Manipulation or not committed?

[weeble78]

I'll try not to let this be long.

 

Short end of the story is, my bf of 5 months and I are supposed to be going away on our first holiday for my birthday. At his suggestion.

 

We decided this about a month ago, have looked at flights/hotel, but each time we do he says wait for this, wait for that, we'll book it in a few days.

 

Today he tells me he might not be able to afford it, but that he's checked the prices and they're fine. I replied that it was getting rather complicated with the constant checking prices and renegotiating when we were going to sort stuff out, and if he couldn't afford it we can postpone and I can arrange something with my friends. He took the highground when I said this and said he merely needs a few more days to get the money.

 

I checked the prices since, and they've doubled since we decided to go away.

 

I feel like he's blowing me off somewhat.

 

At the weekend we were out with friends and when he'd had a few drinks, I invited everyone to a gig around my birthday and his response was 'so you're actually inviting me?!'. The last gig I put on my Facebook as I was going to attend (without him), was a jazz thing and one night after looking at Facebook he made a comment about how much he likes jazz and would love to go to a gig.

 

When we first met he had a thing where he wouldn't let me go out on my own, but he wouldn't say directly. He'd happen to be there or invite himself along, to all girls things. This got annoying and I tried to be assertive and had to tell him I wanted only to be with the girls sometimes.

 

Anyway, the other thing is over the last few weeks I'm sure I've felt him pulling away and things feel a little different between us. E.g. yesterday he said he wanted to help me out with the garden but when it came down to it he said he wanted to go home and would help me in the week.

 

I get the feeling that if his feelings changed he wouldn't tell me.

 

What on earth do I do here? Am I being played? He tells me I'm the love of his life etc, and lately he's telling me that more and more yet it doesn't feel like it but not through lack of involvement from him.

 

I don't know whether to tell him, think about walking away - don't know what to do!!

 

If anybody could give me their opinion/advice I'd appreciate it - thank you x

[ReadyforLove]

What I have learned through these boards and just from life in general is that actions speak louder than words. He is saying that you are the love of his life but his actions are not aligned with this.

 

I would stop asking him about the vacation. If he really wanted to go he would be more involved with the planning/booking. Let him bring it up to you, this will let you know if he is really interested in going.

 

If you feel he is pulling away then he probably is. If you were to question him he would probably just tell you what you want to hear. My advice would be to get busy with other things. Work on your garden alone or with friends so he can see that you don't need him at all. If he is still interested in the relationship he will come back around but it sounds like he is starting to check out.

[phineas]

If you chipped in could you then afford the vacation?

It sounds like he just underestimated the cost of a vaction & doesn't have the money so he's been maybe laying low instead of just telling you?

[weeble78]

ReadyforLove

 

I have already been doing this - I did the whole garden by myself, I make sure I go out with just friends a lot of the time and do not invite him, I ensure I'm busy at least several nights of the week.

 

I can't let this go if he's already checked out, I need to hear this from him.

 

If anybody else agrees that this is what it sounds like, please let me know.

 

I don't understand why he was the one who wanted the vacation (which is supposed to be next week) yet he is the one who hasn't been on top of things.

 

I'm thinking I might go over his tonight and tell him I feel he is already pulling away and talk to him, maybe thinking about breaking up. I cannot handle waiting or hoping things might get better as I'm terrified of losing him.

 

Phineas

 

I was paying my half, and he earns twice as much as me. It is only a week holiday for less than 1/4 my monthly salary. Thanks for the optimism though..

[ReadyforLove]

If anybody else agrees that this is what it sounds like, please let me know.

 

He is the only one that can answer this question for you. How long have you noticed a change in him? Does he have other things going on that may be causing him stress outside of the relationship? (kids/job etc)

[weeble78]

Thank you for your reply.

 

It's been a couple of weeks, maybe longer than a month. He's had no extra stress in his life at all.

