I just found out my husband cheated on me!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I guess my instincts were right over a year ago...and I even posted on here saying how bad my relationship had gotten over xmas time. Never in a million years did I think I would be in the situation I am in. I am 29 yrs old with an 11 yr old son..and he's 44! To think I've been and invested all my time with him since I was 16 is beyond words! If he wasn't happy why didn't he leave?

After being at my moms on Friday night with my son..I had this eerie feeling that something wasnt right. I kept calling home but no answer. Well I was going to sleep at my moms but decided late at night that I just didnt feel right. Got home put my son to bed..and for some reason that I have no idea why..I decided to press redial on my home phone. And there it was a long distance number that we NEVER use an area code for. I called it by blocking my number..and of course a woman answered. My heart sank...yet I kept cool and hung up. I called his cell a few mins later...no answer...half hour later..no answer..until he called me 10 mins later. I told him wherever you are..stay there for the night..because I'm NOT letting you in. Told him I know your with someone. He denied like he has been for a long time now. Anyhow he did come home at about 2:30am and of course I didnt let him in. He slept in his car in the driveway. Come 7:30 saturday morning my son lets him in. I wake up we start fighting...he got very physical with me..and I hurt myself real bad. I fell right on my kneecap. But with exact prove of him cheating I went on about my saturday business..laundry cleaning and such..while he slept on the couch. But with this phone number in my hand..I had to go with my gut feeling. I called the number and she answered again...this time I said...listen I don't know who you are..but I just want to know why my husband called you last night! CLICK! I called back and she was acting childish answering the phone with CityMorgue and PizzaPizza. So I knew something was really up. I called his sister...and went over there with my son..bags packed for the night.

 

I went on her computer and reversed the phone number and found exactly where she lived..her name and how much of a coincidense it was that she lived a BLOCK away from one of the malls he works at. Just that had my heart pacing again. This time I called her again...I said listen (FIRST AND LAST NAME) I know exactly where you live and gave her her address. I said we can either deal with this over the phone or I can come there and deal with this face to face. She was shocked!!!!! Needless to say I got info. He's been having a one year affair with her...and he hired her as a helper for his job during the winter months..this I found out later when I called his boss and asked him everything. My husband has no clue I did this..but I could care less. After hanging up with this bitch...knowing he was married..I called him at home and let him know he was caught. In the meantime his phone was ringing off the hook. I told him he might as well answer it since theres nothing to hide anymore.

 

Why and how could he do this to me and his son? I am devasted for my son..and the house we both cherished so much. I am not by any means well off or what not..and will have to sell my home. This other woman is in her 40's to boot. And his boss even said by no means can she ever compare to me...work wise...intelligence wise...or just plain and simple looks wise. WHY WHY WHY????? I just don't get it. If he wasn;t happy why not sell the house and move on? Why did he have to do this to me...us?? I have not been home the last 2 nights..and he's NOW decided to paint the house..saying it will be easier to sell. He's a progastinator as is..can this just be a stall tactic? I told him I will never trust or respect him for the rest of my life..and there will be no second chances. But my heart is devasted...and I really really wish he would show some sort of remorse..but hes not and thats whats killing me the most.

 

I dont even know what I'm asking in this post honestly. I just need some support I suppose.

[xxoo]

I don't have any btdt advice, but this jumped out:

 

. Come 7:30 saturday morning my son lets him in. I wake up we start fighting...he got very physical with me..and I hurt myself real bad. I fell right on my kneecap.

 

He is physically abusive? Or you both are? You have so much more reason than the affair to get the heck out of there! Was your son home when it got physical???

 

As for why he didn't just leave, instead of cheating....it may come down to money (not wanting to give up the house, pay child support, etc), or it may come down to him not wanting you to be with another man.

 

I'm really sorry you are hurting. Please put your and your son's safety first (physical and emotional safety).

[Spark1111]

Welcome to LS, PP80.

 

Your pain resonates with me, as I can relate to the first days after DDay (Discovery Day).

