tnttim Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Your H is a porn addict, thank the internet for your H's disillusioned view of sex. I was the same way, and now I realize that it objectifies my W, and no woman wants to be a sexual object all the time, just once in a while. The problem you are facing is 2 pronged I'll give a man's prospective on what he thinks, and actually read TDP's above posts to affirm my affirmation of what men think. First, when we have sex there is 1 emotion than dominates our thoughts, LUST. We watch porno movies and think every women wants to eventually be pounded into submission. We also think we need to hang you from the ceiling fan and chase you around and around while squirting honey on you. We think that's what you really want. It's partly women's fault because saying no, doesn't always mean no to you. Men think linear and once we have it in our mind that no might mean maybe, it's a hard thought to erase because of the irony. How do you fix it, you said it yourself. Once he starts the porn moves, warn him that you really don't like it, and if he continues you are going to stop. If he continues, then stop, and tell him why you are stopping. He'll get mad, and angry like every child does when you take their toy away, but he will remember. You have to be consistent until he stops, it' a boundary that if he crosses, you stop. Once he establishes that he is in control of not turning it into a porn movie, then reward him with a porn move of your own. After a while it will become natural again, like riding a bike.
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 The OP is 4 years older than me. I think she should look at the positives rather than the negatives. At least he's wanting her, and not someone else. 4 years or 40 years...doesn't matter if people are at different places in their lives. We don't know that he doesn't want somebody else. That has never been discussed in this thread. She never said she didn't like the positives. It simply isn't all she wants, she wants more from the sexual side of the relationship, naturally. She is married, not having a ONS. Sometimes she wants to be treated more special than a ONS. That, is just being human, married, and loving.
Spark1111 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Your H is a porn addict, thank the internet for your H's disillusioned view of sex. I was the same way, and now I realize that it objectifies my W, and no woman wants to be a sexual object all the time, just once in a while. The problem you are facing is 2 pronged I'll give a man's prospective on what he thinks, and actually read TDP's above posts to affirm my affirmation of what men think. First, when we have sex there is 1 emotion than dominates our thoughts, LUST. We watch porno movies and think every women wants to eventually be pounded into submission. We also think we need to hang you from the ceiling fan and chase you around and around while squirting honey on you. We think that's what you really want. It's partly women's fault because saying no, doesn't always mean no to you. Men think linear and once we have it in our mind that no might mean maybe, it's a hard thought to erase because of the irony. How do you fix it, you said it yourself. Once he starts the porn moves, warn him that you really don't like it, and if he continues you are going to stop. If he continues, then stop, and tell him why you are stopping. He'll get mad, and angry like every child does when you take their toy away, but he will remember. You have to be consistent until he stops, it' a boundary that if he crosses, you stop. Once he establishes that he is in control of not turning it into a porn movie, then reward him with a porn move of your own. After a while it will become natural again, like riding a bike. This is very good advice, except: No all men take direction, ahem, well.... We do have the male ego that easily insults if corrected or stopped in their course of action. Meanwhile, every sex guru under the sun says you have to ask, nicely of course, for what you want. What if it is ignored, or pouted over, or used to punish us, or simply never respected and executed???? We are women, not men, and our way to lust is often longer, and slower and more emotional. Porn is made by men for men, with the average start to finish 7 minutes. The average woman takes 18 minutes. What are you going to do with those extra 11 minutes? And we are not talking about finding and fondling are physical charms, gentlemen.
sweetjasmine Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 The OP is 4 years older than me. I think she should look at the positives rather than the negatives. At least he's wanting her, and not someone else. That's not particularly helpful. If a man said to you, "My wife only does missionary with the lights off and nothing else, and I wish we could do more," would you say, "Hey, look on the bright side - at least she's not getting it from someone else!" ? Invalidating your own feelings and needs (or someone else's) isn't a good thing.
