EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I wanted to create a thread on here regarding a piece of advice i seem to have been giving so many people on here. It regards facebook for those who have had someone break up with them. So when I have split with girls, my instinct is to shut off facebook. I have seen many people on here suggest that. It is a bad idea, particularly for those in college, it hampers your social life massively. When you have someone break up with you, you need your friends more than ever. If you go solitary, it stops you from getting better. So i say, if you should remove them from your mini-feed (I used to hate going on fb as I knew, since it is the mini-feed you see first, that I would see her updates whenever i logged on...(she goes is a massive facebooker)), and don't look at their wall ever. But don't delete them. That way, you won't have any regrets, if they want to contact you, they can. And if they see you getting on with your life, that is a very powerful thing for someone who felt you would never move on. I know the urge is there, but look at it logically. What do you think you will see? Do you think they will have a picture of you together as their profile pic? All you will see will upset you. Why do something you know will upset you?
GrayClouds Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 So when I have split with girls, my instinct is to shut off facebook. I have seen many people on here suggest that. It is a bad idea, particularly for those in college, it hampers your social life massively. When you have someone break up with you, you need your friends more than ever. If you go solitary, it stops you from getting better. Your premise is wrong. If turn off it off means going solitary, you all ready too isolated. If your connections to friends are based upon facebukkeke then you have not developed quality friends. One would be much better off shutting off facebukkeke, get connected with real people in the real world through hobbies, classes, clubs. This allow you to build a great network of support, a deeper understanding of yourself and some better social skills for the future. And for many getting over a break-up is as much to do with the lack of real human contact as it is missing the EX. The great human contact you have the faster healing can happen.
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 lol, um... ok i don't really know how to reply to that seriously... of course first and foremost, friendships are based on social contact, but the way things are these days, especially at college, you hear about events so much through fb... and things like staying in contact, when you spend 12 hours in-front of a screen writing essays are through it. Don't make out that everyone who relies in some way is a socially awkward geek... it's not the case...
northstar1 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 lol, um... ok i don't really know how to reply to that seriously... of course first and foremost, friendships are based on social contact, but the way things are these days, especially at college, you hear about events so much through fb... and things like staying in contact, when you spend 12 hours in-front of a screen writing essays are through it. Don't make out that everyone who relies in some way is a socially awkward geek... it's not the case... You need to at least get your ex off FB. Don't try and use it as a tool to prove to her that you moving on, and doing well.
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Sorry Ethan. This isn't wisdom... First of all, if someone needs Facebook to remain social, then they need to get out more...or their real life sucks and they rely on Facebook to retain any semblance of a life...when I was in college, I heard about stuff by talking to people...and Facebook didn't come into play until my senior year...suffice it to say, there was once a time when people lived without Facebook... And your logic behind keeping them as friends is flawed...there is absolutely no reason for them to be able to see your FB sh*t...and you will never even start to begin healing until you realize that what they think, know, or feel is completely irrelevant to your life...who cares if they see that you're moving on with your life...? They are no longer in your life, so it doesn't matter whatsoever...and this "powerful thing" you speak of...? To what end...? Getting them back...? And you're right, why see something that will upset you? That's why you delete and block. Sorry, but I'm going to have to put the FAIL label on this advice...
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 lol, ok well there is a problem here because ultimately a lot of what happens at college now is organised around facebook, it is a fact. It isn't just my college, it is the way things are now. And it doesn't mean people don't communicate between each other face to face, to suggest that is just naive. When people have a massive group of friends, a thing like facebook plays a big part in peoples lives. I'm not saying someone couldn't have a social life without it, but it supplements most peoples lives massively. As for my ex and fb etc, I'm not keeping on there to prove anything to her, but why burn bridges when I have no idea about the future. The way I have it, is I can get on with my life, without cutting someone out of my life. I haven't look at her profile in about 3 weeks, don't have the urge to, and won't if she never contacts me. The fact you tell me my advice is not great is very arrogant... anyone who is at college now will read it and see where i'm coming from, even if you don't...and i did it to try to help people...
