execom Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Since my marriage 2 years ago, my husband will only have sex with me. I'm very romantic, and I prefer making love. But every time we get intimate, he only likes to have wild pure sex, which I like too, but not all the time. I've tried setting the scene for romantic love, such as preparing a nice dinner with candles and soft music, but as soon as we start foreplay, he gets excited and our sex looks like a scene from a porn movie. I already told him that I would like to make love once in a while too, such as turning off the light and really be romantic but he doesn't want to. What can I do? I'm 29 and he's 31.
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Stop giving in to the sex only love making. Refuse to play the porn girl. Ask for the passionate kissing you want. Set the scene, as you had initially intended. Tell him you want romantic love making that night, then don't react positively to any moves he makes that aren't what you want, but say, no--tonight I want this, or do this instead-- You can take control of one night's love making without being considered a control freak--just grab that control, and don't let go of it. He will get frustrated, he will keep trying to control the direction of the sex, just don't let go of the control, and eventually he will give in and listen and follow directions because he can't get any sex that night without doing it your way. Now if he gets in an angry mood about the whole thing, then he's selfish and you're work to teach him to also play the way you want half the time is going to be a tough lesson for him to learn. Me thinks you have spoiled him thus far.
CarrieT Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Did he ever make love to you or have you always just had porn sex? You might have to teach him...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 First of all it is SEX.... This "Making Love" is such a female thing of wording things...... It is all the same.... Now very simply.... You take control of the situation, and tell him what to do, lead the way and stop him when he starts with the "porn" moves..... You are in control of your body and shouldn't do what you don't want to do....
Author execom Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 Well, like both of you have suggested, I have tried in the past to take control of the situation but he will say nooo, having sex is much better this way...but I guess I haven't been determined enough and end up giving in to "his" way. I will try to be tougher next time, to the point of refusing to have sex with him if he won't even try to make love. I hope I haven't spoiled him too much, and that he'll see that romantic love can be just as good. Like I said, I don't mind the porn sex, but ALL the time? I'd like to experience making love like scenes from Pretty Woman and Top Gun. I don't know, maybe they don't exist in real life I will definitely try to teach him, it will feel weird but whatever it takes right? Thanks guys for re-assuring me that I can refuse the sex if I'm not 100% satisfied and my demand is pretty normal.
xxoo Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 First of all it is SEX.... This "Making Love" is such a female thing of wording things...... It is all the same.... Maybe she isn't using the terms that make sense to you (and maybe not the terms that make sense to her H), but she is describing 2 different kinds of sex. Is the term "making love" a turn-off for some men? You are in control of your body and shouldn't do what you don't want to do.... Yup! Be clear, and don't use the blanket term "make love". Use words like "slower", "more", "softer", etc...specifically showing him what you WANT. If he asks for the porn stuff, say "tonight I want [insert specifics]".
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Maybe she isn't using the terms that make sense to you (and maybe not the terms that make sense to her H), but she is describing 2 different kinds of sex. Is the term "making love" a turn-off for some men? Yup! Be clear, and don't use the blanket term "make love". Use words like "slower", "more", "softer", etc...specifically showing him what you WANT. If he asks for the porn stuff, say "tonight I want [insert specifics]". Sorry but it is a corny line..... You are having sex..... Plain and simple... He unfortunately is not doing it right;)....
LonelyTiger Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 First of all it is SEX.... This "Making Love" is such a female thing of wording things...... It is all the same.... Now very simply.... You take control of the situation, and tell him what to do, lead the way and stop him when he starts with the "porn" moves..... You are in control of your body and shouldn't do what you don't want to do.... There IS a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love' - a big difference. The moves may sometimes be the same but the experience is entirely different. If you don't know the difference toodamnpragmatic then I feel sorry for any woman you 'make love' to.
