EasyHeart Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 What's your typical timeframe between meeting someone, becoming exclusive, sleeping together, being BF/GF, being 'in a relationship', etc.? (I'm talking to people who are looking for LT monogamous relationships that potentially may lead to marriage). I'm asking because I know a woman who met a guy about a month ago, slept with him a week later, and today referred to him as her 'boyfriend' and being happy that she is in a great 'relationship'. I didn't say anything, but I was thinking "WTF? You only met this guy a few weeks ago. How can you possibly think you know anything about him?" This is pretty typical of this woman (and a few others I know). About 2 years ago, she met, married and divorced a guy in less than a year. After that was a guy who was engaged, but his fiancee "didn't understand him like she did", and she would meet him and have sex with him in his car. Then there was the 24 year old Navy guy (she's 38) who swore he loved her, but was shipping out in a few weeks. And this latest guy is separated, but his "marriage has been over for a long time", and he's in the middle of a big custody battle. I assume this 'relationship' will last a few more weeks, and then she'll be back to complaining how all men are jerks and liars and take advantage of her. Another woman I know went from meeting 'the man of her dreams' to getting dumped in 5 weeks. (That guy was also freshly divorced). Her latest is a guy who works in a supermarket and is a heavy drug user. I think her longest 'relationship' was three months. And another woman I know is engaged and living with a guy (again, newly divorced) that she was 'in a relationship' with a few weeks after they met, and she and her 3 kids moved in with him a few months later. They've been together about two years, but she is miserably unhappy with the way he treats her (ignores her, more accurately), but she thinks she can change him if she can only get him into therapy! (It doesn't hurt that he's a rich doctor, so I understand that one more than most). In my experience, relationships that start fast usually end fast. Is that just me? Am I wrong about that? What's your experience? And what's the attraction for women to guys that are obviously just using you?
Romance Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Generally, we meet, we text for a like a week or two, hang out a few times as 'friends' maybe just 'dating' During that time, we're probably physical. Then generally it just progresses after about 1-2 months into us being an official couple. Then we just are boyfriend and girlfriend until the relationship ends..or if I had been with him him at least 3/4 years, then it could progress into marriage.
123BeachFan Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) I wish that there was a term to refer to a person you're in a relationship with, that doesn't imply commitment (or lack thereof), that doesn't necessarily indicate whether you're shacking up, and that doesn't sound like a politically correct thing to say. Boyfriend/girlfriend implies commitment. Friend implies casual sex (or literally a platonic friend). Lover implies sex without commitment. "Person I'm seeing" sounds so PC. Etc etc. So, it's not so alarming to me that she calls him her boyfriend. What's a red flag to me is that he's currently separated and in a custody battle. That just screams disaster, doesn't it. And to answer your original question. For me, I'd say typically 5 dates or one month of dating before getting sexually intimate (and being exclusive), and by that time you're exclusive and in a relationship. I probably move faster than others who are looking for a LTR monogamous sort of thing. I have friends who move slower -- maybe 8-10 weeks of dating first before sleeping together. Edited April 26, 2010 by 123BeachFan
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 My one relationship moved along rather quickly...physical after a few weeks...exclusive and labeled after about a month...practically living together within a few months...but at the time, everything felt comfortable and not rushed at all... Lesson learned: don't move that quickly...
Author EasyHeart Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 My one relationship moved along rather quickly...physical after a few weeks...exclusive and labeled after about a month...practically living together within a few months...but at the time, everything felt comfortable and not rushed at all... Lesson learned: don't move that quickly... Yeah, that's kinda my point. I did the same thing in my younger days, but I pretty quickly figured out that, while it may seem 'romantic', it never lasted very long. Sounds like you figured it out, too. So why do some people figure it out, and other people don't? I sometime want to shake people and say, "Are you serious? Quit being a dumbass and THINK about what you're doing and who you're dating!"
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Yeah, that's kinda my point. I did the same thing in my younger days, but I pretty quickly figured out that, while it may seem 'romantic', it never lasted very long. Sounds like you figured it out, too. So why do some people figure it out, and other people don't? I sometime want to shake people and say, "Are you serious? Quit being a dumbass and THINK about what you're doing and who you're dating!" I think it was primarily due to the combination of her being umemployed and me being in school, so we had plenty of time to spend too much time together. So it wasn't that things moved unnecessarily fast, per se, but they moved along so quickly because we were together so much. We had even entertained ideas of marriage by the 6-month mark. Again, that had more to do with circumstance than anything else, I think. But I agree with you...it's a dangerous road to go down...
somedude81 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 How Fast Do Your Relationships Move? They don't. I meet a girl, usually at work or school. Take a couple of weeks to get to know her. If I like her, I'll try to arrange a lunch date. If that goes well I make weekend plans. Then things always go downhill from there. She only sees me as a friend, she doesn't want to date anybody, she has a boyfriend overseas etc. 28 years old and I think God hates me.
just-me12 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 my last relationship, spoke and texted for 2-3weeks, went on a date on friday night, sore each other sunday and made it official, had sex same day, ended 3months later when i had enough of sex becoming the problem fixer. Now i have been talking to this guy for about 6 weeks, dated 4 weeks ago continued to talk, then went on our second date last week, and third and forth, I met his friends and all (both been busy and that) now just waiting to see where it goes from here. I like this approach a lot me, we are getting to know each other better...went drinking on one of the dates, and he didn't take advantage of that and try sleep with me, we haven't had nor even spoken about sex. Which i guess is a good but can also be a bad sign.
