My ex said she is 'shutting off'

[EthanH]

OK this is aimed to those of you on here who have experience of being the one to break up with someone. It concerns being able to 'switch-off' your emotions. I have put as brief a description of what has happened, but if you don't want to read that, just read the stuff in bold.

 

I have had such a messy break-up. We had a week of no contact, then a week of drunken hook-ups, the week after we had a massive argument, then we had about a month of no contact (apart from a 2 hour skype conversation which she said made her miss me, as I was away and was moving on (not from her but i was socialising, visiting great places, showing ambition etc)) and then about two weeks ago, she told me she missed me. The main thing she told me was that:

 

'I think for both of us, this would be easier if I just cut you off, if I made it final. But I know that you know that, that isn't what I want. I still love you, I just don't know what to do. So I would rather just be straight with you, and that is probably what you want also.'

 

So she was confused. We met each other by chance the next day, it was one of those moments whereby we were standing in-front of each other, and you could just sense in the air that we wanted to hug each other, but resisted as my flatmates were in the car next to us. Later that day, by chance also, we spoke on fb chat, for like 2 hours, she told me (I thought it was a joke at the time, but she assured me she was serious) that all we needed to do was give each other a hug, and things would be better. I went over to her place that night, just turned up there, and she hugged me for what seemed like an hour. I then tried to kiss her, she resisted, but then kissed me back. She told me afterwards that it was the best kiss she has ever had. It was passionate, but tender. However I remember her saying 'maybe the best way forward is just not to think'... she locked the front door from the inside, as if to suggest I would stay over at hers. I remember she got annoyed by me looking awkward. We were about to sleep with each other, when she stopped and told me 'I cannot do this...' ... i asked why and she told me the week before, she had slept with a guy she met in a bar. She tried to explain it as her feeling unattractive, and wanted to be close to someone. She said when she did it, she felt a combination of an urge to 'be on autopilot as this was how she had to act now she was single' and a feeling of missing me. That she felt so guilty when she did it. It was the day after she spoke to me on skype, and she later told me she was trying to get over me. I was obviously gutted to hear it, but I remember saying to her 'right, well i'm upset about it, but after tonight, i'm not going to mention it again'... i figured she was single when it happened and I had also done something similar, but I knew at the time that I probably cared about her more than I ever had when it happened.

 

We slept together, and then for the next few days, she texted me as if we were together, but she kept mentioning that she felt we were different. It was pretty obvious why. When we were going out, it was very unusual we would have a day when we wouldn't be in some form of contact. She was also so needy to me, in the 2-3 weeks before we broke up, she did more things on her own, something which was really healthy. She said in this time, she felt weird, as she was forcing herself to do more for herself and yet she still wanted to be with me all the time. So essentially, I think her change since we split is that she realises now, that she doesn't need me, she can get on ok on her own.

 

Sunday night was the night we had the big chat and slept with each other. Tuesday night i was out with friends, came back to my flat to pick up my phone before planning on going back out for a night out. She was on her way back home from the library in a taxi, jumped out the taxi... I remember she was annoyed that I didn't see her getting out, I had walked about 100 yards as I didn't know it was her, she shouted at me down the street. I asked her about it later and she said she hated that she seemed needy/clingy. I walked her home. She told me she had a night out planned on the wednesday for a friend from works birthday. I remember i looked a little unsure about it, and she laughed and said 'i had nothing to worry about, that she had hooked up with guys when she thought it was over, and that sunday had made her doubt that. I'm not going to help you.'...

 

The next day, we met up, i went for lunch at hers. She asked me to see her new shoes in her room. Then said she was going to show me a dress that she thought would go with it. She stripped down to her underwear. To this day, I still have no idea why I acted awkwardly. I averted my gaze, even though I didn't have a problem with it. I have no idea why I did it. But she basically jumped on me, and we slept together.

