So I was snooping... need guidance .

[Sureshot]

Hi everyone,

 

heres the scoop, I hope someone can guide me in the right direction.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year. Im 22 and she is 20. I have made it very clear that I dont tolerate cheating and there is no recovery or second chance from it, it will just be over, because Ive been cheated on twice before and can't go through that again.

 

A few months ago I was snooping around on her facebook and she was talking to a guy, and ill admit it was harmless but i flipped out and confronted her about it, and I was way out of line and caused problems.... it was not waranted, i knew that and I apologized and promised to never do it again.

 

The other day i was on here computer and her msn popped on when i turned on the computer, i couldnt help myself i just viewed her conversation history. She was talking to a guy who she dated for a week a long time ago. This guy asked her out before while she was with me and I got mad, so naturally I wanted to read what they were talking about especially since she told me she never talks to this guy.

 

This guy obviously likes my gf, every few minutes on msn he is asking her out, to go for rides at the river, go for car rides at night, and he is telling her to break up with me and that he will wait forever for her. In her defense, she never agrees to hang out, just says stuff like, im too tired, or its not fair to my bf, or im busy, but never says anything like "hey, im in a relationship and not interested in you" which I feel that she should. So i asked her randomly if she ever talked to this guy not letting her know that i read there conversations. She told me that she hasn't talked to him in months.

 

SO i go on a few days later, she is telling him stuff that she didnt even tell me, like that she lied in an interview. He keeps sayign stuff like he wants to be with her and always wanting to hang out and asking her to come and pick him up (because the loser doesnt have a car) so they can go for romantic drives together) she just fluffs it off and keeps on with regular conversation

 

She is really leading this guy on, its like she always initiates the conversation sometimes bugging him for 30 mins for him to start talking, then when he starts, he just hits on her. She always tells me she loves me so much and Im the best thing that ever happened and I treat her better than any one could, Ill agree, im not conceded, but I thought I loved this girl and treat her amazing. You think she could respect me enough to not cheat.

 

Im livid, I want to confront her about it and pretty much want to break up. I want to tell her im not going to tell her she cant talk to him but its either me or him. I dont know if I should do this or not though, especially since my history of when i went looking around on her facebook. I just dont know what is wise, should i keep quiet and pretend like nothing is wrong or should I confront her. Should I just dump her? Is this cheating? Am i out of line? Is she out of line? PLease tell me what you guys think.... im going crazy.

 

Thanks in advance

Edited April 26, 2010 by Sureshot

[Samari]

If everything you said is true, then I would highly consider breaking up with the girl. I don't think you should have viewed her conversations, however since you did it seems like you had good reason to. You claim that she hasn't technically cheated on you, but at the same time she's not telling this guy to back off and is apparently leading him on. Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone that isn't mature enough to respect the boundaries of a relationship. There are other fish in the sea. Definitely ones that are more faithful than others. Don't let your girlfriend play you like that. She's 20 years old, and most girls at that age still don't know what they want and like most young people in general, they're just plain stupid.

[jnj express]

If you really want to be with this girl, then give her one LAST chance, I did not say one MORE chance---and tell her she goes NC, with him, deletes him from everything, and forget he even exists, otherwise tell her she can have him and to get the H*ll out of your life.

 

Just put it on her, it's her decision, but she needs to know that if she violates your boundary, it is a dealbreaker, and you are gone. But you must be willing to follow thru on your consequence. Otherwise she will know you are soft, and can be manuevered. It's all up to you, and how you wanna play this game out.

[Woman In Blue]

LOL...she's picked herself a real winner - some loser who needs HER to come pick him up so they can go for a "romantic ride in the country" because he doesn't even have a car. Jeez. How does he get to his job at McDonald's?

 

She's liking the attention of this guy constantly hitting on her, that's obvious.

 

The fact that she's continually LIED to you about being in touch with him is the real deal breaker. She's back-burnered the guy - giving him just enough attention to keep him on the hook in case she needs him. That's why she uses those pitiful excuses for not getting together - "I'm tired," and such. She knows darned well if she were to say, "I love my boyfriend and I'd NEVER do something to hurt him," he'd move on and find someone available. She's stringing him along, that much is painfully obvious.

 

I guess car-less boy is her official "Plan B" should something happen with you two.

