EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I have obviously thought a lot about things since my ex broke up with me, and I don't know, maybe i just got some clarity on things, and i thought i may as well share it with you. 1) the thing that really bothers me is that we both still agreed that '99%' of the time, we made each other happy. I think that is why I'm struggling as that is something she has consistently said to me, even since the break-up, and I don't think it is just to make me feel better, she said it with real regret, as if she wishes that could be enough. 2) the problem I have is that it all feels like it was the events rather than feelings which caused things to finally end for good. Even after she broke up with me, I feel like each time, we took the wrong decisions, me giving her space made her miss me, but also made me feel distant from me, and in the end, when we did try to get back, it was that distance which she couldn't get over. Almost as if the original reason wasn't enough for her not to be with me, but it was what happened after the break-up which convinced her. I know it is usual to have regrets, and nothing is really gained by wishing you had done things differently, you cannot change the past, but it is still frustrating. I don't think things were in essence big enough to break us up originally, it was just that the break-up was the thing that convinced her. We were so close before, so suddenly, not seeing me, she felt so distant, and when we got back, she couldn't take that things were awkward, even though it was understandable, as the thing which set us apart from most couples i know was how close we were. it is the fact that she didn't want to fight for it, she said she still loved me and had such strong feelings for me, missed me all the time, every day, but she wasn't willing to see if things would be different... I guess it is the chicken/egg argument, and it is something most of us will never come up with an answer for...
northstar1 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 it is the fact that she didn't want to fight for it, she said she still loved me and had such strong feelings for me, missed me all the time, every day, but she wasn't willing to see if things would be different... I guess it is the chicken/egg argument, and it is something most of us will never come up with an answer for... This is the part you need to accept. This is the hardest part in the acceptance stage. That despite feelings, they are not willing to fight for it. That is what is the hardest part with my ex. Despite how good things were most of the time, she wasn't wiling to fight for it in the end. Everything else means nothing if they aren't willing to.
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 but if someone loves someone, admits that person makes them happier than they ever have been, misses them all the time, wonders what they are doing all the time (all of this i believe she said while being totally genuine)... how can they walk away from that? Can someone makes sense of this for me? I could understand if she said something was missing, but she said there wasn't... she said we were totally compatible for a relationship... and this was after we split...
DenverBachelor Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I have obviously thought a lot about things since my ex broke up with me, and I don't know, maybe i just got some clarity on things, and i thought i may as well share it with you. 1) the thing that really bothers me is that we both still agreed that '99%' of the time, we made each other happy. I think that is why I'm struggling as that is something she has consistently said to me, even since the break-up, and I don't think it is just to make me feel better, she said it with real regret, as if she wishes that could be enough. 2) the problem I have is that it all feels like it was the events rather than feelings which caused things to finally end for good. Even after she broke up with me, I feel like each time, we took the wrong decisions, me giving her space made her miss me, but also made me feel distant from me, and in the end, when we did try to get back, it was that distance which she couldn't get over. Almost as if the original reason wasn't enough for her not to be with me, but it was what happened after the break-up which convinced her. I know it is usual to have regrets, and nothing is really gained by wishing you had done things differently, you cannot change the past, but it is still frustrating. I don't think things were in essence big enough to break us up originally, it was just that the break-up was the thing that convinced her. We were so close before, so suddenly, not seeing me, she felt so distant, and when we got back, she couldn't take that things were awkward, even though it was understandable, as the thing which set us apart from most couples i know was how close we were. it is the fact that she didn't want to fight for it, she said she still loved me and had such strong feelings for me, missed me all the time, every day, but she wasn't willing to see if things would be different... I guess it is the chicken/egg argument, and it is something most of us will never come up with an answer for... 1. People break up with other people based on their reasons and not your own. You need to accept that. However you felt about the relationship, they must have felt very differently or else they would still be with you. 2. It doesn't matter what the reasons were, they broke up with you. They quit -- you didn't. You need to accept that, move on with your life and cut the strings free. Sometimes in life, people will fold a solid poker hand when they feel a better one is across the table. Sometimes they're wrong and sometimes they're right. People do weird things based on instinct, fear, love, confusion and personal turmoil. You don't know what elements of which contributed to their decision, but once they make it, you need to accept it and move on. You DON'T want to be with someone who is like that. There are plenty of people in the world that will fight through the bad times and understand that love does evolve into a never-ending challenge. Most people don't understand that aspect of love and therefore most people will waffle in relationships their entire lives. You don't need to be a part of that. You'll never know exactly why they made that decision, but what you do know without doubt is that when someone does leave you, they're out of your life and lose all the privileges of being with you. You're a great person and that's all you need to know. If someone else can't understand that then that is their problem and not yours. Expending energy on what-if's and how-come's is counter-productive to your moving forward so stop picking through the mess and leave that in the past.
dreamer0123 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 but if someone loves someone, admits that person makes them happier than they ever have been, misses them all the time, wonders what they are doing all the time (all of this i believe she said while being totally genuine)... how can they walk away from that? Can someone makes sense of this for me? I could understand if she said something was missing, but she said there wasn't... she said we were totally compatible for a relationship... and this was after we split... I think the EXACT same thing all the time.. My ex said the same thing to me- how he missed me, how the holidays were hard, etc... The thing that helps me deal with this thought (a little anyways) is that I realize I can't control how my ex feels or what he wants.. I know I gave him everything I could and deep down somewhere he will realize what he had... So - be happy that you did EVERYTHING you could to keep the relationship alive- after that unforunately- there isn't anything else we can do.
