if i was such a great bf, why am i alone?

[EthanH]

I know this is going to sound stupid, and naive and pointless, but I want to rant.

 

Why is it that my flatmate, who is also my ex's best friend, she and her boyfriend (who i'm also friends with) both mess each other around... they have been on and off, he has cheated on her without her knowing, they are in limbo most of the time, but always seem to get back together... why is it that they are still together and both care about trying. I'm sitting here on my own, and their relationship by their own admissions isn't anywhere near as good as the one my ex and i had. Neither of us cheated on each other. We were far closer to each other than they are. And yet they are still together, continuing, both trying, why the hell didn't my ex try? Everyone I know would have tried in her position. I picked the one to like who just gave up. It wasn't like she wanted to be with anyone else. She just gave up on us. And now I'm alone, having been what most of my girl friends tell me is what they see as the ideal boyfriend...maybe I got her flowers too much, maybe i went out for meals with her too much, maybe I was too thoughtful, but I don't regret any of that, I just hate it when everyone tells me I was amazing, and yet people who make so little effort in comparison, are still happy and together.

 

And I know you will all just reply in a condescending way saying that life isn't fair...

[USMCHokie]

And yet they are still together, continuing, both trying, why the hell didn't my ex try?

 

Uh...because she didn't want to be with you anymore...? Why try with something you don't want?

 

 

Everyone I know would have tried in her position.

 

Then go date them.

 

 

And now I'm alone, having been what most of my girl friends tell me is what they see as the ideal boyfriend...maybe I got her flowers too much, maybe i went out for meals with her too much, maybe I was too thoughtful, but I don't regret any of that, I just hate it when everyone tells me I was amazing, and yet people who make so little effort in comparison, are still happy and together.

 

People tend to think they are better partners than they really are...they are often blind to the truth because their partners are so 'in love' with them that they too are blind to certain things...and when all you receive is positive feedback, you'll think you were god's gift to women...there was something that your ex didn't want...sh*t happens...

 

 

And I know you will all just reply in a condescending way saying that life isn't fair...

 

Indeed. Life isn't fair.

[EthanH]

do you really think anything you said in that was in any way constructive? it wasn't well I'm glad it made you feel better, congrats

[GrayClouds]

I don't know how I come over as arrogant.

VS

And I know you will all just reply in a condescending way ...

 

I give it a try anyway. Maybe she was not mature enough to appreciate what she had, possible she did not enjoy the level of emotional intimacy depth that you need in a relationship, she could be the type who confuses intensity with intimacy and when intensity wains it feels like intimacy wains.

 

Though why does not matter, what matter is you starting to focus on yourself and your moving on. The more you try to understand her and her thoughts the more you hold yourself back.

 

So a better question is not why she did not try, but why did you choose to love someone who was not able to or interesting in trying and what do you need to learn to keep from repeating that choice.

[skydiveaddict]

Ethan; you are not being honest w/yourself my friend. Hokie is pretty much spot on

[EthanH]

i'm not asking for sympathy, i'm not asking for you to tell me 'everything will be ok'... but what i have noticed on this site, you are so negative, and i'm not sure if it is that you have all been burnt by similar situations... it isn't even realist, and i don't think it helps anyone, which is what this site is surely about... so many people have said that about this site, it is only a few of the established members who actually offer anything constructive...

[GrayClouds]

Ethan; you are not being honest w/yourself my friend. Hokie is pretty much spot on

 

H,

As the said by that crusty old rocker Mick J, "you can always get what you want, But if you try sometimes you just might find, You get what you need. Oh yes! Woo!

 

Break-ups are painful and it is obvious you are hurting. I am sorry for that. Though please understand people are here are offering good advice. Good advice is not always welcomed advice but can offer the greatest help.

 

Woo

[USMCHokie]

do you really think anything you said in that was in any way constructive? it wasn't well I'm glad it made you feel better, congrats

 

 

Actually, yes, I do, although it may not be what you wanted to hear. There's one more thing I wanted to point out from your original post regarding your story about your flatmate and her boyfriend. Some people aren't emotionally stable or mature enough to get out of a bad situation. That's why they continue to "try" keeping something alive that should have died long ago. And I have a feeling that's the problem with your friends...so don't take that as an indication that everyone has to try to make every relationship work...

