DolceVenganza Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I was talking with a co-worker about my bosses X-wife. I work in a tight-knit office and had asked why my boss was divorced and then remarried. His prior relationships and its problems became a public affraid in the office because on numerous occasions his X-wife had actually come to the office and assaulted him, be it punching or slapping. I was rather taken aback, not figuring my boss to actually wed a woman like that. Come to find out, she had many issues (obviously) that included but were not limited to a history of sexual abuse, which likely reared its head in their relationship. I wondered...if it ended so badly, how did he miss the signs when going into the relationship?? This got me to thinking... --------------------------------------- My most recent and now past long-term relationship had bouts of physical contact or assault. I never really thought much about them, but as a guy my reflexes had to develop over time a sort of restraint because it's a fight or flight response that makes me want to hit, tackle, punch or slap something back when I am hit in a way that is violent or aggressive. (Simple contact draws no energy, but pain or contact in certain parts, like the balls or face will). Examples: - I was at a wedding and she was very angry, for no good reason, and had had a few drinks. Out of her frustration she grabbed both of my arms and dug her hands and nails in as hard as possible. It didn't hurt physically; it hurt emotionally and mentally. When I looked at then later I had baseball-sized black and blue marks. I didn't even touch her in response. I walked away. - Many times in bed, if we had gone to bed on bad terms, she would still want to hook up or have sex. I wouldn't. I certainly wasn't going to risk pregnancy on those terms. She would be upset and rip the sheets off, try to mount me, grab my face and force kissing, or just outright grab me and essentially push herself on me. A few times I pushed her off of me onto the bed or the floor. She would often fake crying or an injury to make me the villain or make light of the situation. - On different occasions when we fought she would be relentless, such as follow me around and keep the fight going, get up in my face or even grab my face with her hands. My normal response was to yell back, but that often did nothing but keep her going. When a bad fight/mood broke out, she was like a runaway train and no amount of logic would hold her back. My typical response was to defend myself or just be angry and punch a wall or door and she would cower away(I hate admitting this and realize in writing this I am glad it is over). - On a few occasions, in defending myself she did end up hurt or bruised, such as when I pushed her off me or restrained her hands from hitting me. Another time she was slamming the door at my apartment very loudly and aggressively (to the point it was causing damage to the wall and would wake the neighbors), that I pushed her off the door only to have her fall forward into the stairs going up and bruise her knee badly. I felt horrible and took care of her, but anymore noise and disruption would have woke the neighbors and chanced the cops. My rationale was that any normal girl would not have done that and I was only trying to stop her foolishness, not hurt her. -------------------------------------- It hurts to see the girl that I once loved as having done such wildly outrageous things, but when I was reminded of my boss's relationship, I find myself wondering 'how' is it possible people get married if the divorced ended so differently? DV
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 At what point does physical contact become abuse? When it is "repeated and unwanted"
D-Lish Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Your ex had issues- serious issues. You asked how your boss didn't see it coming- but I am sure he did. He just chose to ignore it because he was caught up in other emotions at the time. Your ex exhibited the signs, but you stuck it out for a time. Probably because it was easy to dismiss the incidents as "out of character moments". You didn't react wrongly with regard to your ex. When someone freaks out, restraining them is a natural reaction. Punching a wall is a much better alternative than punching your partner. If your partner chose to have a violent attack on your door and wake the neighbours, the restraint was probably necessary. It's BS to hear people say they can't control themselves, because they can. Your ex chose not to control herself. She is at fault for that.
carhill Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 if it ended so badly, how did he miss the signs when going into the relationship?? People mask. Given the woman's history of sexual abuse, masking (and possibly mental illness) is/was a likely scenario. After many years and numerous experiences, when I get a whiff of that kind of history, I start looking for an exit. My therapist days are *over* IMO, the best action is to handle it like a 5150 - distract and diffuse, then get out. Don't think it can be 'fixed'; IME, it can't.
Recommended Posts