gypsy_nicky Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Gutted, if you read over your posts again you said that you attach quickly but at the same time it takes time for you to like someone?? Which one is it? Or does 'it takes me long to like someone' mean you hold out for someone you really like?
Mary3 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 While you were giving it your * last go * he was not even thinking about you... While you sit in the dark and suffer... he is out having fun. Disconnect ! You must.....Take his image in your mind and fade it away to nothing. Your mind is a powerful thing. Pretty soon he is nothing but a grey mass... . Practice this techqnique. Just remember he is NOT suffering ! The last text was a last ditch effort on your part. Holding out for hope. Get some counseling
Kamille Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 The thing is, your reaction isn't even about this guy in particular: it's about you. The reason you're upset is because you want to feel loved - not because you two had built a solid foundation of trust and not because you actually knew him. I know a lot of us have said this in the past but: you can feel loved and worthy of love on your own. In fact, you should feel like a desirable loveable human being, even when you're single. That way, when you meet a guy and he disappears, it's easier to tell yourself: "ah well, it didn't work with this guy, but I hardly knew him and there are plenty of other fish in the sea". It's pretty obvious from this thread that you struggle with self-esteem issues. And the thing is, I think you fail to understand how these issues are affecting your actions. I'm sure they influence how you act on your dates (for example: giving conditions but still showing up for the date; trying to figure out the "proper answer" to the question: "why are you still single?" instead of taking it lightly and turning it into a joke). Have you ever talked to your friends about your struggles with dating? They know you better. Perhaps you could ask them if they could give you constructive criticism on how to improve your relationships with men.
Mary3 Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 The thing is, your reaction isn't even about this guy in particular: it's about you. The reason you're upset is because you want to feel loved - not because you two had built a solid foundation of trust and not because you actually knew him. I know a lot of us have said this in the past but: you can feel loved and worthy of love on your own. In fact, you should feel like a desirable loveable human being, even when you're single. That way, when you meet a guy and he disappears, it's easier to tell yourself: "ah well, it didn't work with this guy, but I hardly knew him and there are plenty of other fish in the sea". It's pretty obvious from this thread that you struggle with self-esteem issues. And the thing is, I think you fail to understand how these issues are affecting your actions. I'm sure they influence how you act on your dates (for example: giving conditions but still showing up for the date; trying to figure out the "proper answer" to the question: "why are you still single?" instead of taking it lightly and turning it into a joke). Have you ever talked to your friends about your struggles with dating? They know you better. Perhaps you could ask them if they could give you constructive criticism on how to improve your relationships with men. Beeeaaauuutiful Advice !!!
tkgirl Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 The thing is, your reaction isn't even about this guy in particular: it's about you. The reason you're upset is because you want to feel loved - not because you two had built a solid foundation of trust and not because you actually knew him. I know a lot of us have said this in the past but: you can feel loved and worthy of love on your own. In fact, you should feel like a desirable loveable human being, even when you're single. That way, when you meet a guy and he disappears, it's easier to tell yourself: "ah well, it didn't work with this guy, but I hardly knew him and there are plenty of other fish in the sea". It's pretty obvious from this thread that you struggle with self-esteem issues. And the thing is, I think you fail to understand how these issues are affecting your actions. I'm sure they influence how you act on your dates (for example: giving conditions but still showing up for the date; trying to figure out the "proper answer" to the question: "why are you still single?" instead of taking it lightly and turning it into a joke). Have you ever talked to your friends about your struggles with dating? They know you better. Perhaps you could ask them if they could give you constructive criticism on how to improve your relationships with men. yep.. self esteem is EVERYTHING when it comes to dating and getting to know someone. If you like yourself and things don't work out with a new prospect, as long as YOU like yourself then you can go "eh, their loss!" and move on... and just remember, not everybody is going to like you... just like you don't like everybody!
