Disappearance - a common theme

[so gutted]

I met a guy twice and he has disappeared on me. First date was good (in my opinion). He asked me what I wanted etc and then agreed that we could meet once a week. he did not contact me for 3 days. On the third day I texted him. He then mentioned meeting again. On the day we were supposed to meet, he siad a work do had come up and that I could meet him after it. He then went to the do. I waited around all evening and he got back to me late and suggested I come down. As I had spent the whole day and evening waited I wanted to see him so I went to the do.

 

I met his colleagues etc, it was a very big industry do. He paid me compliments and said he was surprised I had come down but was very glad to see me. I said I would not come again at short notice and I like to know in advance what is going on. He agreed.He kept asking why someone like me was still single, as I was pretty, slim and educated. He had asked this on date one also.

 

He also mentioned going away for a weekend etc. He kept going back to his suspicion as to why I was single. He asked for specific examples so I told him about a random guy who I dated and why he was not suitable. I kept it vague.

 

The last I heard from him was a text after the event (which I think was forced) saying that he really liked me.

 

Nothing for 3 days.

 

I am baffled, why did he encourage me with talk about weekends etc and compliment me openly if he was not interested. After all the effort I made I get nothing in return.

 

I am not contacting him again. I made the effort and he allowed me to. What have I done wrong?

 

I mentioned that calling etc was a mans job and he said maybe he had not been a man for a while. He also jokingly said on date one - he was gay. I am beginning to wonder if he is.

 

Where is he??? What have i done wrong?

 

I am sick of putting my neck on the line and being rejected.

 

Is there such a thing as being too good ??

[123BeachFan]

Let this one go and move on. It's been said many times before, if a guy's really into you, he'll find a way to call/text and he'll make sure to work you into his schedule.

 

It sounds like the colleague work party was a spontaneous invitation on his part, he doesn't get his marks for that one. Now, he's not going out of his way to ask you out again, so that that for what it's worth.

 

Also, him asking why a girl like you is single is a vague question, and try not to read anything into it.

[so gutted]

Why would he talk about booking a weekend away ? is that something you just say in conversation? He led me to believe we were going to meet again and now i am waiting....

[2sunny]

Why would he talk about booking a weekend away ? is that something you just say in conversation? He led me to believe we were going to meet again and now i am waiting....

 

just keep waiting. do not contact him first.

 

he needs to chase if he's interested... men who are THAT interested chase.

 

do not agree to a weekend away - that is his sneaky way of wanting too soon sex without making any effort for you and the relationship. he wants to see what you will give him and how soon he can get it.

 

i think he's not worthy... but that's just from my own experience.

[BobSacamento]

I would not suggest waiting for him. That's probably a poor way to go about it. What are you supposed to do? Wait by the phone 24/7. Granted, you should not have texted him. That text to him read like this: "He buddy you're screwing this up dumbass." It comes off as pushy even if it's not intentional. Just let the guy do his thing but don't hold your breath.

[Chicago_Guy]

How old is the OP? I find that women are usually far more suspicious of men being single than men are of women being single.

[Jilly Bean]

What did you do wrong?

 

You continue to get involved with the same guys, and the same situations, over and over.

 

Men that are lukewarm towards you, and men that you do all the work for. Men that show signs of being not exactly whole or well, yet you keep pursuing them.

 

When you stop going after guys who aren't very interested, and then being upset when it doesn't work out, things will change.

 

But, as long as you continue to get all worked up over guys who are clearly not interested, troubles will remain.

 

Try letting a guy pursue YOU.

 

Watch the movie (or read the book) He's Just Not That Into You. I think you'd find it helpful.

[Mary3]

I met a guy twice and he has disappeared on me.

First date was good (in my opinion).

 

In your opinion the date was goood..............He asked me what I wanted etc and then agreed that we could meet once a week. he did not contact me for 3 days. On the third day I texted him. He then mentioned meeting again. On the day we were supposed to meet, he siad a work do had come up and that I could meet him after it. He then went to the do. I waited around all evening and he got back to me late and suggested I come down. As I had spent the whole day and evening waited I wanted to see him so I went to the do.

 

I met his colleagues etc, it was a very big industry do. He paid me compliments and said he was surprised I had come down but was very glad to see me. I said I would not come again at short notice and I like to know in advance what is going on. He agreed.He kept asking why someone like me was still single, as I was pretty, slim and educated. He had asked this on date one also.

 

He also mentioned going away for a weekend etc. He kept going back to his suspicion as to why I was single. He asked for specific examples so I told him about a random guy who I dated and why he was not suitable. I kept it vague.