 

I next spoke to her the next morning,she called me asking to meet for coffee, but i on my way out of town. For that day we texted back and forth, everything seemed fine. i came back at night and she was out with a few friends having. The way i read it was that she planned on having one drink. She texted me randomly, and at the end said 'being single and still being close seems ok, or is that just me?'... I had no idea what she was trying to suggest, wasn't sure if she was trying to get me to say, 'no i want to be with you properly etc etc' so i replied saying 'i'm surprised you use the word single, after what has happened this week... but if that is what you want'...

 

i asked her to meet me, she initially said yes, but then texted back to say she was drunk and talk but didn't want to be 'drunk and insincere'... i said i didn't want to talk, just meet her... i didn't really think it through, she agreed, i told her a bar at which i would meet her. A minute before she was due to meet me, she texted to say she was too drunk and she didn't think it was a good idea to meet me. I was annoyed, i have accepted everything throughout the break-up, given her space whens he wanted it etc etc, but so i went round to the bar she was in and asked to speak to her. She was annoyed, when we were alone she told me 'i love you as a person, but i'm not in love with you'... and that she felt she had 'emotionally moved on'...i tried to leave, she tried to stop me, wanted to hug me etc, and then i asked her if anything had happened the night before. She said that she had kissed a guy. A guy who had shown an interest in her in the time we were on the long period of no contact. I said to her 'but you said i had nothing to worry about' and her reply was 'well you didn't, if you hadn't have asked, you wouldn't know, and we are single atm'...

 

since that, we haven't had much contact, that was about 2 weeks ago. My flatmate is her best friend, and i know my ex has been going out with the only incentive to get as drunk as possible as often as possible.

 

And this is what I want to ask you about. If you have broken up with someone. If you know in your heart that you love them, but the situation is just too stressful and complicated to work out in your head. If you feel the only way is to shut out your feelings for them (as she said she had tried to do during our break-up, but it hadn't worked. Does that work eventually? She admits she tries to 'shut off'... but can that really work? Convincing herself she is moving on, setting up dates with guys, and yet she did all this before and then still told me she still loved me. She tried to blame me for us getting back, as i had been so persuasive and just wouldn't let go. I know her well enough as a person to know that she is stronger than that, if she didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't have. I miss her so much, and the fact she told me not to believe her even when she said she is certain has messed with my head so much. She admits she knows she is running away, stopping herself from dealing with her emotions, but can this way of acting ever work?

[northstar1]

Look at her actions, not words my man. I know it hurts, trust me.

Some deal with breakups by turning inward, reflecting, etc. Some try to dull the pain by going out and either drinking or someother vice, or they date others.

 

My ex and I talked about living together, getting a dog etc, and in the end she wasn't willing to fight for it and walked away. Analzying their past actions and words doesn't mean you can predict their future behaviour. My ex has a history of running from relationships at the first sign of trouble. They can't convince themselves that relationships aren't always smooth and that it takes work. Some would rather shut down and almost self destruct things as a way to reinforce past beliefs.

 

She may miss you, love you etc, but she isn't willing to make it work and that's the harsh reality here that most with breakups have to deal with. It sucks.

[EthanH]

haha I know mate, you give great advice, I just want to look at this whole 'shutting off' situation...i don't think it will inform me as to how she is going to act in the future, but I do want to understand what happens when you 'shut off' against your emotions...

[northstar1]

haha I know mate, you give great advice, I just want to look at this whole 'shutting off' situation...i don't think it will inform me as to how she is going to act in the future, but I do want to understand what happens when you 'shut off' against your emotions...

 

I don't think it is necessarily they are shutting them off, but either choosing to deal with them through acting out (again, drinking, partying, hooking up) or try to compartmentalize them and carry on with life.

 

She's choosing to deal by going out, drinking etc. She'd rather do that, then sit down and work through it with you. I'm not sure how much of it is a product of her age, or her inexperience witih relationships, or that is just how she's choosing to deal. Probably a little of both. It's crappy to watch from the sidelines, because you see the self destructive behaviour and underneath you recognize they love you, but you can't do a damn thing about it.

