MyFullmoon Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Wow... I'm new, first time poster. The past 7 months have been pretty crazy for myself and my husband. I thought about putting this in the marriage forum, but I know that she sees herself as the "other woman," and if this is where other women post, this is where I want to look for advice. My husband and I are in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship. We have been since before we got married. I don't know if it makes any difference, but it was my idea from the start. long story... We have 'rules' that we abide by and it has worked out very well for years. There is no jealousy and no lying, but my husband has gotten involved with a woman who is unstable, and I don't know what to do. It is all too crazy to be real! One of our first rules is for everyone we are with to know we are married... check. She knows, and I know she knows. She is swearing to me that she didn't know he was married. Another rule, no unprotected sex unless birth control is used and STD tests are taken... check. They got tested together and she had an IUD... about 6 months ago, she says she's pregnant. Had the IUD taken out because she wanted to be a mother. With my husband. And didn't tell him until after she's pregnant. Oh my god... it is so hard to type that. She's pregnant... really pregnant. 7 months, and we have an 8 month old. She wants him to leave me for her, and for them to raise their child. Or, if he stays with me she wants their child to have nothing to do with me, never go to our house, never meet his sisters... I need to come back later and finish this... There are ten million more things I haven't said, but this as much as I can deal with right now
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Ok, two minutes later, and I realize that made me look crazy. I'm too emotional right now... So I'm going to write out the facts: We have a shared e-mail address that we use for the people we are with. I have read all of their e-mails. He shows me ALL of his text messages. I know of every conversation that goes on any way other than one on one. When I told her this, she apparently signed up for a new e-mail account almost identical to ours (and only had e-mails from the time after I told her I saw all the messages) The funny thing is that our joint e-mail address was a family nickname for me then the year of my birth. The new e-mail address is family name for me year after my birth... So bizarre. She would have never known what the name was because it is so odd, but I don't know. I mean, nothing from his REAL e-mail address... The one that he uses for his friends that I don't have or want the password for... She tells me he wants to leave me for her, but in the e-mails, he is clearly saying that she needs to stop talking about that because it isn't going to happen and he loves me... He tells her that. She says that she is so in love with him and only wants him, and he says that he has enough love to go around. She calls me a hundred times a day. Crying, screaming, cursing, telling me that I am nothing. She says she is going to be my children's mother, but then says that if I don't give up my husband, she will hurt my children. (TRO right now, but court is next week) She says she is going to have an abortion (at 7 months... How stupid does she think we are?) She is going to put the baby up for adoption (well, if that's the case, we're not letting some random person raise my husbands kid, you'd better believe that we would fight for full custody) He can only have visitation without me there... again, that isn't going to happen. she knew about me before they started dating. She knew about me when she decided to get pregnant. She can't just pretend like I don't exist. She is 42, my husband is 37, and I am 25... And through it all, I feel like I am the only adult. My husband is driving me crazy in that he says he hates her, wants nothing else to do with her, and wants the lawyers to handle it. Sorry, you helped create this problem. She is constantly calling me, showing up at my work, calling my family, his family, our friends, following us when we go to dinner, etc... I cannot be the one to play ref. I am sick of it. We are moving away next year. Out of the country, and she is saying she is going to follow us and we won't sleep. I really want to have compassion for this lady, and I am trying to help her out, I bought her maternity clothes, we are paying for her doctor, at the beginning I made my husband go to the doctor with her, but he is now refusing. I feel bad for her. I know my husband isn't leaving me, and I don't know why she had that idea, but the fact is that she did, and she is really messed up over it. But she can't ruin our lives, and now we will never be rid of this crazyness. Here is my selfish part... I liked our arrangement, the openness, but he is out... She has ruined this for me by being effin crazy. Our marriage was perfect and happy the way it was, and now it can't be that way anymore, and I am angry. Please give me advice. I know I'm all over the place, but I am going to be a stepmother in 2 months, and I just want to make it all better.
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Probably a dumb question, but has paternity been medically established?
CarrieT Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Concur about a paternity test. And file a restraining order.
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 thank you both... No, paternity has not been established... She didn't want ANY testing done, so they only did the mandatory tests. We have to wait and see... To be honest, nothing would surprise me anymore. and TRO is pending until court next week, but it is for my kids only since they are the only ones that she actually threatened... I have talked to a lawyer about telephone harassment, but part of me is worried that one day I will have to explain to this child MY treatment of HIS MOTHER, as I'm sure I will be the bad guy.