Author so gutted Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Ok so he did sms me back (the next morning). along enough text, saying he has been out of town on business and attended a work do the night before. would be good to see you again xx. I replied back generally, and ended with "its good to talk". No reply until that evening at 9 - when he asked what I was up to. I said I was away for the weekend visiting a mate. we had a brief sms conversation and he kept it very short. I ended by saying I had to go - can we communicate better - if you still want? he said yes - of course xxx. It was all very forced. Have not heard from him since. Checked his account, he has logged on a few hours ago and updated his pictures (not sure when he did that as I have not logged in for a while). So - he is looking hard. He was never interested in me, as he never called back after date one. He has answered my texts polietly enough because he knows he has led me on. He moved on after meeting me. He is probably not even looking for a relationship and wants a trophy girl. He is wealthy enough and the pics he put up on his profile are all abroad - 2 are with women. I may look good - if i try hard enough but I am not a movie star. Money can buy him a trophy girl with no brain. He doesnt want me at all. His compliments may have been real at the time but he probably uses them on all women. He is a wealthy, snobby arrogant player. I think the penny has dropped but I still feel awful. I was about to text him again - why do i do this???? Its the idea of him - what he represents, money, intelligence = stability. I want his "type" and am ignoring the obvious signs. I guess I am angry with myself as I believed him when he said i looked nice, he wanted to see me again, going away...he DID lead me on......thats why I think I am contacting him. Him logging in, him updating his pictures, him not calling - just responding and even that is late...its all bad news. help.
Mary3 Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Ok so he did sms me back (the next morning). along enough text, saying he has been out of town on business and attended a work do the night before. would be good to see you again xx. I replied back generally, and ended with "its good to talk". No reply until that evening at 9 - when he asked what I was up to. I said I was away for the weekend visiting a mate. we had a brief sms conversation and he kept it very short. I ended by saying I had to go - can we communicate better - if you still want? he said yes - of course xxx. It was all very forced. Have not heard from him since. Checked his account, he has logged on a few hours ago and updated his pictures (not sure when he did that as I have not logged in for a while). So - he is looking hard. He was never interested in me, as he never called back after date one. He has answered my texts polietly enough because he knows he has led me on. He moved on after meeting me. He is probably not even looking for a relationship and wants a trophy girl. He is wealthy enough and the pics he put up on his profile are all abroad - 2 are with women. I may look good - if i try hard enough but I am not a movie star. Money can buy him a trophy girl with no brain. He doesnt want me at all. His compliments may have been real at the time but he probably uses them on all women. He is a wealthy, snobby arrogant player. I think the penny has dropped but I still feel awful. I was about to text him again - why do i do this???? Its the idea of him - what he represents, money, intelligence = stability. I want his "type" and am ignoring the obvious signs. I guess I am angry with myself as I believed him when he said i looked nice, he wanted to see me again, going away...he DID lead me on......thats why I think I am contacting him. Him logging in, him updating his pictures, him not calling - just responding and even that is late...its all bad news. help. You have a compulsion to destroy yourself. This is WAY deeper than this guy. PLease get HELP !
Author so gutted Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 You have a compulsion to destroy yourself. This is WAY deeper than this guy. PLease get HELP ! what do you mean>? Please stick to this situation
Mary3 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 what do you mean>? Please stick to this situation Your compulsion to text this guy who is not interested in you. Then you want to text again and again. How is the texting beneficial to you at this point ?
Author so gutted Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Your compulsion to text this guy who is not interested in you. Then you want to text again and again. How is the texting beneficial to you at this point ? How come noone is blaming him for leading me on, saying nice things planning holidays. I went out all day with friends.Came back felt horribly horribly lonely (after hearing how friends were all waiting around for their men to start behaving) i thought I should try harder and contacted him again. He hasnt replied - AGAIN. I do it because he hasnt ignored the previous ones, he hasnt said an outright no and I guess I need some hope.
Kamille Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 hope for what? That you will be in a relationship with a man who can't follow through with his promises? Have you asked your friends for advice on how you could improve your interpersonal style while on dates?
gypsy_nicky Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 How come noone is blaming him for leading me on, saying nice things planning holidays. I went out all day with friends.Came back felt horribly horribly lonely (after hearing how friends were all waiting around for their men to start behaving) i thought I should try harder and contacted him again. He hasnt replied - AGAIN. I do it because he hasnt ignored the previous ones, he hasnt said an outright no and I guess I need some hope. you live in a culture where 'freedom' and achieving your dreams is possible (love career etc). The downside to this is you are responsible for what you do and what you get into (your fate). People in this culture tend to think- Your environment has little to do with it. Which is almost always not the case. If you really want to push it with this man, then by all means go for it (with caution), but do heed some of the advice given here because sometimes being in a emotional situation disables objective thought. I will ask you this, if this man does become available, will you pursue the relationship? Or run? It seems you like the unavailability.