 

Now taking that back to your situation, your ex left you for some reason...maybe you don't know that reason...but it was something...and you may take offense to this, but maybe she was emotionally healthy enough to get out of a relationship that wasn't good for her...and continuing to try would hurt more than help...on the other hand, maybe she wasn't emotionally healthy, like grayclouds said...and didn't know what she lost...and may never know what she lost...

 

So my suggestion is to really take an honest look at yourself...don't worry about her...just worry about you...

[USMCHokie]

i'm not asking for sympathy, i'm not asking for you to tell me 'everything will be ok'... but what i have noticed on this site, you are so negative, and i'm not sure if it is that you have all been burnt by similar situations... it isn't even realist, and i don't think it helps anyone, which is what this site is surely about... so many people have said that about this site, it is only a few of the established members who actually offer anything constructive...

 

 

Alright. If you were a third party, what would you advise you to do in this situation? Basically, give yourself some advice...what would it be...? What would be constructive to you?

[EthanH]

thank you, finally some actual advice rather than just some smarmy points scoring...

 

I don't think she left for any reason, I think she felt trapped, but she regretted it the day after, all her friends who were close to her said this, but then when i didn't speak to her for a week, she felt it was over, not because she wanted it to be, but because she thought i had accepted it, and then all the mess afterwards happened... so yeah, for what it is worth, in reply to your comment, that is it...

 

as for me... i can't worry about me... even if everything else went right for me right now, i wouldn't be happy... because even if i won the lottery, i could visit the places i have always wanted, buy all the things i have always wanted to own, but what is the point of all of that if i can't be with the one i love? I have no urge to do anything atm... tell me that is wrong, but it is the way i am at the moment, and no amount of people telling me to 'man up' will change that...

[Chochobong]

Your flatmates are in a toxic relationship and it will inevitably end at some point.

 

You wanted it to work it out and she didn't. That right there is basically closure. Be honest with yourself and fix anything that needs fixing before you take another dive into another relationship. Have faith that you now can select a better partner based on your last experience. You know what to do if they show similar signs that your EX made.

 

- Accept

- Move On

- Improve yourself

- Learn from your mistakes and experience

- Date again

[ecko280]

You were the "NICE GUY". My ex left me also. She said i was the "perfect boyfriend", but i was not turning her on. I started reading online on what happen. I found out about the "nice guy syndrome". Now i do things that I WANT. I have a lot more dates and i am more happier then ever.

[EthanH]

ps, thank you...

[EthanH]

ecko, i wasn't the nice guy... and i don't know if you meant it like this, but it certainly wasn't that i wasn't turning her on... that was one of the constantly good things with us... um... but maybe you mean turning on in a more general relationship enthusiasm sense...

[annxxdisaster]

I just hate it when everyone tells me I was amazing, and yet people who make so little effort in comparison, are still happy and together.

 

How do you know they are happy?

[EthanH]

well in comparison to how i am, I would give anything, yes their relationship is bumpy, but they both make the effort... I know people say you shouldn't accept second best, or live a lie, that I'm better off being alone if what I had wasn't real, but I would give anything not to feel like this... things couldn't be worse for me atm, and that is not just me saying something to get you to pity me...

[annxxdisaster]

well in comparison to how i am, I would give anything, yes their relationship is bumpy, but they both make the effort... I know people say you shouldn't accept second best, or live a lie, that I'm better off being alone if what I had wasn't real, but I would give anything not to feel like this... things couldn't be worse for me atm, and that is not just me saying something to get you to pity me...

 

 

Things most certainly could be worse for you at the moment, but I can understand that it does not feel that way. Here's a quote that inspired me to get up and move on..

 

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."

 

...I'm curious what a statement like that means to you?

[GrayClouds]

well in comparison to how i am, I would give anything, yes their relationship is bumpy, but they both make the effort... I know people say you shouldn't accept second best, or live a lie, that I'm better off being alone if what I had wasn't real, but I would give anything not to feel like this... things couldn't be worse for me atm, and that is not just me saying something to get you to pity me...

 

Ethan you have learn a very important thing about your EX. It is very worth while to remember it;

 

She was not the type of person who was able to make the effort. You were a good boyfriend to her, perfect, no but a no one is. Though when things became difficult it was easier for her to leave then to fight for the relationship. That is all about her, not you.