CarrieT Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I'm sure I will be the bad guy. You will not be the bad guy if you are protecting your family. First and foremost, think of the children and not yourselves. Work from that standpoint and don't back down.
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) Well, then I would have to agree with your husband somewhat, and let the lawyers do as much as possible. You can't be her punching bag. It's not fair, and isn't helpful to anyone. Isn't there a way to legally demand a paternity test? If she was desperately looking to get pregnant, especially enough to trick your husband by removing the IUD, it's possible she's had more "donors" so to speak. It sounds to me like she's trying to entrap your husband with the pregnancy. Seems to me if she was 100% sure of the paternity, she'd be happy to prove it and not refusing tests. Is she requiring money from you for prenatal care? Edited April 26, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 I know... I just want to think of all the children, and not just mine... this could be my husbands son... He will have my last name, even if his mom's crazy, he is going to need some stability in his life... We are going to have to be that... I have been pregnant and hormonal before, I am truly hoping that something will change for the best. wishful thinking, I know, but I have nothing to do but wait for this child to be born. We have everything saved, so obviously once he's born we will be filing for visitation if not full custody (and I do have mixed feeling about that, as I think that a woman should have her baby with her) but I don't know what is best for ALL the children involved. I just need some clarity to not focus on my anger...
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 We are paying for her prenatal care, she wasn't getting any before, and that wasn't ok with my husband even if it isn't his kid. I think we could have forced the issue during the first trimester, but we were both in such a daze from it all then that we didn't think to make her. I don't think it would be safe now, but the baby will be here in mid-june, so I don't think it is worth it. Once the baby is born the paternity test will be much less invasive. They either do a mouth swab or use cord blood.
lilagirl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds to me as though you have been trying really hard to be compassionate and understand her. My advice is to continue to be understanding and compassionate, no matter what she is throwing at you. Getting into it with her, will not help. She is very hormonal, and sad that her plan didn`t work. You know she can`t legally stop you from loving that child too. If you do plan on leaving the country, I would engage a lawyer asap with regards to paternity and custody. You do not want to be stopped from leaving the country, and want as much leverage as you can get with regards to custody. With regards to your question about your open marriage... While I can see that you are angry, allow your family to go through this torment and let it unfold before you bring that into your lives again. Certainly your husband will be able to fullfill your needs alone for a few months or longer? Once it blows over, and life settles in again, then you and your husband can discuss it again... potentially for him, it would mean, never trusting a woman with her fertility... and always wearing a condom, regardless of birth control confirmation. ALSO, he wld need to be careful how he responds to women... they may not always be in it for the sex... some want love too... as you are experiencing I am sure she does feel like an OW of some sorts, but I know I cannot relate to tricking my MM into a decision with a pregnancy, and I too want to have a baby. The difference between most OW on this site and what you are going through is that most Ws don`t know about us... and we spend our time with our MM in secret...most of us also have very loving, strong, relationships with our MM. So to be able to give you perspective on how she is feeling would be difficult... maybe I am just speaking for me though. Good luck to you and your family. I am very sorry for what you are going through.
Fallen Angel Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 have you (your husband and yourself jointly, or perhaps legally only he can?) considered filing for custody of the child RIGHT NOW, before the baby is born? You can save messages she has left you, logs of phone calls, and the fact that she has threatened both abortion and adoption. The fact that she seems to be mentally unstable would mean that perhaps she is not going to be the most suitable parent for the child. I would not suggest such a thing if she seemed "normal" but as you said, you (and your husband) need to think about the safety and what is in the best interest of all the children; perhaps your husband and you being the custodial parents would be the best option here. If you think this may be a good idea, I would seek legal counsel RIGHT NOW, and get the ball rolling so that she will be legally unable to put the baby up for adoption, move out of state etc. Again, seek legal advice, because I believe your husband may have to "stake a claim" to paternity in order to do so, and that would mean that even if it turns out he is NOT the father, he still may be held legally liable in the future. (much like a husband who does not find out until a divorce that his 10 yr old is not his child, but the courts still hold him legally responsible for child support since he had accepted paternity "without question" in the past, ya know?