 

The last I heard from him was a text after the event (which I think was forced) saying that he really liked me.

 

Nothing for 3 days.

 

I am baffled, why did he encourage me with talk about weekends etc and compliment me openly if he was not interested. After all the effort I made I get nothing in return.

 

I am not contacting him again. I made the effort and he allowed me to. What have I done wrong?

 

I mentioned that calling etc was a mans job and he said maybe he had not been a man for a while. He also jokingly said on date one - he was gay. I am beginning to wonder if he is.

 

Where is he??? What have i done wrong?

 

I am sick of putting my neck on the line and being rejected.

 

Is there such a thing as being too good ??

 

In your opinion the date was good.

 

You text him after 3 days. Big NO NO. He wonders why you are so eager ?

 

He blows you off for work instead.

 

You WAITED around ALL evening . Yikes. I am sure he knew that too. A girl with no life or plans. You should have gone on with your fabulous day and evening and FOUND things to do instead of staring at your phone...

 

He invited you to the event because he felt you were being buggy and if you looked attractive he could show you off....Kinda of like a toy...

 

He KEEPS saying why are you single ? He thinks you are DEFECTIVE in some way...

 

You should always say : YES I am very happily single " when a guy like that asks

 

He is feeling you out to see if likely at the least you end up in bed with him as the lonely desperate girl who does not let the man take the lead.

 

I did not write these things to be mean. Its all lessons learned in the dating world.

 

Have a fabulous life even if its doing laundry. Never let the guy know you are lonely . You are waiting. They may just take advantage of you but not in a way you like.

[befreckled]

Why would he talk about booking a weekend away ? is that something you just say in conversation? He led me to believe we were going to meet again and now i am waiting....

 

I've learnt not to listen to what they say and trust what they do. Silence is reason enough for you to understand that he wants nothing to do with you regardless of what he said. He could have planned a trip to Aspen! Does not matter, did he call? No? Unless he got run over by a car *knock on wood* which has the likelihood of 0.000001%, the guy just is not interested.

 

Think about the last time you dated someone and it became a relationship, was it you sitting down analysing the little gritty details..wondering why he never called etc? I'll bet the answer is no. Because, it shouldn't be this hard. If a guy likes you, he'll call/contact you..climb over mountains to make sure he makes his interest clear.

[so gutted]

What did you do wrong?

 

You continue to get involved with the same guys, and the same situations, over and over.

 

Men that are lukewarm towards you, and men that you do all the work for. Men that show signs of being not exactly whole or well, yet you keep pursuing them.

 

When you stop going after guys who aren't very interested, and then being upset when it doesn't work out, things will change.

 

But, as long as you continue to get all worked up over guys who are clearly not interested, troubles will remain.

 

Try letting a guy pursue YOU.

 

Watch the movie (or read the book) He's Just Not That Into You. I think you'd find it helpful.

 

HOLD ON - HOLD ON - Where exactly are these guys that will pursue me? The last guy that pursued me was a stalker that I had to report to the police.

 

What about these women that are coupled up - how do they get there? Are you telling me they do not call or text the guy, cling on???? I bet they are all using the same tactics as me. IF they are not then they have access to men that are decent, attractive and well mannnered that call on time...i doubt it.

 

These men do not exist.

 

I have not had a relationship where the man pursues - if he is pursuing its usually because he is not my type.

[so gutted]

In your opinion the date was good.

 

You text him after 3 days. Big NO NO. He wonders why you are so eager ?

 

He is feeling you out to see if likely at the least you end up in bed with him as the lonely desperate girl who does not let the man take the lead.

 

I did not write these things to be mean. Its all lessons learned in the dating world.

 

Have a fabulous life even if its doing laundry. Never let the guy know you are lonely . You are waiting. They may just take advantage of you but not in a way you like.

 

OK EXCEPT MAYBE i have learnt something - I did not go home with him, even though he hinted at it the first date and the second time. I could have fallen into the trap of trying to "trap" him in a physical sense, but I didnt. I got the same result. I might as well have had the fun.

 

I feel so low. At work I was quiet all day, depressed. I feel embaressed for letting it get to me, for letting it hurt me so physically. How do I snap out of this?

[Kamille]

""Trap" him in the physical sense?" What is that? Is that a thing? I didn't realize that there were still dads out there who forced boys to marry their girls for taking their virginity!

 

I have to say, So Gutted, this is indeed a recurrent theme. I'm guessing you probably come off as too intense.