[monkeymaid]

you go into a forced state of denial. essentially you act as if nothing ever happened

[EthanH]

when you say 'you' is that what you do when you 'shut off' or is that some advice for me?

 

I just think, and maybe I'm being naive, you can shut off your feelings for a while, you can convince yourself you are moving on, but eventually, it hits you that you still feel what you feel...and maybe it won't happen today,or tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but surely it will happen, right? I sound pathetic, i know... i just keep thinking about her saying she was 'shutting off' and i wonder why she would have to do that...

[monkeymaid]

she is shutting off.

she is forcing herself to function as if you were never together and forget your relationship ever happened. its called stuffing down your feelings.

 

you go ahead and let everything come at you.

 

you are right she will turn into an unemotional head case who cant figure out why she is so stressed out. if you choose to switch off your emotions, its usually a stress response so that you can function in the here and now, but would ideallycome back to them later ( a few weeks.

 

from experience, my ex has stuffed her feelings for just shy of 25 years. (shes 26) its her deep seeded belief that strong people are unemotinal and functional at all times. she doesnt want her parents to think less of her (which would mean she thought less of herself) , so she remains emotionally detached, and distant from anything that resembles feelings. she was changing slowly when we got together, which is why i actually started dating her, but then when things got a little tough (i work 2 jobs and go to school), she cheated. it was becasue she didnt want to feel the emotion and her sense of self came from other people (like her parents). since shes all groweds up, and men give her more attention than a fat kid gives his ice cream, and shes trying to get out from under her parents view of her, she turned to her salsa dancing crowd and used the fact that she is one of the best dancers in LA to attract some fireman attention.

 

dude. ....stop talkng to her. let her ****ing go.

 

 

how many time do you have to get kicked in the nuts to know that it hurts?

[GrayClouds]

Go out and buy the book "No More Mr Nice Guy"

 

Learn healthy boundaries.

 

Stop trying to "fix" her your not her hired therapist, your her EX.

 

She is playing you like a second hand fiddle.

 

You not missing her your missing sex.

 

Shutting off - I get to have my cake and eat it too...guilt free!

Edited April 26, 2010 by GrayClouds

[EthanH]

that just isn't true, of course i'm missing sex, but to me, i'm not 12, i have had a fair amount of sex, and i have good and bad sex, and yet with her, it was just different...so yeah, i'm missing that, but i'm mainly missing her...

 

as for the shutting off... she is shutting off atm, and she doesn't have me, that is the point... she didn't shut off when she was back with me...to me, it comes over as her coping mechanism, but i want to know from someone who has done this, to know how they felt when they finally realised they couldn't just run away from their feelings...?

 

but thanks for your advice....

[GrayClouds]

 

and i have good and bad sex, and yet with her, it was just different...

 

We slept together.

 

Sunday night was the night we had the big chat and slept with each other.

 

But she basically jumped on me, and we slept together.

 

Ok I stand correct (do not know where I got the wrong impression...):

 

Go out and buy the book "No More Mr Nice Guy"

 

Learn healthy boundaries.

 

Stop trying to "fix" her your not her hired therapist, your her EX.

 

She is playing you like a second hand fiddle.

 

You not missing her your missing sex.

 

Shutting off - I get to have my cake and eat it too...guilt free!

[EthanH]

Ok I stand correct (do not know where I got the wrong impression...):

 

Go out and buy the book "No More Mr Nice Guy"

 

Learn healthy boundaries.

 

Stop trying to "fix" her your not her hired therapist, your her EX.

 

She is playing you like a second hand fiddle.

 

You not missing her your missing sex.

 

Shutting off - I get to have my cake and eat it too...guilt free!

 

haha i find your reply both annoying and humourous in equal measures.