Mary3 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 How come noone is blaming him for leading me on, saying nice things planning holidays. I went out all day with friends.Came back felt horribly horribly lonely (after hearing how friends were all waiting around for their men to start behaving) i thought I should try harder and contacted him again. He hasnt replied - AGAIN. I do it because he hasnt ignored the previous ones, he hasnt said an outright no and I guess I need some hope. OMG you are kidding right ? What have you learned in # 60 posts ?
2sunny Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 How come noone is blaming him for leading me on, saying nice things planning holidays. I went out all day with friends.Came back felt horribly horribly lonely (after hearing how friends were all waiting around for their men to start behaving) i thought I should try harder and contacted him again. He hasnt replied - AGAIN. I do it because he hasnt ignored the previous ones, he hasnt said an outright no and I guess I need some hope. why would anyone blame HIM for your need to go back and reach out to him knowing he's not going to show an interest. his actions (or lack of) tell you all you need to know - he isn't interested enough to make an effort. yet YOU keep at him knowing he will ignore you or respond much later... in other words: he doesn't contact YOU contact he doesn't contact you feel rejected since YOU made an effort and he didn't you contact again he waits - and waits - and waits .... meanwhile he's staying busy doing things with others he WANTS to spend time with... you contact again... finally - he bothers to make a small effort - by sms... YOU want more... he ignores again... YOU feel rejected... see the vicious cycle? YOU are doing this to YOURSELF by participating... STOP participating! spend the time and energy where it's reciprical - and useful - with a man that gives as much as you do... stop wasting YOUR energy on an empty receiver...
janie423 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Ok so he did sms me back (the next morning). along enough text, saying he has been out of town on business and attended a work do the night before. would be good to see you again xx. I replied back generally, and ended with "its good to talk". No reply until that evening at 9 - when he asked what I was up to. I said I was away for the weekend visiting a mate. we had a brief sms conversation and he kept it very short. I ended by saying I had to go - can we communicate better - if you still want? he said yes - of course xxx. It was all very forced. Have not heard from him since. Checked his account, he has logged on a few hours ago and updated his pictures (not sure when he did that as I have not logged in for a while). So - he is looking hard. He was never interested in me, as he never called back after date one. He has answered my texts polietly enough because he knows he has led me on. He moved on after meeting me. He is probably not even looking for a relationship and wants a trophy girl. He is wealthy enough and the pics he put up on his profile are all abroad - 2 are with women. I may look good - if i try hard enough but I am not a movie star. Money can buy him a trophy girl with no brain. He doesnt want me at all. His compliments may have been real at the time but he probably uses them on all women. He is a wealthy, snobby arrogant player. I think the penny has dropped but I still feel awful. I was about to text him again - why do i do this???? Its the idea of him - what he represents, money, intelligence = stability. I want his "type" and am ignoring the obvious signs. I guess I am angry with myself as I believed him when he said i looked nice, he wanted to see me again, going away...he DID lead me on......thats why I think I am contacting him. Him logging in, him updating his pictures, him not calling - just responding and even that is late...its all bad news. help. Please review the areas in bold type. Your gut tells you he is not interested. Yet you continue to pursue this man. I don't know how you can tolerate the indignity you are doing to yourself. Please be kind to yourself and BACK OFF and get busy with your life. People say all kinds of things. Men hit on women every day with lines like "you look nice", "let's go away". Talk is cheap. Talk is nothing. Someday he'll get played. The universe remembers.
