GaLwAyGiRL Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 whole story just seems odd to be,how could anyone man or woman sit around knowing spouse is about to cheat on him/her and do nothing about it. You have all this information,and yet you still have not confronted him,or done nothing about it. Maybe I am crossing the line here and assuming,but are you the OW pretending to be the BS? OH SNAP! didn't even think about that...
John Who Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 OH SNAP! didn't even think about that... Think about it she had proof via emails that they were going to finally have sex,not to mention proof of an A,and she does nothing at all,she could have confronted her H before he even had sex with OW but she did not. This just does not make since to me.
Author edith Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 You guys must have missed my other thread. Someone else thought the same thing - here's what I told them: "No, I'm not the OW, but I can see how you would think that. I work in IT, and getting access to my husband's work email is not a problem. I check it after he goes to bed and he has no clue. I do have all the conversations and I know it's crazy for me to worry about his feelings, but I do. I still do. Somehow it would hurt less if he didn't love her. Even though I'm still leaving. And someone asked if I've met with the attorney - no, not yet, that's what I'm waiting for. As I've mentioned, there's a lot of property to be discussed and I want to make sure I get the best end of the deal. I'm a very quiet person, but I usually win in the end... Thank you all for your support and for being so honest." I'm not the other woman - I'm just someone with a lot to lose, a husband who's cheating, two small children, and who can be icy cold when needed. That's why I haven't left. There's a lot to be settled before he finds out that I know.
GaLwAyGiRL Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 and the "you...what am I going to do with you?" comment. That is more of a face to face comment I can't really see someone writing that in an email. There is also no pain in her posts..its more of just questions...hmmmmmm:confused:
John Who Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Sorry but I just find it hard to believe that any person,would sit there and know their spouse is planning on having sex with OP,and do nothing,she could have confronted him then,and possibly prevented him having sex with her. I understand you have alot to lose kids,home etc. At first I had no doubt,but when you would ask over and over if he had feelings it kind of seemed like you were trying to prove that he did have feelings and it was not just sexual desire,that just seems odd,but maybe it's just me. If this all true and you are who you say you are my advice to you,confront your H he is the only one who can answer all these questions you have,you know he is having an A it's time to confront him,save your M or leave him.
Author edith Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Lunch time... I talked to him on the phone and he's not in the office. I was able to log on and they are emailing again. She's the one who started it. SHE is definitely involved. I don't know about him. But he does seem to explain himself to her a lot, like he's trying to spare her feelings. As I've said, he has stopped writing her in the past and she seems to be terrified that he'll do the same now that they've had sex. And she doesn't seem like she's ever going to let go of him. At least that's the sense I get: HER: "I know that you’re pulling back for a reason. But I will always wait for you. Whenever you want me, I’ll be right here – without hesitation. Always." HIM: "Trust me, I’m not pulling back. We have a board meeting today and I needed to get a million things done for Dave and Tom. I also have a 4:00 meeting with Dave and Tom today to review some other stuff. Sorry about that. I really can’t wait to see you again." HER: "I do trust you. And I’m still waiting for you. I just got apprehensive because I haven’t heard from you since Monday, and we have a history with this kind of behavior… But, NO nagging. I promise. : ) (I’m you, now! )" I don't know if there's been a nagging issue, or if she's just taking a shot at me, but this is breaking my heart one more time. I KNOW I need to stop reading these emails. But they help keep me grounded, like an expectator until it's time to do something. And to answer the question, I haven't been able to let him touch me since I found out about this. In fact, it's only happened twice in the past 5 months, and it was awful for me. I can't see that part of it changing, even though I know that brings the two of them closer together. So, the news is that she's the one all over him. And if it's true that he's as emotionally involved as everyone thinks. it is very likely that he might leave me for her. Thank you all SO much.
califnan Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 When J. mentioned that maybe she is being "clingy" .. That was a good thought, and could be part of the reason for him distancing. Men can consider it sex - while women think of it as making love. And maybe he does suspect that you know something.. She may scare him off eventually - who knows. But I will have to admit Edith if there is no intimacy in your marriage at this time - you could be handing him to her. You may be looking for him to either stay - or go.. but it may be easier for him to make the decision with the sex issue, especially if he avoids the responsibility factor in a marriage.. Time will tell, at this point.
Lizzie60 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 (edited) You KNOW he's in love with this OW.. and yet you constantly sneak around to read everything that is going on between them...what is this? why are you doing this to yourself? realllllllllllllly.. kick him to the curb NOW... and stop being the 'victim'... Edited April 30, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Owl Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I don't often agree with Lizzie...so when I do, that should speak volumes by itself. Edith is spending far too much time trying to focus on what he's "feeling"...and doing nothing to change the situation. Either do something to change the situation...or acknowledge that choosing to do nothing is a choice in itself.
CarrieT Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 And someone asked if I've met with the attorney - no, not yet, that's what I'm waiting for. I am completely agreeing with Lizzie and Owl and ask this question: Why have you not seen an attorney yet? What ARE you waiting for? You keep saying it is because you want to make sure you get the best deal but you won't even know what the deal is UNTIL YOU SEE AN ATTORNEY!
califnan Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Hang in there Edith.. You every right to follow up and do whatever you wish, afterall he is Your Husband. If the Wife doesn't have rights, who does .. And as you have said before - you love him, you love your children - and there is also a lot at stake with the business and property division. Although he is having sex with her, it is not for sure that he is in "love" with her.. Still, intimacy is intimacy, Edith ..
