Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I should probably start off by saying I haven't had much luck with dating in the past. I haven't dated many guys who I found really attractive, or who had done something with their lives, or who were nice to me. The guys who were nice to me just weren't the type of guys I wanted to be with, and the type of guys I wanted to be with turned out to be players who treated me like crap. I've been in love a couple of times, but it wasn't reciprocated, the guys in question just wanted sex etc. I've been cheated on - my ex was having a serious relationship with another girl behind my back for months on end. Now I'm dating a guy who is attractive, has a good education and a decent job, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. He really seems to like me, texts and emails every day, and chats to me most evenings. He wants me to stay over at his place and meet his friends, and has suggested stuff we might do together which would be about six months in the future. This all sounds great, right? WRONG. Every time I've really liked a guy he's been a cheating liar, so there's a little voice in my head telling me that this guy is too. Every time I've met an attractive guy with a good job, he's been a player because all girls like an attractive, solvent man, so my brain is telling me that this guy must be a player too. Without any reason whatsoever I'm scouring his Facebook looking for anything that doesn't fit, any hint that he's cheating or lying. I even asked him to swear that he isn't dating anyone else, that he's serious about liking me and not just messing me about. Am I completely crazy? I never used to be this paranoid and distrustful before my exes treated me like crap, but now it seems I automatically expect any desirable guy to be a player. Perhaps because in my personal experience the guys I didn't desire (i.e. those with no education or ambition, who were unemployed, or unattractive) were the ones who wanted to stay with me, and the guys I desired (attractive, smart, employed) were players who used me and dumped me. So I assume that if I find a guy desirable he must be a lying, cheating player. I realise this is all in my head, because my current man hasn't set a foot wrong. I really hate feeling so distrustful like this, it stresses me out and makes it difficult for me to fully engage in the relationship. I feel like I'm holding back from truly loving him because I expect him to hurt me. What should I do? Is it a case of allowing time for him to prove that he is genuine? Or do I need to short-circuit this paranoia in my brain somehow?
Rorschach Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 You need to short circuit the paranoia in your brain and fast. That kind of untrusting behavior is a huge turn off and you may scare him away with your insecurities. People have have been hurt in the past often develop these kind of mental shields, which in the end just prevent people from having a happy relationship, you have to take those shields down.
ADF Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 You sound like the kind of woman that frustrates men to no end. You turn up your nose at men who treat you well, then chase after those who lie to you and cheat on you. And then have the nerve to complain about it! However, it seems like you've finally grown up and broken the cycle. But, given your past experiences, you're a little paranoid. Keep something in mind: in all those bad relationships you had in the past, the common denominator was YOU. YOU chose the rotten guys over the decent ones. While no one deserves to be mistreated, YOU made some poor choices, and YOU must take responsibility for that. Don't make this new guy pay for YOUR mistakes. He deserves better than that. And I bet you do, too.
Author Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I don't purposely turn up my nose at guys who treat me well. If I could find a guy who treated me well but was also desirable to me, then I wouldn't turn my nose up! But the guys who treated me well weren't really my type; they were decent enough people, but they were unemployed, or uneducated, or not very attractive, or had baggage. Maybe that's why they were nice to me; they wanted to hang onto me because they didn't have a whole lot of options. The guys I really desire are those who are smart, attractive, and career minded. Unfortunately that type of guy is attractive to the majority of women, and in my experience they always turned out to be players, simply because they were universally desirable. This new guy seems to be the combination I was looking for: a desirable guy who still treats me well and isn't a player. But my mind keeps telling me he's too good to be true, and this little voice in my head keeps saying he MUST be a player simply because he's so desirable. How do I start taking those mental shields down? How can I trust him when every other guy I really liked has treated me like crap?
Bejita463 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 How do I start taking those mental shields down? How can I trust him when every other guy I really liked has treated me like crap? You could start by remembering that he is not those guys.
Author Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I know he is not those guys, but I still fear that he is, and is just playing a really elaborate game I guess I am just really scared of trusting him and getting hurt again; I really don't think I could handle it...