SouthernSunshine Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 That's not particularly helpful. If a man said to you, "My wife only does missionary with the lights off and nothing else, and I wish we could do more," would you say, "Hey, look on the bright side - at least she's not getting it from someone else!" ? Invalidating your own feelings and needs (or someone else's) isn't a good thing. I agree! I just like to think of the glass being half full rather than half empty. My SO has both dirty & "making love" sex with me, but more "making love", so to read another woman complaining of "porn sex".. made me a little jealous.
Author execom Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 I just wanted to say that I'm not offended at all by what SouthernsunShine said. I also had a little chuckle when she said that my husband sounded like an animal And while you're jealous of my porn sex, I'm jealous of your romantic making love... Anyway, thank you for the comments. Like someone said, I should not use the term "making love" and instead teach him what I want. That's true because whenever I've told my husband that I want to make love and not sex, he would look at me like I've grown a second head and a 3rd eye. Like no clue what I mean. I could also stop the act if ever he refuses to please me, but how will that end? I mean, I don't want to fight over this, and punishing him for it doesn't sound like a good idea. He's not a child and I'm not a toy and it's not a game. We're 2 grown-ups in a loving relationship. Also, imagine stopping him on his tracks as his wee-wee is way UP. Hmmm.... and what would that do to his ego? Also, someone asked me if my husband was this selfish in other areas? No, other than this problem, we get along fine and he's sweet and caring (in general). He might sound selfish, but the truth is that I've never really made my desires clear either. I just took for granted that he knew how to have sex and how to make love - and the difference between both. When I found out that he didn't (took me over a year), I didn't really push the issue, until now... I guess I want my Pretty Woman or Top Gun moment too.
You Go Girl Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 but the truth is that I've never really made my desires clear either. I just took for granted that he knew how to have sex and how to make love - and the difference between both. . There you go!
giotto Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If you're in a romantic mood and he wants to play out a porn scene I suggest you get up, get dressed and go watch tv - he'll soon get the message. And he will get another woman to have wild sex with...
LonelyTiger Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 And he will get another woman to have wild sex with... If the OP makes her needs clear and her husband still won't play ball then frankly she's better off without him! A marriage isn't a one way street.
giotto Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If the OP makes her needs clear and her husband still won't play ball then frankly she's better off without him! A marriage isn't a one way street. absolutely, and I was only joking... but it looks to me this will be a hard nut to crack...
ADF Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 You write as though the distinction between "having sex" and "making love" is clear and obvious. It isn't. You are charging your husband with an impossible task--i.e. you want him to think like you. Well, no two people are perfectly compatible in every way, sexually or otherwise. You need to express to your husband what you'd like, and BE SPECIFIC. Don'y hold it against him that his romantic imagination doesn't mirror yours.
LonelyTiger Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 absolutely, and I was only joking... but it looks to me this will be a hard nut to crack... I know, sorry, just getting on my high horse (having a bad day!)
Luv2dance Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 If communicating our sexual desires was easy, well we'd all be getting exactly what we want, how we want and when we want, but it's not. I agree using the term "making love" to most men just doesn't make sense so giving him very descriptive terms and visuals might help...play the Top Gun scene for him Just had a "sex" MC session, so if I may share her advice...we have to learn to accept feedback from our spouses about what we like & don't like when it comes to sex. That includes what leads up to the actual event, for women usually the "romancing" and being appreciated as more than just a "sex toy". Also, never talk about sex right before, during, or after, but when you are fully clothed without the possibility of sex.
BentSpine Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 The Top Gun sex scene isn't realistic, I concluded long ago. Tom Cruise acts like his character is asexual or closest gay. In reality, Tom Cruise would be thrusting and breating heavily before soundtrack has echoed the words My Breath Away. I use the term Make Love to a woman if I think doing so is going to increase that chances of sex happening. I believe a woman Gives Love when giving her man his sexual release and a man Gives Love when he gives his woman his attention and listens when she goes on about the details of her day, or when he bring her flowers.
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