LaChatteNoire Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I've never been spoken to by my boyfriend (of 4 years) the way that I was on Saturday night, so it was immediately disturbing to me and I was hurt/astonished at the same time. I'm not sure how to react or what to say to him about this. We had just finished eating a nice dinner outside at a local place and on the drive home I had mentioned that that was basically the only meal that I had that day. (I was busy all day and didn't get a real chance to eat anything but a small baggy of cheerios.) He responded by saying something along the lines of,"well that's bad for your metabolism..." So, with my knowledge of health/metabolism/dieting I replied by saying,"well actually, there have been studies that intermittent fasting is actually very good for your health, just like those people who have calorie restricted diets for their entire lives." So then he said,"Yea, but you're not doing that all the time like they are, you're doing it once and you're going to slow down your metabolism." So I said,"Well, right, I'm not, but intermittent fasting is just that, every now and then and not all the time. I mean, you can look it up and read about it if you want, the studies and the proof is there." (I didn't say this in any demeaning way, I said it in a positive way to make sure that he didn't get offended) So THEN he said (despite the positivity),"Look, you're not going to drop it and you're just going to keep arguing about it and you're going to keep b*tching about it and get all mad and say something like 'I'm sorry, I guess I don't know anything about what I'm talking about'. I don't know what you want me to do." So I immediately stopped talking and was taken aback by what he said to me. Now yes, the last time that something like this happened (where his thoughts differed from mine and I supported my knowledge with factual information and studies), I got frustrated and said,"I'm sorry babe, I guess I don't know anything about this subject." (again, not in a bad way, actually - it was in a sad way.) Now I said this because of the same type of scenario as above. He was saying something that I knew was proved by several studies to be wrong, but he kept saying "no, no, no!". I haven't talked to him about it yet. I am still upset by what he said, he's never responded like that to anything and has never used that type of language in a serious manner towards me. Was I, in fact, b*tching as he said? Or was I carrying an educated conversation? Was I disrespected as I'm feeling? I know that he always has to be right, but it is ridiculous to me that he doesn't give me the chance to support what I know. I never cut him off when it's the other way around, as I am pleased to be enlightened by something that he knows. I feel like he's just trying to shut me up and I don't appreciate it. I don't know what to say to him.
Ronni_W Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Actually, your boyfriend had his facts more straight than you did. By your own admission, you were not doing a planned, healthy, well-thought out fast; you were just busy that day, and you'd eaten a baggy of Cheerios. Healthful fasting is NOT just not eating in-between a meal of Cheerios and a regular evening meal. Periodic fasting is also not that. Skipping lunch is also not that. As you've explained the two incidents, how you're doing it does, in fact, come across more like a "need to be right; gotta prove myself right" tendency on your part. Power struggle over who is "right" and who has more "knowledge". Your b/f seems to be messaging that he's not too into that kind of attitude-behaviour. Your other option, when he expressed concern for your health and metabolism, was to say, "Yeah, thanks. I'm not too concerned cos it doesn't happen too often," rather than you trying to turn your poor eating habits for that particular day into some type of "fast" over which, you believe, your knowledge is superior to his.
Author LaChatteNoire Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 Actually, your boyfriend had his facts more straight than you did. By your own admission, you were not doing a planned, healthy, well-thought out fast; you were just busy that day, and you'd eaten a baggy of Cheerios. Healthful fasting is NOT just not eating in-between a meal of Cheerios and a regular evening meal. Periodic fasting is also not that. Skipping lunch is also not that. Thanks for your response! I know that healthful fasting is not just eating cheerios and a regular evening meal. I do two 24-hour fasting days per week (planned), that day wasn't one of them, though. I did days and days of research on my own before starting this type of dieting as well as reading on other types of fasting (like skipping meals every now and then but not overeating for the final meal of the day, the warrior diet, eat stop eat, etc.), so that's why I felt that I was more knowledgeable. He doesn't know that I'm doing this diet. As you've explained the two incidents, how you're doing it does, in fact, come across more like a "need to be right; gotta prove myself right" tendency on your part. Power struggle over who is "right" and who has more "knowledge". Your b/f seems to be messaging that he's not too into that kind of attitude-behaviour. The only reason that I feel that I have to support what I know is because he says his statements in a way that make me feel like I'm being talked down to. It's not a "I'm trying to help you" tone at all. It's more of a "You don't know what you're doing" kind. So his reaction was still appropriate? Your other option, when he expressed concern for your health and metabolism, was to say, "Yeah, thanks. I'm not too concerned cos it doesn't happen too often," rather than you trying to turn your poor eating habits for that particular day into some type of "fast" over which, you believe, your knowledge is superior to his. If I had said "Yeah, thanks.....", he would've said,"Well, I'm telling you,......" I wasn't turning my day "into" a fast, I was trying to explain that it wasn't as negative as he was making it out to be. I do believe I have more knowledge since my research was so extensive, but it is possible that he has read and researched it more than I have prior to our conversation. I have no way of knowing.
elysium23 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 It sounds like a normal argument to me. It sounds like he was just irritated and annoyed and lashed out a little bit. But it's not anything I would take too seriously. He didn't call you names or anything. It's a lot different to say "you're b*tching" than to say "you're a b*tch." The first one is just obviously out of annoyance, a (ruder) way of saying that he doesn't feel like talking, while the second one would be an attack on you, and more of a cause for concern. So, I wouldn't take what he said too personally, if I were you.
RobM Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I have conversations like this with my wife all the time and it really annoys me. It doesn't matter if she's right or wrong, doesn't matter what we're talking about, she almost always disagrees with anything I say. Usually we'll go back and forth a little then I'll just shut up before I get mad. Usually she's still talking and I'm thinking "whatever" and I just shut my mouth because I know she'll never give me even if she's wrong and it gets so frustrating. I guess I've just learned to live with it.
ADF Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 The real problem here is dynamic between you and your BF. The source of your disagreement was utterly trivial. Who gives a crap who's right about such an inane, unimportant question? Yet neither of you could let it go. Your BF puts the blame for that on you, but he is every bit as guilty. You both need to take a step back and try to catch yourselves when you see a piddling disagreement like that escalating. If you don't, you both might end up ruining your relationship over NOTHING.
Els Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I honestly think a hallmark of maturity is to know when it is worth pushing the issue through, and when it's simply better to just drop it. Sometimes I just say 'Well, I guess our opinions differ' or 'Let's agree to disagree, eh?' even if I'm convinced that I'm right - because it's just a silly argument and whether or not I manage to 'win' has no impact whatsoever on anything important. I understand the drive to 'make the other person see logic and facts', and sometimes I too fall prey to it, but you need to ask yourself - is 'winning' worth putting your relationship on the rocks for?
Author LaChatteNoire Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Thanks for all of your help and comments. I talked to him last night and he apologized for the outburst before I even started to apologize for my "always right" attitude. We agreed that we both really need to work on our communication issues to keep our relationship going strong, so we will work very hard on that from now on. I really appreciate all of your feedback it really helped me open up to talk to him and understand what I'm doing wrong.
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