Lost Wanderer Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Well I've been lurking here for awhile now and finally decided to ask your guy's opinion. First of I'll give you some background on my situation. Basically I am a MW involved with a MM that I've know since practically forever, 25 plus years, and I'm only in my early 40's. My M is losy and verbally abusive on both sides, hence I will be getting a divorce. That decision has nothing to do with my A. My H does know about my A, his W does not. Let me clarify that his W doesn't yet, but she's getting close to figuring it out. My A is only 6mo old, and originally MM told me he wouldn't leave for at least 3 years when his kids are grown, (personally I have no kids by choice). That statement has totally changed about a month ago to I'm leaving soon, say in May or June. This was before W really got suspicious. At this point what was a once a week thing is literally everyday, MM actually spends more time with me than at home. We have mutual friends who are aware and are ok with us. He doesn't hide me from anyone but his W. His actions seem so far to be sincere and fairly straight forward. That said I still have some doubts as to weather he will actually go thru with what he says. Your thoughts on this are welcome.
Fouts Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Just a thought, but from what you've said he's acting on the emotion of the moment. His sense of commitment to his children, which I hope he still has, is what you gave you his original answer (the unemotional one). So bottom line, I wouldn't be expecting a divorce until after his kids have left the nest.
Author Lost Wanderer Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 Kinda my thought too, although the W will probably force a choice sooner. Right now I am inclined to give him til the end of June to make a move. For several reasons, main one I love him. Secondly I can't make a move for at least three months, even if I wanted to. That is due to financial reasons. Namely I need to get rid of a house I don't want and can't afford. Thus even though my H nearly drives me crazy I am trapped. Basically, and this is sad, my A is the sanest relationship I have at the moment.
scatterd Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Sane?He is married if he will cheat on his wife he will do it to you to.What makes OW think that they are better then their wifes.They married their wife because they had wild sex and he loved her enough to marry and have children with her.Every realationship loses its knew wild sex point it will with you too.People that dont realize that jump from person to person You will see.The single men see beautiful woman everyday you would think that would be a lot funner to get. Then someone with no morals come on think.After a devorice the last thing I think I would do is go for someone Knowing what that they are selfish and able to cheat you are no better.These guys lie they always blame their wifes for things that are not true and the woman falls for it.Then they cry because they wont commit and chose to stay with their wifes.Even when they do leave they are back and forth to each woman.Well good luck Im just warning you.I have seen this so many times.I grew up the only girl in the family and it was not my family doing it but all the friends.I have seen alot and had male friends but never wanted a married man.Ive heard them talk and seen the woman hurt.Get out you will get hurt.I hope you think about it.Go find a SM that will offer more.It hurts on both sides.read the post listen to the OW that have been there anyway Hope you do well.
fooled once Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Do I think he will go through with leaving his wife? No Why? Because so few do, especially for someone he has known 6 months. He is going to throw away a life, a family, stability, etc for someone he has known 6 months? Nope, not going to happen in my view.
Fallen Angel Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Do I think he will go through with leaving his wife? No Why? Because so few do, especially for someone he has known 6 months. He is going to throw away a life, a family, stability, etc for someone he has known 6 months? Nope, not going to happen in my view. She said they have known each other for more than 25 years, the affair is only 6 months old.
lilagirl Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Well I've been lurking here for awhile now and finally decided to ask your guy's opinion. First of I'll give you some background on my situation. Basically I am a MW involved with a MM that I've know since practically forever, 25 plus years, and I'm only in my early 40's. My M is losy and verbally abusive on both sides, hence I will be getting a divorce. That decision has nothing to do with my A. My H does know about my A, his W does not. Let me clarify that his W doesn't yet, but she's getting close to figuring it out. My A is only 6mo old, and originally MM told me he wouldn't leave for at least 3 years when his kids are grown, (personally I have no kids by choice). That statement has totally changed about a month ago to I'm leaving soon, say in May or June. This was before W really got suspicious. At this point what was a once a week thing is literally everyday, MM actually spends more time with me than at home. We have mutual friends who are aware and are ok with us. He doesn't hide me from anyone but his W. His actions seem so far to be sincere and fairly straight forward. That said I still have some doubts as to weather he will actually go thru with what he says. Your thoughts on this are welcome. IMO - He will not be able to just leave in May or June...if his w doesn`t know - know by then...What is the difference between now, and a month from now? What is he doing to prepare himself. Ask him about where his head is at in leaving now... does he ever waiver? As his own deadlines get closer, that is when you will start seeing more of his indecision.. if he has any at all. MOST IMPORTANTLY... you are here for a reason... I found this forum because I was looking for support for how I was feeling... the roller coaster... My MM hasn`t done much to put me on the roller coaster.. for the most part I do it myself, and the roller coaster only started when I left my H - my feelings changed - dramatically... my point though is that sometimes reading this forum can intensify feelings that you may just feel a tiny bit, but you relate so deeply that when MM hurt their OWs, and you see posts about the same things that are happening with you and your MM, it makes you doubt... Don`t doubt your MM, until he gives you reason to doubt. If you are content to stay in your A, experiencing the ups and downs... go for it... and be as content as you can be. Right now... he has been true to his word. Just enjoy your time, until you get to a place where you don`t enjoy it more than you do (if that even happens) Be prepared for your A to change though when you leave you H... its not easy.
