I just found out my husband cheated on me!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I understand what your saying WomanInBlue...and I know how gross it does seem and all. Thats like me right now being with a 16 yr old..sickening to even think about it. I guess that just shows you his maturity level. I messed up...what can I say. I don't regret anything though. I have matured and I have the greatest smartest kid anyone could ask for..despite the bullcrap his father has put us through. Today I feel good actually. My spirits are up a bit..and the less I see him the better I feel. I don't miss him..and his voice at this point..but who knows later on in the evening. I think while he's upnorth with my son this weekend...I will start packing somethings at home. My mother and gf have both said they will come help..might be a smart idea. Afterall this IS the time to sell..and if I could walk away with a bit of cash..thats even better for me!

[seren]

It is very early days and emotions will be all over the place, it is never, ever easy to deal with the why's, what ifs, especially if you aren't getting any answers, or maybe you don't want to know at present and are just in coping mode. It sounds like things are happening very fast, D Day, then leaving, then house selling all in a matter of days. I would advise, slow down, think about what you want, what is best for you and your son and what you need to do to make that happen. It also sounds like there is a lot of focus on selling your home, is this to stop thinking about ending the marriage? or numbing the pain?

 

The months after D Day are very, very surreal, like watching something pan out without really taking part. Of course you are hurt, angry, sad, lost, mad as hell and every other emotion from A to Z. It is normal. I wouldn't even try to figure out why this particular OW, frankly, I would be more concerned with why my H chose to do this to me and my son, whether I really wanted to end my marriage or try to make it work. All options to consider.

 

On a practical note, I wouldn't ever move out of my home. Think about 6 months from now and whether your current living arrangements will work. It just all seems so fast and possibly reactionary.

I am 2 1/2 years out from D Day, we worked through it. I cannot imagine making rational decisions early on after D Day, hell, I could just about manage to decide whether to wake up or not, it must be so hard with a young child. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

[Katerina]

Don't make any life-changing decisions right now (e.g. selling the house, divorce). It's way too soon. You're in shock, and he probably too because his secret is out. This is the advice more than one psychologists will tell you. You need to wait until the emotions are not running so high... maybe keep doing what you're doing - stay with your mom if this works out for you right now. Then later you and your H will be able to think more clearly and make the right decisions. But not so soon after D-Day.

 

Despite my own struggles in my marriage, the statistics still show that most marriages survive an affair and actually become stronger (doesn't hurt to hope, right?).

[stillafool]

Okay well I know I'm going through many raw emotions at this point...and my theory is "if" he showed extreme remorse and wanted to go to counseling or seek some sort of help..then I'd at least know he was making an effort to try to get his life and family back. But he isn't so what is he showing me? He really doesn't care? How when he tells me he loves me..and keeps asking if I'm making the right decision in wanting to sell the house and what not. I'm so confused. I am at loss of what to feel and do at this point.

 

Why not come out and ask him if he wants a divorce or if he wants to work on the marriage? Why don't people communicate? Him offering to paint the house for resell is not a good sign that he wants to work it out. Another posters wife was having an affair and she kept going back and forth with him as if she wanted to work out the marriage. When he finally came out and asked her she said she still wanted to go through with a divorce. You never know until you ask.

 

Should I sell my house right now? Will he continue seeing her?

 

Whose idea was it to sell the house originally?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

1 week and 2 days after D-Day...I'm still a mess but have gone back home. Undecided what to do with my life at this point. House selling was my decision earlier...and yes I suppose I could've just been acting on emotions at that point...although my family is telling me I should go through with it.

My son was supposed to go upnorth with his father this weekend..and well after much discussion my son pleaded with me to go...as well as my spouse..saying we needed to just get away for the day..clear our thoughts. At first there was no way in hell...but I eventually caved in with the look on my sons face. His family was there and they were extremely surprised yet very happy to see me. Of course his mother gave me this huge hug and kiss and started crying when she saw me. I didn't expect the emotions from them..but it helped to know I was still loved and welcomed to their family with open arms.

