Disappearance - a common theme

[so gutted]

Believe me when I say : He can smell your desperation. You may dispute what I say and tell me you are not desperate....But even if INSIDE you feel a gut wrenching need to have someone in your life , ALWAYS show at least on the outside , that you can take or leave him..

 

You wonder : How do girls effortlessly have relationships and keep them and their lives ? ..because its a certain mentality. Have you ever known a woman who could not keep a R going to save her life ? She has LOTS to learn. Someday she can , she needs to listen to advice. Its critical !

 

What to DO at this point. Let HIM take the lead. Him calling. Him texting. Him kissing you first. Him asking for another date. Don't DO it yourself. It takes the fun and work out of for him. Despite what you say men want to LEAD the R....

 

when i asked him after the date why he didnt call he said - nor did you....i told him it was the mans job...so he knows this.maybe he is gay.

[Mary3]

when i asked him after the date why he didnt call he said - nor did you....i told him it was the mans job...so he knows this.maybe he is gay.

 

Sounds like he is playing hard to get. How was the first kiss ?

[so gutted]

It was good, not too sloppy and not too passionate....a kiss wasted.

[Kamille]

I'm curious... How did the Florida plans come up?

 

See, it seems the future plans are recurring theme of all your dates. To be honest, I can't recall a single first date where a guy and I ended up making future plans- except for: maybe we could so something next weekend. And, to be honest, I would consider it a red flag if a guy talked about taking me to a place that involved a hotel and plane (or train) tickets on a first date.

 

But all these guys bring future plans up. Do you bring them up? If so, how? I'm just trying to assess why this keeps happening and what you could do differently.

[alphamale]

He also jokingly said on date one - he was gay.

well theres your answer

[so gutted]

I'm curious... How did the Florida plans come up?

 

See, it seems the future plans are recurring theme of all your dates. To be honest, I can't recall a single first date where a guy and I ended up making future plans- except for: maybe we could so something next weekend. And, to be honest, I would consider it a red flag if a guy talked about taking me to a place that involved a hotel and plane (or train) tickets on a first date.

 

But all these guys bring future plans up. Do you bring them up? If so, how? I'm just trying to assess why this keeps happening and what you could do differently.

 

he first mentioned the next dates....one of which involved me going to his place or a neutral venue. He then mentioned a weekend away and mentioned Florida and said he would book something up. I would not hint at a plan ride away. I think future plans come up because we are both over 30 and both intelligent enough not to try and fool each other by saying we want a casual thing. He brought this up - but as you all say it means nothing.

 

It just seems like a nasty thing to do.

[so gutted]

HE also mentioned - what would my family say if I brought him home ( he is BLACK)

[Kamille]

he first mentioned the next dates....one of which involved me going to his place or a neutral venue. He then mentioned a weekend away and mentioned Florida and said he would book something up. I would not hint at a plan ride away. I think future plans come up because we are both over 30 and both intelligent enough not to try and fool each other by saying we want a casual thing. He brought this up - but as you all say it means nothing.

 

It just seems like a nasty thing to do.

 

I'm over 30 and I consider myself intelligent enough. When I start dating a new guy, I tell him I'm interested in a serious relationship but would like to take the time to know him... That's what those women in relationships do (at least this one). Taking the time to get to know someone means: local plans for next weekend=good. Travel plans for two weeks down = rushing things.

 

I think you might be confusing "wanting a relationship" with "rushing into a relationship". Keep things light and casual, at least plan wise, for at least the first three dates.

[Mary3]

It was good, not too sloppy and not too passionate....a kiss wasted.

 

Possible Gay-Dar going off here...

[Mary3]

HE also mentioned - what would my family say if I brought him home ( he is BLACK)

 

Oooooohhhhhhhhhh.........

[spookie]

why did you think it'd be a good idea to essentially crash his work function, just to see him, after only 1 date? no wonder he was surprised youd showed up... he was probably neglecting to add, "and creeped out".

 

why would you plan a trip with someone you just met? you get that thats crazy, right?

 

and how do you manage to attach so fast, that it physically hurts you, when these guys disappear?

[Mme. Chaucer]

So gutted, it's time to stop thinking and posting about this tiny moment in your life. You are starting to come across in a way that you surely would not like ... yes, as desperate and a potential bunny boiler.

 

He's a "bastard" because he kissed you on the first date? Hm. His perfectly normal, though dishonorable behavior earns him a label of "gay"? I would venture to guess that if he were gay, he would not have dated you.

 

This is a miniscule splinter in your ego. It hurt. A LITTLE bit. Now move on and get over it.

