Have I already done too much?

[ChemicalFire]

Me and my ex broke up just over a week ago after a year of long distance (in which we'd met several times for a week each time and I want to know you guys opinion on my chances of getting her back.

 

We broke up because she seemed to be distancing herself from me and when we spoke about it she said she didn't want a relationship now after I was jealous about how she was acting to a close friend while I was there . We ended up talking the next few days and she said that she still loved me but not in that way but that she still cared a lot about me.

 

Then a few days later I went back to her on IM and said that I needed to stop talking to her for a while. She said that she would really miss me and she said a lot of things which made it seem like she wanted me to stay; like that that she couldn't handle the distance between us (we live 100 miles apart) but still did love me and she wanted me to stay and talk to her, she seemed to be using me as a way of getting over me, as if she was feeling guilty or something. She said she had been considering a possible rekindling of our relationship and I said that, if she does want to, she should let me know (and I would think about it); she agreed, but not to contact me unless it was something important.

 

Through out the time between breaking up I had a few little moments of over being over the top, but I didn't beg at any point, and in the last week of our relationship, which was rocky I was quite melo-dramatic. I have made one slip up of no contact and sent her a facebook message which said "finding it hard to cope" in the subject line and had nothing it in but a link to "Have Faith In Me" by A Day To Remember on youtube. Which was on Thursday after stopping talking to her last Tuesday, after this she either deleted me or blocked me on Facebook. She also sent a message through a friend on Saturday (a day after my 18th birthday) to wish me happy birthday.

 

If there is anything else you need to know just ask. But I really loved this girl and would love to be able to get her back.

Edited April 26, 2010 by ChemicalFire

[lonestar190]

Hate to tell you this, but the most likely reason she blocked you on facebook is because there are things on there she doesn't want you to see. Possibly a new relationship status or pictures.

[EthanH]

lonestar, I just think that isn't true, there is just as much chance she blocked him because she didn't want to see what he was doing...sometimes people think that it is the person who was dumped who has the biggest regrets, but in reality, it is usually the person who dumped... as they have to deal with their decision...the times when they miss the person, they doubt their decision (well at least i did when I dumped someone)

[ChemicalFire]

I don't think this is true. I didn't take the time to actually check it. But I can still get on her page and it says she's still single. There are no new pictures, not new posts on her wall like that. I'm not blocked, just deleted.

 

The only reason I can think of is that she wanted to help me get through the post break up problems and wanted me to be strong enough to pull through. So maybe she thinks doing that will help? Or maybe she just didn't like seeing my posts on her facebook feed.

 

I dunno, I don't like to theorise too much.

Edited April 26, 2010 by ChemicalFire

[lonestar190]

My mistake then. By 'blocked' I thought you meant she was preventing you from seeing her page.

[Weird]

just keep with the no contact for the time being and let things happen as the worst thing you could do is press right now.

 

If you want to be with her and it is meant to be then it will happen....eventually. It may not be as quick as you want so you will have to show some good patience.

[ChemicalFire]

just keep with the no contact for the time being and let things happen as the worst thing you could do is press right now.

 

If you want to be with her and it is meant to be then it will happen....eventually. It may not be as quick as you want so you will have to show some good patience.

 

 

That's my plan. She did say that if I vanish out of her life for too long she'd lose interest.

 

It might help to see this, the last conversation before No Contact:

 

