Parasailing01 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 My husband and I have been married for 12 years with 2 beautiful children. We have had many ups and downs in our relationship and right now I have to decide whether to stay in our relationship or leave and of course neither decision is easy to make. We are both going to marriage counseling and I am going myself. I feel my husband is controlling with our finances and puts them first before our love for one another. We have had separate bank accounts for quite some time and now have joint accounts. We were both working full time up until 4 years agao and I went part-time. 3 years into our marriage I was out with my friends partying too much and got into a car accident, I almost died. During this time I needed those that were closest to me in my lives to help me get through this tough time of my life. My parents and brother were very helpful and my husband not so much and I am still resentful to this day. Thank goodness I did not have any kids at the time of the car accident. I believe my husband is financially controlling and it really stresses me out. When I was in the hospital my husband brought in our credit card bill and was angry with me because he did not know that our credit card balance was higher than he thought, it was less than $1000.00 with the normal household charges on it, nothing extra. So, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, here I am trying to get better and my husband is on my case for a credit card, ughh, another thing to worry about. I believe that should have been my red flag but it was not. The hardest part was when we decided for me to go part-time, it was just the right thing to do. I was making less and my husband was controlling the money even more. We save money for our kids education and he said that money would go to the kids schooling, well, we discussed divorce and now all of a sudden he does not want the money going to the kids education. To make a long story short, he always talks about finances and that seems to overpower his love for me. He is not an affectionate man but I am not in love with him anymore and I believe a good part of that has to do with the situation in the hospital. After being married to the same person for 12 years I guess you start believing things, so much that I have had to ask friends/family if these things were normal? Anyway, I feel like I am being controlled financially, life is too short but am afraid to leave because of my kids. I look forward to your feedback as it will give me more insight into my decision making. Thanks so much!
dennisflorida Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) my thought is to continue counseling. Continue, see if there is progress and come to some understandings. If you don't or he does not want to really "try" with this, then I would abandon ship. Honestly, If my wife was partying a lot and got into a car accident because of it, I would be mad. really mad. but personally, i don't have a lot of patience when it comes to alcohol-related accidents. If your partying and drinking 3 years into your marriage was because of an escape, a stress reliever from your marriage, why did you get married to this guy? i mean NO disrespect by the way. Maybe your hus was mad about the whole accident thins, had a lot of contempt, was thinking you are irresponsible, brought some bills to your attention... i mean you were in the hospital for something quite "foolish" so, i could see how he could kinda be mad. Edited April 26, 2010 by dennisflorida
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 How about this--to find out just what your future should hold, put on your big girl pants and get back to work full-time so that you have more say in the finances. Nobody can control you unless you let them. Somebody on here has the best quote under all their posts, I love it--it's my mantra these days as I struggle myself to be financially independent and responsible-- "There is no try, there is only do" Yoda.
xxoo Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 It is hard to know from your one post how much of the problem is your H. Your 2 examples leave a lot of room to see HIS side of the story, without even having him post here. The accident--were you drinking and driving? I can see his side if you acted irresponsibly while intoxicated, and put the family's financial stability at risk. Yes, he should support you, but a freak out about the money seems pretty fair. The savings--if you divorce, circumstances change. Two incomes that supported one home easily do not support two homes as easily. There is less money to go around, and things have to be readjusted. College savings can be a reasonable place to cut costs.
Author Parasailing01 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 dennisflorida, Thank you for your response, yes, we will continue counseling to see if things get better, if they don't than we have to make a decision. I totally agree with you, he should have been angry, I was wrong. I just should have looked at the situation at that time and made a choice at that point. It will work out for the best either way because life is too short and we all need to be happy, thanks again!
Author Parasailing01 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 You Go Girl, Thanks so much for your reply, although I will not be going back to work full time right now, my husband and I have decided to focus on the kids, you are absolutely correct when you say nobody can control you unless you let them, that is the key. I will no longer let him control me and if he does I will leave. Thanks so much!
Author Parasailing01 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 xxoo, Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, yes 2 incomes are better than one, I was irresponsible, I want to know that who I married will be by my side at all times. It's tough but yes, it was my fault. Thanks again!
Enema Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 You talked about divorce, then he started being extra careful (you say controlling) with money. Makes sense to me. Everyone knows that divorce is expensive and when there are kids involved and a part-time working wife - the man is going to get screwed. Your husband sounds like a sensible man, I pity him.
Author Parasailing01 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 Enema, Thanks for your reply, my husband has always been controlling with money, when I was full-time, part-time, all the time.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Your H being controlling with money is just one of the issues you have. I am sure if that was the sole issue in your marriage you would not be asking if you should leave or not... simply wanting to work on that one issue and improve your marriage. In my opinion, your affair partner is still swirling in your head. Your lens is clouded. What you are experiencing is not that unusual... as marraiges age they often take more and more effort to continue. Good Luck!
FryFish Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 You are finding fault with your husband NOW because you want to leave him for your affair partner. Your husband isnt really controlling with money you are just irresponsible with it. There is a HUGE difference. How about you and your husband switch roles... He works part time and buys what he wants when he wants and you work full time and watch him blow your money...
BlueeyedJonesy Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I'm with the other posters...its pretty hard to work on your M with third party invlolved. I don't see why people don't get that. Reguardless of all that--your H is cold for a reason. My H was the same exact way you are describing yours and his issues were alot deeper than I ever imagined. It sounds like you have some as weLL...If you are not in love with him then get a D. I think you both would be alot happier. Or maybe IC for both of you. Good luck.
jenifer1972 Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 There is always a reason why we pick the partners we do, even if we forget the reasons later. Perhaps he liked your 'laid back happy go lucky ways' and you liked that he was 'responsible', only now the roles have become 'solidified' in ways that are no longer that appealing. Usually if one spouse does something way off in one direction, the other spouse will compensate by going just the opposite, in an attempt to re-establish an equalibrium of sorts. When you got into an accident while drunk? it sounds like, he went just the opposite way, into the parental responsible role, and this tug of war has continued.
Recommended Posts