djsmith Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Condensed version: My parter of 6 year lost her teenage nephew in an atv accident July 26, 2009 -our life was rolling along nicely before, lots of love &laugher -I didnt go to funeral, was told by her not to have since learned she was deeply hurt by that and told me not to come cuz she knew I didnt like funerals, she has since been called out on this by family & friends. -she went to his football teams final game in December, since that time it has been a fast downward spiral -she has shut everyone out except a few work people because "they dont talk about anything important I can just forget everything" -she has completely thrown herself into work, taking on extra duties and basically going til she drops -things were real tense at home, i'm a nuturer (?) toucher/fixer and would basically stalk her around the house making sure she was ok (her & kids called me on this often) -she told me often that this had nothing to do with US she just was lost and the more I crowded her the more she pushed me away, knew it was wrong & hurtful to me but didnt know how to stop. -Has said the only thing she's sure of is us (now she's not so sure because I didnt go to funeral) -she has made a few hurtful comments to me, which from what I've read about grief is perfectly normal but we will discuss it -her family is an emotional wreck, her sister (mom of nephew who died) had told her months before he died she wished her (my partner) dead but now calls constantly to lean on her -other nephew (brother of deceased) is sooo lost, mom too absorbed in her own grief, has turned to drugs/alcohol thrown in jail for dui... -her parents, never really there for her are now telling her she needs to "fix him" -intense guilt for not "fixing" deceased and now more guilt cuz she's so far away from the other and cant "fix" him (seriously would benefit from counseling) -she found a small apt. efficiency and moved out, mutual decision, March 10. By moved out I mean basic household supplies and clothes, nothing more. -I did feel a sense of relief when she moved and have done very well on not stalking (lol) or calling/texting more than once a week. -she has come to dinner a few times and calls once a week however have not seen her the past 2 wks -when I am strong it does have a good direct affect on her -I have always had a "doomsday" attitude, always waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak, I'm really working on that. -she was always positive, and now is so sad sounding -she has shut everyone out of her life but one new friend -I truly believe she is/has been/will be faithful to me and has simply created a safe coccoon for herself to heal the best she knows how. I've really tried to give her space but is it too late? I really dont have any idea how she feels towards me, she is not the same person she was before he passed and I'm so confused. Yes I still love her and want her home but I also know it will take effort on both of our parts to make it work, if she wants it too.
phineas Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 -she has shut everyone out of her life but one new friend -I truly believe she is/has been/will be faithful to me and has simply created a safe coccoon for herself to heal the best she knows how. is the new friend a man?
mimidarlin Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 DJ...I am so sorry for this difficult time. Tragedy in a family can bring us together or tear us apart. Many of us shut down and focus on work/school so that we don't have to think about the tragedy. Counseling seems in order for everyone but maybe a group that focuses on bereavement would help your wife. It seems that her family has not helped her to learn to express herself or deal with pain. There is a lot of guilt to go around and that isn't helping anyone. All you can do is try to stay strong for yourself and let her know that you are there for her. The grieving process can take a great deal of time. Buy some books on it to read for yourself and for her. Research bereavement groups in your area. You can't fix her or force her to do anything but you can leave doors open for her to walk through when she is ready. I hope that this tragedy doesn't result in the end of your marriage. She wanted you at the funeral but felt bad about asking. She wanted you to know that you should do this for her. Look at some of Gundy's posts about how men and women communicate differently. He recommends a lot of books that might be useful. I think the death of my father in law was the beginning of the end of my marriage. My husband shut down so completely that it was terrifying. I wanted to help him but I couldn't so I went into a downward spiral as well. Several crises happened in a short time and I lost my father a couple years after he did. I knew that the death of a close relative, especially a parent, could rock your world. But I didn't KNOW it until I experienced it. Antidepressants might be in order for your wife. They should hide the pain but they should help make it easier to manage so she can find her way out of the fog. Best wishes...
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Affair, Depression, MLC? Who really knows, start digging, trust but verify. If she doesnt want to come home how long are you willing to wait.
PWSX3 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I would highly recommend you talking to someone that deals with people going thru a death. I think Hospice has classes.... When me & my former wife tried getting back together her best friend had just passed away & I had NO clue what that does to a person until after we split up I was talking to my friend who had just lost his mom & he finally shared with me how it affects someone. Luckily he had done some of the classes, which he said saved his life because he was so depressed...... She really needs to see someone, she is using work to hide what is going on & if she doesn't address this issue then you will lose your marriage.... The down side about this is I'm sure she won't listen to you & doesn't sound like the family is helping much either so I'm not sure how to approach her. That is why I suggest you see someone that deal with this all the time & have them help you out.
Author djsmith Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Thank you all so much. I am in counseling and have read numerous articles and books. I have never lost anyone close and completely used the wrong words when talking to her as it sounds like you did mimidarlin. I have since told her that I do not "understand" anything about this however I understand that she's hurt and I wasn't there. I trusted what she said about not going instead of just showing up and I have apologized profusely for this. Past is past though and we can only move forward. I cant push, change, or tell her what to do but I believe she knows how I feel and that I am here. Chrome Barricuda you asked How long am I willing to wait? Well, I'm not "waiting" any longer but my heart will always be open to her I have told her I am letting her go and I have, I only contact her on an as needed basis (bills and such) which is seldom as I dont NEED her I love her. I'm not sure what MLC is. When she does call I am actually listening and asking follow-up questions from previous conversations, tell her I'm proud when she's accomplished something and really make the conversations about her. It shouldnt make a difference but just to clarify, we are both women. I was a single mom for years before I met her and she swooped in and has always been the strong supportive one while I tended to be quieter emotional one. She doesnt handle tears well and I certainly have given her plenty of those through all this. I'm working on finding that strong confident woman she fell in love with and learning how to support her in different ways (instead of the clean house, dinner, sex type ways). It's a whole other world verbal vs physical. Thank you all for your responses, feel free to keep them coming I have a ways to go still but I will make it regardless.
mimidarlin Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 MLC = mid life crisis Sometimes we enter these because we aren't happy with where our life is going in general. Momentous events can spur us into reassessing our goals...life etc. A committed relationship is a committed relationship. From my perspective legal marriage give me the protection of a contract. Though it's a statement of loving someone it's also protection of the investment of our time and money. When a couple splits it is rarely amicable and we fight for what we think is our "half". Work on finding that strong confident woman again. I'm finding mine. It's not the same woman that I was in my early 20's but seed of confidence was always in me. Now my life isn't revolving around trying to please someone. It leaves me at loose ends sometimes but it's starting to feel good.
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