sex/making love...eww

[EthanH]

ok this one is about sex. Have you ever been in a relationship of like a year and known the sex is somehow different from sex... i don't want to say 'making love' as i don't want to sound frumpy... but well you know, for me, with my ex it was different... or rather it was her who said that. I don't know what love is, but the nearest thing I have come to working out what it means is that it somehow just felt different...so yeah, can you be that close to someone and not be in love with them? (ok tell me if it is a stupid question if you want, i know it isn't black and white if you are in love or not...)... so yeah, untangle what I'm trying to ask and have an attempt at replying, maybe, thanks

[bananalaffytaffy]

I'm not really sure what your question is, but I've had sex with people I've liked but not been in love with. But I've never "made love" to anyone I wasn't in love with. Just isn't possible- for me anyway.

 

There's a big difference among making love, sex, and phukking. To me, it's in the level of intimacy and commitment to my lover.

[Romance]

are you trying to say the sex is different because you actually love the person

 

sex with someone you don't really know isn't normally as passionate, sex with a bf/gf you love can be very passionate and intimate, etc. Definitely a difference.

[Dido]

I've often wondered peoples take on this as well because up until recently I had never properly made love to someone.

 

Yes, sex was great in past relationships but it didn't make the act of sex an "act of love."

 

I didn't experience "making love" until six months into my current, surprisingly good (for once!), relationship.

 

I remember that the night before the first time we made love my SO went around the block to get some money from an ATM to pay for a taxi we took home. While I waited, the Taxi driver started chatting to me.

 

The taxi-man started to ask me about my relationship with my boyfriend, "So, where do you think this is going with this guy, hun?" I started to feel upset, as I thought his questions were inappropriate and intrusive. Although, I couldn't ignore the fact that when I started to think about our relationship and it's future, I suddenly felt really awkward and down.

 

The problem was that I had not yet confronted my fears about the development of the relationship; I knew I wanted more with my SO but for many reasons I never brought it up. At this point, we were exclusive after getting together out of strange circumstances (I'll probably post about it later at some point) and the idea of being "serious" was a bit terrifying. I'm an American living in Europe on an expiring student visa--moving across the world for someone is a huge decision. We're both very young and I was afraid to find out whether he had pegged me as STR or LTR.

 

My SO got back to the taxi and noticed that I was upset and quiet. I couldn't shake off the sudden sinking feeling that, while we were having great fun, it probably wouldn't last much longer due to our circumstances. My SO brought me upstairs to my apartment to settle me down. He was very patient with me and sat me on the couch and I told him about what the taxi driver had said to me. I opened up to my SO about how I felt about him and all of the things that go along with those kinds of conversations.

 

Even though I was tentative to talk about my feelings at first, he was completely comforting and nurturing. He told me he could identify with how I felt and wanted the same things that I do. That night we connected on a different level and it was one of the first time that in my life I had let myself be completely vulnerable without weighing the consequences of doing such. While I sat next to him, I remember the words running through my head, "That was a breakthrough."

 

We spent the next day together doing cute couple things and bumming around the house. That night was the first time we made love. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before but it was completely different than just sex; it was raw emotion. There was nothing between us that was not pure acceptance, admiration, love and appreciation. We were so happy in this moment we were hugging, kissing and crying all at the same time.

 

Our "making love" was so apparent that the next morning, he turned over to me and said, "SO, you want to talk about that sex we had last night?" and I remember saying jokey, "Yeah what the hell was that!" We agreed there was nothing else to describe what had happened and settled that we had actually managed to "make love."

 

I feel lucky to have experienced this, even if it turns out to be a one time experience. I've been in many LTRs and been in love before but I have never had that level of connection with anyone previous.

 

So to answer your post:

Have you ever been in a relationship of like a year and known the sex is somehow different from sex...

 

In this example it took less than a year to get to this point with him. In other LTRs, I've dated people over two years and never got even close to this level of intimacy. Although it might just be from my limited experience, I think that this act is so powerful and life-changing that it will leave you gobsmacked. There wont be a question as to whether or not you made love.

 

i don't want to say 'making love' as i don't want to sound frumpy

 

There is nothing frumpy at all about making love! In fact, I think it can be more rewarding emotionally than normal sex. It certainly was for me. I think that our normal sex-life benefitted enormously from this as we could push out limits as a couple due to us having more trust.

 

but well you know, for me, with my ex it was different... or rather it was her who said that. I don't know what love is, but the nearest thing I have come to working out what it means is that it somehow just felt different...

 

If you're unsure about your love for someone, you really need to examine the relationship you're in. Try not to rely on other peoples assessments of the relationship in order to justify or dismiss what you actually feel or think about it. There is always a possibility that one person will fall more in love than another person and you shouldn't feel compelled or obligated force yourself to feel the same way. Do them the favor and let them go so that both of you can find people you're better suited for.

 

so yeah, can you be that close to someone and not be in love with them? i know it isn't black and white if you are in love or not...

 

In my opinion and experience, I do not think I would be able to "make love" like I did to my current SO without being completely in love. I have been in relationships before where I was very close with my SO but not in love anymore (or should I say, more in love with the comfortable life we had living together).

 

In some cases, certainly in mine, the act of making love was very black and white. We are in love, we both had an amazing emotional experience together, we both agreed we made love.

 

Now if you're real question is whether or not you're in love with someone that can be a very grey area. There are tons of different reasons why you could love someone and sometimes those reasons are not the most logical or rational. Sometimes the love you feel isn't even about the person; you could be taken with the situation, the lifestyle or the benefits you get from being with that person. The only way you can know if you're in a relationship for the right reasons is by honestly evaluating the relationship.

 

Not sure if this helped you at all, but I thought I'd give my experience!

[ImThinkingWTF]

Up until recently I had not made love with anyone I was not in love with. And I'm not sure if I would even classify it as making love but it was very sensual and intense for someone that I've been seeing for a short while.