Author edith Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 "you KNOW he's in love with this OW.. and yet you constantly sneak around to read everything that is going on between them..." No, I don't know that he's in love with her. He hasn't told me that. His behavior is hot and cold. She looks for him, he replies. And that's it. He hasn't looked for sex from me, but I know he's not going to her either (except for last week). I don't see anything else in his behavior, other than the apologies, that would indicate deep feelings like that. Even when they were together for 1.5 years, it was all sex talk and talks about the kids, from the emails I've read (true, I wasn't there for their phone calls, but I read comments about them having enjoyed all the "dirty talk"). So basically he has wanted her for sex. And he's still with me and the kids. I don't see anything in his behavior that shows actual love. It may not be JUST about sex, but he might be going back to her because she's easy (as her last emails show). As for intimacy, I understand the implications. But I can barely bring myself to look at him knowing he was just telling her how much he couldn't wait to see her, let alone have sex with him. I just can't. It's been taking me a while to close myself off, but it has been happening. Am I in DEEP denial?? Why can't I see what everybody else is saying, that he's in love?? Shouldn't he be all over her if he was?? She seems to be the one doing the chasing since they had sex. Even though he still seems to care about sparing her feelings. The fact of the matter is that I am leaving - my appt. with the attorney will happen next Wednesday, thank God. Then I can really come up with a plan. But my heart is having a hard time accepting that he loves her. I just don't see it. But thank you all for your input, thank you so much.
califnan Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I don't agree with some of the other posters that he is in love with her. And you have every right to check on your husband .. because you are his Wife. Knowing what you know, I can well understand why you would not wish to have intimacy with him, as that is supposed to come with a repentant heart - on his part. I don't know that the attorney is going to want to proceed unless you are certain. I mentioned it before Edith: have you thought of asking him to do marriage counseling with you .
califnan Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I don't agree with some of the other posters that he is in love with her. And you have every right to check on your husband .. because you are his Wife. Knowing what you know, I can well understand why you would not wish to have intimacy with him, as that is supposed to come with a repentant heart - on his part. I don't know that the attorney is going to want to proceed unless you are certain. I mentioned it before Edith: have you thought of asking him to do marriage counseling with you . ---------------- Yes, I forgot to add - as J has indicated: If this does not go untreated, it could lead to a sort of "love".
stillafool Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 (edited) So, the news is that she's the one all over him. And if it's true that he's as emotionally involved as everyone thinks. it is very likely that he might leave me for her. Thank you all SO much. Edith, it doesn't matter if your husband is in love with this lady or not, he is a cheating, lying rat. I don't blame you for not wanting him to touch you. If he is having an affair with this woman he will do it again. He probably tries to "cool it" with her because he does have a career, wife and kids to deal with also. I'm sure he is also wondering what her H will do if he found out. He may not be as nice as you are about it and take revenge. I thought you were going to leave him. Are you now worried that he is going to leave you for her? Are you going to take the attorney copies of the emails? Edited April 30, 2010 by stillafool
stillafool Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Oh and BTW, I don't think if he has been involved with this lady for 1.5 years that he is only in it for the sex. He could get sex elsewhere.
stillafool Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Good father? Seriously, he's betraying his children by having sex with another woman outside of their mother. Good father? Stay in the M as Mad Mission does, with awareness if that is your choice, but please don't accept your circumstances that your H is a good father when he's actively having sex with another woman. I think by staying you'll extract some extra time with your H, but you'll pay a high price personally. It's never right to have an affair, 3.5 years is very early in a M and tells me there is a deep, deep character flaw in this guy and ultimately this M will end, by you or him. Maybe you stay, til the children get to be school age and you have a steady job, but damn it, start planning now for that see your lawyer! This is so true. I know a woman who's husband started cheating on her 6 months after they married with many women and settled on one OW by the 3rd year of their marriage. She stayed because he provided her with all the material things she wanted and she also said he was an excellent father. Well the kids started to hate him because of the constant pain their mom was experiencing. He would stop screwing around for a while and then start up again. This was 20 years ago and they are still together. A friend of mine saw them recently and said he still looks great but she has aged immensely. I agree that a good father does not cheat on his family. A good father realizes the consequences and the pain it would cause his children. A good father will sacrifice for his children and will put the needs of his family ahead of his own.
califnan Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 I agree that a good father does not cheat on his family. A good father realizes the consequences and the pain it would cause his children. A good father will sacrifice for his children and will put the needs of his family ahead of his own. ----------------------- Also, a good father doesn't show disrespect for the mother. Futhermore, the "good father" has all the capabilities of "throwing his children under the bus" at another time.. The second marriage (or multiple marriages) many times are followed with a life estate for the bride. Not to mention other prenuptual promises.
OhGeesh Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 That's exactly my problem. I want my kids to grow up with their father, and I do know he's the worst husband, but he's an amazing dad. This is my dilemma. I just had a very hurtful thought... I wrote that, since he's ignoring her, he's likely only using her for sex, right? Well, if he is only using her for sex, he WOULD keep the sex part going... and he hasn't. He's pulling back, I assume because of our family. If he felt nothing for her, and was only after a sex thrill, meeting her would mean nothing to him, right? He'd get it as often as needed and that would be it. No threat. But why would a man turn down an offer for sex from someone he's been "seeing" for 1.5 years? Am I right? Or way off base? Thanks for your opinions - I know they're only opinions and are not coming from the source, but they're so helpful in helping me figure all of this out in my head. Especially now that I'm having second thoughts. Can relate 100% to this!! Our friends down the street are like this.......the wife always confides in my wife about how great "I" am and how luck "she" is etc. Her husband is much the same way crass, loud, openly flirtatioous, sex life is nil, she thinks he cheats but can't prove it, on the flip side.......their house is the "fun" house. Parties, pool, dad is always with the kids swimming, park, movies, very very active with the kids. She is miserable, but the kids love their dad! So, what dod you do?
Recommended Posts