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 lol, ok well there is a problem here because ultimately a lot of what happens at college now is organised around facebook, it is a fact. It isn't just my college, it is the way things are now. And it doesn't mean people don't communicate between each other face to face, to suggest that is just naive. When people have a massive group of friends, a thing like facebook plays a big part in peoples lives. I'm not saying someone couldn't have a social life without it, but it supplements most peoples lives massively. Fair enough. Then keep Facebook on. As for my ex and fb etc, I'm not keeping on there to prove anything to her, but why burn bridges when I have no idea about the future. The way I have it, is I can get on with my life, without cutting someone out of my life. It's funny that you should say that...but hasn't your ex cut you out of her life...? Why the heck would you want to keep her in yours...? Just doesn't make much sense... And with your theory, that would imply that Facebook is the only way she could ever contact you...so no phone, email, IM, or way to see you in person...? The fact you tell me my advice is not great is very arrogant... anyone who is at college now will read it and see where i'm coming from, even if you don't...and i did it to try to help people... They may see where you're coming from, but it's not going to help them move on...it'll all just become a silly game they're going to try to play with their ex in the "afterlife"... And if arrogant is what I am, then so be it. Heck, I'll even be very arrogant...but alas, I too, am trying to help people...
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 I just don't agree that you have to be spiteful to an ex when you don't feel they have done that much wrong. Facebook is a big thing to most. And keeping someone on there as a friend isn't playing games. It is a way of moving on in my view. My ex hasn't cut me off, and yes she could contact me if she wants in another way. But i'm sure people would say that it doesn't matter. so yeah, my view is that you don't have to totally remove someone from anything to do with you in order to move on with your life...proof of the fact is that my ex nearly got back with me based on seeing what i was doing on that site, it allows her to see if she wants, it's not playing games, i don't update it for her, i do it for myself, why should i not use it like any of my friends? I don't hate her, yeah i still love her, but it seems to be working for me, so why wouldn't it work for anyone else?
mickleb Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 It's not being spiteful. It's about being practical and accepting your loss. You haven't healed, Ethan and thinking like this proof of the fact is that my ex nearly got back with me based on seeing what i was doing on that site won't help you. Unless it is, actually, all about ego for you (which your posts are beginning to suggest: you're the one coming across as quite arrogant.) In addition, I have nothing against Facebook, itself. In the right hands, it is simply a communication tool but the phrase "massive group of friends" is an oxymoron, non? Hope you get over her quickly. x
Author EthanH Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 I don't know how I come over as arrogant. My initial reason for writing this was to say that those people on here who say that they have broken up with someone, and then spend all their time looking at their profiles are just making things more difficult for themselves. But things aren't black and white for everyone. People on here have experience of break-ups, but they shouldn't act like they can predict every situation based on their experience. I just think that people can sort their own lives out, spend some time thinking about themselves, putting themselves first, even maybe for a while, while not shutting off from their ex. There is no rule that an ex won't decide they made a mistake and come back, just because it is unlikely, doesn't mean it isn't possible. Just because it hasn't happened to some of the advisors on this site, doesn't mean it won't happen. And as for my ex, yeah, she told me it was seeing that I was doing my own thing (something which i may add, I had not engineered for her, or made an effort to advertise this to her on facebook) that made her realise that she had taken me for granted, and that I wasn't the downtrodden guy that she had seen at the end of our relationship. So for whatever reason, it had an impact... granted it didn't work out in the end, but there is nothing to say that it wouldn't work for someone else. But i have to strongly point out again, I'm not suggesting that you try and play games with an ex to make it look like you are getting on great... but you have to live your life and if you doing that makes you more attractive to them, then great, but i was doing it for myself, not her. I will try and explain about how it is at my college. My college is a fairly small college, it has say 8,000 students. It is a very tight knit town, whereby the social events are organised by societies, and are wide ranging, people plan their social lives around these events, and the way they are advertised is on facebook. Sure you can hear about them from friends. But things move so quickly, and it is so much the norm, that people just sign up for things and if you miss out, you miss out. And as for my group of friends, yeah I have a good group of friends, some closer than others, but that is why, when attending events, the only way to know about it is on facebook. Sometimes tickets go on sale 10 mins after the group for the fb event is updated, so without facebook, you would just miss out. And knowing friends from other colleges, this is the norm. I'm not saying it is a healthy situation, but it is the way things are.
hater13 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 You need to at least get your ex off FB. Don't try and use it as a tool to prove to her that you moving on, and doing well. My ex (who broke up with me) is using it as a tool to show he's moved on. He never cared for facebook before we were together or even while we were together, now he's in love with it. He used to tell me I was a facebook addict, guess it's the other way around now. It's kind of pathetic seeing his attempt at making up for his guilt and regret
sphx26 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 The message has given me the impression that facebook plays a big role in our lives, which I completely agree to. Although it is not everything, it is indeed something. Going through a breakup lately, I would say that it is best to delete them from my facebook. I got dumped, and deleting them is not a way to act like in a bitter way but rather to delete them because they do not have a right to know anything about my life anymore. So I deleted her off and as far future communication goes, I made my email address public.lol. She can contact me there if she wants to. Lastly, deleting them off facebook(and every evidence) has made me take a huge step forward in moving on,I'm not closing doors in future communication but I'm doing this now for my own sake.Well, I guess this just goes to say that every person is unique and has different ways of moving on.So whatever floats your boat, right?