 

What do you talk about on your dates? Do you talk about yourself, your passions and interests? do you get to know him? Do you focus on being yourself, believing that, in the end, you want to be with someone who loves you for you?

 

And I think Mary3 makes a lot of very good points. This is a great opportunity to learn new ways of dating that might make the process easier for you.

[so gutted]

""Trap" him in the physical sense?" What is that? Is that a thing? I didn't realize that there were still dads out there who forced boys to marry their girls for taking their virginity!

 

I have to say, So Gutted, this is indeed a recurrent theme. I'm guessing you probably come off as too intense.

 

What do you talk about on your dates? Do you talk about yourself, your passions and interests? do you get to know him? Do you focus on being yourself, believing that, in the end, you want to be with someone who loves you for you?

 

And I think Mary3 makes a lot of very good points. This is a great opportunity to learn new ways of dating that might make the process easier for you.

 

i mean many women think if they have sex (quickly or whenever) this will keep the man coming back...i didnt go back to his OR go down that road...what I am saying is - this would be a different thread if i had.

 

By holding back - I got the same result as I would have had i slept with him - NOTHING.

 

We talked about interests, families.

 

I kept saying I dont get why you do not have a man. It was almost disbelief and suspicion. He then pushed for an answer. All I know is this has taken the wind out of my sails. Finally I thought I could work with him.

 

His last words were - i really like you.

 

Maybe its because he has a huge circle of friends - he doesnt need me.

[so gutted]

Is there any way i can get honest answers out of him?

[tigressA]

What about these women that are coupled up - how do they get there? Are you telling me they do not call or text the guy, cling on???? I bet they are all using the same tactics as me. IF they are not then they have access to men that are decent, attractive and well mannnered that call on time...i doubt it.

 

These men do not exist.

 

Your attitude has got to change if you want to have a good relationship. No, not every woman who's coupled up has used the same "tactics" you do--women who are in good relationships with good men have positive attitudes, lead full lives, don't play games, and above all, get involved with men who exhibit clear interest in having a relationship with them and don't settle for crumbs. Good men do exist--other women have them, and there are unclaimed ones out there. You won't get one if you keep up with what you've been doing.

Edited April 27, 2010 by tigressA

[so gutted]

Your attitude has got to change if you want to have a good relationship. No, not every woman who's coupled up has used the same "tactics" you do--women who are in good relationships with good men have positive attitudes, lead full lives, don't play games, and above all, get involved with men who exhibit clear interest in having a relationship with them and don't settle for crumbs.

 

If taht is true they must have got lucky fast by meeting these men very quickly or they are doing the above but it may not be obvious to you. OR I am totally mad, and only meet uninterested men.

 

Something isnt right here.

 

Why is it that I am single and you are blaming me? isnt it his fault that he has cut off??? shouldnt he be accountable for talking about meeting up, plans etc???

[ADF]

Say this to yourself as many times as you have to: "I did nothing wrong."

 

The disappearing act is one of the lowest, cruelest, most craven and cowardly moves people pull. Frankly, I think anyone who does that deserves a beating. Why do they do it? Because, unfortunately, the world if full of people who are all about manking things as easy on themselves as possible. Other people's feelings don't count. This man lost interest for whatever reason. Rather than man up and tell you, he decided to slink away like a snake, say nothing, and spare himself from having a difficult conversation with you. People like him are trash. You deserve better.

[TouchedByViolet]

Do you go for the really good looking guys or player types that have many options?

 

If a girl is at least ok looking, with a decent personality, and not psycho she should be able to find a bf without too much difficulty.

[so gutted]

Say this to yourself as many times as you have to: "I did nothing wrong."

 

The disappearing act is one of the lowest, cruelest, most craven and cowardly moves people pull. Frankly, I think anyone who does that deserves a beating. Why do they do it? Because, unfortunately, the world if full of people who are all about manking things as easy on themselves as possible. Other people's feelings don't count. This man lost interest for whatever reason. Rather than man up and tell you, he decided to slink away like a snake, say nothing, and spare himself from having a difficult conversation with you. People like him are trash. You deserve better.

 

lol that is excellent. Shouldnt he be made to explain??? I am baffeled - shouldnt i say - "so when are we going to Florida then - have you booked the tickets?" - which is what he proposed?.

 

I am waiting like an idoit - its clear but unclear.

[janie423]

i mean many women think if they have sex (quickly or whenever) this will keep the man coming back...i didnt go back to his OR go down that road...what I am saying is - this would be a different thread if i had.