Bejita463 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I know he is not those guys, but I still fear that he is, and is just playing a really elaborate game Understood, but you are not basing that on him. You are basing it on them.
Author Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Yeah, I know that, and I know it isn't fair to him. I so much want to believe that he is a decent guy, but I've been hurt so badly that I'm scared to trust him. I'm trying to fix my brain, but I don't really know where to start...
stace79 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I would suggest some counseling, if possible. I was recommended a good book called "The Courage to Trust". Maybe it could help... it's sort of a workbook, with writing and thought exercises to do.
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I know your story Eeyore, my own is similar. Part of the heartbreak of the betrayal of infidelity....is that you now question your own judgment . So for me, its not so much that I trust no one...its that I dont fully trust my own judgment of others. So, my hope is that I remember that and dont automatically project. That may not be immediately realistic so I think I will settle for : Not wholly trusting also gives me some sense of personal security in that the proverbial rug will not be pulled from beneath me again. I can say to myself: I dont have to trust 100% , I still have plenty to offer, and I am open to accepting the good, and open to my trust growing naturally. Stop answering to your paranoia. Its not enough for a real committed life time relationship...but its a start.
Author Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Yeah, that's exactly it, 2sure. I really trusted the guys who cheated and lied, I thought they were decent and that they loved me, and my people-picker was obviously way off. Now I don't trust my own judgement - I like this new guy, but what if I'm misjudging him like I did with my exes, and he's actually just another player? I'm scared to trust him in case I'm making a mistake and just being taken for a ride again. I couldn't forgive myself if I got fooled yet again Maybe you're right - I don't have to trust him 100% right away, I just have to be open to the possibility that he might be a good guy, and allow my trust to grow naturally. I was feeling like it's a big deal that I don't trust him right away, like I used to before I got hurt, but maybe it doesn't matter as long as I trust him eventually.
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Here is a thought I had on another thread: Fidelity...I have learned is about a lot more than not having sex with someone else, or even an inappropriate emotional relationship . Fidelity is emotional honesty, openness , and transparency. Without those things....Infidelity/betrayal are just waiting to happen in one form or another. So - if I were to begin another serious relationship... I would not focus or be concerned with whether I or my partner would "cheat" with someone else.... I would focus on my own and his ability & comfort level with being truly emotionally honest, open, and transparent. If you find a relationship with these priorities...theres your guy. Now: But, I'm not even divorced yet. Its all theory. I hate to think I would be walking away from all of this not having gained/learned something to take with me.
In-The-Wheat Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I can already see where this is going.. You'll be happy together and one day he'll do something out of the ordinary/suspicious but it will be completely innocent - Like sneaking away one night to make you a gift or surprise you with something, whatever. You will freak, think he cheated or something terrible & you'll dump him w/out giving him a reason along with completely ignoring his requests to work it out/figure out what went wrong b/c you can't possibly deal with it after being hurt before. This is one little thing that bothered me about my ex... She had been burned twice in a row before me & I did something out of the blue/suspicious but it was for her. She started being distant, and broke up with me days later and has refused to talk to me. Idk if that's what really caused it but who knows. Better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Author Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 If I thought something was going on, I'd definitely confront him and discuss it, I wouldn't just dump him based on my suspicions. Yes, if he did something suspicious I'd be a little concerned, but I'd talk it through.
Woggle Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 My only advice is that you better take care of this before you ruin this relationship. A man who does have options can be faithful and trustworthy but most will not stick around for this type of drama. This kind of things drives men up the wall. To be honest it does sound like an example of a woman who tried to turn players into commited partners and is now bitter against all men because she failed.
Author Eeyore79 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Thanks for your input. I don't think I tried to turn players into committed partners; it was more that I didn't realise they were players, I thought they were committed partners and I got a huge shock when they started messing around. My people-picker is obviously out of whack, which worries me - I've judged this guy to be decent, but what if I'm being fooled again? I'm not bitter against all men, I'm just scared and insecure
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