 

It all started from when we had a 'falling out'. I got frustrated and was finding it hard being in a relationship, sharing feelings with someone, was finding things difficult and I didn't know how to express this to him. One night, I was at his, I asked him if he would stay over my house more often, if we could sleep together more nights. He changed the subject. After he went to sleep I stayed awake 2 hours then got up to go home. He woke up. I explained I had to go cos I couldn't sleep. He asked why over and over and said there must be something wrong so I told him, I said I was finding it hard being in a relationship and relying on somebody, having somebody care for me etc (I was pretty confused). He thought I was trying to finish with him and got angry adn told me to leave. I left, called him, we talked and I went back and we talked.

 

After that he was really clingy, to the point where one day he said he felt insecure. I tried to make him feel better. He started acting like this.

 

I don't know what on earth changed to mkae him be like this but we both thought we'd met the love of our lives and were so happy together.

 

I'm getting changed now and am going to go to his to talk to him as I can't stand it anymore. I feel something isn't right and I have to do something...

 

Any advice or opinion is appreciated

[ReadyforLove]

This is a tough one and I really don't know what his deal could be. It is best to go talk to him and get this off of your chest. Hopefully he can open up and be honest with you about what's really going on. Good luck to you.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

He's trying to pull back emotionally, since you said it was getting to heavy emotionally. He's trying to accommodate you, according your erratic feelings.

[123BeachFan]

I would take his hesitation over the vacation as a no-go. Drop the subject. Assume you aren't going. It's expensive, and it's a big first step for a relationship, both of which, it sounds like, are more than he can handle right now. Besides, that's a big ticket gift from a new BF for a birthday.

 

Just tell him that it'll be easier all around to not go on that trip right now, and then make plans that include him. Let him know that you are including him in the plans, don't make him have to ask about it.

 

Procrastinating on work in the garden can be due more to lack of energy. Considering the number of weeds in my garden, I can empathize with him on that.

 

I think you might be asking more from him (time, money, hard labor) than he's willing to give. Let go a bit, and allow him to volunteer those things to you freely.

[weeble78]

Can I just say that he volunteered the holiday and garden freely himself, and then let me down? Also I'm paying my part of the holiday which is pretty cheap, even for me at half his salary.

 

I think I am going to talk to him as I really find it hard to guess how he's feeling. I don't want to push him in any direction, I just feel confused and want him to be happy, whatever makes him so - be that with me or without me..

 

By teh way thanks guys for your answers x

[weeble78]

Ok so I went over my SO's house last night and chatted.

 

I explained taht I felt things had changed, that we were being a bit guarded with each other and that I felt not so connected, a little more distant from him.

 

At first he said that nothing had changed and everything was fine, but then he admitted that he had been feeling a bit worried but didn't want to say or look silly.

 

Firstly, we have been talking of going travelling for 6 months together. We hadn't talked about it for a while so I assumed it was just talk and arranged to go away with a friend, just on a long holiday. He said he felt like I'd usurped our plans and eschewed him for her, but didn't want to look like he was stopping me doing anything.

 

Secondly, I may have to move back to England for a reason beyond my control. when I said this to him, I was a little blunt but tried to reassure him. He said he felt like I might just go and leave him behind without a second thought. I said that if that had happened, I would have asked him to come with me despite knowing he's settled where we are. He was relieved and said he was happy hearing that, and if it happens he definitely wants to come with me.

 

Lastly, I explained that no matter what happens, I feel secure knowing it won't threaten our relationship. everytime one of us has an off day, or we have a slight disagreement, he panics and he seems to feel I might disiappear. So i reassured him and told him I would be happy leaving him in a room with 100 women and know he'd come back to me. He was really happy about this and tried to reassure me the same of him, although I know he worries when I go out with friends etc.

 

He came back to my place to stay last night, adn funnily enough I feel closer to him for talking and am really glad I brought it all up.

 

It might backfire, but I'm going to try and always be 100% honest even if it makes him run away. I think you need to go and get what you want and make an effort to make things good.