Needless to say...I'm not sure if that was the smartest thing to do...as I'm still an emotional mess. We talked a lot this weekend..which was good in a way...but I still have a lot of questions. I don't want to believe he'll continue this with this bitch..but how can I be so sure.

 

He has given me many reasons why he wants to work on us and our relationship and I can see some changes in him...which I guess his pot usage was very low this weekend. We kissed and hugged and cuddled...something we havent done in months. I just dont want to be the fool at the end of the day. Still very confused and hurt to say the least...all I can do is take it one day at a time from here.

[hopesndreams]

It is way to soon after Dday for him to get kissed, hugged and cuddled by you. What has he done to deserve it?

 

I'm sorry PP, but doing this has made you weak in his eyes and what little respect he has had for you, is now gone.

 

as I'm still an emotional mess

 

Do the 180. You need to gain your strength.

[ConflictedGuy27]

1 week and 2 days after D-Day...I'm still a mess but have gone back home. Undecided what to do with my life at this point.

 

This is an important self observation that you've made, and in my opinion where you should be attempting to focus your thoughts.

 

I appreciate that its early in the process for you; however, you'll want to direct your attention toward seriously answering the following question:

 

"What's best for my child, what do I want, and is there such a plan (that is reasonable and practical) that can be implemented that allows the best for my child and the best for me?

"

Answering that question is tough, so you should get started.

You should also begin to focus your attention on what your "line in the sand" looks like.

 

He has given me many reasons why he wants to work on us and our relationship and I can see some changes in him...which I guess his pot usage was very low this weekend. We kissed and hugged and cuddled...something we havent done in months. I just dont want to be the fool at the end of the day. Still very confused and hurt to say the least...all I can do is take it one day at a time from here.

 

What does your line in the sand look like? Is marijuana okay? Is that a good thing for your young child to be around? Does violence occur often?

 

With your child involved, your decisions must reflect ones that are best for him/her, since your child can not chose for itself right now.

 

Your H says that he's given you reasons why he wants to work on your relationship and you can see changes? That's nice; however, it may be irrelevant depending on what it is that you want, and what your line in the sand looks like.

 

With regard to his "bitch" and him still seeing/communicating with her; realistically, it will be difficult to determine whether or not communication/visits are still taking place. This is something you'll also have to temper your decisions with - trust has been shattered.

 

With regard to rebuilding trust, the injuring spouse has damn near all of the work to do really. You'll very likely want some iron clad assurance that contact between your H and the OW has stopped. This can only come w/ his complete cooperation and I would suspect only a fully remorseful spouse that was willing to work things out would jump through all the hoops required to satisfy your desire to KNOW that its OVER.

 

Again, its early, so please take all of what we say as food for thought. I would suggest that you find some place where you can clear your mind and think some how.

 

As other posters have mentioned, the emotions your feeling will have some impact on your ability to reason and make decisions. Take your time mulling these things over.

 

Also, take care of yourself physically. When I went through what you were going through, my eating and sleeping habits were effected also.

 

Here are my suggestions regarding taking care of yourself:

 

1. Keep small snacks in you bag and/or with you at work or places you frequent. You mentioned that your appetite is gone. Your body still needs fuel though, obviously... For me i had zero desire to eat regular sized meals. What I did instead was I made sure that I had at least 2 protein shakes a day and ate little things here and there (e.g. string cheese, granola bars, crackers and cheese). Whatever you like that's small enough for you to take with you. Develop a schedule and eat at the times you're suppose to, whether you're hungry or not.

 

2. Regarding sleep. Make an effort to go to bed 1 to 2 hours earlier than your normal bed time; whether you feel tired or sleepy or not, do it! You'll feel better in the AM; at least I did. Another plus, I was able to mull over a lot of what I was thinking about my situation, in general, before going to bed. I would think about what I should be doing, and other times when completely over taken by emotion I would take the time to just feel those feelings, good or bad. That helped a lot.