Author Lost Wanderer Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Thank you for your comment lilagirl. To be honest he has never waivered. As to why May or June well that is when his friend's brother will move out. Thus he would have someplace to go to at first. I know this is true since this is a mutual friend and I was there for the conversation. I've given MM no ultimatums, all I've said was that things cannot stay as they are forever. No timeframe mentioned, other than not for years. So he is the one who's implied May or June, not me. I cannot even expect to get out of my situation that fast. He knows this and his actually helping me with the house issue.
Author Lost Wanderer Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 Well things in my situation seem to be coming to a conclusion quickly. Yesterday MM got caught lying about where he was (he was not with me). Thus I do not enter into the arguement that followed at all. However the outcome of said arguement is that his W now knows he intends to leave. So now the D word is out there on both of our sides.
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Well my MM had a rough night last night, and ended up coming to me for support. Basically his W proceeded to act like the conversation they had the other day didn't happen. Thus he restated what he wanted and left for the rest of the evening. We ended up at our mutual friend's house and it is sounding like he may move in there in the next two or three weeks. So far he is actually surprising me, and has given me no reason to doubt, I suppose the next few weeks will be very telling.
lilagirl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 yikes... this will be a tough couple of weeks for both of you. Good luck.
Got it Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Good luck Lost. Breathe, focus on you, and make sure you continue to enjoy your life. He will need to walk whatever journey he needs to and no amount of anticipation can change it (I need to take my advice some times ) Good luck.
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Not sure how I want to react to this, but basically my H left yesterday at 12:30 to go to festival and has yet to come home. He likes to play various mind games in an effort to make a point. I am not upset that he was out all night, just he could have called. I do give him that much myself, even if I don't tell him exactly when or where. Given that he already know I want a divorce. Sorry just venting as I am tired of H's mind games. For example his favorite is to try and convince me that if I leave him that no one would ever want me. H's other favorite is to tell me how useless I am in bed, and call me about every name in the book. He's pulled just about every lousy abusive stunt I can think of over the last 10 years, short of actually hitting me. This is just the latest one I guess, better than getting left by the side of the road with nothing in the middle of the night. Yep he did that was 5 years ago. Yes there is a VERY good reason I want a divorce, having nothing to do with my A whatsoever.
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Not sure how I want to react to this, but basically my H left yesterday at 12:30 to go to festival and has yet to come home. He likes to play various mind games in an effort to make a point. I am not upset that he was out all night, just he could have called. I do give him that much myself, even if I don't tell him exactly when or where. Given that he already know I want a divorce. Sorry just venting as I am tired of H's mind games. For example his favorite is to try and convince me that if I leave him that no one would ever want me. H's other favorite is to tell me how useless I am in bed, and call me about every name in the book. He's pulled just about every lousy abusive stunt I can think of over the last 10 years, short of actually hitting me. This is just the latest one I guess, better than getting left by the side of the road with nothing in the middle of the night. Yep he did that was 5 years ago. Yes there is a VERY good reason I want a divorce, having nothing to do with my A whatsoever. Why get involved in an A at all. According to this post your H is emotionally and mentally abusive. But his actions shouldn't have dictated you have an A. "Hiding" you from the one person that matters is rather juvenile don't you think?
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Bent my H's behavior didn't cause my A. Nor do I justify my A due to his behavior. That started on it's own for reasons that don't even involve my H. All his behavior did was cause me to mentally check out of my M years ago. Emotionally and Physically I feel nothing for my H, haven't in years. Thus I was in the process of getting ready to leave before my A happened. Hence why I don't have a guilt issue to deal with, as I told H I wanted out before my A got serious. For that matter I told H to go find himself a girlfriend, as I really don't care.
Pink_orchid Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Well my MM had a rough night last night, and ended up coming to me for support. Basically his W proceeded to act like the conversation they had the other day didn't happen. Thus he restated what he wanted and left for the rest of the evening. We ended up at our mutual friend's house and it is sounding like he may move in there in the next two or three weeks. So far he is actually surprising me, and has given me no reason to doubt, I suppose the next few weeks will be very telling. You're right, the next few weeks will reveal all. It does look like he (your MM) is making plans to escape the marriage and move into his pal's place. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now because you don't want to throw in the towel because you love him and it could be that he IS serious. It's more pessimism than optimism (in general) on here, because as someone else said on a post on here somewhere, the people with happy outcomes from affairs are not seeking support from their heartbreak on LS, because they are not heartbroken, they are too busy being happy. You're not going to hear many 'happily after after stories' from people (who ended up together as the result of an affair) on here because those people are exactly that, loving and living happily and not sitting on their PC posting on LS!! I am not saying all the advice you have been given is not valid but my point is, yes be cautious, but be optimistic; I think you should have faith in him until you see a reason not to. Good luck.