[janie423]

Gutted - I can tell you are very frustrated by this entire dating process. Some of the many well-meaning posters seem to be chastising you, and that adds to your frustration. I feel like you do need to relax when you go on these dates and stop making it into a do-or-die situation. What this man did was not irregular. What you did was place weight on the things he said. Remember that actions speak louder than words. Put this date into perspective and the next time you have a date, and you will, enjoy the company of a man without internal dialogue and expectations. Not all men you date will be the right fit.

[so gutted]

why did you think it'd be a good idea to essentially crash his work function, just to see him, after only 1 date? no wonder he was surprised youd showed up... he was probably neglecting to add, "and creeped out".

 

why would you plan a trip with someone you just met? you get that thats crazy, right?

 

and how do you manage to attach so fast, that it physically hurts you, when these guys disappear?

 

 

yes i should not have crashed his work function and yes he should not have said he really likes me. He should not have encouraged me to come, but as he worded it so nicely "so that we can still see each other" etc etc it felt like he wanted me there.

 

He planned the trip - he brought that up all by himself. Why isnt that weird of HIM?

 

I attach fast because I know what i like...it was maybe a physical attraction.

 

Anyway he isnt dead (comforting thought) he has logged onto the site today.

 

I plucked up the courage to have a look.

 

It appears he is looking for someone better then me now he has dipped his toe in.

 

I hope he finds a fat ugly psycho.b-s-t-a-r-d.

 

I hate him.

[so gutted]

So gutted, it's time to stop thinking and posting about this tiny moment in your life. You are starting to come across in a way that you surely would not like ... yes, as desperate and a potential bunny boiler.

 

He's a "bastard" because he kissed you on the first date? Hm. His perfectly normal, though dishonorable behavior earns him a label of "gay"? I would venture to guess that if he were gay, he would not have dated you.

 

This is a miniscule splinter in your ego. It hurt. A LITTLE bit. Now move on and get over it.

 

it actually hurt a lot. it has taken all my reserve not to text him and sk him why has he dispappeared. this will achieve nothing but i guess i am that desperate to be liked i would even open up this scenario,.help.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Dear so gutted;

 

I feel very bad for you. I read some of your other posts, including one about serious depression.

 

I don't know you ... of course you will take what I say with the requisite grain of salt:

 

It is NOT HEALTHY how you attach so quickly and desperately with these different guys you meet. It is not good for you. Also, it is almost guaranteed to be sensed and to drive other people away. Guys don't like it, and neither do we women; I certainly would not.

 

Dating is not easy and it is painful for any of us when we are rejected. Still, it is something that happens all the time as we cast about looking for someone with whom we match. It's really not appropriate to vilify the person who does not "choose" you in this arena, where it is just inherent. Some people are going to disengage with you in a more "honorable" way than others will. If you are giving off a vibe of desperation or something else off-putting, the guys are more likely to just disappear without explanation.

 

Do you have a therapist? I really gather from what I have read that you need to get some things of your own worked out before you will be ready to bring your best to a worthy relationship partner.

[Mary3]

it actually hurt a lot. it has taken all my reserve not to text him and sk him why has he dispappeared. this will achieve nothing but i guess i am that desperate to be liked i would even open up this scenario,.help.

 

I know you hurt alot. But coming here hopefully you can learn alot about yourself and about men. I came here when I had a break up years ago and very thankful I did. I saved alot of pathetic actions I could have taken by instead coming here and learning ALL about myself.

 

Right now you hurt. A year from now and many lessons later you will be thankful as all ____ that you came here and look back on it and see this guy you are pining for is just not that intersted. You are fabulous and you will find someone someday who is crazy about you !

 

Then you can post here for that too

[so gutted]

I know you hurt alot. But coming here hopefully you can learn alot about yourself and about men. I came here when I had a break up years ago and very thankful I did. I saved alot of pathetic actions I could have taken by instead coming here and learning ALL about myself.

 

Right now you hurt. A year from now and many lessons later you will be thankful as all ____ that you came here and look back on it and see this guy you are pining for is just not that intersted. You are fabulous and you will find someone someday who is crazy about you !

 

Then you can post here for that too

 

thanks - i keep typing out pathetic - "hi how are you keeping? " texts....thank god almighty i have not sent them. someone stop me - why am i even writing them. why can i not get away from him? How will a small crumb of contact like that help me???

 

I feel so desperate. I have gone out with friends yesterday and today - something i do not do usually during the week. I have done anything to stop myself from being idle and texting him. I nearly did it last night.

 

WHy???

 

He has moved on and if im honest he wasnt really interested...even before we met he was going through the motions - it was minimal contact and mostly via the site even though he has my number.