northstar1 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Back when an ex and I broke up a few years back I did the same thing Ethan did. Took her feed off so I didn't see her updates, since she was addicted to FB and every update was something how great her life was. And I made the mistake of trying to imply I was living a fantastic life even though I was hurting, so that she might notice and think I had moved on. Hell, I barely even used FB before that point. But after a while I realized that I was still expending mental energy on her by doing that. And truth be told looking back, she really didn't care what I was up to and likely rarely even noticed. It was a waste of time and I deleted her and never looked back. It's an unhealthy attempt at projecting an image to someone who no longer wants to be with you.
In-The-Wheat Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 (edited) LOL, facebook is so lame when it comes to relationships... to burn a bridge or not, check up on her or not, let her know what I'm doing or not? It's stupid & really hurts the healing process I've found. When my ex broke up with me, I deleted her from my friends about 2 days later. A few days after that, I noticed she removed my brother (lol) like a counter move to mine, but for some reason kept one of my best friends (only mutual friend on FB). A week later (still on a roller coaster of emotions) I convinced myself it was a little stupid/childish to remove her thinking she might hate me or something b/c facebook means sooo much to some (for some reason) so I tried to refriend her... lol, yea that was cool - it was denied. I felt like a complete idiot but don't really care now. (almost 3 weeks NC!! Yea!) In the future no matter who does the dumping I'll just let the other person figure out what they want to do. Facebook is dumb in this category. Edited April 27, 2010 by In-The-Wheat
sphx26 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 When my ex broke up with me, I deleted her from my friends about 2 days later. A week later (still on a roller coaster of emotions) I convinced myself it was a little stupid/childish to remove her thinking she might hate me or something b/c facebook means sooo much to some (for some reason) so I tried to refriend her... lol, yea that was cool - it was denied. I felt like a complete idiot but don't really care now. (almost 3 weeks NC!! Yea!) lol... I can't help but comment on this as it is very similar to mine,hahaha. Well when my ex dumped me, as we were still talking, I removed her from facebook already! As with thinking it's a stupid/childish move, I tried adding her back and end up getting rejected.lol it's my 6th day of NC now and I intend to stay that way. Hurting less and less and I do not cry as often and as hard as I used to.
CaliGuy Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 No. When you breakup you don't shut off FaceBook. You simply DELETE your ex from your friends and BLOCK them. Solves the problem. Stops the "net" stalking. Allows you to move on. Any questions?
Author EthanH Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 i can understand why you think that. I just disagree. You are talking about if it is totally over. And people come on here, it isn't always as cut and dried as that. I just think your advice is too extreme.
ohwhyme Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I deleted my facebook, thought it was a waste of time anyway. When I deleted my ex and her friends, her friends wrote to me and thought that what happened between my ex and I shouldn't affect my friendship with my ex's friends. Then I read on FB about her friend hanging out with my ex and some other guy. Then I decided to shut it all off. Facebook is hell. They stalk you just to see if you've moved on with your life. She told me that the first time we broke up that she used to stalk me. So this time, I took it all off. I don't need facebook. It really is best to remove ALL contact.
Chochobong Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 (edited) I use Facebook to stay in touch with people and friends that I personally know, so no, I won't delete my account. I don't care about the # of friends I have nor requesting friends of friends who I've never met. My advice, block your EX and then delete any of her friends that you do not have a personal stake with. Do you honestly see yourself hanging with this person without having a connection with your EX? If not, Delete. More than not people won't notice you de-friended them. If they ask, tell them the truth why you did it, no hard feelings. If you later become friends with someone you deleted, re-add them. Edited April 28, 2010 by Chochobong
CaliGuy Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 i can understand why you think that. I just disagree. You are talking about if it is totally over. And people come on here, it isn't always as cut and dried as that. I just think your advice is too extreme. Meh. That's the answer I get to most people who won't let go and move on with their lives. It's more cut and dry than most believe. They just don't want to admit it when it's over. They keep wanting to make mountains out of mole hills. It's frankly a lot easier to recover, heal and move on when you let go of someone who's already let go of you. Cheers.
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