Mary3 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 why would anyone blame HIM for your need to go back and reach out to him knowing he's not going to show an interest. his actions (or lack of) tell you all you need to know - he isn't interested enough to make an effort. yet YOU keep at him knowing he will ignore you or respond much later... in other words: he doesn't contact YOU contact he doesn't contact you feel rejected since YOU made an effort and he didn't you contact again he waits - and waits - and waits .... meanwhile he's staying busy doing things with others he WANTS to spend time with... you contact again... finally - he bothers to make a small effort - by sms... YOU want more... he ignores again... YOU feel rejected... see the vicious cycle? YOU are doing this to YOURSELF by participating... STOP participating! spend the time and energy where it's reciprical - and useful - with a man that gives as much as you do... stop wasting YOUR energy on an empty receiver... This is POWERFUL. It is all you need to know
atlnay Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Not even giving advice, you've been given some GREAT advice already. Just a question, why do you like being miserable? How come noone is blaming him for leading me on, saying nice things planning holidays. I went out all day with friends.Came back felt horribly horribly lonely (after hearing how friends were all waiting around for their men to start behaving) i thought I should try harder and contacted him again. He hasnt replied - AGAIN. I do it because he hasnt ignored the previous ones, he hasnt said an outright no and I guess I need some hope.
Author so gutted Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 you live in a culture where 'freedom' and achieving your dreams is possible (love career etc). The downside to this is you are responsible for what you do and what you get into (your fate). People in this culture tend to think- Your environment has little to do with it. Which is almost always not the case. If you really want to push it with this man, then by all means go for it (with caution), but do heed some of the advice given here because sometimes being in a emotional situation disables objective thought. I will ask you this, if this man does become available, will you pursue the relationship? Or run? It seems you like the unavailability. thank you. thank you all. this is spot on. I am chasing him because he is unavailable. If he was after me I would run or find a reason to end it. Then why am i still feeling so down. This is really awful- i have never felt down for so long about a guy. Usually by this stage I am angry and that works well. I am angry at myself. I am ALARMED that i am suddenly feeling an awful emptiness. I think it was because before meeting him i was looking forward to it, i was looking good, i was busy getting ready etc and I had a nice time. It was so nice. To be given something for a short while, a snippet and then have it removed seems so harsh. I am finding myself doing anything to avoid being at home alone. I am utterly miserable. I really want to snap out of it. I am really quiet at work and feel like bursting into tears. I also go to sleep early as I just want to sleep it off. When will the waiting stop? when will i feel "normal"?
sphx26 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 You'll stop waiting and won't even know it once you make a proactive effort to move on and stop interpreting what he said.That's all in the past now. You live in the present,so don't get left behind, otherwise you'll just be wasting time, time that you can never get back. If he's into you, then let him put at least some effort and don't let all the effort come from you. Relationships, or even friendships, are never one-way. Cut all contacts, erase his number, block his websites if you have to so that you would stop peeking and prevent you from moving on and thinking why he does this and that. It is normal to question what happened and find closure, but most people won't give you that and you have to find closure within yourself. Think of the lessons that you've learned from this experience.
Mary3 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 thank you. thank you all. this is spot on. I am chasing him because he is unavailable. If he was after me I would run or find a reason to end it. Then why am i still feeling so down. This is really awful- i have never felt down for so long about a guy. Usually by this stage I am angry and that works well. I am angry at myself. I am ALARMED that i am suddenly feeling an awful emptiness. I think it was because before meeting him i was looking forward to it, i was looking good, i was busy getting ready etc and I had a nice time. It was so nice. To be given something for a short while, a snippet and then have it removed seems so harsh. I am finding myself doing anything to avoid being at home alone. I am utterly miserable. I really want to snap out of it. I am really quiet at work and feel like bursting into tears. I also go to sleep early as I just want to sleep it off. When will the waiting stop? when will i feel "normal"? It's a deeply personal and painful thing you are going through. Somewhere in your mind you are saying : " I got all dressed up and I looked nice . Whats wrong with me that he does not want to persue this anymore ? Why can't he see me for the beautiful person that I am , Why ? " It then becomes not just a * date * that you went on but to put your whole being and identity tied to this one date , this one guy...I think this goes back further and deeper. Maybe when you were younger you did not feel good enough for someone in your young life. A date is truly not supposed to be a big deal , at least on the first few. If you put all your hopes and dreams ( and baggage ) into the date , the guy FEELS that. Its a big deal to you because you are lonely and you want that connection. You are not alone.
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