolve issues... But I was just too upset I made such a big mistake

 

 

As I see it, these are the mistakes you have made:

 

1.) You allowed a woman you barely knew to move in with you. You only knew her for 6 months via a long distance relationship...then she moves in with you?? You didn't know her at all. She could have been a deranged axe murderer who chopped you up in little pieces in the middle of the night. You did NOT KNOW this woman.

 

2.) You uprooted yourself and changed your entire life for a woman you barely knew.

 

3.) You got her pregnant and now have a 7 month old. That means she got pregnant shortly after moving in with you. You had a baby with a woman you only knew for 6 months via a LDR!? (Of course, your baby is precious and I am not implying that it would be better had she not been born. I am just siting the mistakes you have made.)

 

Sadly, you are likely a good man with a good heart and who has had good intentions all along. But, you definitely made some mistakes here.

 

But, I do not think your reaction to learing of her cheating during a large chunk of your relationship...was a mistake.

 

YOU made MAJOR life choices based on WHO you THOUGHT she was.

IF you had KNOWN that she was f'ing around on you behind your back the whole time you were in the LDR with her, you would NEVER EVER have stayed with her...and you certainly would not have had her move in with you! You would have been DONE with her long ago.

And, of course, you certainly would not have moved 2hrs from your job enduring a brutal commute everyday....and you would not have had a baby with her!

 

You have NO 'good' history with her where you can look back and say you had many good, faithful years together BEFORE she went off track..lost her way...had an A. You've got nothing of substance with this woman...never have... because she has decieved and manipulated and used you from day 1 of your relationship. She is a fake. A fraud. And, she STILL is.... with her ongoing relationships with other men. You have nothing of substance or of real meaning with this woman...except the beautiful baby.

 

I think you would be making a mistake to re-invest in your "gf."

I would feel differently if you had some history of substance together...if she had respected you, cared for you, cherished you, protected you, etc...for at least some part of your 2 yr relationship. But, she has not.

You need to step back and take an honest look at WHO she has really been throughout the entire relationship.

 

Is this a woman you WANT to have a relationship with? If so, WHY? Do you want a woman who has no boundaries and gives herself away to be used by other guys? A woman who has no respect for you...does not care about you...does not value you...to whom you are not special, nor do you have anything special with? Do you want someone who is dishonest...lies...is sneaky, manipulative...and who does not have the same values as you? Someone you cannot trust? Someone who is shallow, selfish, and immature? Gosh, I could go on and on. But, THIS is what you would be getting with her. You KNOW this about her now. Do not ignore these things which are intolerable and unacceptable to you.

Do not pretend any of this is OK...when it is not. Be true to yourself and what you believe a relationship should be....faithfulness, honesty, genuineness, care, respect, etc....and DO NOT settle for anything less.

Because, you will NOT be happy.

 

As others have suggested, you need to contact a lawyer and determine the BEST outcome in terms of ample time with your baby....and focus on

that...make that happen.

 

The good news is that your baby will have NO recollection of all the ugliness between her mom and dad and grandparents. She will grow up with having a mom and dad who do not live together...and this will be a comfortable way of life....be 'normal' for her...routine...just the way it's always been.

She will not have been subjected to the shock and trauma, pain and loss other older kids suffer who learn one parent is/was unfaithful. It is AWEFUL for older kids.

Your baby will be spared of all that.

 

Think VERY CAREFULLY about what you REALLY want for yourself...for your life. I bet it will be a life free of the kind of bs associated with your "gf."

 

Someday, you may look back and realize that kicking her out was the SMARTEST thing you ever did.

 

Try not to make emotional decisions....but look at the truth and reality about your "gf" and the relationship you had with her.

[Butchannon]

Now I don't have any money cause I can't get a new job. It takes me up to 50 € (cca 50 $) to get to my daughter because I must pay a train ticket and also taxi because nobody wanna come to pick me at station (taxi costs me around 25 $ in both directions to and from their home). I don't know what to do... Obviously it means I won't be able to see my daughter till I find myself a job and I don't know how to pay aliments... My GF just showed her new fancy cellphone... I bring stuff to my daughter every week (food, diapers, clothes...) but now I can't buy it anymore. I am so sad, I want to take a care of my daughter...

 

We also talked about STDs... She don't wanna go take tests because she is afraid to have some diseases... And she doesn't care if I have it too... I have already found out that I have HPV disease... I found out and I couldn't donate blood anymore... Now I will go on HIV, hepatitis B and other diseases tests...