 

Um, no offense, but why is it on here that people think they have all the answers for every query... all i was asking was for people who have been in her position and 'shut off'... but again, thanks for your reply...

[GrayClouds]

haha i find your reply both annoying and humourous in equal measures.

 

Um, no offense, but why is it on here that people think they have all the answers for every query... all i was asking was for people who have been in her position and 'shut off'... but again, thanks for your reply...

 

haha i find your reply both annoying and humourous in equal measures.

 

That may suggest we are on to something with the reply....

 

Um, no offense, but why is it on here that people think they have all the answers for every query...

 

None taken. Possible for the opposite reason people post for advice and then get annoyed when they do not get the answer they want but an answer that may actually be constructive help.

 

all i was asking was for people who have been in her position and 'shut off'... but again, thanks for your reply...

 

If you would like a longer answer here goes. She my suffer from dissociation, a significant psychological disorder. A partial or full disruption of the integration of a person’s conscious/psychological functioning. It means a person will distance thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity from a situation. It can be result or current or earlier trauma and/or use of drugs as a way to keep from processing a excess of stimulus of a current event trauma or reminder of past experience, such as abuse. This condition is characterized by a mark difference in behavioral patterns which is usually extremely insetting for the individual. It is not to be confused with avoidance behavior that allows an individual an opportunity to disavow chosen actions to keep from claiming responsibility. If she her shutting off is result of dissociation, she really needs to be working with a professional. If not, it is simply a convenient way of saying "I get to have my cake and eat it too...guilt free!"

[EthanH]

thanks for your reply, very interesting stuff... i studied psych as my minor at college but dropped it last year...

 

the thing i have to ask however is, how can she even think she can have her cake and eat it? I mean, if i was still there, i would agree, but she has pushed me away, and she says she wants me to accept that (although she did say she isn't going to stop loving me after 2 minutes so in the future, she doesn't know)...so she has her cake... but isn't eating it... if that makes sense?

 

the shutting off thing in my eyes is just avoidance, it is her way, to act like she is having fun when she is with people and then to sulk and mope at all other times... i think it is the sheer novelty of the situation, i think she is getting a thrill from being able to pretend she is 'living her life' on her own, but she has just transfered her neediness to other people, friends say she is always asking them to be with her, go everywhere with her (that was usually me), and so she hasn't really solved the problem...eventually, the thrill of feeling liberated and self-sufficient will go... it is when she is on her own, like shortly before we got back together briefly, when she cannot escape the reality of the situation and it hits her how much she has been covering up how much she has missed me (most of this assertion is based on what she has told me) I'm not saying that is the healthy basis for any kind of relationship, it should be more than a simple 'grass is always greener' mentality, but it is just the way she is atm. I still love her so much, I cannot tell you how much I miss her, and I think I'm doing pretty well atm, it's just small things remind me of her and i spend 5 mins being terrible... then i get annoyed with myself and things pick up again....

Edited April 26, 2010 by EthanH

[EthanH]

what are you on about?!

[GrayClouds]

Her Cake - you pining for her and knowing if she says the word you will be there, the boyfriend in waiting.

Eating it Too - She gets to do what she wants with who she wants, as a happy single.

 

Try to understand no matter what you says she saying, no matter what you think she thinks, no matter what you believe you know what she believes, she is happy with her actions and choices. That is reality everything else is simply you projecting in hope to make yourself feel better. It is time to really start letting go.

 

She has not come back so the grass is still greener, and when she finds its not she will find another pasture to graze not go back to the first field. Mean while she want to keep her "Cake" in the refrigerator as long as possible because it builds her ego.

[EthanH]

ok, i just have one question, how can you be sure she is happy?... you tell me why i should believe that is the case? because you seem so sure of it.

[GrayClouds]

ok, i just have one question, how can you be sure she is happy?... you tell me why i should believe that is the case? because you seem so sure of it.