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 thanks ya'll... we have a family law attorney. She is working on custody for us, but I am on the fence about it. I guess I would call myself a feminist, and I had always felt as though a man shouldn't have the right to take a baby away from the mother that carried him/her for nine months, but that's the problem with seeing things in black and white. I know that this situation isn't ideal for anyone involved, but the mind gymnastics are really getting to me tonight. She met my husband by replying to an ad on craigslist that I WROTE!... It was a birthday joke on him, and I didn't think it would get any responses except for spam, but lo and behold, anyway... She is saying that she didn't know he was married, then she said that he swore he was going to leave me for her, and both of those issues were addressed in the original ad. I know everyone has to think that we live in a trailer somewhere, but we are both graduate students looking to make our lives better and more exciting. I know where he is coming from in regards to to open relationship, but but but... I just had a baby 8 months ago and I am finally pretty and skinny again, and now he doesn't want to see other people...lol... It isn't a major concern of mine, the deal was that if either of us ever decided this wasn't the way to go, it would end, no questions asked. If this child is my husbands, I will love him just like I love my girls. He would be related to everyone in my family by blood except me. If the need arose for us to take full custody (which is what my husband wants, and what my brain tells me is the best course of action,) I would treat him as my son. I would never come between him and his mother, though I am not her biggest fan right now, nor would I keep him from her side of the family. My MIL just about had a heart attack when she found out about all of this, and drama queen that she is, thinks that my husband did this intentionally just to hurt her and make her look bad to her friends. Her friends wouldn't know if she didn't go around telling everyone how awful of a husband and father and son he is, but I digress... I'm sure I will be back to post more...
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 i have been gone for the past few days, and she came over tonight... broke our window, and is now in jail... my husband called the cops on her... i didn't go home, but the police are gone now, and he was just able to talk to me on the phone. He is furious... I am just here, unmoved, and i don't even care anymore... I laughed when he told me, and he got angry with me. This is such a soap opera...
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 we have one for our kids, but i think tonight was enough for us to take one out for ourselves...
Author MyFullmoon Posted April 30, 2010 Author Posted April 30, 2010 the kids are with me at my moms house and have been for the past 2 days. I'm sure she didn't know that, though. He may have talked to her and said something about it, that would explain why she hasn't been calling me. So, technically, she didn't violate the restraining order, but breaking the window was obviously a threatening gesture. I'm not afraid of her, just tired. As for the open marriage, I think that is on the back burner for a long time coming... He said today, "I just want you, can you only just want me?" To which I said, "Of course, that's why I married you." But I am hopeful that one day this will pass and we can return to our previous lifestyle...
skywriter Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 MyFullMoon, My goodness there is alot of drama happening in your neck of the woods. I agree with whomever said to continue being nice and understanding with this woman. She's unpredictable , desperate and unstable. I'm sure no one needs to tell you, in the future stay a bit closer to home, maybe when choosing outside relationships. Get to know them very well before going there. Actually, it could and does happen to anyone in any kind of relationship. Happen to myself as well. Of course, it wasn't to this level, thank goodness. I started seeing a man once that , long story short, had some issues with possesiveness, jealousy, and didn't trust or believe people. Oh boy, he was over the top with it. Had to let him go, but not before he, showed his a$$ first. Anyway, I hope the end of this looks alot brighter than all this in between has looked for you. I'm sure getting back to normal will be a relief.
road Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Question, how long are you going to keep your marriage an open marriage? Have you been doing somethings/someone on the side during this time?
Author MyFullmoon Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 well, I think I said a couple of times that my husband isn't interested in having an open relationship anymore, and our rule was always that we both had to be on board in order for something like this to work. I have not had anyone on the side while he has been with her. He started seeing her while I was pregnant with our baby, and we found out that she was pregnant when our daughter was about 2.5 months old. That was the only reason I questioned whether he truly is the father, as he didn't see her much then. He went out a few times, but from about June until she said she was pregnant he saw her maybe 5 times.