 

I do not take rejection well because it takes me so long to like someone when i do i am so desperate to be liked back i behave like an idoit.

 

any more reasons to stop me texting a stupid text and then the agonizing wait for a crumb of a reply?

 

Have i finally flipped right out??

 

 

I was so happy to have met him i brought new clothes etc, painted my ails. I so wanted to be liked. so badly.

[so gutted]

Dear so gutted;

 

I feel very bad for you. I read some of your other posts, including one about serious depression.

 

I don't know you ... of course you will take what I say with the requisite grain of salt:

 

It is NOT HEALTHY how you attach so quickly and desperately with these different guys you meet. It is not good for you. Also, it is almost guaranteed to be sensed and to drive other people away. Guys don't like it, and neither do we women; I certainly would not.

 

Dating is not easy and it is painful for any of us when we are rejected. Still, it is something that happens all the time as we cast about looking for someone with whom we match. It's really not appropriate to vilify the person who does not "choose" you in this arena, where it is just inherent. Some people are going to disengage with you in a more "honorable" way than others will. If you are giving off a vibe of desperation or something else off-putting, the guys are more likely to just disappear without explanation.

 

Do you have a therapist? I really gather from what I have read that you need to get some things of your own worked out before you will be ready to bring your best to a worthy relationship partner.

 

i have been rejected a few times and i have not got used to it.

[Kamille]

 

I do not take rejection well because it takes me so long to like someone when i do i am so desperate to be liked back i behave like an idoit.

 

 

Well, I did a quick check on your thread history: you seem to meet someone you really like about every 2-3 months, which is a better average than me. I meet someone I really like about every 6 months - and I consider that a good average.

[tkgirl]

I met a guy twice and he has disappeared on me. First date was good (in my opinion). He asked me what I wanted etc and then agreed that we could meet once a week. he did not contact me for 3 days. On the third day I texted him. He then mentioned meeting again. On the day we were supposed to meet, he siad a work do had come up and that I could meet him after it. He then went to the do. I waited around all evening and he got back to me late and suggested I come down. As I had spent the whole day and evening waited I wanted to see him so I went to the do.

 

I met his colleagues etc, it was a very big industry do. He paid me compliments and said he was surprised I had come down but was very glad to see me. I said I would not come again at short notice and I like to know in advance what is going on. He agreed.He kept asking why someone like me was still single, as I was pretty, slim and educated. He had asked this on date one also.

 

He also mentioned going away for a weekend etc. He kept going back to his suspicion as to why I was single. He asked for specific examples so I told him about a random guy who I dated and why he was not suitable. I kept it vague.

 

The last I heard from him was a text after the event (which I think was forced) saying that he really liked me.

 

Nothing for 3 days.

 

I am baffled, why did he encourage me with talk about weekends etc and compliment me openly if he was not interested. After all the effort I made I get nothing in return.

 

I am not contacting him again. I made the effort and he allowed me to. What have I done wrong?

 

I mentioned that calling etc was a mans job and he said maybe he had not been a man for a while. He also jokingly said on date one - he was gay. I am beginning to wonder if he is.

 

Where is he??? What have i done wrong?

 

I am sick of putting my neck on the line and being rejected.

 

Is there such a thing as being too good ??

 

you did nothing wrong and you can't take his disappearance personally.... easier said than done but you have to realize that is just his MO. You only met up with him twice... to me this is typical online dating behavior... guys (and women) think that they all of a sudden have all these options and then think why should they settle so quickly? I went through a similar experience on my first online date... he came on pretty strong, lots of compliments and all that... oh, and he even did that inviting me to go away with him thing. He was flying back home for a good friend's wedding in two days and was like "come with me!". (I didn't... lol!) We went out a few more times.. and things even got pretty physical by the third date but no sex... I thought he was pretty into me and then *poof* it was over. I was pretty bummed out about it but later realized that's how the online thing goes a lot of the times... I don't think he was really looking for anything serious or if he was, he decided after 4 dates with me that I just wasn't it... funny thing was he came back a few months later and wanted to give it another go.... but that's another story.

Anyho... I wouldn't let what this flaky guy did affect your self esteem. Sure, it stings a little bit but you will get past it... two dates isn't enough to really even get to know someone let alone get attached. I think you may have been more hung up on the "idea" of him rather than who he really is. You have to just get more confidence... and that comes from inside yourself, not from how some random guy treats you.

Edited April 29, 2010 by tkgirl

[Mary3]

thanks - i keep typing out pathetic - "hi how are you keeping? " texts....thank god almighty i have not sent them. someone stop me - why am i even writing them. why can i not get away from him? How will a small crumb of contact like that help me???