xxoo Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 There IS a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love' - a big difference. The moves may sometimes be the same but the experience is entirely different. If you don't know the difference toodamnpragmatic then I feel sorry for any woman you 'make love' to. I think toodamn knows the difference.... But it is good info for the op if some men just react really badly to that term. Her H might be more open to her way of doing things if she finds a way to communicate her wishes without using that term.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 It doesn't have to do with how it looks..my H and I make love sometimes and we probably look a little pornish...sometimes we make love and we are more sensual and calm..It has to do completely with the way you feel and think while doing it. You make it as romantic as you want it..its not all up to your H. They easily get lost and excited sometimes you have to say "not so hard" or "slow down" LOL It just depends on the mood and what you guys both like...eye contact is key for me..and I usually tell him when I like something..he does the same for me. good luck
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 There IS a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love' - a big difference. The moves may sometimes be the same but the experience is entirely different. If you don't know the difference toodamnpragmatic then I feel sorry for any woman you 'make love' to. I don't know how to have SEX (too busy "making love")......
Spark1111 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Execom....So many women sooooo get this! I wonder if it is gender-based. We need the intense emotional connection: romance, slow foreplay, lots of kissing and caressing, the feeling of really be desired and appreciated for who we are as women, and not just a direct approach to our physical "charms." That is what we need. And if we do not get it, we do feel used as if anyone's physical "charms" would do for the porn scene. I think it is the main reason women have affairs. They are seeking the emotional connection they have lost with their spouse. Eventually a woman can just accept begrudgingly "this is how he will ONLY want to have sex," or we shut down and don't even want to join the party anymore. Men who truly understand how women arouse, and the emotional steps needed to get her there, can just about have all the sex they want: sometimes romantic, and sometimes porn-like. IF, they are willing to educate themselves. I hope your husband is one of the educable ones.
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Execom....So many women sooooo get this! I wonder if it is gender-based. We need the intense emotional connection: romance, slow foreplay, lots of kissing and caressing, the feeling of really be desired and appreciated for who we are as women, and not just a direct approach to our physical "charms." That is what we need. And if we do not get it, we do feel used as if anyone's physical "charms" would do for the porn scene. I think it is the main reason women have affairs. They are seeking the emotional connection they have lost with their spouse. Eventually a woman can just accept begrudgingly "this is how he will ONLY want to have sex," or we shut down and don't even want to join the party anymore. Men who truly understand how women arouse, and the emotional steps needed to get her there, can just about have all the sex they want: sometimes romantic, and sometimes porn-like. IF, they are willing to educate themselves. I hope your husband is one of the educable ones. Quoting this because it needs to be read twice for any guy that doesn't get it.
LonelyTiger Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Men who truly understand how women arouse, and the emotional steps needed to get her there, can just about have all the sex they want: sometimes romantic, and sometimes porn-like. And I'm highlighting this because every man on the planet needs to read it, fully digest it, understand it and remember it!
SouthernSunshine Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I've tried setting the scene for romantic love, such as preparing a nice dinner with candles and soft music, but as soon as we start foreplay, he gets excited and our sex looks like a scene from a porn movie. :lmao::lmao: Sorry but that made me laugh out loud! He sounds like an animal... which isn't a bad thing ya know. I have no advice for you, but wanna wish you the best! Good luck!
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 :lmao::lmao: Sorry but that made me laugh out loud! He sounds like an animal... which isn't a bad thing ya know. I have no advice for you, but wanna wish you the best! Good luck! Laugh? So you think it's funny that the op desires an emotional connection, and you throw it in her face? From a woman with a pic of holding 2 drinks at once in a bar....what more need be said? You're in a very different place in life than the op, respect her.
LonelyTiger Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 execom, your husband is being totally selfish . Does he have this much control over the rest of your relationship too? There's nothing wrong with wild sex of course but he has to take your needs into account or he's just being a complete pig. You're not a sex toy. It's your body. If you're in a romantic mood and he wants to play out a porn scene I suggest you get up, get dressed and go watch tv - he'll soon get the message.