White Flower Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Wow... I'm new, first time poster. The past 7 months have been pretty crazy for myself and my husband. I thought about putting this in the marriage forum, but I know that she sees herself as the "other woman," and if this is where other women post, this is where I want to look for advice. My husband and I are in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship. We have been since before we got married. I don't know if it makes any difference, but it was my idea from the start. long story... We have 'rules' that we abide by and it has worked out very well for years. There is no jealousy and no lying, but my husband has gotten involved with a woman who is unstable, and I don't know what to do. It is all too crazy to be real! One of our first rules is for everyone we are with to know we are married... check. She knows, and I know she knows. She is swearing to me that she didn't know he was married. Another rule, no unprotected sex unless birth control is used and STD tests are taken... check. They got tested together and she had an IUD... about 6 months ago, she says she's pregnant. Had the IUD taken out because she wanted to be a mother. With my husband. And didn't tell him until after she's pregnant. Oh my god... it is so hard to type that. She's pregnant... really pregnant. 7 months, and we have an 8 month old. She wants him to leave me for her, and for them to raise their child. Or, if he stays with me she wants their child to have nothing to do with me, never go to our house, never meet his sisters... I need to come back later and finish this... There are ten million more things I haven't said, but this as much as I can deal with right now So sorry to hear that this woman did not follow the rules. If your H loves you he will begin to follow YOUR rules from now on! She can have her baby, but she can't dictate if you're a part of this baby's future or not! He got her pregnant but while he was M with you. Any state will back you up on his visitation because she cannot deem who he spends his visitation with unless she can prove you are unfit and if your own baby hasn't been taken from you then she can't prove didly. How does your H feel?
White Flower Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 i have been gone for the past few days, and she came over tonight... broke our window, and is now in jail... my husband called the cops on her... i didn't go home, but the police are gone now, and he was just able to talk to me on the phone. He is furious... I am just here, unmoved, and i don't even care anymore... I laughed when he told me, and he got angry with me. This is such a soap opera... (((((MyFullmoon))))) You're at your wits end. She is a psycho. Hopefully your H will come around and see that you just can't take any more. Hope all this ends well.
SavannahSmiles Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I guess I would call myself a feminist, and I had always felt as though a man shouldn't have the right to take a baby away from the mother that carried him/her for nine months, but that's the problem with seeing things in black and white. You've always thought a man doesn't have as much right to be a parent as a woman? Is it his fault he didn't actually carry the baby? It's still half his, half hers.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 the kids are with me at my moms house and have been for the past 2 days. I'm sure she didn't know that, though. He may have talked to her and said something about it, that would explain why she hasn't been calling me. So, technically, she didn't violate the restraining order, but breaking the window was obviously a threatening gesture. I'm not afraid of her, just tired. As for the open marriage, I think that is on the back burner for a long time coming... He said today, "I just want you, can you only just want me?" To which I said, "Of course, that's why I married you." But I am hopeful that one day this will pass and we can return to our previous lifestyle... WTF!!?!? After all this pain and destruction the catalyst that made this whole situation happen, you want to go back to it! Your HUSBAND is having a baby with another woman and you want to open the door to it happening again! WTF is you on drugs or something??? Didnt you learn anything from this situation?
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 only just want me?" To which I said, "Of course, that's why I married you." But I am hopeful that one day this will pass and we can return to our previous lifestyle... I think she means by previous lifestyle, it's before the open marriage, when it was only the two of them, noone else.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I think she means by previous lifestyle, it's before the open marriage, when it was only the two of them, noone else. no, no, no. she meant the open marriage, thats what it looked like to me. I thought about putting this in the marriage forum, but I know that she sees herself as the "other woman," and if this is where other women post, this is where I want to look for advice. My husband and I are in a non-monogamous, polyamorous relationship. We have been since before we got married. I don't know if it makes any difference, but it was my idea from the start. long story. ...WTF am I wrong?
Author MyFullmoon Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Thank you white flower, I appreciate the support. I know that we just need some time to work through everything, and we will get back to normal. First question, No, I don't think that a man should have a right to a child just because he slept with the mother. Every case is different, but I think in general, equality shouldn't be forced when clearly men and women are unequal in raising children. I love my husband, but he can't feed our baby, he wasn't connected to her before she was born. I feel like it is the same as abortion, this is my body that carried this child for nine months, so I get to decide who is in my child's life. I can tell that this woman doesn't agree with me, though, she doesn't even want to nurse her child... I understand if she tried and realized she couldn't, but to be so disdainful of her own baby to not even try just doesn't compute in my brain. I hope that she becomes more maternal once he is here, because I know a little baby needs that. His mother. And second, yes, one day I would like to have an open marriage again. Obviously my husband made a big mistake with this one, but I think with some changes to the rules we can make it work. Not on drugs and not crazy, I just happen to enjoy my life the way that it was before. I don't know any couple that has the type of relationship that my husband and I have, and I believe that this is an important reason why. Just because you mess up at something doesn't mean that you quit...
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