wheelwright Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 May I ask..What makes this time different from the others? It's like Déjà vu. I agree. I sympathise IMTK. Just like I did last time, because I was flip-flopped on too, and it hurts. But after being dropped twice in favour of the M, I told him if he ever dropped me again that would be it. He believed me, and didn't pick me up. Perhaps he didn't want to, perhaps he didn't want to run the risk of losing me forever. But also, is there a chance here he is lying to you each time about his M being over and all the DDays?
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 THIS!!! THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE!!! He does not want to be responsible. Period. not for what happenes to you, not for what happens to his wife, not even for what happens to himself. So he plays this damnedable ping-pong game with everyone's lives until ONE OF YOU (OW/BW) make the choice for him. He will keep doing it until one of you stand up and say ENOUGH. That way he has no "responsibility". If his wife kicks him out and files the divorce well then, "He didn't choose divorce, so the fact that divorce is hard on the kids, the ex-W, the extended family, well that is not his fault." he thinks to himself washing his hands of it all. If you get fed up and break off the relationship, well then "He didn't choose to end the relationship with you, so it is not his fault that you are heartbroken, and feel as though your world is falling apart. Afterall, YOU chose to end the relationship, not him." he thinks to himself washing his hands of it all. If he doesn't ever really make a decision then none of the pain resulting from the outcome can REALLY be his fault. At least that is what he tells himself so that he can sleep at night. Excellent observation!!!! I totally agree! Although I wonder if his W DOES take him back for any length of time, will it really amount to anything more than another part of the ping pong game? Every single time up to now, he does the "right thing" then realizes that I'mnot there anymore, cheering him on, making him feel loved, holding his hand through all of this. In one way or another he comes back with some kind of "what did I do?" or "this isn't working out..." He did it when they went to Florida a month ago. They were on the trip down and he texted "Things are already not going well." Then by the end of the trip he had made a statement that he was coming home to be with me. Then he got home and decided not to, but didn't change his number. Then we've gone from there. Just this Satruday afternoon (in bed!) he said he didn't want us to be totally separate as he works through the pain of this D. He said "let's text a few times a day and talk once" (which is usually at night anyway). sigh
Heather1 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Take your power back & dump his a$$. XOM always drop kicked me after sex & this time I kept my cool, waited for his guilt to subside & calmly dumped his a$$. Wished him well, said I'd be fine. Almost 8 weeks ago & how do I feel??? FREE!!!!! Wahoooooo!!!
2sunny Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 His W is left to try to make him into a good husband, something he has no capacity to ever be. better her than you. that's if she even takes his sorry ass back. oh - she did, that's why he changed his number.
2sunny Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Take your power back & dump his a$$. XOM always drop kicked me after sex & this time I kept my cool, waited for his guilt to subside & calmly dumped his a$$. Wished him well, said I'd be fine. Almost 8 weeks ago & how do I feel??? FREE!!!!! Wahoooooo!!! now THIS is awesome!!!! this is healthy. this is what it looks like with good balance and a healthy sense of looking out for yourself before you look out for others best interest.
bittersweet memories Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Take your power back & dump his a$$. XOM always drop kicked me after sex & this time I kept my cool, waited for his guilt to subside & calmly dumped his a$$. Wished him well, said I'd be fine. Almost 8 weeks ago & how do I feel??? FREE!!!!! Wahoooooo!!! Wow Heather its been 2 months already? How time flies.. Good girl keep it up..
katiecox Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Just this Satruday afternoon (in bed!) he said he didn't want us to be totally separate as he works through the pain of this D. He said "let's text a few times a day and talk once" (which is usually at night anyway). sigh HELL NO! Even I can see that that is a bogus load of crap to get you sucked into it. After a few texts, it's a few calls, then meet up for coffee, then bam! You're in bed again. I can see that even if I'm in the same situation. Turn your love into disgust or hate, and get out. I can't love a wimp, much less a compulsive liar / sociopath. Focus on all the negative aspects of the relationship. It will overwhelm every inch of you that loves him soon enough. Thinking like that always helps me get over some guy.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 HELL NO! Even I can see that that is a bogus load of crap to get you sucked into it. After a few texts, it's a few calls, then meet up for coffee, then bam! You're in bed again. I can see that even if I'm in the same situation. Turn your love into disgust or hate, and get out. I can't love a wimp, much less a compulsive liar / sociopath. Focus on all the negative aspects of the relationship. It will overwhelm every inch of you that loves him soon enough. Thinking like that always helps me get over some guy. Only if you promise to do the same thing, Katie!