Me: I'm sorry **** but I can't be here for you just now
Her: whats wrong?
Me: I need time to adapt and heal so that I can be happy again
Her: okay then
Her: i'll miss you
Me: I'll miss you too
Me: but for different reasons I guess
Her: ne...
Her: when will you be back
Her: any idea
Me: I don't know
Her: Ne...
Me: ****
Her: yes?
Me: don't forget me okay?
Her: i won't
Me: I could be gone a long time
Her: ne.....
Her: thats a lil worrying
Me: I don't want to do this ****
Me: I really don't
Me: but it's not up to me
Me: i really don't have a choice
Her: ...you do
Me: I don't
Her: but i guess its better for you
Her: if its not your choice then whos is it?
Me: I don't know ****
Me: but if I don't do this
Me: I'll never move on
Me: our conversation last night confused me so much
Me: it made me think that there is a chance for us and I can't think that
Me: think of this like drug addiction
Me: I am the addict
Me: and you are the drug
Her: ...i have a feeling im gunna miss you a lot
Her: you realise you might end up losing me out of your life that way though
Me: **** please
Me: don't say things like that
Her: im being honest though
Her: if you come back in 6th months, it'll hard to get talking again
Her: and the likelihood of seeing you is less
Her: which means you'll have less of my interest....
Her: your forcing me to move on too
Me: But surely you need to move on too?
Me: you made it clear ****, you don't want to be in a relationship with me
Me: if I'm going to be your friend then I need the time to become my own person again
Her: Im sorry im guess im kinda messed up on this one....
Her: either way
Her: i won't stop you leaving
Her: and im telling you the truth
Her: you vanish for 6 months plus
Her: it'll be that much harder to stay in touch
Her: despite how i feel relationship wise
Her: i do love you....just not enough to make it work like this
Me: what does that even mean?
Me: you said you wanted to be friends, I made the offer to go back to how it was before
Her: yeah that was the text this morning....
Her: i'd been considering that.....
Me: **** like I've always said
Me: my feelings for you will not vanish
Me: ever
Me: me going away would not be me trying to leave your life
Her: **** hugs tight
Me: Me hugs
Her: i'll miss you
Her: i really will
Her: and thank you for being there
Me: I want you to promise me something ****
Her: ?
Me: This is less of me vanishing from your life
Me: if you want to talk to me
Me: you can
Me: i'll still be here if you really need to talk to me
Her: you don't want me to though
Me: well when I say talk to
Me: if it's something thats important
Me: to you
Me: to me
Me: or to us
Me: ne
Me: now I need to be strong enough to acctually go through with it...
Her: ne, i beleive in you
Her: and my mum thinks your doing the right thing
Her: so stay strong and pull through okay
Her: see you when i see you
Me: I'll miss you ****
Her: Koneko smile
Her: i will you too
Me: I'm sorry it has to be this way. I don't want to and right now i'm just delaying what I have to do
Me: especially because of what you said you were considering
Her: I will tell you if thats what i decide
Me: okay thank you
Her: and then you won't have to do that anymore
Her: you said if its important to you and me
Her: anyway
Her: see you when i see you
Her: good bye
Me: yeah
Her: <3
Me: I'm not gonna say good bye XD
Me: see you later
Me: <3

Edited April 27, 2010 by ChemicalFire

[DustySaltus]

Chemical, she is trying to make herself feel less guilty by saying that if you fall off the face of the earth it will be YOUR decision not hers. That's the most selfish thing she could do. She tells you that if you disappear for 6 months it would be hard to reconnect with her. What kind of NONSENSE is that?

 

SHE IS THE ONE WHO MADE THE DECISION!!

 

This is a textbook example of why you need to go NC. Stop looking at her FB, emails, taking phone calls or texting. It's over and done. Let her understand the ramifications of HER decision by cutting yourself completely out of her life. Let her live with the pain for the next 100 years or so.

[EthanH]

I know people on here will tell you to give up, move on, run away, do no contact, etc etc etc, but you know she still loves you. I think she is just very very confused, she is young, she is looking to be sure, and that is impossible... the way i described it to someone else is this, and this isn't patronising, but I think it is useful in coming to terms with what she is saying, without anger, frustration etc etc:

 

If you were to ask a 5 year old boy about a complicated maths equation...what would you expect? Would you expect them to be able to understand it? They would probably be intimidated. Would you get angry/frustrated with them if they couldn't understand, even if they genuinely tried, but ultimately failed? Would you blame them for that?

 

I think we all just expect people to be sure about things, and it is because we assume that because we are comfortable with things, we cannot understand why others can't see things in a similar way. She just isn't ready to be sure about what she wants.

 

She wants to be ok with things, the fact she says she doesn't want to lose you is positive, and the fact she is threatening you not to let her go shows her real fear... but then again, that might not mean she totally wants a relationship. On one hand, she has such strong feelings for you, but she also has a fear of the fact that she doesn't know what she thinks. Feelings of 'do I love him enough?'... 'he is so sure, why does it feel like I'm not?'... 'it is unfair on him as he clearly loves me more/knows what he wants'...

 

so, i think you did the right thing, if she loves you, she won't move on, unless it goes on for so long that she begins to think it is hopeless... in which case, you know that you were unbalanced, and you would be better off without her... of course you cannot wait for her forever, but she knows that if she does decide for sure she wants you back, she can always contact you... you both know you like each other, you are just in a limbo of uncertainty atm...

 

do things for yourself atm, move other areas of your life forward, that is very attractive to someone who likes you, it makes them see that you aren't reliant on you, people want to see someone they look up to as the person they want to be with... don't be petty, don't play games, but don't give up....just don't seem to needy and emotional if you do meet up...

 

I really hope it works out for you... and I really think you have some hope, I wish i was in your situation... good luck!

[ChemicalFire]

*text*

 

Thanks man. Are you saying there I should break NC :S

 

Chemical, she is trying to make herself feel less guilty by saying that if you fall off the face of the earth it will be YOUR decision not hers. That's the most selfish thing she could do. She tells you that if you disappear for 6 months it would be hard to reconnect with her. What kind of NONSENSE is that?

 

SHE IS THE ONE WHO MADE THE DECISION!!

 

This is a textbook example of why you need to go NC. Stop looking at her FB, emails, taking phone calls or texting. It's over and done. Let her understand the ramifications of HER decision by cutting yourself completely out of her life. Let her live with the pain for the next 100 years or so.

