mikeymad Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Ok, gone on a few dates with a few different girls, seemed to hit it off, but time goes by it seems to me that instead of saying thanks but no thanks, they leave the possibility open to doing something, but it seems like I am the one making the effort to stay in contact, plan things etc. I know girls like the guy to be the pursuer, but it gets exhausting. At some point do you just give up, or would straight up asking them if they're still interested be too direct, and lead to problems either way (even if they weren't on their way out)? I really dislike this whole "avoid conflict" thing that some people have going on.
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Are they multi-dating too...? That makes it easier for them to not have to put forth any effort or show as much interest, as they can just have guy 2 or 3, etc. to ask them out and make plans. I prefer the direct, "where is this going," route...it may seem awkward, but I prefer not to waste my time...if the girl is truly interested, it won't be awkward at all, but a natural progression of things...if the girl is on the fence, not sure, or just isn't interested, then I'm outtie...makes things a lot simpler...for both parties...
Author mikeymad Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 But how early do you bust it out? Are we talking a couple dates in, or even as the first date? I always try to confirm that we can do something again or not by the end of the date..IE I don't want to be told "Yeah, lets do something again" and then get blown off.
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 But how early do you bust it out? When the natural progression of things stalls or starts moving backwards...and it's a subjective determination of the situation...sometimes it's easy...for example, the last girl I dated about a month ago for a few weeks came out and said that she wanted to slow things down...then I asked what she wanted from us dating...she didn't know...and you could see the me-shaped whole in the wall... Other times it's just an accumulation of stupid crap...and you just have to decide when you've had an enough...as for what you're saying about having to make all the effort in dating, I 100% agree with you...at some point the girl has to show some interest and reciprocation in communication...there was this girl I dated a while back that NEVER called or texted me...she said that "she just doesn't do that"...at first I was ok with always having to contact her (because I was desperate)...but after a while, I had enough and launched... So it's not really a specific timeline that you follow...it's just when you've had enough of the crap or feel that the girl is just not worth it or doesn't seem all that interested...so it just depends...
In-The-Wheat Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) I like what USMChokie said.. Just ask "where do you see this going?". Its blunt, but you get an answer and can read the person when they respond. It takes some nerve to say it calmly, but you just have to do it for your own sake. Thats what I did with my last girl. On about our third serious date, after I made her dinner and we were relaxing - I asked basically the same question and she responded "A relationship...but I want to take it slow". I agreed and her saying that was was enough to keep pursuing & invest effort in her - it went really well for a few weeks after that, but unfortunately she broke it off for some reason. At least I know I wasn't just chasing something that wasn't there from the very beginning. I was comfortable knowing she had some feelings/interest in the potential of us together & that I didn't completely waste my time. Thats what you gotta find out early man. Just ask casually over a dinner alone when you are both relaxed/ I'd wait a few weeks/dates before bringing it up though. Edited April 26, 2010 by In-The-Wheat
In-The-Wheat Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 So it's not really a specific timeline that you follow...it's just when you've had enough of the crap or feel that the girl is just not worth it or doesn't seem all that interested...so it just depends... lol or just this! I guess its more situation specific then... My ex girl texted/called me a lot throughout our time together so she was showing real interest. I just like to have some kind of "confirmation" that it is indeed going somewhere meaningful & its not just some BS fling thing. Just gotta ask, and if you get some bull, don't waste your time.
and.then.some Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 (edited) Ok, gone on a few dates with a few different girls, seemed to hit it off, but time goes by it seems to me that instead of saying thanks but no thanks, they leave the possibility open to doing something, but it seems like I am the one making the effort to stay in contact, plan things etc. I know girls like the guy to be the pursuer, but it gets exhausting. At some point do you just give up, or would straight up asking them if they're still interested be too direct, and lead to problems either way (even if they weren't on their way out)? I really dislike this whole "avoid conflict" thing that some people have going on. I'm a pretty straight forward person, and don't mind the direct approach. In fact, I appreciate it, as it might take some of the time and confusion out of it for me as well. I honestly don't feel there's a too early point for this one, as it often comes up on the first date or first phone call for me. (Yes, the guys normally ask to see what I'm looking for, or if I'm dating other people.) Whether guys or girls, I personally think that when people are really into one another they naturally gravitate to the object of their affection. It doesn't matter whether the chemistry is physical, mental, or emotional. If you're doing all the work, as in ALL of the work, (with American girls) that usually means that you just haven't hit the right spot yet. That right spot could be something as simple as letting girl X know that you're actually looking for a relationship. If you're looking for a steady partner (casual or serious), I think it's important to establish early on what you're looking for. If they're just "dating" they could just "date" you forever and not really have a problem with it. If you're dating with the hope of landing in a monogamous relationship, you should probably make that clear up front. Don't make it sound like a job interview lol, but just let the person know what you're looking for and find out what she's looking for as well. For me, the guys usually ask me first, and then follow with their reply. The guys who don't ask almost always seem to be either super shy or only looking for panties. As for when... cost benefit analysis, my dear. Are the benefits worth the trouble you're putting in, or will have to put in as time goes on. Edited April 26, 2010 by and.then.some
carhill Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 When I consciously feel a lack of proactive interest, I cut them loose. As a comparison, I use the interest of the wives of my male friends as a barometer. If a woman doesn't show me at least that kind of proactive interest (I'm talking about in general, not 'romantic'-specific), bye-bye. Doesn't matter if she 'likes' going out with me. I had a decade-long marriage with that cr@p and my tolerance level is low. Generally, I perceive this after a date or two, sometimes even less. I just don't waste time with women any more. So many more interesting things to do in life with people who are interested in me.