 

Of course you should confront her. Too damned bad if she gets mad that you were looking at her MSN history. Too bad, so sad, she loses.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting as you have been? She is allowing another guy constantly flirt with her and leading him on while in a relationship with you. What is wrong wrong with this picture?

[ADF]

You do need to break up. Not because your GF has done anything wrong, but because you have shown, through your actions, that you have absolutely no respect for her.

 

Why should you ask her to remain in a relationship with you, where she will never be trusted and will constantly be spied on? Frankly, if anyone EVER spied on me the way you've spied on her, even once, I'd be gone.

 

Obviously, getting cheated on has traumatized you to the point where you've become paranoid, where you've lost your sense of appropriate behavior and boundries. You need to deal with that before you get into another relationship. I urge you do do so. Get some help. If you don't, this paranoia will keep rearing its head and ruining your relationships.

[Bejita463]

You do need to break up. Not because your GF has done anything wrong, but because you have shown, through your actions, that you have absolutely no respect for her.

 

Why should you ask her to remain in a relationship with you, where she will never be trusted and will constantly be spied on? Frankly, if anyone EVER spied on me the way you've spied on her, even once, I'd be gone.

 

Obviously, getting cheated on has traumatized you to the point where you've become paranoid, where you've lost your sense of appropriate behavior and boundries. You need to deal with that before you get into another relationship. I urge you do do so. Get some help. If you don't, this paranoia will keep rearing its head and ruining your relationships.

 

I was wondering if I was the only one who was thinking this. I just hadn't determined how I wanted to articulate it. ADF made that easy though, so here goes:

I agree with this.

[bananarama1]

i dont think shes cheating. i wouldnt tell a guy those things so i wont hurt his feelings. i wont go out of my way saying im not interested. what if someone says that to me? it'd hurt too.

 

but yeah a similar thing happened to me and my bf, saw a letter from his ex while i was snooping on his email (for no reason). she sorta kept asking him whats going on w/ his life and he never once mentioned me. i still dont get it and it kinda still hurt. but thats another story.

 

so anyway yeah dont think too much about it, i think she loves you. if u have doubts or questions, ask her. u remind me of a guy i used to like SOO much before..he kept doubting me even when i didnt do anything. trying to catch me cheating on him even when i did not. it sort of burned all the love i had for him.

[Romance]

It seems like she is liking the attention. Are you sure you're giving her enough? Emotional cheating seems more like what she is doing..since she is not agreeing to hang out with him ever.

[norajane]

One thing you do know for a fact is that she is lying to you. You know she's talking to him, and you know that she has denied that to you - straight up lied to your face.

 

She is lying to you about talking to another guy.

She lied to your face about it more than once.

Had you not snooped, you wouldn't know she lied.

How do you trust her when you have no idea if she's lying or not unless you snoop?

You can't. You can't trust her, and she has proven herself to be untrustworthy, and you had to snoop to find out the truth.

 

If you're serious about not tolerating cheating, where do you stand on not lying to your face about talking to other guys who are hitting on her? Not saying anything means you are tolerating her talking to other guys who hit on her and are tolerating her lying to you.

 

Giving her another chance, just gives her an opportunity to lie to you about her motivations and how she's never going to do it again...and you'll probably have to snoop to make sure...so, it's pointless unless you want to end up in this same situation again.

 

Whether you dump her or not, this relationship is going nowhere because there is no trust between you.

[Rorschach]

One thing you do know for a fact is that she is lying to you. You know she's talking to him, and you know that she has denied that to you - straight up lied to your face.

She is lying to you about talking to another guy.

She lied to your face about it more than once.

Had you not snooped, you wouldn't know she lied.

How do you trust her when you have no idea if she's lying or not unless you snoop?

You can't. You can't trust her, and she has proven herself to be untrustworthy, and you had to snoop to find out the truth.

 

If you're serious about not tolerating cheating, where do you stand on not lying to your face about talking to other guys who are hitting on her? Not saying anything means you are tolerating her talking to other guys who hit on her and are tolerating her lying to you.

 

Giving her another chance, just gives her an opportunity to lie to you about her motivations and how she's never going to do it again...and you'll probably have to snoop to make sure...so, it's pointless unless you want to end up in this same situation again.

 

Whether you dump her or not, this relationship is going nowhere because there is no trust between you.