 

3. Exercise. This may be the hardest to do, considering when and what your schedule is. I strongly suggest you make some time to get some type of physical exercise in. Nothing hardcore, because its not about body building, its about the bare essentials your body needs and ensuring you're not neglecting those needs. Take a short walk each day, run from time to time if you need to. Whatever makes sense and is something you can commit to. Personally I ran each morning when I was in the emotional throws of my ex wife cheating on me.

 

I used to hear "take care of yourself" all the time when I was going through my situation with my wayward ex wife. It seemed very cliche to me and I didn't understand specifically wtf that meant, frankly. Therefore I hope this post helps you in some way.

 

To get through this as expeditiously as possible and in a way where you're still a good Mom to your child, you'll need to set up a routine that takes in to consideration that your body's normal senses are OFF, way OFF. Compensate for being off by having a program in place and following it.

 

Good luck.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Wow I extremely appreciate your time in writing that post conflicted man. Very good advice and lots of wisdom behind those words. I am just trying to deal with it all..absorb it all and try to make sense of it all as well. I do think he's being honest about stopping all contact with her now...just because he told me she said if he ever calls her again she will call the cops. I assume she's scared at the fact that I have her address, phone number, and I practically know where she works too...but that hasnt stopped me from calling her the last 2 days..just to see what she says about them ending their "fling". She hasnt answered her phone. Anyhow I need to have that talk with her...because at this point his words don't mean too much to me. He calls me a lot more frequently now...almost like a I'm checking in sort of call.

 

Theres a long road to recovery here..whether I do choose to be with him or not. Yesterday I was consistantly nagging at him about the whole ordeal..and I can see its getting to him too. I told him its his fault for putting me through all this. I want to forgive...but I just can't yet. I want to move forward with our lives..but how...when he just put us back like this? Smoking dope is the norm with him...always has been...my son isnt really around it..but I'm sure he knows it smells awfully weird.

 

Should I call this girl and ask her if he ended it with her? Do I believe him that he told her its over? I'm not sure at this point. All I can do is wait and see.

[Hazyhead]

Wow I extremely appreciate your time in writing that post conflicted man. Very good advice and lots of wisdom behind those words. I am just trying to deal with it all..absorb it all and try to make sense of it all as well. I do think he's being honest about stopping all contact with her now...just because he told me she said if he ever calls her again she will call the cops. I assume she's scared at the fact that I have her address, phone number, and I practically know where she works too...but that hasnt stopped me from calling her the last 2 days..just to see what she says about them ending their "fling". She hasnt answered her phone. Anyhow I need to have that talk with her...because at this point his words don't mean too much to me. He calls me a lot more frequently now...almost like a I'm checking in sort of call.

 

Theres a long road to recovery here..whether I do choose to be with him or not. Yesterday I was consistantly nagging at him about the whole ordeal..and I can see its getting to him too. I told him its his fault for putting me through all this. I want to forgive...but I just can't yet. I want to move forward with our lives..but how...when he just put us back like this? Smoking dope is the norm with him...always has been...my son isnt really around it..but I'm sure he knows it smells awfully weird.

 

Should I call this girl and ask her if he ended it with her? Do I believe him that he told her its over? I'm not sure at this point. All I can do is wait and see.

 

I'm sorry for all your pain PP. I hope you find your strength to deal with this in the best way that suits you and your son. I just wanted to say that calling the OW and asking if it's over will be counter-productive. If he is still seeing her they will have their lies ready for you and it may well pull you into a false sense of security. If you wanted to call her and talk about details, then that might be different. In my opinion though, you'll get more truth from her when the fog has lifted - let a little bit of time pass if you can; time where she doesn't feel she has to have his back anymore.

 

Good luck.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well I called the bitch yesterday..and asked her what was the status of their so called relationship. This woman really sounds like a doorknob to me...anyhow...all she said was she gave him an ultimatum. I said really...what was your ultimatum. (I really don't how I somehow stayed cool through these 2 conversations with this deluded bitch, but she did say he hasnt contacted her since this went down) but anyhow...I guess I asked her a question she couldnt reply. I said well...since you seem to thing this is about you and him..I'll have you know that if he does for some strange and absurd reason end up with your old ass...thats ONLY because I told him to hit the road. But in the meantime I'm thinking things through..therefore you'll get NO answer to your ultimatum bitch! And hung up. I assume she's furious but I really don't care. She sounds really weak. He's extremely weak in my eyes too.

