EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 A really simple thing hit me today about how to feel better about a break-up. I was thinking, I wonder what my ex is doing, is she with someone else?, if she is over me?, and i think that is the thing which hurts most people when they have a break-up, and it suddenly hit me, ok here is my logic: IF she is happy now, if she is with someone else, if she has got over me already, then great, because it shows that I jumped the gun, and she clearly didn't care as much about me as I did about her... i was living a myth, and it is good that I got out of that.
Fouts Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I think everyone in that position thinks that, Ethan. Congrats to you for realizing and accepting it. Unfortunately alot of people never give up and end up destroying their self esteem and sense of self worth by humiliating themselves trying to get the other half back.
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 in my experience, i haven't thought about anything more apart from the searing pain of the thought that she could be sleeping with someone else, moving on from me etc etc etc...and maybe this is my way of accepting even the worst, so that if i think that, it makes me somehow feel better... maybe it is stupid, but in a way, it made me feel better...
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 IF she is happy now, if she is with someone else, if she has got over me already, then great, because it shows that I jumped the gun, and she clearly didn't care as much about me as I did about her... i was living a myth, and it is good that I got out of that. I will agree with you on this one. But after your breakup, you shouldn't even have opportunity to know if she's with someone else. Much less care what, or who, they're doing...
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 to say that you shouldn't care what the person who has broken up with you is doing is just... well... i mean... what? I know you think everyone on here should just walk around like they are indestructible, but let's not kid ourselves, most people are not.
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 to say that you shouldn't care what the person who has broken up with you is doing is just... well... i mean... what? I know you think everyone on here should just walk around like they are indestructible, but let's not kid ourselves, most people are not. And you're right. The few weeks/months after a breakup, it's going to be impossible to not care...I've been there, I lived it...I was miserable...but give it time, and you will reach the promised land...that is, the land of not caring...it'll happen eventually, and when you get there, you'll know that you're getting closer to healing...
LK30 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I'm with you on that one Ethan. The most painful part for me and the bit that stops me moving on is the thought of my ex gf being with someone else. I absolutley hate and hate myself for even allowing myself to think about it. I'm not sure how to stop that thought really.
sean1970 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I'm with you on that one Ethan. The most painful part for me and the bit that stops me moving on is the thought of my ex gf being with someone else. I absolutley hate and hate myself for even allowing myself to think about it. I'm not sure how to stop that thought really. I suppose one thing that helped me initially was this, "She is his problem now". If you are still at the stage where you remember her curing cancer, walking on water, and the sex that porn stars train for, then its going to be hard. However, you know her flaws... You know the things that pissed you off... Now he gets that in spades. What puts you over the top (not caring) is when you feel you are worth something 'as good', and hopefully, better. When you feel that way, she would be just another girl... really...
Author EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I suppose one thing that helped me initially was this, "She is his problem now". If you are still at the stage where you remember her curing cancer, walking on water, and the sex that porn stars train for, then its going to be hard. However, you know her flaws... You know the things that pissed you off... Now he gets that in spades. What puts you over the top (not caring) is when you feel you are worth something 'as good', and hopefully, better. When you feel that way, she would be just another girl... really... i have really tried to think of her faults, i mean really objectively, and i just can't think of anything...
cp3_panda Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 thats just a load. Theres always flaws. The moment you take her off your pedestal.. u'll see it. I thought my girl was perfect.. blah blah. 4 years and her cheating... I started to see the flaws. What was ridiculous was the fact that i pretended to be ok with a lot of her flaws. Until I pretended so much, I thought i was ok with it. -_-. Now looking back, theres a ton of things I definitely dont miss about her. But one of the posters had a good point. The moment u realize that you are worth something.. you take her off that pedestal.
Author EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 well see, i think it is easy for you, as she cheated on you... she isn't on a pedestal, but I really cannot pick out a negative thing about her... of course she isn't a perfect person, but then, who is, honestly, there is nothing I think could be better in a future ex... I'm being totally honest about that... I wish there was a fault i could find, but i can't...
ohwhyme Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 The panda is right. I realized my ex is boring and not what I thought she was. I always had to carry out the conversations and put an effort to do something. She was only nice when she wanted something. Enjoy the freedom man, there are so many girls out there. Eventually, you'll get over it. My ex dumped me 2 months ago and I'm done. There's no going back and I'm just going to work on myself. No point in questioning what happened or if she's coming back. I think about her now and then but you get over it. Suck it up and prepare for the next woman in your life.
Author EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 i don't enjoy the freedom. My ex dumped me over to months ago and i have just felt worse over the time that has passed (partly because we 'got back' for like 3 days)...
USMCHokie Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 i don't enjoy the freedom. My ex dumped me over to months ago and i have just felt worse over the time that has passed (partly because we 'got back' for like 3 days)... This is a bad sign...it means you were much too dependent on your ex for your happiness and livelihood...and didn't have anything of your own to enjoy outside of the relationship...
Author EthanH Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 This is a bad sign...it means you were much too dependent on your ex for your happiness and livelihood...and didn't have anything of your own to enjoy outside of the relationship... I truly did. I had a lot of great interests, many friends etc etc that I enjoyed. My ambitions had become limited in terms of my future plans recently, but that had nothing to do with her. I was going through a rocky patch. But I wasn't reliant on her for my happiness at all. Indeed, even after we broke up, i was fine, but I think that was because I could focus on things while still thinking I was just giving her space... it was the getting back thing which killed me...it has messed me up so much, it has messed with my head, I don't know what she was thinking, what she situation is, it is all a mess.. i feel like i have been on edge for the last 2 months... I experience stress, i mean, my uni exams (stressed generally for a week or so, and then ultra stressed the evening before/the day of the exam) were tough, but it feels like I have had that level of extreme stress for the last 2 months, coupled with the most upsetting period of my life... i just feel exhausted... but I'm too emotional to be able to relax and get over it...
GrayClouds Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 well see, i think it is easy for you, as she cheated on you... NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING IS EASIER WHEN SOMEONE CHEATS ON YOU. And with all the kindness I can muster after a statement like your last, I say EthanH it is really obvious this break up is tearing you up. Most of the poster here understand, we been there ourselves. Please understand, I am truly sorry for your loss. But with all do respect to you, your intelligence, and your pain why do you post and then disagree with about 97.68439% of the advice you are receiving? You have received advice from some of the best people on the boards, very good advice, but you consistently discount it. I know your relationship felt special, unique, one of a kind, unlike any other with the most perfect girl in the world. And it was for you at the time but that time is over and it is just another break like so many other here. Take some time and read some early post of USMCHokie, Sean1970, McGrupp, Nortstar1, Caliguy, annxxdisaster, even mine. There are all similar stories and you find each struggled and most with the exact same thing as you are. We all though our situation was more complicated, we all felt like we knew what the EX was really thinking, we felt like our realtionship was special and different. They were not and neither was yours. Please stop trying to find reason why the advice you are getting is wrong, try instead to understand why the advice you are getting may be right. Then figure out how to use it to move on. Do that and I promise it will get better.
Weird Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 One thing to always keep in mind is that even if an ex is with someone else it doesn't mean it is all peachy keen. I know of an ex that was with someone for multiple years and he just royally messed her up emotionally throughout most of the relationship and she is having a huge problem getting over it (not a recent break up between them) with her self esteem simply shot. So to those that wonder if their ex is with someone and think they are all happy in that relationship...there is a good chance it isn't anything like you figure it may be. For anyone who wants their ex back just keep that in mind and if they contact you after their relationship it may be because they realized they screwed up and want you back. People make mistakes and sometimes it takes being abused by others to realize that.
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