 

Yes some people have less quality of a relationship but they make them work because they may have better coping skills, a better ability to handle stress, healthier role models to pattern after. It is not always about the depth of love people have for each other. If that was the case relationships would be easy. Often success in a realtionship comes down to individuals ability to make conflict constructive, to communicate needs successfully, to have to courage to take emotional risk. Your Ex appears not to be that person yet. So if most of what you say it true, the break up is less about her rejecting you, or the break up being a reflection of your worth as a boyfriend, but more likely about her and her development.

 

So this is not about you but her. And only she can address what issue she has.

[dreamingoftigers]

I get that "Ugh" feeling. My neighbour and I are both in crappy relationships. We both try really hard with our husbands who profess to care and then act like jackasses. Our other friend was dating the nicest, most caring guy in the world and she treated him like crap. Emotionally abusive. This past week she just dumped him for some guy she just started sleeping with that seems like a real ass. WtH?

[northstar1]

Ethan you have learn a very important thing about your EX. It is very worth while to remember it;

 

She was not the type of person who was able to make the effort. You were a good boyfriend to her, perfect, no but a no one is. Though when things became difficult it was easier for her to leave then to fight for the relationship. That is all about her, not you.

 

Yes some people have less quality of a relationship but they make them work because they may have better coping skills, a better ability to handle stress, healthier role models to pattern after. It is not always about the depth of love people have for each other. If that was the case relationships would be easy. Often success in a realtionship comes down to individuals ability to make conflict constructive, to communicate needs successfully, to have to courage to take emotional risk. Your Ex appears not to be that person yet. So if most of what you say it true, the break up is less about her rejecting you, or the break up being a reflection of your worth as a boyfriend, but more likely about her and her development.

 

So this is not about you but her. And only she can address what issue she has.

 

The part in bold is very true.

 

When they hit a tough spot or face the fact the relationship is not all flowers and rainbows, some lack the coping skills to navigate through the tough seas. They either fall back on old patterns, or they choose flight rather than fight for it. My ex chose to shutdown and walk away rather than fight because she lacked the coping skills in her life, both from a pattern in history as well as just not wanting to deal with reality.

[EthanH]

 

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."

 

...I'm curious what a statement like that means to you?

 

see the word 'must' just jumps out at me... I'm in such a bad place now, I just have no urge to do anything, I know i sound stupid, I'm not an idiot, I know people break-up all the time, and I have had bad break-ups before, but it was never like this... it is the fact that she broke up with me, i spent a month being told to give up, I resisted and resisted and then accepted... well at least I was on my way, and then she came back, and then left again as if she had no intention of caring (she didn't use me, that is what makes it all the more difficult)... that is what I'm struggling with... it feels like my emotions are ripped to bits.

 

I have no urge to do anything now. Everything just seems pointless. Why drive to get my ambitions together, what am I working towards, to earn more money? (I don't care about money as what can it do for me? It can't make me happy)... to visit places I have always dreamed of? (I don't want to visit as I would just be as miserable on a sunkissed beach as I would lying in bed here)... to become popular? (i don't care about that, I could have all the friends in the world and yet it wouldn't matter if my 'bestie' didn't want me)...nothing seems important to me at the moment.

[EthanH]

grayclouds and northstar,

 

I just feel that it isn't as simple as that, she does have that capacity, but I have tried to explain how i see it on here before, I don't think any of this was logical, the series of events has left us with a situation that neither of us really want, that neither of us wanted at the start when she first broke up with me (I think she regretted it as soon as she did it, she did a similar thing the week before, but the way the second time happened, she was stuck in her decision)... I feel like... and this really isn't just wishful thinking, the events happened from both sides, and it was like an avalanche which we both couldn't stop, and now neither of us cannot go back, and we are both stuck. We had a connection, every person I know saw it, which is unlike anything else i have ever experienced, everyone always went on about how close we looked, how good we were, and now that means nothing...

[mickleb]

I may be wrong but I think that if you had to walk ten miles for your nearest clean water supply, you might care about that.

 

x

[EthanH]

oh and you know so much about me? you have no idea! I have lost so much weight. Why do you feel you have to put such snide remarks on here... what is the point? Sure you feel better for it... pathetic

[mickleb]

What's snide about suggesting you have things to be thankful about, Ethan?