 

 

Could this be because he flipped out over nothing when the facebook thing came up? Maybe she doesn't even want to admit to platonic conversations knowing that her BF is a psycho.

[norajane]

Could this be because he flipped out over nothing when the facebook thing came up? Maybe she doesn't even want to admit to platonic conversations knowing that her BF is a psycho.

 

Sure, it could be. Take it to its logical conclusion though...

 

Say he confronts her...she either dumps him for snooping...or he dumps her because she's not properly apologetic for talking to a guy who keeps hitting on her in every conversation and even seeks out those conversations with him...or they agree to give it another try and she says she won't talk the dude or she will...he'll still feel the need to check up on her...

 

If he doesn't confront her...she'll continue chatting with the dude that is hitting on her and lying about it...he'll keep checking her im history...

 

Any way you look at it, this relationship is going nowhere.

[RedDevil66]

My BF used to accuse me a lot and would question my male friends when I spoke to them and we are in our mid 40's. He was cheated on (as was I), but I never ONCE questioned him in our 1st two years.

 

Because he was at me a lot with questions, I would hide stuff from him and yes lied to avoid his comments.

I have male friends, I do flirt with them in a very VERY innocent manner (stuff I would not mind if my bf even saw) but I have to tell him I talk to no one so I won't be accused.

She lying to you to avoid your insecurities. You need to let this one go and work on your trust issues.

Or come right out and tell her what you did and that you're going to work on your trust issues.

 

In the this new world of the net, it's SO hard to trust anyone anymore

[norajane]

If he weren't hitting on her in every conversation, I'd agree it was innocent. But he is hitting on her, and she lets him do so, and continues to seek out the conversations. That's not really a sign of good faith on her part.

[RedDevil66]

If he weren't hitting on her in every conversation, I'd agree it was innocent. But he is hitting on her, and she lets him do so, and continues to seek out the conversations. That's not really a sign of good faith on her part.

 

agreed, but she's only a child of 20 yrs old so maybe she's not mature enough to realize it.

Maybe she bases her worth on this attention, who knows

[Vanessa-Anne]

I do this right now, and my boyfriend does the snooping.

to be honest, the reason i dont tell the boy to 'GET LOST im TAKEN' is basically becuase im thinking ahead, say if me and my bf break up? ive always got him there...to use. I know its horrible but hey im a girl i need to think ahead. The attention is nice too. But honestly, id NEVER cheat on my boyf i love him, and possibly she feels the same tbh tell her you know, she shouldnt get angry that u snooped cos i never did :/ i just thought s$$t i got caught. But yeah its probably some harmless using banter between them.

[Hop_prophet]

I think you are best off dropping this one. You've already been burned and you know the signs. She is telling you with her actions that you have something to worry about. She is really young and probably doesn't understand the damage she is doing, BUT she is way out of line with this guy.

 

Lying to you and confiding in him behind your back is sketchy as hell and a huge red flag. She is letting this douchebag disrespect your relationship and she cannot enforce boundaries. Its probably only a matter of time before she cheats and trust is gone anyway and rightfully so.

 

Sorry you have to go through this again. I can't even imagine getting cheated on that many times. You may want to go to therapy to resolve the deep seated insecurity that will result from this. It is already driven you to snoop but in this case you were totally justified.

[sally4sara]

You shouldn't have been snooping

 

BUT

 

Since you did and you see she isn't shutting him down and dropping him there after when he stepped over the line, I'd have to agree. She is getting something out of this as a ego boost. Not the worst thing on Earth, but it leads to dumb drama crap.

 

And you don't want no drama - no no drama. If you did, you'd snoop just to snoop.

 

Oh wait....

[Reality Drip]

She's young still and so are you. The issue here is she may not know what she wants but the excitement of someone else giving her attention keeps her in contact with him.

 

This guy is her Plan B. The minute you tick her off or go away for a weekend and leave her upset or whatever there's a chance she'll go hang out with him. Not necessarily cheat, but she'll be vulnerable to his persistence.

 

Nip this thing quick but come up with a way to explain how you found out they've been chatting. Otherwise just bail on her because she's obviously ok with lying to you.

 

Are you crowding her? If she feels that you're overly needy or crowding her that can be a major drag and push her away.

 

-Max