 

I have gone NC, apart from one small slip up two days in, which wasn't conversation. So far it's been a week...

 

Hardest week of my life.

[EthanH]

let us know what happens, ok? most people who get a positive reaction never come back on here as they don't need advice anymore, but if it does work out, i think it would be good, as there is so much negativity here... i'm not saying provide false hope, but there needs to be some balance...

[ChemicalFire]

let us know what happens, ok? most people who get a positive reaction never come back on here as they don't need advice anymore, but if it does work out, i think it would be good, as there is so much negativity here... i'm not saying provide false hope, but there needs to be some balance...

 

I'll probably stick around anyway. Not gonna ask for help and just leave XD

 

Also like I asked, are you saying you think I should break NC?

[EthanH]

no, but just do what you want... but I think it would be good, good for you, and good for your chances, if you really try and use this to move your life on, and with that, i mean, make some new friends who you don't associate with your pre-break-up life, take up some new interests, be passionate about your future... use the frustration you have for missing her to help you make yourself happy... and so that when/if she comes back/if you speak to her, she will realise you haven't been just sitting waiting for her, something which given your story and her age/doubts, would be a really bad thing. Don't do it for her, don't do it for the relationship, do it for yourself. 99% of the time, relationships at our age end because one person is too focussed on the relationship and not on their own life... most people don't want that pressure. Just play things cool... she knows she can contact you if she really realises she wants you back... right? so let her stew on that, and in the meantime, don't miss out on anything.

[student1990]

Couldn't agree more with Ethan's Post. Go NC for a while. Can't really put numbers on it but i'd say at least a month or 2. Then if you get nothing try and ease your way back into her life. If its longer than 3 months since you split, you wont get your relationship back. You'll be starting a new with her, which in a lot of ways is a better option.

 

In my situation at the moment, she lives across the hall from me at Uni for the next week and a half which is hard as she comes over sometimes to see our mutual friends and i see her when i go see our mutual friends in her flat. After that it will be easier for me to go NC as i feel like im moving on already and will see NC out.ive only seen her 2-3 times in the last week and even then we didnt talk as their were other people present so we were focused on them.

 

What im trying to say is, see NC out for a bit. Give yourself space to get perseptive on your relationship. let logic take over, not feelings, move on then in a few months time whether she has contacted you or not, think to yourself if you want her back, i know i certainly want my girl back but we cant rebuild face to face until september which sucks.

 

Stick in there, there is always hope!

[ChemicalFire]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm still finding it all really confusing and it's distracting me from my school work (I'm 18 and doing A-Levels). Do you have any suggestions on how to stop the tension in my chest?

[ChemicalFire]

Sorry to bump, but I've been thinking.

 

During the conversation that I posted I made it clear that I didn't want to hear from her, unless it was important, which makes the whole no contact thing slightly harder as she will always be wondering if I'm at a stage where she could talk to me about anything.

 

I think, even though it's been 9 days, that I'm starting to move on, the feelings recently have not been pain because of the end of the relationship or because of anything else. It's more that I just flat out miss her.

 

To this end I've re-added her to my msn. HOWEVER. I plan not to make contact. I'm not going to start a conversation, but it will show her that I am willing to talk and I'm on my way to feeling better about everything.

 

I'm beginning to doubt the NC rule. As the break up was mutual (I agreed with it because I didn't want to keep her in a relationship she wasn't sure about) and that we have no hard feelings for each other. She said that me not talking to her would be "forcing her to move on". It was also a Long Distance Relationship which may have some effect. I'm not planning on begging her or anything. I'm still kinda keeping the NC rule, but it shows that I am willing to talk if she wants to.

 

Even if I don't talk to her much.

[ChemicalFire]

Okay, so I thought I'd let you know how things have gone in the last month. We are not back together and I broke the NC rule to ask her if she saw a future for us. I really needed closure.

 

She said there wasn't and I said that because of this I couldn't stay around to be her friend. She said she didn't "want to lose me... not like this" and that she didn't understand why we couldn't be friends, even though I explained to her that I would always be wanting more than what friendship would offer me.

 

So in the end she agreed and said that she wanted me to be happy no matter what and that if the best way for me to be happy would be for her to "let go" (which amused me because she let go over a month ago) then she would, but that I had to not expect her to be happy about it.

 

She gave me reasons for our break up saying that I wasn't part of her life enough and didn't want to hang around with her friends. Which I did... she was just crap and introducing them to me, abandoning me in a big group doesn't no equate to introductions. I blame almost all of this on distance, as it was a LDR with 100 miles between us. I don't think we really approached the LDR with the correct frame of mind, we both needed to do more work to make it work.

 

But what ever, even before having an LDR I approached it with a lot of caution. Now I doubt I'd try it again.

 

I still find it hard knowing that I'll probably never talk to her or see her ever again

Edited May 28, 2010 by ChemicalFire