 

I feel so desperate. I have gone out with friends yesterday and today - something i do not do usually during the week. I have done anything to stop myself from being idle and texting him. I nearly did it last night.

 

WHy???

 

He has moved on and if im honest he wasnt really interested...even before we met he was going through the motions - it was minimal contact and mostly via the site even though he has my number.

 

I do not take rejection well because it takes me so long to like someone when i do i am so desperate to be liked back i behave like an idoit.

 

any more reasons to stop me texting a stupid text and then the agonizing wait for a crumb of a reply?

 

Have i finally flipped right out??

 

 

I was so happy to have met him i brought new clothes etc, painted my ails. I so wanted to be liked. so badly.

 

OP you see the state you are in ??? He FEELS that desperation as I said before. NOTICE how you don't know what to do with yourself. ? You feel weird going out with friends

The NORMAL is that you keep yourself BUSY !!!

 

I feel so bad for you . I know you want someone .

 

But how about this : From NOW on every date with anyone is no big deal. Go on 7 dates a week , ( not right now til you get cool again ) .

 

Dates ARE no big deal. This one was too short , this one was too cheap , that one was a wack job . Then walk to your car and laugh it off.

 

Dating should not be SO serious anymore !

 

You are taking every date way too seriously....chill a bit

[so gutted]

you did nothing wrong and you can't take his disappearance personally.... easier said than done but you have to realize that is just his MO. You only met up with him twice... to me this is typical online dating behavior... guys (and women) think that they all of a sudden have all these options and then think why should they settle so quickly? I went through a similar experience on my first online date... he came on pretty strong, lots of compliments and all that... oh, and he even did that inviting me to go away with him thing. He was flying back home for a good friend's wedding in two days and was like "come with me!". (I didn't... lol!) We went out a few more times.. and things even got pretty physical by the third date but no sex... I thought he was pretty into me and then *poof* it was over. I was pretty bummed out about it but later realized that's how the online thing goes a lot of the times... I don't think he was really looking for anything serious or if he was, he decided after 4 dates with me that I just wasn't it... funny thing was he came back a few months later and wanted to give it another go.... but that's another story.

Anyho... I wouldn't let what this flaky guy did affect your self esteem. Sure, it stings a little bit but you will get past it... two dates isn't enough to really even get to know someone let alone get attached. I think you may have been more hung up on the "idea" of him rather than who he really is. You have to just get more confidence... and that comes from inside yourself, not from how some random guy treats you.

 

THANK YOU ALL - YOU ARE ALL HELPING A GREAT DEAL.

 

Sorry to hear this was done to you also. I am really frustrated.

 

I did text him. I knew I would, self control is lacking. It was almost good to do it - a release.

 

Of course he has not replied. i dont know what i even expected.

 

But for some reason I had to tell myself that I gave it a last go. I had to lose a bit more dignity. I waited a week and nothing so I texted him.

 

I have looked back on past men i have "pursued"...even at the email/online talking stage - I have got myself into a right state when they do not respond etc.

 

Not sure what i can do - i find it hard to change.

 

I feel slightly relieved to have texted him - i m not sure why..

[tkgirl]

THANK YOU ALL - YOU ARE ALL HELPING A GREAT DEAL.

 

Sorry to hear this was done to you also. I am really frustrated.

 

I did text him. I knew I would, self control is lacking. It was almost good to do it - a release.

 

Of course he has not replied. i dont know what i even expected.

 

But for some reason I had to tell myself that I gave it a last go. I had to lose a bit more dignity. I waited a week and nothing so I texted him.

 

I have looked back on past men i have "pursued"...even at the email/online talking stage - I have got myself into a right state when they do not respond etc.

 

Not sure what i can do - i find it hard to change.

 

I feel slightly relieved to have texted him - i m not sure why..

 

well, maybe take a break from online dating.. or if you can go into it with the attitude you're just doing it to meet new people, have fun and NOT to find a boyfriend.

I found that the online thing wasn't really for me... this guy was the first guy ever I met that way and I didn't expect to fall so hard... it was weird. Anyho, after him I made myself go out with a few more guys but they never amounted to much. It was when I took a 6 month break and went back on the same site is when guy #1 contacted me again... and we ended up dating again and even got a little more serious the second time around. Not suggesting you do that if this guy decides to come around again.. it's just you never know where people are at when you first start dating.. especially online.

anyho.. try your best to forget about him... you sent that last text, maybe it felt good to do that because it gave you closure and now you can move on!

[spookie]

i dont often say this, but i think you could use a lot of therapy.