 

Fasten your seatbelt, because you are in for one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride, whether you stay married to him or not.

 

You trusted your gut instincts and discovered the affair. Be proud of that. You know your gut will not lie and CAN be trusted at a time when you feel nothing else can be.

 

Please find a counselor to help you through these raginf emotions. You will need support and guidance as you prepare for a future with or without him.

 

Stay as centered and as grounded as humanly possible for the sake of your son. He will love his father, as he should, and you do not want to do any lifelong harm to him as you experience the pain of your betrayal.

 

What your next steps should be is seek an attorney, see a counselor, make a plan. Know what your rights are.

 

Do not leave your home for too long. You have every right to live there.

 

YOU did nothing wrong. Own that.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

You mentioned that his is 15 years older than you.

 

You also mentioned that you were 16 (making him 31) when your relationship began.

 

Putting this current situation aside, look at the beginning of your relationship.

 

A 31 year old man going after a 16 year old.....wow, that is twisted.

 

From your side, how were you interested in an old man when you were a teen?

 

Please elaborate on that a bit....

[hopesndreams]

Move back into your home. He wants to get painting done to sell and you need to get your home in order and sell up, if it comes to that. Yes, there will be more confrontation, but be strong and if he harms you in any way, do not hesitate in getting the police involved.

 

See a lawyer, now. This shows your H you are dead serious about a Divorce and that you are capable of protecting yourself and your son. Maybe then you will see some remorse, but be careful he doesn't manipulate you into not seeing a lawyer.

 

You are in for a world of hurt. For your emotional well being, see a professional in dealing with the abuse (his cheating and physical harm). You don't have to go through this alone, many people have went through this h*ll and have come through it, you will too.

 

Do not take any of the blame for what he has done. He needs to own it, 100%.

[2sunny]

it's not your fault so please don't blame yourself. some simply don't have a conscience... or are too narcissistic to think of anyone except what they want.

 

if he's unwilling to be sad or sorry for his behavior and/or repair it - this is what you may be dealing with.

 

in the mean time - the painting of the house is his way of trying to distract you from the crisis and his way of pretending that this may not be a big deal. to him - maybe not, to you? you bet. that he wouldn't even acknowledge that says it all.

 

there's nothing to fix if he's acting like you should expect this to be perfectly fine. it's not. some minds are just terribly twisted.

 

do not allow him to physically harm you. call the cops if nothing else. press charges.

 

i'm sorry for your pain. hugs.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Thanks for all your responses and support. He got a little physical with me before I had any hardcore proof. I basically wanted to punch him as well...but that turned into him pushing me and falling down on my kneecap. Went to the hospital yesterday to get xrays done..all is well except for some swelling.

 

Yes I know the age difference is quite sickening. I was 16 and basically wasnt serious about him..and he lied to me about his age from the get go.He was 29 but looked much younger...still does. I guess I was just too young dumb and naive to even care at that point of my life. I had lost my father a few months prior and was getting a little out of control..and I really did settle down when I met him..so in a way he saved me from a lot of turmoil. Before turning 19 I had my son...and my life started with him.

 

Our relationship has been going on a downward spiral for about as long as this affair has lasted. And I just didnt want to believe it. His father had so many affairs on his mother..even in which resulted in 2 kids. He is definately like him...even seeing all the bullcrap his mother went through he still did that to me. And with someone older...thats what I don't get. Shes a loser...she knew he was married..and thats what kills me the most. I had a real long conversation with him today..about what direction we're heading...and how I probably won't live at the house anymore..but will come by and keep things looking nice...in order to sell in a few weeks. Kind of hard to do anything with my knee like this right now though. He's not fighting me on anything at this point..and I still don't feel he has that remorse that I so desperately want him to feel. Hes a marijuana user and has been sinking himself into pot for a long time now..to the point his boss is considering of letting him go. I exposed everything to his boss..as I have a few part time accounts i do for him as well. He knows Ed has been going downhill and its affecting his work. I even stuck up for him telling him to just give him some time...especially now that everythings been exposed.