MorningCoffee Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You never know. My marriage started as dating for four or five months, then a five-month engagement, followed by a 38-year marriage. Our friends at the time all gave us a year. LOL.
Ihavenoidea Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 my parents went on 3 dates in two months and have been married since about 30 years now. Just depends. Mine seem to move fast but vary based on the girl.
spookie Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I think age/ experience plays into it. The older you are, the more complex is your worldview, and deeper-ingrained are your habits. Not to mention that "experience" has a tendency to make people jaded, and wary to trust. My first relationship was love at first sight. He sat next to me on the first day of college, smiled, and we saw that we both had braces. I "knew" we were going to get married 2 weeks in, which was already after we lost our virginities to each other, and exchanged I love you's; knowledge it took me almost two years after our breakup, to unlearn. But we were kids; a week or two was all it took to know each other, for how uncomplicated we were back then. The reason we broke up wasn't that the relationship was based on false assumptions; it was because we had changed. Now in my mid-twenties, I go slow. I make sure not only to trust someone, but to understand why; I make sure that in addition to attraction, there is compatibility; before I emotionally invest.
sunshinegirl Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I think age/ experience plays into it. The older you are, the more complex is your worldview, and deeper-ingrained are your habits. Not to mention that "experience" has a tendency to make people jaded, and wary to trust. This can go the other way, as well: the older I am, the more I've learned from my life experiences, the better I know myself, and the more clear I am about who I am looking for and what I have to offer. In my current relationship , we had a slow "start-up" to dating but it went fast after that: we met in May 2009, didn't start going out on pseudo-dates until September, became a couple in late October, slept together about 3 weeks after that, by Valentine's Day started talking about marriage, and today, we're planning our October 10, 2010 wedding. I am 36 and he is 38, by the way.
sagetalk Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 They don't. I meet a girl, usually at work or school. Take a couple of weeks to get to know her. If I like her, I'll try to arrange a lunch date. If that goes well I make weekend plans. Then things always go downhill from there. She only sees me as a friend, she doesn't want to date anybody, she has a boyfriend overseas etc. 28 years old and I think God hates me. First of all, God doesn't hate you unless you're doing some really bad stuff (if you are stop doing it). The friends zone happens to the best of us. It is usually a result of you not behaving like she wants you to as a boyfriend, mostly not being bold in persuading her, acting wimpy/needy. I have been put in the friends zone by girls who were physically attracted to me, which is really pathetic I know. But, I've learned a great deal from it. And that is this and remember it well: Never show more feelings towards her then she shows you. You must not get ahead of her in the feelings department, if you do, you will be a friend. Let her make all the emotional decisions about how fast the relationship goes. Don't say anything emotional that she hasn't said first, "I love you", "I think about you all the time", "I wanna be with only you", "I'm crazy about you". If you say those things before she is ready, you will be crowned her new best friend. Emotions are a girl's domain, let her do what she does best and just follow in that regards. In everything else, take the lead and be a man. Once you see her make that emotional step forward, grab it with both hands and seize the opportunity right when it happens every time it happens.
Author EasyHeart Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 This can go the other way, as well: the older I am, the more I've learned from my life experiences, the better I know myself, and the more clear I am about who I am looking for and what I have to offer. I think age/ experience plays into it. The older you are, the more complex is your worldview, and deeper-ingrained are your habits. Not to mention that "experience" has a tendency to make people jaded, and wary to trust. I think you're both right. When you're in college, relationships are easy and they happen really fast. You're naive, uncomplicated, have no baggage, and you're surrounded by people of similar age, economic background and education, so that stuff doesn't matter. And things can happen much more quickly when you're older, I think, IF you've had lots of 'practice' relationships, know who you are and know what you want. But also I seem to run into a lot of 40 year olds who act like they're 25. Sunshinegirl: In your case, what happened between May and September? Did you talk and get to know each other before 'pseudo-dating'? And what the hell is a pseudo-date?
somedude81 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 First of all, God doesn't hate you unless you're doing some really bad stuff (if you are stop doing it). Nope, I don't do anything bad. I've also been raised in church, but because of how my life with women has gone, I have a grudge against God. I've felt like he has tried to keep me single. The friends zone happens to the best of us. It is usually a result of you not behaving like she wants you to as a boyfriend, mostly not being bold in persuading her, acting wimpy/needy. I have been put in the friends zone by girls who were physically attracted to me, which is really pathetic I know. To me, there is nothing scarier than the friendzone. I feel like I almost got the girl, then she says, "I like you, but not in that way." It makes me want to rip my hair out. Why girls do that to men is beyond me. I hate how there seems to be some arbitrary time limit until her window of interest is closed. "Oh, I'm sorry. You only had 7.3 days to make me attracted to you. We can still be friends." But, I've learned a great deal from it. And that is this and remember it well: Be bold in persuading her, don't act wimpy/needy. (I paraphrased a little) Never show more feelings towards her then she shows you. You must not get ahead of her in the feelings department, if you do, you will be a friend. Let her make all the emotional decisions about how fast the relationship goes. Don't say anything emotional that she hasn't said first, "I love you", "I think about you all the time", "I wanna be with only you", "I'm crazy about you". If you say those things before she is ready, you will be crowned her new best friend. Emotions are a girl's domain, let her do what she does best and just follow in that regards. In everything else, take the lead and be a man. Once you see her make that emotional step forward, grab it with both hands and seize the opportunity right when it happens every time it happens. Thank you for the advice. So I have to be bold, and don't let her know that I like her. Take the lead.
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