MizzBlue72 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Well, you are both headed for a D. IT is good that you did not leave for each other. From experience, I can tell you that it will probably take a lot longer than a the next few weeks to really see where this is going. STDMM I am with yes, has left W, but we are still at the figuring all of this out - really really slowly. Sometimes, that is harder than knowing that he was M. Especially when he is unclear on what he wants. We are both working on ourselves first, but it's not any easier. Good luck. I hope the best for you.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Basically I am a MW involved with a MM that I've know since practically forever, 25 plus years, and I'm only in my early 40's. My M is losy and verbally abusive on both sides, hence I will be getting a divorce. That decision has nothing to do with my A. My H does know about my A, his W does not. Let me clarify that his W doesn't yet, but she's getting close to figuring it out. My A is only 6mo old, and originally MM told me he wouldn't leave for at least 3 years when his kids are grown, This guy isn't going to leave his marriage. Why after knowing him for 25 years (was he in your daily life for that long, or do you mean you KNEW him 25 years ago and reconnected with him, started the A?) would you have an affair? If your marriage sucks and your H is abusive to you, having an affair is not going to help or make it any easier. IF your H finds out, what then? If MM's wife figures it out and busts you two, chances are VERY high she IS going to tell YOUR husband about you and her husband. What then? Or, maybe it's possible your H knows about the affair and honestly doesn't care much anymore and that's why he didn't call. Figures you don't care either way.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 ...he'll cheat on her, he'll damn sure cheat on you. cant even wait until the ink is dry and you really think ya'll be together. y'all females is a trip. instead of working on your marriage lets ruin it with affairs, oh dont worry about std's or babies we got condoms for that, give me a break. im not trying to be vicious but to read these words on here is straight crazy. like wtf?
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 This guy isn't going to leave his marriage. Why after knowing him for 25 years (was he in your daily life for that long, or do you mean you KNEW him 25 years ago and reconnected with him, started the A?) would you have an affair? I can't answer this question fully due to privacy. But I will say that MM and I were not part of each others daily life until 6 months ago. However we did know how to find each other, either directly or through mutual friends. For most of the last 21 years we only saw each other occaisionally. So basically yes we reconnected 9 months ago, as this is when we really started talking to each other. Over 25 years ago we did date, and had a really good relationship. However it was one we weren't really ready for, as we were way too young. Thus outside pressure, and college ambition caused it to end. Which is something that today we both regret. I hope that makes sense ?
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Okay I need to vent. I want to get on with my life, with or without MM and definitely without the H. My frustration right now is with the H and his lack of initiative in getting things done and over. Namely I can't seem to get him to do anything, i.e. like get our taxes done, get the house on the market, or even work on the house. He is dragging his feet, thus insuring I can't get out of here. It is maddening, and I'm about to send a lawyer his way to force the issue. H's latest move, try calling me about every name in the book, and storming out, and not coming home until late the next day. When he knew and previously agreed to see a realtor during the day when he was AWOL. GRRRRRR BTW the MM in my life is fine and still holding true to his word so far, just the H isn't playing with a full deck.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 YOU WANT THE DIVORCE SO BAD, YOU DO IT!!! Simple as that. And besides your the one having an affair, and about to divorce your husband, do you think mentally he'd be happy about it! he's in alot of inner turmoil and yet you seem to have no sympathy for the man who spent years with you. And you only seem to care about a man who couldnt even wipe the bottom of his heel with you! You need to just get a divorce, live your life and own up to what your doing.
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 Chrome, it is hard to have sympathy for a man who has over the years mentally abused me, and denied me affection for longer than I care to think of. You know what upsets him the most about my leaving, it's nopt losing the one he loves !!!! It is losing his upper class address, and social status !!! Which in my opinion is just insulting and absurd. Thus you are right I do have very little sympathy for my H. At one point I did try to make my M work, it was pointless, unless I just want to cater to him. Which I won't and can't do...
Author Lost Wanderer Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Thought I'd just give an update. MM did move out and there was no Dday. This is very recent so at this point I'm just following his lead so to speak. Basically I'm giving him space unless he comes to me. Which he has done, and he does assure me that we are good. But I do know that right now he is a bit stressed and morning the end of his M. All very understandable and I know not at all realated to how he feels about me. So at this point I'm the one sorta lagging behind in this, which has been mildly pointed out to me. Although I do have an appointment for a realator to come over and am in touch with a lawyer. Right now I'm just taking things one day at a time.
Recommended Posts