 

I just feel he's sorry he got caught...but not that he did this to me and our son. I just wished he would've told me he wasn't happy and wanted out..that would've been so much easier to deal with. But having to figure this out all on my own is what hurts me so much. I just want to move on with my life...and get the love, trust and respect I deserve. I have my up and down moments...but my heart still aches. How long does this last?

[califnan]

I am surprised he is not feeling remorseful .. Affairs have become common - but most often the one who is having the affair, is content at home as well - but glutton enough to like having both women ..

 

I think in California that the spouse who is raising the child, can stay in the home until the child is of age. But you seem eager to have a clean finish/start.

 

Just know that an affair does not always mean that the spouse was unhappy at home..

[dazzle22]

My heart goes out to you. I am going to go out on a limb and say that in a few weeks he will probably 'break' and come back crying, saying he can't believe what he did, he loves you and his child, blah, blah...

 

He sounds emotionally fragile and like he is stuffing his emotions by smoking pot, painting. Once this really hits, and it will if you kick or have already kicked him out, I think his 'house of cards' will fold...

[on1wheel]

1st & foremost, I am sorry for ur pain. You & ur son deserve better. I have no respect for cheaters. & even less (if that's possible) for a cheater w/o remorse

Especially a married one with a child. To me, he is a psychopathic cheater; one incapable of empathy & w/o a conscience. That is scary to me, as I was where U are 2.5 yrs ago.

But my W showed great sorrow, shame & remorse. To not have that shown to U is the equivalent of saying "your feelings meant nothing to me during the A...still don't now" I am sooo sorry that was done to you.

Seeing as there is no remorse, then you need to see a lawyer, get all you can, get into IC, then be the best Mom you can be to your son & let Karma take care of ur STBX.

I wish both U & ur son all the best...stay strong.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I saw him today when I went home to grab some more clothing for my son and I. Decided to tidy up a bit..since he's such a lazy ass. He's only gotten one room painted in 3 or so days..and I'm starting to worry that he really is procastinating on the painting now. I wanted to rearrange somethings in the living room..and of course he suddenly acts like its a huge deal where the couch goes....when he never cared before. I of course left it..and got my stuff and left. He wanted to "help" me to the car..cause of course I'm still a limping fool...I told him he could go help his old bitch if he wanted to..and left. I really can't get over it. I love this guy so much..but I hate him at the same time. I don't know how I will ever decide what to do. I've invested so much time so much love...just for it to be thrown in my face. I fear if I forgive him..which I truly never will..he will dis-respect me further down the road. I fear if I leave him..I'll never find the right person for myself and my son. Gawd..why couldn't he just jump off a bridge or something...arrrggh!

[califnan]

It's too early for you, you are still in shock .. Time will work things out - one way or another ..

[RedDevil66]

I am so sorry you are feeling this. I've been through this TWICE!

Listen, you're going to need to move on and heal from this. Taking him back will only further the pain.

 

Here's the good part, you're still young a vibrant, while he's in middle age and will more than likey start to lose his sexual prowlness soon enough

 

Cheaters are SICKENING

[GaLwAyGiRL]

He wanted to "help" me to the car..cause of course I'm still a limping fool...I told him he could go help his old bitch if he wanted to..and left.

 

THis made me lol.

on a serious note tho..I'm very sorry for the pain he has caused you..I can't even imagine what it must feel like having the child in tote and dealing with the emotional and physical hurt my heart really does go out to you...

 

You sound like a very strong woman..and I hope you find peace in all of this BS these two have dumped on your head.

[Katerina]

PortuguesePrincess80,

I'm very sorry for what you're going through... Like many of us here, I've been in your shoes too. I tend to agree with the following:

 

My heart goes out to you. I am going to go out on a limb and say that in a few weeks he will probably 'break' and come back crying, saying he can't believe what he did, he loves you and his child, blah, blah...

 

He sounds emotionally fragile and like he is stuffing his emotions by smoking pot, painting. Once this really hits, and it will if you kick or have already kicked him out, I think his 'house of cards' will fold...