so gutted Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 ok i have the same issue. He seems to want me to pursue. When I mentioned that men should do this, he said maybe he hasnt been a man for the while. He also said that he is "here"....meaning that If i want to make the effort he is around... He mentioned meeting this weekend and then did not follow it up - leaving the "invitation open"....this is really not my style - if i make the effort - how and when do i know if he is actually interested?
Phateless Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Ok, gone on a few dates with a few different girls, seemed to hit it off, but time goes by it seems to me that instead of saying thanks but no thanks, they leave the possibility open to doing something, but it seems like I am the one making the effort to stay in contact, plan things etc. I know girls like the guy to be the pursuer, but it gets exhausting. At some point do you just give up, or would straight up asking them if they're still interested be too direct, and lead to problems either way (even if they weren't on their way out)? I really dislike this whole "avoid conflict" thing that some people have going on. Hate to break it to you, but MOST GIRLS are conflict-avoidant in this way. Beyond that, they're awkward-avoidant. If you ask them outright they will tell you yes when they mean no, just to avoid an awkward conversation. Learn to read between the lines and figure this out. If you have to ask, they're probably not that into you. NEXT!
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 learn to read between the lines and figure this out. if you have to ask, they're probably not that into you. Next! +1,000,000.
hopesndreams Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Listen to your spidey sense. There are clues to be picked up on when someone shows interest. Body language and what they talk about in conversation. If you sense someone doesn't have the same interest in you that you have or might have, don't waste time on them. Yeah, I'm just learning too.
Phateless Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Ok, gone on a few dates with a few different girls, seemed to hit it off, but time goes by it seems to me that instead of saying thanks but no thanks, they leave the possibility open to doing something, but it seems like I am the one making the effort to stay in contact, plan things etc. I know girls like the guy to be the pursuer, but it gets exhausting. At some point do you just give up, or would straight up asking them if they're still interested be too direct, and lead to problems either way (even if they weren't on their way out)? I really dislike this whole "avoid conflict" thing that some people have going on. Just thought of something. WHY are you going on lots of dates without kissing them? It's possible they lose interest because you don't make a move. I've heard it said (and tested this theory!) that it only takes 3 signs of interest before she's ready to be kissed. After I heard this I started making the move earlier and earlier and didn't get shot down once. Sack up and go for it.
CLC2008 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I like what USMChokie said.. Just ask "where do you see this going?". Its blunt, but you get an answer and can read the person when they respond. It takes some nerve to say it calmly, but you just have to do it for your own sake. This is the most direct route, but keep in mind, sometimes the driver doesn't always know which direction the car is headed. I'd say if their response is something along the lines of "I don't know, but I'd like to see where things could go", or "I like you and I am def interested in seeing where things could go", then that's all considered positive reinforcement and I'd consider it a good sign.
Phateless Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Just ask "where do you see this going?". Its blunt, but you get an answer and can read the person when they respond. It takes some nerve to say it calmly, but you just have to do it for your own sake. NO!! This is the easiest way to freak her out and makes you seem needy, insecure and clingy, all negative qualities. Who asks that after only a few dates? I repeat my earlier question. Why go on many dates without kissing them? What's the point?
Author mikeymad Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 It's been 1 or 2 dates with multiple people. The purpose was to see if there was a connection there, not to face-suck somebody to make sure the physical attraction is confirmed. I'm not saying asking if things are going ok, but if you're feeling like you're gonna crash and burn anyways, what's there to lose? Or maybe I should just go for the face-suck and that will either confirm or deny...that's way more smooth
Phateless Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 It's been 1 or 2 dates with multiple people. The purpose was to see if there was a connection there, not to face-suck somebody to make sure the physical attraction is confirmed. I'm not saying asking if things are going ok, but if you're feeling like you're gonna crash and burn anyways, what's there to lose? Or maybe I should just go for the face-suck and that will either confirm or deny...that's way more smooth If it's only one or two dates they don't owe you an explanation. You're probably trying too hard. Honestly, if you haven't made a move by the end of the second date they're probably assuming that you're the one who isn't interested. I'm not saying you have to sleep with them but at the very least give the girl a kiss good night so that she knows you like her.
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