CarrieT Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Laugh? So you think it's funny that the op desires an emotional connection, and you throw it in her face? From a woman with a pic of holding 2 drinks at once in a bar....what more need be said? You're in a very different place in life than the op, respect her. Bravo. And very well said.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Chiming in on this "make love" crap??? I can't help but roll my eyes.... Sorry I do my best every time and frankly am pretty sure it is not porn star sex:laugh:...... I am sure some men will set me straight, but there are others as lost as I am hearing this "make love' line (my spouse included)...
SouthernSunshine Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Laugh? So you think it's funny that the op desires an emotional connection, and you throw it in her face? From a woman with a pic of holding 2 drinks at once in a bar....what more need be said? You're in a very different place in life than the op, respect her. If I offended her I'll apologize, but that wasn't my intentions. I wished her luck, does that not count? And since when is having a few drinks a bad thing?
LonelyTiger Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) Chiming in on this "make love" crap??? I can't help but roll my eyes.... Sorry I do my best every time and frankly am pretty sure it is not porn star sex:laugh:...... I am sure some men will set me straight, but there are others as lost as I am hearing this "make love' line (my spouse included)... Of course it's 'porn star sex' - what was it you said - sex and making love is 'all the same'? So if all sex is the same then we all have porn star sex Funny that - I've seen one or two porn videos and I've never seen anybody doing what I call 'making love'. Perhaps I've been doing it wrong all these years! (Oops sorry, just realised I'm not a man!) Edited April 26, 2010 by LonelyTiger
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 If I offended her I'll apologize, but that wasn't my intentions. I wished her luck, does that not count? And since when is having a few drinks a bad thing? Having a few drinks a bad thing...I'm sure you're having a good time, and in your early 20's probably, nothing wrong with all that--most of us have been there. However you should realize that other people are not at the same place and time in life, nor maturity or lack thereof, as you. So your view was skewed to your point in life, and it doesn't apply to the OP. LS replies should be well thought out and have insight, and be sensitive to the OP's feelings. Your post had none of those. Sometimes it's better to just lurk and read if we have no INSIGHT to offer. Ok, enough of that, I want to get back to the discussion at hand. What is emotional attachment during sex? Without it ever, then why not keep the H or W as a good friend, and have sex with whomever? How is the W special, or the H, if it's all porn sex? Why be monogamous? Not that there isn't a place and time for the porn style of sex in a marriage. But every time? SOMETHING IS LACKING. That something is showing value, appreciation, and love for the spouse. Porn style sex can be good. So can love making--where you whisper how much the other person means to you. Where you are softer in style, and more loving in wanting attachment emotionally. Where you want to look into their eyes and share a connection that is both emotional and physical at the same time. Does it really need to be spelled out? Maybe it's a sensitivity issue, those of us who have loved, lost, and understand how fragile love can be, and how much it needs to be nurtured, valued, and protected. I can't believe I'm having to actually spell this out. Wow can people on this planet be worlds apart on sexual-emotional maturity.
make me believe Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 toodamnpragmatic, my BF calls it "making love" sometimes & I never referred to it as that until I met him, so it's not just a female thing! He also calls it "fcking" when the moment calls for it though, so he understands the difference between the two. And there IS a difference, although in a loving relationship they can kinda be the same I guess.... even when my BF and I are having really crazy sex it's still "making love" in a way just because of the emotional connection we share. ANYWAY, to the OP... I'd be very concerned about why your husband doesn't seem to care about what you want & doesn't give a second thought to meeting your needs & wants. He sounds incredibly selfish. Having hot sex is great, but he needs to be willing to slow it down sometimes and make it more romantic with you. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about this. Does he disregard your needs in other areas of your relationship too?
SouthernSunshine Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Having a few drinks a bad thing...I'm sure you're having a good time, and in your early 20's probably, nothing wrong with all that--most of us have been there. However you should realize that other people are not at the same place and time in life, nor maturity or lack thereof, as you. So your view was skewed to your point in life, and it doesn't apply to the OP. LS replies should be well thought out and have insight, and be sensitive to the OP's feelings. Your post had none of those. Sometimes it's better to just lurk and read if we have no INSIGHT to offer. The OP is 4 years older than me. I think she should look at the positives rather than the negatives. At least he's wanting her, and not someone else.
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