lullaby Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Look. If there's one thing I have learned is that experience is wise. I mean, I'm 26 and my ex is only 22. He left me arguing that he couldn't cope with our differences, and the bad moments we had during our holiday (quite a coincidence right?) and at that second I felt he was quitting and deciding not to fight for us. I'm used to fighting and making the relationship work because I know it's not easy. But, as much as that hurts, he feels that way and one can't change that. It will take time for him to realize what he lost and when he see he's having the same or new arguments with his next girlfriend, he will realize that life is not perfect and that it could have been perfect with me because it's not easy to fall in love. At least, that's what I think to comfort myself. You can't change her mind. I was a dumper once and I fought till the end and when I said it was over, it wasn't really, but it was too late for a change though. I don't know if what I'm saying helps you in any way, but my point is that you can't change whatever is in her head, she has to see it for herself. You know you have your flaws and probably made your mistakes, but we are human, if she loves you enough, she will see it and fight for you, if not, then, happy you, because you won't be wasting your time waiting for someone that doesn't appreciate what you truly are. Hope it helps!!
freckles3131 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Look. If there's one thing I have learned is that experience is wise. I mean, I'm 26 and my ex is only 22. He left me arguing that he couldn't cope with our differences, and the bad moments we had during our holiday (quite a coincidence right?) and at that second I felt he was quitting and deciding not to fight for us. I'm used to fighting and making the relationship work because I know it's not easy. But, as much as that hurts, he feels that way and one can't change that. It will take time for him to realize what he lost and when he see he's having the same or new arguments with his next girlfriend, he will realize that life is not perfect and that it could have been perfect with me because it's not easy to fall in love. At least, that's what I think to comfort myself. You can't change her mind. I was a dumper once and I fought till the end and when I said it was over, it wasn't really, but it was too late for a change though. I don't know if what I'm saying helps you in any way, but my point is that you can't change whatever is in her head, she has to see it for herself. You know you have your flaws and probably made your mistakes, but we are human, if she loves you enough, she will see it and fight for you, if not, then, happy you, because you won't be wasting your time waiting for someone that doesn't appreciate what you truly are.Hope it helps!! I totally agree! Excellent perspective and it has helped me to read this as well.
northstar1 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Look. If there's one thing I have learned is that experience is wise. I mean, I'm 26 and my ex is only 22. He left me arguing that he couldn't cope with our differences, and the bad moments we had during our holiday (quite a coincidence right?) and at that second I felt he was quitting and deciding not to fight for us. I'm used to fighting and making the relationship work because I know it's not easy. But, as much as that hurts, he feels that way and one can't change that. It will take time for him to realize what he lost and when he see he's having the same or new arguments with his next girlfriend, he will realize that life is not perfect and that it could have been perfect with me because it's not easy to fall in love. At least, that's what I think to comfort myself. You can't change her mind. I was a dumper once and I fought till the end and when I said it was over, it wasn't really, but it was too late for a change though. I don't know if what I'm saying helps you in any way, but my point is that you can't change whatever is in her head, she has to see it for herself. You know you have your flaws and probably made your mistakes, but we are human, if she loves you enough, she will see it and fight for you, if not, then, happy you, because you won't be wasting your time waiting for someone that doesn't appreciate what you truly are. Hope it helps!! Wow, this truly hit home for me. It describes what happened with my ex.
lullaby Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks, guys. It's just that I was a dumper once in my life and unfortunately, nothing my ex could say, would make me change my mind. Over time, I realized that I had lost someone really special and when I wanted to get back together with him, he had a new girlfriend and had started over so I understood and walked away. I hope the same won't happen with my actual ex bf because I don't want to move to someone else, but I do remember there was nothing my ex could do to make me change my thoughts.
northstar1 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 Thanks, guys. It's just that I was a dumper once in my life and unfortunately, nothing my ex could say, would make me change my mind. Over time, I realized that I had lost someone really special and when I wanted to get back together with him, he had a new girlfriend and had started over so I understood and walked away. I hope the same won't happen with my actual ex bf because I don't want to move to someone else, but I do remember there was nothing my ex could do to make me change my thoughts. That's the struggle we all face. That the person we were with and loved has made an decision (often permanently) that they no longer want to be romantically attached to us, or they no longer want to fight for it. It's a blow to the ego. But as you said, you can't coerce, plead or convince someone that they made a mistake. They either realize this on their own or they don't. And it's realizing you are devoid of having any power to influence that decision honestly that makes letting go so hard.
cmichael16 Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I actually think my ex might come around, just take a few months or years and realize her mistake, but I am moving on and have let go of that hope. I am about 2 weeks NC at this point, even though her family has contacted me, I actually told her grandma last night that if she realizes her mistake and wnats to reconcile she has to tell me in no uncertain terms that she realized her mistake and wants to put an effort and ask me if I am willing at that time. She even agreed it was a good approach. I am even talking to a woman I am interested in, and hoping it leads somewhere.
GrayClouds Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 The problem for you and anyone else right after a break is that you can not trust your FEELINGS. The fact is your feeling way to much of everything and this distorts you thinking and reasoning. Right now what you feeling is the event and facts of the situation is being distorted by your heartache and at his point the more you ask question the the few answers you will have, they will just lead to more questions.
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