califnan Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I'd ask for the quilt back. QUOTE] ------------------- That's what I was going to say .. Please get grandma's quilt back .. The rest will take care of itself, when you have finally had enough.. Do you want a man who only wants to leave his wife - if her door is closed.
fooled once Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I have learned that in spades. Not sure if she has, but so be it. That's not my problem. I can't help but wonder if she's past her point of leting him back in. Please don't tell me not to wonder what she thinks, because this all just happened (the newest text dump) within the last couple of hours. I'm still in the "what the hell happened?" phase and yes I am a human and am curious if she will let him back in. The funny thing is that the reason I'm curious now has more to do with whether or not he is "screwed" in a sense now that he told her to file and then let her, and now has so eloquently dumped me, too, after a weekend sex frolic. Wow, he drove a long way just for sex. I'm strong. Still not crying after two hours. It may be best that it happened right after he was here, it gives me more reason to hate him. But I love him. Right NOW I do. But for once I truly think that someday I will be jusssst fine. He is so sick, I can't even tell you. Same cycle different day. He has dumped you before via phone device, right? Either text or voicemail, right? I believe I told you in your post from yesterday this was going to happen. I will say, is it really fair to keep taking digs at his wife and HER actions? She is the one married to him, has kids with him. IF SHE decides to give it another shot, then that is her choice. YOU kept taking him back time and time and time again - even after being dumped via text. You have just known him a year - and in that year, how many times did you get together with him? See where I am going? At most, you spent what...60 total days with him? And this wasn't 60 continuious days - these were honeymoon days. Ya, I can see why you would say that. I guess this is the last bit of humiliation I can face. Its almost good that he did this right after a sex romp. It makes me madder, more disgusted, and ready to end this circle of lies. I also have an old friend (girlfriend) back in my life recently and she is spittin mad (she met MM thisd past weekend and he had her fooled as well... she thought he was so sweet and kind; he even carried her twin sister for 3 blocks because her foot was hurting from a surgery and she had worn uncomfortable shoes) So I have support, and I intend to use it He dumped you last time right after sex too - back in January, right? You have, in 12 months, been dumped 10 times .... yet you keep taking him back. After the last time, didn't you spend 3 days in an inpatient program? I also don't believe this is the end (and I hate saying that because I feel it brings you hope). Until YOU - not HIM - make the decision, then this cycle will continue. Please focus on your kids. Don't focus on what is going on with his wife, with their life, with their marriage. Focus on healing YOU, focus on why you keep taking him back. Focus on why you keep allowing him to do this to you.
califnan Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 When he does call/come back be sure to be friendly and kind, get him to show up with the quilt and then force his ass out the door. QUOTE] ----------------- Yes! Entrapment or whatever you have to do : Get grandma's quilt back ..
katiecox Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Only if you promise to do the same thing, Katie! I promise! He asked me to keep an expensive token of love that he bought for me and I just put it up on eBay. He even wanted to buy it back from me so he could have it! *rolls eyes* Great deal if anyone wants Hermes jewelry! I told him that he can wallow in his own sorrow or pity but I'm making MY OWN decisions now, because we're not together, and this token of love is gone forever! My choice! He called himself "spineless" yesterday for not being able to leave his wife. I want to hear him repeat that over and over again so I truly understand that he isn't a man!
Pink_orchid Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) I Miss The Kiss, sorry for your pain, yes you've been a fool, but he was charming and convincing and you fell for it, you won't be the first woman to do that and you won't be the last. I've done it myself! I had a boyfriend who kept dropping me and wanting me back (this guy was my proper boyfriend for two years, not married or anything) and I wasted a lot of time on him, thinking he was THE ONE, I kept taking him back, after all, I thought, why does he keep coming back. He loves me right? Well it never worked out, he couldn't commit, and it was very painful trying to get over him, oh did I cry. But I am over it. I finally threw out all his gifts and cards a couple of years ago, I'd kept them for a long time until they meant nothing to me any more (oh they were beautiful) and now I thank my lucky stars I never married him. So you will get over it. Honestly you will! And in any case, back to your MM, you have been silly but you're not half as much a fool as his pathetic wife, keep that in mind! Why do these woman (constantly betrayed wives) keep taking these men back. I just don't get it. They must know in their hearts that their husbands don't respect them. I'd like to be in a relationship, but not with someone who cheated on me all the time, would you? IMTK, hope you find the strength to leave him alone now. He will in all probability come back. But only please entertain the idea if he is completely free, divorced. That is not going to happen for a while, that means you would have a wait on your hands, should it happen at all, so either way, get up, get dressed and get out there, maybe, hopefully, while you're out there, you'll meet someone better who you love and is loyal and more consistent. Edited April 26, 2010 by Pink_orchid
califnan Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 As soon as you hear from him again - get an address where you can send a UPS call-tag with an empty box - to pick up the quilt..