 

Her actions, not her words, communicates it.

 

If she was not happy she would being doing something different. If she was happier in the realtionship she would be knocking down your door on hands and knees beginning for your love.

 

If you have not, read the following, if you have read it again:

 

So you want a second chance?

[EthanH]

i don't think she is happy, but i feel from what others have said, and what she said when we last spoke, that she feels she is stuck in her decision, that we have both moved on, but she is apparently crying all the time, she has massive guilt for messing me around, and she says she misses me every day... i think it is that she feels she has to stick to her decision as it isn't fair on me to be unsure when she knows i like her so much... and that is something which sadly isn't going to change.

[GrayClouds]

i don't think she is happy, but i feel from what others have said, and what she said when we last spoke, that she feels she is stuck in her decision, that we have both moved on, but she is apparently crying all the time, she has massive guilt for messing me around, and she says she misses me every day... i think it is that she feels she has to stick to her decision as it isn't fair on me to be unsure when she knows i like her so much... and that is something which sadly isn't going to change.

 

You thinking does not change her actions, her feelings are not changing her action, her words are not changing her actions. You are trying very hard to rationalize not letting go, because to do so means she does not care about you as much as you care about her. And that sucks. You deserve better then that and it is a shame she was not able to give that to you. Though until you let this go, you can not heal and grow in a way that will help you find someone who can give you all that you deserve.

 

i like her so much... and that is something which sadly isn't going to change.

 

Your affections for this women is obvious, so is the pain your in because she does care as much as you do. It will change as soon as you understand that you deserve better then what she gave you, that someone should love you as deeply as you loved her, and you are in control of your own happiness.

 

It is time to try something new, let go and start focusing on the person that really deserves your love, you. Start by reading and doing:

So you want a second chance?

[northstar1]

Ethan, you are in the tough spot right now after a breakup where you are still in somewhat of a denial stage. It is part of the Grief cycle (there are 5 stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. A breakup is a form of grieving, like any other traumatic life event. There is no set progression and timeline in the stages, and people can move between stages at various times. Some skip stages entirely in fact.

 

It's not a bad thing, or a criticism of you. It is a defence mechanism.

Right now you are searching for a way to make sense of it. To form a sensible relation between the love you had, and the current situation. It's hard to do when you are still in an emotional state.

 

You are looking at past conversations with her, her friends and past actions and trying to understand why after all that you are not together. And I know because I've done it with my breakup. I railed against the fact that it was really over, and she may not come back. That she would choose to move on without me in life and not want to fight for it. Yes, my ex loved me and we had many conversations about how we'd both never had such a profound connection or love or sex with anyone else.

 

So you then ask yourself, well, how can they give that up? How can they not want not to be with me?

 

The answer is not easy. But at some point, they made a decision that it wasn't what they wanted. That decision may have been born out of frustration, misunderstanding, immaturity, falling back on past habits, hurt etc. And when they make that decision, it leave us feeling fragile and powerless.

 

In your mind you are having a battle trying to figure out how to change it, to make them understand that it was a mistake, that they are giving up a wonderful thing, that if they give it a chance again it will work.

 

The denial comes from a rejection , consciously or unconciously of the facts and their current behaviour. We deny it because we don't want to accept it - because that means a present and a future without them. And that hurts, badly. When people tell us it's over, we deny it because they can't possibly be right, or they can't possibly know our ex's and what we shared. But those of us who have gone through this before are just giving you advice based on experience and the current reality you've presented to us.

 

The acceptance comes when you finally realize that you can't make someone do something they aren't willing to do. That they made the decision,and rightly or wrongly as you see it, it's theirs to make. Once you can accept that you can't do anything but live you own life and create your own happiness is when you can move on and let go.

 

I'm not saying that the future with this girl is written in stone. Maybe she changes her mind one day and realizes she made a mistake. But you need to grasp the power you do have, which is over your own choices and your own happiness.