 

When people hear of a woman taking her husband back after an affair..they assume the woman is weak...with no confidence and whatever else. I am none of that. I really think for a woman to want to work things out and deal with the situation head on..she's MUCH MUCH stronger than any of the 2 fools involved in the affair to begin with!

[SummerLady]

I guess my instincts were right over a year ago...and I even posted on here saying how bad my relationship had gotten over xmas time. Never in a million years did I think I would be in the situation I am in. I am 29 yrs old with an 11 yr old son..and he's 44! To think I've been and invested all my time with him since I was 16 is beyond words! If he wasn't happy why didn't he leave?

After being at my moms on Friday night with my son..I had this eerie feeling that something wasnt right. I kept calling home but no answer. Well I was going to sleep at my moms but decided late at night that I just didnt feel right. Got home put my son to bed..and for some reason that I have no idea why..I decided to press redial on my home phone. And there it was a long distance number that we NEVER use an area code for. I called it by blocking my number..and of course a woman answered. My heart sank...yet I kept cool and hung up. I called his cell a few mins later...no answer...half hour later..no answer..until he called me 10 mins later. I told him wherever you are..stay there for the night..because I'm NOT letting you in. Told him I know your with someone. He denied like he has been for a long time now. Anyhow he did come home at about 2:30am and of course I didnt let him in. He slept in his car in the driveway. Come 7:30 saturday morning my son lets him in. I wake up we start fighting...he got very physical with me..and I hurt myself real bad. I fell right on my kneecap. But with exact prove of him cheating I went on about my saturday business..laundry cleaning and such..while he slept on the couch. But with this phone number in my hand..I had to go with my gut feeling. I called the number and she answered again...this time I said...listen I don't know who you are..but I just want to know why my husband called you last night! CLICK! I called back and she was acting childish answering the phone with CityMorgue and PizzaPizza. So I knew something was really up. I called his sister...and went over there with my son..bags packed for the night.

 

I went on her computer and reversed the phone number and found exactly where she lived..her name and how much of a coincidense it was that she lived a BLOCK away from one of the malls he works at. Just that had my heart pacing again. This time I called her again...I said listen (FIRST AND LAST NAME) I know exactly where you live and gave her her address. I said we can either deal with this over the phone or I can come there and deal with this face to face. She was shocked!!!!! Needless to say I got info. He's been having a one year affair with her...and he hired her as a helper for his job during the winter months..this I found out later when I called his boss and asked him everything. My husband has no clue I did this..but I could care less. After hanging up with this bitch...knowing he was married..I called him at home and let him know he was caught. In the meantime his phone was ringing off the hook. I told him he might as well answer it since theres nothing to hide anymore.

 

Why and how could he do this to me and his son? I am devasted for my son..and the house we both cherished so much. I am not by any means well off or what not..and will have to sell my home. This other woman is in her 40's to boot. And his boss even said by no means can she ever compare to me...work wise...intelligence wise...or just plain and simple looks wise. WHY WHY WHY????? I just don't get it. If he wasn;t happy why not sell the house and move on? Why did he have to do this to me...us?? I have not been home the last 2 nights..and he's NOW decided to paint the house..saying it will be easier to sell. He's a progastinator as is..can this just be a stall tactic? I told him I will never trust or respect him for the rest of my life..and there will be no second chances. But my heart is devasted...and I really really wish he would show some sort of remorse..but hes not and thats whats killing me the most.

 

I dont even know what I'm asking in this post honestly. I just need some support I suppose.

 

Do yourself a favor; get a lawyer, get seperated get divorced, move on. He sounds like a waste of time. You will never trust him again and he sounds endlessly immature. I know you are hurting now but one day you will look back and be happy you got out. Put on your best sneakers and run fast...