 

By holding back - I got the same result as I would have had i slept with him - NOTHING.

 

 

 

How would you have felt if you had sex with him and then he never called back?

[so gutted]

How would you have felt if you had sex with him and then he never called back?

 

worse - used and silly and small.

[tigressA]

lol that is excellent. Shouldnt he be made to explain??? I am baffeled - shouldnt i say - "so when are we going to Florida then - have you booked the tickets?" - which is what he proposed?.

 

I am waiting like an idoit - its clear but unclear.

 

The guy's a jerk, and in an ideal world there would be an explanation, but in reality, he's not obligated to explain so quit waiting for him to do so, and don't bother contacting him again. Quit waiting, period. Move on, meet other guys. You're settling for crumbs, and this is not the way to end up in the kind of relationship that you want.

 

It's not so much a matter of continuing to meet uninterested men, it's that you pursue them and wait around for them even though they're not interested, and that you dwell on it instead of moving on and making an effort to meet guys who do express clear interest in you. So yes, you are part of the problem here. Once you see that and take the suggestions here that have been given to you by other posters, then things will change.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I met a guy twice and he has disappeared on me. First date was good (in my opinion). He asked me what I wanted etc and then agreed that we could meet once a week. he did not contact me for 3 days. On the third day I texted him. He then mentioned meeting again. On the day we were supposed to meet, he siad a work do had come up and that I could meet him after it. He then went to the do. I waited around all evening and he got back to me late and suggested I come down. As I had spent the whole day and evening waited I wanted to see him so I went to the do.

 

 

 

Is there such a thing as being too good ??

 

Well ... no matter what the guy "said," you sure are putting a lot of emphasis on your dealings with him considering that you only saw him TWO TIMES.

 

People say all kinds of things. Some people are full of bull.

 

OP, something right at the beginning of your post really struck me as rather odd. He asked you what you wanted, and then you agreed that you could meet once a week? On what grounds? It sounds like you "set up" a relationship with parameters but with no actual bonding behind it.

 

I understand how bad it feels when guys do the disappearing thing, but it is so, so common. I dated a lot from Internet sites and had it happen. Sometimes it was clear that there was no potential, and other times it seemed that there was a lot of potential and both of us recognized it ... but some guys just like to take the easy way out, and after all is said and done, a couple of meetings don't really add up to that much.

 

In this case, obviously he's not interested enough. Leave it alone or else it will be YOU who's the stalkerish person. Just date more and don't get all freaked out about this.

 

Just fyi, I ended up meeting a wonderful sweetheart finally. We are going to get married, even! Also, I met two other great guys (who weren't creepy stalkers) who just were not the right guys. Along with the disappearing asshats. After all is said and done, I'm happy that they disappeared!

[Mary3]

OK EXCEPT MAYBE i have learnt something - I did not go home with him, even though he hinted at it the first date and the second time. I could have fallen into the trap of trying to "trap" him in a physical sense, but I didnt. I got the same result. I might as well have had the fun.

 

I feel so low. At work I was quiet all day, depressed. I feel embaressed for letting it get to me, for letting it hurt me so physically. How do I snap out of this?

 

Believe me when I say : He can smell your desperation. You may dispute what I say and tell me you are not desperate....But even if INSIDE you feel a gut wrenching need to have someone in your life , ALWAYS show at least on the outside , that you can take or leave him..

 

You wonder : How do girls effortlessly have relationships and keep them and their lives ? ..because its a certain mentality. Have you ever known a woman who could not keep a R going to save her life ? She has LOTS to learn. Someday she can , she needs to listen to advice. Its critical !

 

What to DO at this point. Let HIM take the lead. Him calling. Him texting. Him kissing you first. Him asking for another date. Don't DO it yourself. It takes the fun and work out of for him. Despite what you say men want to LEAD the R....

[so gutted]

Believe me when I say : He can smell your desperation. You may dispute what I say and tell me you are not desperate....But even if INSIDE you feel a gut wrenching need to have someone in your life , ALWAYS show at least on the outside , that you can take or leave him..

 

You wonder : How do girls effortlessly have relationships and keep them and their lives ? ..because its a certain mentality. Have you ever known a woman who could not keep a R going to save her life ? She has LOTS to learn. Someday she can , she needs to listen to advice. Its critical !

 

What to DO at this point. Let HIM take the lead. Him calling. Him texting. Him kissing you first. Him asking for another date. Don't DO it yourself. It takes the fun and work out of for him. Despite what you say men want to LEAD the R....

 

the bastard kissed me on date one....thats why i am FUMING.