 

This is exactly what happened to my husband. He even had the nerve to tell me that he DID NOT regret having the affair. He said he was sorry he hurt me, but that he didn't regret having the affair because it taught him valuable lessons, crap like that. But later on he cried asking for forgiveness.. It took him a while, though. Now he regrets the whole ordeal wholeheartedly (according to him) and feels remorse every day.

 

I think you should kick HIM out of the house if staying together is not an option at the moment. Why should you and your son spend nights in misc places while he has the house? It wasn't your fault he chose to cheat on you.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well because I live north of the city,,,and start work at 5 am he used to bring my son to school. I am staying at my mothers...although a little crowded i need her support and my mom is a very strong woman. I work in the city..and my son goes to school in the city..so it really does work out great at this point. I hear nothing in the mornings..as he would whine about everything...and my son is actually really happy about this temporary move. As sad as that may sound its true.

 

The thing that really eats me is how this woman would want to be with a man who is with someone. When I spoke to her she really did sound like a tool..and well his boss told me she is. I just dont get it. I know he's contacted her in the last day or so..cause once again when I was home earlier her number was on my phone as a redial again. I didnt say a word. But it kills my heart. I know she has kids too..and when I spoke to the bitch she said she doesnt need to go through this bull**** that she's single! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS HOMEWRECKER! I swear I'm going to knock on her door one of these days..just let my knee heal. Or probably not...he's the ******* who decided this..I'm so screwed up..it isnt even funny.

[califnan]

You are still in shock and disbelief .. There is no rhyme or reason why these things happen - but it does seem to happen frequently in the work place.. Also looks, intelligence, personality don't even have anything to do with it .. It is just happens. And yes, these women can be arrogant along with their audacity ..

 

I am glad that things are working out for you and your son with the accomodations at your mother's..

[Katerina]

I second everything the previous poster wrote, but I understand your pain and all the questions you have. I felt the same way.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

So its day 5 since D-Day...and things are going okay for now. My H called me yesterday...and had this energy about him that really annoyed the crap out of me. I really don't feel the remorse yet...although he aplogizes. He spoke to our son and my son told him that he really misses our home. I didn't hear this part of the conversation..but H just spoke to me now and told me that. Yesterday he sounded energetic and happy...today he sounds down and out. I've been down and out since this whole catastrophy happened. I don't understand his mood swings...but will say his pot use may have something to do with it.

He is taking my son upnorth this weekend to his moms place. He said his mother didnt mention anything to him (which I'm sure she already knows because of his sisters) but he did say she was very off when she spoke to him. I just told him it is what it is. She said she wanted to see our son. I said thats no problem..and I'll never keep him away from you or or family.

I just don't know what to make of all this. I love him very much..and don't want to go through all this. I have no idea what to do. I am not perfect by any means...and I will not hold myself accountable for his actions..EVER! But I also know our relationship has been getting bad in the last couple of years..and instead of us fixing it...we kind of avoided it..and he strayed. I know he loves me still..and he tells me that everytime he calls...but I just tell him...your actions speak louder than words. Hard to believe that you can love someone and cheat on them at the same time. I just don't know what to do. My family is ready to help me pack my stuff and move on..and I'm just trying to take my time and process everything. So easy for people to say leave him...he'll do it again and again..he has no respect for you..and I do agree but something is still holding me back a little.

[GaLwAyGiRL]

Of course you are feeling held back. You should. You have a life with this man..a son, a home and more importantly your heart. I think you need to go LC(limited contact) only speak to him about the child or house..kind of in a business matter..this will get to him if you cut him off. Tell him to go be with his homewrecker and her kids and see what changes in him..I will say too that the pot use is playing a big role..people who smoke often (I used to) feel a major roller coaster of emotions, and for the most part they are numb....good luck to you.

[hopesndreams]

I know he loves me still..and he tells me that everytime he calls.

 

and you said it yourself,

 

your actions speak louder than words. Hard to believe that you can love someone and cheat on them at the same time.