[PortuguesePrincess80]

2 weeks and 4 days since D-Day...and I'm a mess again! Things on the homefront have been so so with hubby...I mean I try to remain as normal as possible for my sons sake anyhow. No ultimate decisions have been made on my part yet...but yesterday when I got home ..I noticed he called the bitch again. Gawd I lost it. He claims it was an innocent phonecall to apologize for everything. Oh how funny that is to me. I tried calling her in the evening to confirm...and got no answer. I said of all the stupid things in the world..why are you apologizing to her for? You don't owe her anything..and for someone who is trying to fix the mess you put our family in...you sure have no flippin conscious.

 

My heart is pacing again...the tears don't stop..and it seems like D-Day all over again. He pleaded with me that he just wanted to say he was sorry and that was that. I said then why did you have to be sneaky about it? I'm so at loss with what to do and feel with him its unreal. I'm sure he will never call her from our homephone again...knowing I'm still on his ass. He can't really call her on his cell phone well because its a work phone and she's long distance. Do you think its at all possible that he wanted to say sorry to this chick?

 

He has been making very little efforts at home...the painting has been on pause since my coming back home...and well the only difference is he's home all the time now...not even meeting up with friends or anything. I just feel at loss with what to do. At the end of the day I want to believe him..and start working towards our future together...but with now with this pathetic setback..I don't even know if its worth it anymore. I feel like I'm digging my own grave if I stay..and yet I love him so much.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

You really don't deserve this and if I were you, I would run now before he causes anymore damage. It sounds like he is in no way remorseful and him calling OW to "apologize" is unacceptable! What are your reasons for staying with him besides your son?

[CollectiveVelvet]

2 weeks and 4 days since D-Day...and I'm a mess again! Things on the homefront have been so so with hubby...I mean I try to remain as normal as possible for my sons sake anyhow. No ultimate decisions have been made on my part yet...but yesterday when I got home ..I noticed he called the bitch again. Gawd I lost it. He claims it was an innocent phonecall to apologize for everything. Oh how funny that is to me. I tried calling her in the evening to confirm...and got no answer. I said of all the stupid things in the world..why are you apologizing to her for? You don't owe her anything..and for someone who is trying to fix the mess you put our family in...you sure have no flippin conscious.

 

My heart is pacing again...the tears don't stop..and it seems like D-Day all over again. He pleaded with me that he just wanted to say he was sorry and that was that. I said then why did you have to be sneaky about it? I'm so at loss with what to do and feel with him its unreal. I'm sure he will never call her from our homephone again...knowing I'm still on his ass. He can't really call her on his cell phone well because its a work phone and she's long distance. Do you think its at all possible that he wanted to say sorry to this chick?

 

He has been making very little efforts at home...the painting has been on pause since my coming back home...and well the only difference is he's home all the time now...not even meeting up with friends or anything. I just feel at loss with what to do. At the end of the day I want to believe him..and start working towards our future together...but with now with this pathetic setback..I don't even know if its worth it anymore. I feel like I'm digging my own grave if I stay..and yet I love him so much.

 

Throw him out! I have done all this 'bull crap' with a man before. It does not get better. It just doesn't. He was calling her to shore things up, to say he's sorry my wife is being like this.... ect. ect. ect. This gal chose her own issues, and chose to get involved. There is no apology due.

 

You need to get your own ducks together and figure out what you and your child's life has in store because the days of thinking he's leading in your best interest are over.

[Owl]

Have you started marriage counseling?

 

Have you told him that everytime he contacts her, no matter how 'trivial'...he's re-opening the wounds? That he's setting the healing clock back to day zero?

 

Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need from him to heal...and don't be afraid to bring consequences to bear if he violates those boundaries.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Yes Owl I did make it clear to him that there was NO reason for him to contact her again. She didn't need any apologies as she knew what she was getting involved with...or maybe not. He did tell her that he would most likely be single in a few months when the affair started. I don't know how she can go on for a year with a man...knowing he lives at home with his wife and his kid. Brainless tool is all I can say.