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Not speaking for Bent, but the OP said in her post she was done, and then said she hoped MM would call so he she couldn't answer. I applaud the baby steps, but that's not ending it and moving on. That's waiting for more drama. Maybe in time she'll get to where she won't wait/expect/hope for a call. I appreciate the back up. But it's just Tami, don't let it bother you.
Always A Lesson Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Even if this guy has a divorce decree in his hands one day.... You still don't want him....... Run Forest Run !!!...... I've dealt with this kind of man before, they wear you out !!! mentally and emotionally. You get to the point you don't even know your own name......You start aging and losing hair from the back and forth stress..... Seriously, you have to think of him as "poison" because he is. Something that's not good for you... Whewww, a man can sure pull some hell-a-fide crap over on a woman opps ....(2 women)......(may be more victims out there somewhere) And he's married-none-the-less.....mind blowing! It's rainy, chilly and misty where I live and I was in the "missing him mode" Until I read your story.......I started feeling better....real quick!!!!! LOL... I'm F*ing glad my clown is out of my life and I was the dumper...
RedDevil66 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 IMISS: I've been a great supporter of you, but I am baffled as to why you keep doing this. I think you are passing the line into insanity. Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I don't believe you will ever have the strength to leave him. I'm really sad that you hate yourself so much that you would keep doing this to yourself. I still wish you well though. Sorry if my compassion is fading, but this is like watching a train wreck
RedDevil66 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 IMTK, hope you find the strength to leave him alone now. He will in all probability come back. But only please entertain the idea if he is completely free, divorced. That is not going to happen for a while, that means you would have a wait on your hands, should it happen at all, so either way, get up, get dressed and get out there, maybe, hopefully, while you're out there, you'll meet someone better who you love and is loyal and more consistent. I think she doesn't need to entertain this thought AT ALL! This guy is a total nut that has abused her over and over and OVERRRRRRRRRRRRR! Why on earth should she be with an abuser if he gets a divorce? He's going to cheat on her if they ever do end up together. Please read her pasts posts and see how insane this guy really is
RedDevil66 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Same cycle different day. He has dumped you before via phone device, right? Either text or voicemail, right? I believe I told you in your post from yesterday this was going to happen. I will say, is it really fair to keep taking digs at his wife and HER actions? She is the one married to him, has kids with him. IF SHE decides to give it another shot, then that is her choice. YOU kept taking him back time and time and time again - even after being dumped via text. You have just known him a year - and in that year, how many times did you get together with him? See where I am going? At most, you spent what...60 total days with him? And this wasn't 60 continuious days - these were honeymoon days. He dumped you last time right after sex too - back in January, right? You have, in 12 months, been dumped 10 times .... yet you keep taking him back. After the last time, didn't you spend 3 days in an inpatient program? I also don't believe this is the end (and I hate saying that because I feel it brings you hope). Until YOU - not HIM - make the decision, then this cycle will continue. Please focus on your kids. Don't focus on what is going on with his wife, with their life, with their marriage. Focus on healing YOU, focus on why you keep taking him back. Focus on why you keep allowing him to do this to you. x100000000000000000
Heather1 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I'm F*ing glad my clown is out of my life and I was the dumper... I agree!! Don't hate him, it's just so mentally exhausting!!
MizzBlue72 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 IMTK - honey - let him go - for good. He's only going to hurt you more. Start healing. Good luck.
BB07 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 IMTK......a man that really loves you, would not hurt you like this over and over again. What he is doing to you....IS NOT love in any shape or form. It is some kind of sick obsession with him and maybe you too. Real love protects you, cherishes you, puts you above all else, within reason of course. What you have had with this man is NONE of those things. It's destructive, it's painful, and it will destroy you if you let it. Get off the ride.....spinning around and around will only make you dizzier and sicker. Good luck to you IMTK.
tami-chan Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I appreciate the back up. But it's just Tami, don't let it bother you. LOL..I don't think she is..but you and I know why you posted that comment. Don't kid yourself. Hypocrisy and bitterness get very old.
tami-chan Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I agree!! Don't hate him, it's just so mentally exhausting!! Agree! Why hate..? work on being indifferent. You don't want to be posting here projecting your hatred to other people YEARS after!
bentnotbroken Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 LOL..I don't think she is..but you and I know why you posted that comment. Don't kid yourself. Hypocrisy and bitterness get very old. I posted for the OPand I don't have a clue what you know as you don't know what I know either, but glad you enjoyed it. Maybe one day she will decided to get off the ride instead of waiting for someone else to stop it for her. Good night Tami.
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