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She wants to be my girlfriend, and I don't want her to be

Optima

By Optima
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Optima New Member

Optima

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Hey all,

 

So I'm new here and have a quick question and am looking for advice.

 

I'm a Junior in college, and am currently hanging out with a sophomore girl.

 

Here's a few quick facts about our "relationship" if you want to call it that.

 

  • We've had casual sex for about 2 weeks
  • We've been fooling around for about 4 weeks now
  • We really haven't been going on "Dates"
  • She's not 21, I am. I like to go to the bars with my friends.
  • I'm not interested in making her my girlfriend
  • She wants me to be her boyfriend
  • She's had quite a few boyfriends in the past (she talks about dating all these different guys)
  • I've had 2 serious girlfriends my entire life.
  • We were never friends before this "relationship"
  • She's always wanting to hang out with me, and I need SPACE!

So after we had sex last night, she rolls over and asks me "What are we?" This isn't the only indicator I've had that she wants a relationship.

 

She's a cute girl (7/10) and has a fun-loving personality, but she's pretty "clingy" and can be kind of annoying at times (like baby talk). I have my reasons.

Here's the cold hard truth. I don't want a serious relationship right now.

 

I'm in College. I'm not wanting to settle down with any girl unless I have great reason to believe it will turn into something major/serious.

 

I'm trying to play the field and have fun while I'm still young while being safe (hooray for condoms), I never had this opportunity in high school or community college while living with my parents.

 

I'm not the "player" type, and I really don't want to seem like I've been stringing her along - or even worse, "using" her. But let's be honest, the regularly occurring sex is great.

 

I don't want to be a scumbag and just ditch her, I want to let her down easily and maybe just become friends with her.

 

Any help/comments/questions are appreciated.

 

Thanks!

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted

Why not just tell her what you want? You're both adults. If you can have sex, you can have a discussion. She wants to know what you think about the relationship, so tell her. Wouldn't you want her to be honest with you, were your positions reversed?

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Optima New Member

Optima

Posted
  • Author
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Why not just tell her what you want? You're both adults. If you can have sex, you can have a discussion. She wants to know what you think about the relationship, so tell her. Wouldn't you want her to be honest with you, were your positions reversed?

 

That makes a lot of sense. How would you go about bringing this subject up, and how could I tell her without seeming like a scumbag?

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
That makes a lot of sense. How would you go about bringing this subject up, and how could I tell her without seeming like a scumbag?

 

I'm going to have to admit that I don't really know. You should probably do it BEFORE having sex with her again, or there will be no way to not come across as a scumbag. Perhaps you could open it up by asking what she is looking for herself?

tigressA Established Member

tigressA

Posted
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Bring the subject up yourself; don't wait for something related to be brought up. Tell her "You asked 'What are we', and we're friends with benefits. I don't want anything more than that with you." It's quick, it's honest, gets the job done.

 

And too bad about not wanting her to think you're a jerk--because she wants you to be her boyfriend, however you tell her she'll most likely still think you're a scumbag for rejecting her for a relationship. Or she could be like a lot of dumb, naive college girls and continue to sleep with you in vain hopes that you'll change your mind about dating her, even though you won't.

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
Or she could be like a lot of dumb, naive college girls and continue to sleep with you in vain hopes that you'll change your mind about dating her, even though you won't.

 

Don't be that guy. Don't continue on with this girl if you think this is what she's doing. That would not be cool.

123BeachFan Established Member

123BeachFan

Posted
Posted
I'm not the "player" type, and I really don't want to seem like I've been stringing her along - or even worse, "using" her. But let's be honest, the regularly occurring sex is great.

 

I don't want to be a scumbag and just ditch her, I want to let her down easily and maybe just become friends with her.

 

She's expressed to you that she wants you to be her boyfriend. Continuing to have sex with her at this point without telling her exactly where she stands with you would be "scumbag," so you need to talk to her before you have sex with her again.

 

You need to tell her that you're not looking to be in a serious relationship, but that you'd like to continue to see her casually like you have been doing so far. But don't be surprised if she stops seeing you as a result.

 

Avoiding that conversation would be stringing her along.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Stop having sex with her.

 

I'll say it again. STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER.

 

Girls that age equate sex with relationships and as long as you keep boinking her, she is going to assume there is a connection and doing all the things young girls do to assure a relationship.

 

In my opinion, you have already crossed the scumbag line by having sex with her multiple times when you probably knew what she wanted. The only way to redeem the situation is to tell her now and not sleep with her again.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

I was going to say go NC with her because she is not going to understand the whole "I want to sleep with you but not make you my gf thing." You need to have clearer boundaries with the people you sleep with or you end up trapping yourself or hurting others.

torranceshipman Established Member

torranceshipman

Posted
Posted

Say she is gorgeous and incredible, and you enjoy being with her, but you 100% don't want to get tied down at college. Say you respect her, and don't want to hurt her, and when she initiated the talk, you realized maybe she had feelings, so you need to let her down gently and quickly and be honest that you want to remain single - so as not to string her along. Stress her awesomeness :D That would be the nicest way by far.

 

But cmon dude be honest with yourself...have regular sex with a girl and chances are she'll think it is a R. Be honest upfront because this type of thing can really hurt a girl - they feel cheap or used (not that I am saying they are cheap!!-but the mind plays funny tricks and girls tend to think that sometimes).

butterflysil Member

butterflysil

Posted
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i do feel you should tell her she is great but don't over do it because then she will be thinking there is still a chance because he thinks i'm amazing. honestly you are a scumbag, in her eyes, no matter how you do it.

 

i may be mean here but you may actually do her a favor by telling her that you never intended in a relationship. this way she can realize they if she makes herself so available so quickly this is the type of relationships she will be entering into with this pattern of behaviour.

Ilovehim Established Member

Ilovehim

Posted
Posted

Ok, there are a few things I don't like about your post. First of all, you should have ALREADY have had this conversation with her. I don't know how most girls are but I know that I would never accept a friend with benfits relationship. EVER! Unfortunately, I have had this kind of relationship in my past and it was because I was so young and being led on by the guy who knew I wanted way more than that. Nowdays, I make sure I have this kind of talks with the guy before I even kiss them or mess with them. Sex is a huge deal so I wouldn't even suggest sleeping around with someone unless serious about them. But I'm assuming you guys are different, have different beliefs than these and that's fine.

 

 

I suggest you tell her everything you told us, depending on what type of girl she is. If she's a good girl, she will feel hurt and used. But if this is typical for her then she might not. Again, it all depends on what kind of girl she is. Nonetheless, you should still be 100% honest with her.

ADF Established Member

ADF

Posted
Posted

Basically what you want is a FWB--i.e. a sex android who will f___ you when you feel like it then go away. Well, I guess that's you right. You don't owe her a relationship. But you do owe her the truth. Tell her exactly what you want and let her decide if that is okay with her. But if she says, "yes," don't necessarily take it at face value. Many young women will enter into a FWB relationship in hopes of seeing it grow into "something more." But that almost never happens, of course. And PLEASE don't try to be friends with her if none of this works out, She'll just be hoping you change your mind. Don't string her along that way.

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