 

I have told him that if I ever find out that he's called her for any God forsaken reason...there will be nothing more to think about. We will be done and thats it. He says he's sorry for calling her..and it probably was a very stupid idea to even bother. Says hes glad in a way I caught him "again" and there will be no more contact with her...and his main focus now is our family and working out things with me and our relationship. I said only time will tell from here..and in the meantime I'll be changing my shift at work to accomodate my life..and basically show him my independance...how I won't need him to take our son to school and what not. Basically there will no longer be anything holding me back from leaving him. I've been stressed out so much that I've been waking up late everyday for work anyhow..so this will benefit me greatly.

 

I can only take it one day at a time from here. He's asked me if I'd like to go to the movies with him on Friday. I said thats funny but sure. I haven't gone to the movies with this man in over 10 yrs.

[2sunny]

2 weeks and 4 days since D-Day...and I'm a mess again! Things on the homefront have been so so with hubby...I mean I try to remain as normal as possible for my sons sake anyhow. No ultimate decisions have been made on my part yet...but yesterday when I got home ..I noticed he called the bitch again. Gawd I lost it. He claims it was an innocent phonecall to apologize for everything. Oh how funny that is to me. I tried calling her in the evening to confirm...and got no answer. I said of all the stupid things in the world..why are you apologizing to her for? You don't owe her anything..and for someone who is trying to fix the mess you put our family in...you sure have no flippin conscious.

 

My heart is pacing again...the tears don't stop..and it seems like D-Day all over again. He pleaded with me that he just wanted to say he was sorry and that was that. I said then why did you have to be sneaky about it? I'm so at loss with what to do and feel with him its unreal. I'm sure he will never call her from our homephone again...knowing I'm still on his ass. He can't really call her on his cell phone well because its a work phone and she's long distance. Do you think its at all possible that he wanted to say sorry to this chick?

 

He has been making very little efforts at home...the painting has been on pause since my coming back home...and well the only difference is he's home all the time now...not even meeting up with friends or anything. I just feel at loss with what to do. At the end of the day I want to believe him..and start working towards our future together...but with now with this pathetic setback..I don't even know if its worth it anymore. I feel like I'm digging my own grave if I stay..and yet I love him so much.

 

most likely he called her to be sure she's hanging around. to be sure she will lay low until the dust (chaos) of the D-Day settles so they can resume when the coast is clear. i'm sorry to say it - but this seems to be the norm with most MM.

 

IF he needed to say ANYTHING to her - why couldn't he do that in front of you? why would he be so worried about HER feelings more than yours? oh yah, because he's worried about her disappearing - he wanted to be sure she will still be there.

 

i'd kick him out. make him so uncomfortable that he HAS to PROVE with his actions that he will do anything to get his family in a good place.

 

right now - he's only will to tell you what you want to hear and then do what he wants behind your back. when his words and actions aren't aligned - he's just continuing to prove that he's a liar and hasn't changed a thing.

 

he's still being the same selfish @ss he's always been... thinking only of himself and how he can get what he wants.

 

i'd be so done with him. his MO is the same as always... and you will continue to get hurt in this process of him supporting his OW habit and the lies he tells and the web he weaves.

 

he hasn't shown at all that he's trustworthy - only that he's still doing his same old thing. he's too comfortable. he knows he can do what he wants without the consequences so he has no motive to change... he wants what he wants and he will get it.

 

is that good enough for you? if it's not - what are you going to do about it?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Its been almost a month since D-Day and I'm still confused as to what to do with my life. How long does this process take? I simply can't get over it and consume myself with thoughts all day. I don't think I have it in me to continue on with this "false" relationship anymore..and I feel I owe it to myself to continue my life alone with my son. The remorse I wanted so badly from him just doesnt seem solid enough for me..and I just think its inevitable that our relationship is in fact not repairable.

 

How long does one take to decide if they want to live with someone who betrayed them like this? Are they ever truly happy with their choice? How can I simply put this in the past? I know its only been a month..but I feel like it just happened. The feelings are still raw I understand that...but I simply don't see any efforts being made by him to fix this. He says he's trying the best he can..and I do see some of that by what he's been doing at home...but thats about it.

 

I'm still at loss....