An OW kind of day

[lilagirl]

Today I woke up to the sound of my MMs voice on the phone… wishing me a good morning and telling me everything he would do to me if he were lying beside me… it was the greatest way to wake up.

 

15 mins later… wink

 

He asked how I was… I said, “I missed you last night”. Now I am not sure why I would miss something I have never had… we have never slept over night together, or fallen asleep together… but as I laid my end on the pillow… he was all I could think about.

 

However, apparently I am not allowed to miss him. That is makes him feel guilty, and I should know how bad he felt yesterday with everything he is going through in his decision making process… I ought to remember how it was for me, when I was still living with my H. This lead to an argument about supporting me while I am supporting him through his process , which lead to an argument about past issues that I didn`t support him in… This last all morning via phone and text.

 

Finally, I gave my ultimatum… either you start supporting me while I wait, as patiently, and as understanding as I can, or you know longer have your back up plan. My MM got very upset and emotional, talking about how hard his day was yesterday, doing spring cleaning, and thinking about the yard that would no longer be his, cleaning the basement, and sorting personal items in his box and hers, playing with his kids at the park, knowing that they will not be able to play as a family anymore.

 

I began to feel very bad. I know the process is hard on him, and he will be done and have a decision within the next 2 months. We talked quietly, and lovingly about how we will work harder to support each other through the process. What I need from him and what he needs from me.

 

The rest of the afternoon was great. We shared many laughs, talked about the week ahead and planned when we would be seeing each other, had phone intimacy again, discussed strategies for a big presentation he had at work, talked about our respective children, talked about how things will be when we can be together…. I was in love… and content.

 

Now, I am hanging out at home, after eating dinner by myself, sipping on some wine, wondering what he is doing… Did his son, who is sick, go to sleep okay? How was his Ws day? ( if she had a crappy day, they will fight all night, if she had a good day, they won’t) How did his dinner he made turn out? . . I will know everything tomorrow morning… but I am still drinking wine by myself… Posting a new thread on LS… waiting

Edited April 26, 2010 by lilagirl

[bananalaffytaffy]

Wow. This guy is a piece of work. He really has you wrapped around his little finger. You gave him an ultimateum, and he made you feel bad for it. I guess to him, his wants, needs and feelings are more important than yours. And you bought it.

 

I've read your posts. I'm still amazed at how twisted he has you... He has you putting your feelings, wants and needs second, no... third... no... you're after him, his wife and his kids... so you're at least fourth or fifth. And you accept that role. And don't say you're not accepting it. You accept it every time you fall for his crap, and don't demand that he stand up and be a man.

 

I imagine this is not the "support" that you were looking for, but it is all

so very unfortunate. You mentioned that he was in counseling? Perhaps you should be as well, to determine why you don't put yourself first.

[whichwayisup]

All I can tell you is, good luck and I hope he's worth it. He isn't treating you well at all and most of the time it seems he calls the shots and you come running.

 

He's no prize, but sadly you're going to have to figure that one out on your own and have alot more pain before you take the blinders off and see him for who he really is.

[2sure]

Wow. Usually the MM doesnt have any issue with OW until she starts making realistic demands. But all you put on him was "I miss you" and you got grief for that???

[bentnotbroken]

Wondering about he life he shares with his family. Planning a family before he dumps the first one. HMMmmmm.

[OWoman]

However, apparently I am not allowed to miss him.

 

He makes the rules, does he? And punishes you if you break them?

 

That's not a R - that's someone's BDSM fantasy being played out, but without the latex or the interesting toys...

[2sunny]

sooo, you make sacrifices to be with him...

 

you are honest in expressing your expectations...

 

then you expect him to as well...

 

then you tell him of your realistic expectations...

 

then he gets resentful, angry and mean...

 

you step back into your little role...

 

he becomes nice again...

 

what happened to YOU? YOUR truth? YOUR voice?

 

sheeez. you deserve more than this cad is offering. he will keep you in the same place - as long as YOU let him. dump him - now. there are available men that can give you the world, everyday, all day, all night and NOT make you feel as though you should feel guilty for having YOUR feelings.

 

you deserve more. how much time are you willing to waste? how much integrity and sense of yourself will you allow him to trample?

[vanilla chai]

Now where can i find one like him ....not My guess is this guy really knows how to run his game.

[califnan]

Lilagirl, You are lonely when you are not with him .. And you are Outside trying to look through the windows of his life ..

 

If he was not in your life, you would be on top of the world - looking into the future for what God has for you .. God has made you a whole, complete woman. But these relationships are degrading - Get out of it ..

[I Miss the Kiss]

Ohhhh all I can say is read my threads from today. i got my a$$ handed to me on a platter. I did what you are doing: Waited, ever so patiently for MM to "work through" the inevitable end of his M. And what did I get? A text message on my phone this morning to dump me, after a weekend of sex and me hosting him in my home, feeding him, and giving him my grandmother's quilt because all he has at his apartment is a sleeping bag.