 

Hole in one.

[stillafool]

I have not been home the last 2 nights..and he's NOW decided to paint the house..saying it will be easier to sell. He's a progastinator as is..can this just be a stall tactic?

 

 

No, take him at his word. He is preparing the house for sell. See a lawyer immediately.

 

 

I told him I will never trust or respect him for the rest of my life..and there will be no second chances. But my heart is devasted...and I really really wish he would show some sort of remorse..but hes not and thats whats killing me the most.

 

 

He is only concerned for his self and that's why he isn't showing any remorse. Do you really mean you wouldn't give him a second chance or are you saying that out of anger? I am asking this because you care that he shows remorse.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Okay well I know I'm going through many raw emotions at this point...and my theory is "if" he showed extreme remorse and wanted to go to counseling or seek some sort of help..then I'd at least know he was making an effort to try to get his life and family back. But he isn't so what is he showing me? He really doesn't care? How when he tells me he loves me..and keeps asking if I'm making the right decision in wanting to sell the house and what not. I'm so confused. I am at loss of what to feel and do at this point.

 

Am I waiting for a breakdown from him that will never come? Am I setting myself up for major heartbreak down the road? Should I sell my house right now? Will he continue seeing her? I am at loss of what to do or feel. I hate him for putting me through all this.

 

My world just seems to be spinning around and I can't grasp onto anything. I am sick of crying everyday..not being able to sleep and eat. He says hes stressed and depressed and hasnt eaten anything as well.

 

He got one room painted in 5 days...I think that clearly shows some sort of procrastination. I am broken hearted and keep thinking irriationally..thats why I think it's better I'm not at home or things may just get uglier. I don't know how to get past this.

[dazzle22]

It's really much too soon to know how any of this can turn out. It hasn't been that long. If he's going to crack, it won't be just yet. He may fold, but then you may have come to a point where you don't want HIM back. That is entirely possible.

 

When I am faced with a crisis, I say to myself, "WHEN IN DOUBT, UNDER-REACT"....That is hard to do, but by and large, it is a great idea. Let things unfold as they will, and see what emerges. Don't try to FORCE anything, either way, except you stay in the house, and make him leave. Don't give him THE COMFORT ZONE. The dust has not settled here, and you cannot see anything clearly yet what might be to your best advantage.

[Woman In Blue]

I fear if I leave him..I'll never find the right person for myself and my son.

PP80, with all due respect, you have YET to find the right person for you and your son because this guy sure ain't it. I'm sorry, but your husband's an utter loser, starting with the fact that he was 29 and was playing around with a 16 year old child - YOU. That is so low and so repulsive that I don't even have words to describe it. Creeps like him are featured on Dateline's "Predator" series. And the fact that this weasel LIED about his age to trick you into being with him is even MORE disgusting. Why didn't your parents shoot this guy's balls off when they found out how old he was? I sure would have, if you were my 16 year old daughter and some creep twice her age was sniffing around her. Disgusting.

 

The guy is a drug user, too? Charming. Let's add on the fact that he's such a loser he had to get physical with you to the point where you needed x-rays and are STILL limping. And you keep playing it down like it was nothing, so I'm going to assume this horses's ass has done this to you before and you're a bit used to being knocked around by him.

 

Of course he's feeling ZERO remorse for screwing around with someone else. Sorry, but the guy is a complete loser and brings nothing good to the table, whatsoever. He thinks nothing of getting physical with you with your son in the house, he thinks nothing of constantly smoking his pot because he's too pathetic to face real life, he thinks nothing of screwing around and disrespecting you, your marriage, and his family, and the creep thought nothing of lying to a 16 year old CHILD just so he could get his filthy hands on her.

 

You're very smart to move on from this lying, manipulative abuser. Back when he lied about his age to "get" with a teenage girl was the biggest sign EVER that this person has no redeeming quality traits. It's just gone downhill since.

 

Back out gracefully and admit you made a mistake. You were too young to know the difference. You know it now, though.