 

A text message to tell me he's "sorry" but he has to work on his marriage (for at least the 10th time in 12 months).

 

This after a weekend of new sexplotations on both our parts. We went places neither of us has ever been. I trusted him. I told him this STRAIGHT UP before we even went as far as we did.

 

A text message to break my heart, then his cell number changed within 60 seconds after he sent the text, so I have no way to reply.

 

All I can say is I wish you the best of luck in breaking this cycle, as I am trying my best to do. I have not yet cried today... and this happened only 7 hours ago.

[lilagirl]

I miss the Kiss... I am so sorry for what you are going through... I have read your posts and feel terrible, and I can relate totally...only I haven`t got that far yet... I haven`t been so fed up yet...

 

Right now, where I am at, I am for the most part... contently waiting. I don`t like it, I wish there was a better, easier, more fullfilling way. He has been my best friend for years... and he is still my best friend in our A, and right now, I just need my best friend... not a full time man...

 

The intent of my post was really just to outline my day, and express the ups and downs of OW`hood...

[bittersweet memories]

I miss the Kiss... I am so sorry for what you are going through... I have read your posts and feel terrible, and I can relate totally...only I haven`t got that far yet... I haven`t been so fed up yet...

 

Right now, where I am at, I am for the most part... contently waiting. I don`t like it, I wish there was a better, easier, more fullfilling way. He has been my best friend for years... and he is still my best friend in our A, and right now, I just need my best friend... not a full time man...

 

The intent of my post was really just to outline my day, and express the ups and downs of OW`hood...

 

Yeah keep telling yourself that..*wink*. He sounds like a catch. By the sound of your post it's all about him him him. How sad for you!

[whichwayisup]

...only I haven`t got that far yet... I haven`t been so fed up yet...

Then I guess you will continue to rant and vent every few days.. Continue to ride the up and down rollercoaster ride, feel more pain, cry more, feel like crap more and more until you wake up and realize you're SICK of feeling such pain and putting up with being second fiddle.

 

As I said earlier, this MM is no prize. A man who really loves his OW, won't treat her like he's been treating you. A man who wants to be with his OW, WILL divorce and do it as quickly as possible as to not cause his wife so much pain.

 

You are his OW, the affair. To you, he's "your" man. You think he'll be yours one day...

 

Until you see that's not going to happen the way you want them to, things will remain as they are today, you hurting, being alone while he goes home happily to his wife, knowing he's the king because he's got two women wrapped around his finger.

[GreenEyedLady]

My MM got very upset and emotional, talking about how hard his day was yesterday, doing spring cleaning, and thinking about the yard that would no longer be his, cleaning the basement, and sorting personal items in his box and hers, playing with his kids at the park, knowing that they will not be able to play as a family anymore.

 

He just told you he'll never leave.

 

Now you have to accept that or move on. He values himself above all others.

 

GEL

[MizzBlue72]

First - I am really so sorry you are hurting. Our stories are not really alike, but I know the hurting, the wanting, and the waiting. That was me.

 

Divorce comes with a lot of hard realizations. Not 'playing family' is one of them.

 

I've been there. Hard to know, hard to think at times. Hard to go on with your life wondering what he is doing, etc. I love sleeping next to MM. Hard part? Sleeping when he is not there. You are probably in a better spot not having it. it hurts 100 times worse when you don't.

 

He should not be upset that you miss him. At all. If anything - he should be flattered, and tell you that he misses you too.

 

You - LG- are a strong woman. Stronger than you can ever imagine that you could be. You just have NOT realized your potential yet !

If he is mixed in his feelings, wondering what to do - maybe it's a great time for a break. Give him space. Get on with you and yours. Once you are not always available to answer his calls - he will begin to wonder.

 

Does this mean you love him less? No. It means that you understand that YOU have more power than you think. So take it. Take back control over you.

 

Good luck, lot's of hugs and keep your chin up!!!

 

You have MORE than you give yourself credit for.

[lilagirl]

Thank you MizzBlue.

 

In fairness to HIM () I was quite hard on him earlier in the week about missing him, waiting, etc. We had a great talk, and agreed where we need to go from there... so he was a bit sensitive about me spiraling into the "how long do you expect me to wait" game.

 

I read a post (cant remember which one) where the OW said, I used to think i was strong... Thats definately how I have been feeling... I have been going through allot though with my separation, all the adjustments, and helping my kids through the separation process. In a way the crying is nice. I spent so many years in my marriage not crying, and putting a wall up to my emotions.. I have no doubt I am strong...and no doubt the tears will stop, and no doubt the waiting will not continue past where I am not comfortable anymore... He is working to rectify the situation, and as long as he is doing that... and sticking to his timelines, I will wait - some days patiently, and some days, not patiently at all...

 

We had a near Dday yesterday... so he is now "motivated" to get some action quickly... I doubt that, but as long as original timelines are adheered too... I will be content.

 

Its so "funny" how I see myself in so many OWs