MM actually showed up for our weekend

[I Miss the Kiss]

From my last thread you can read the latest in this drama. To make it short, MM did end up coming down for his conference in my town. I was at the hotel with my girlfriends (had decided to go with them and have fun without them!)

 

I called MM at about 6:30 as we were getting ready and primped to go out. He sounded sad and said he wanted to come down to see me so bad, even though he had said he wouldn't. I told him to come, that he could use some fun, too. We talked for about 30 minutes and he finally told me he had already headed my direction and had been doing so the whole time we were talking.

 

Of course I was happy and we ended up having the BEST time. A lot of guys he works with up in his town were here, too, and he made sure we looked them up and hung out with them as well. this means he made no effort to hide me whatsoever. Yes, his W knows I was there, obvioiusly, but these are co-workers and otherwise.

 

So we had a blast, he asked me to come back with him to his town the next day so i could spend the night with him because he had to work this morning. We ended up just staying all day yesterday at my house because we were both too tired to drive back north, so we slept most of the day & he stayed here til 8 p.m. last night then drove 3.5 hours home. I couldn't complain about that either. That's HUGE for him to be here at all, let alone stay.

 

While we were out Friday he told me his wife did actually file for divorce last week. He has not been served yet but she told him Thursday night. Part of him is relieved but he says he still feels such guilt for hurting her, which is understandable. I felt bad when my H filed, because it was because of me that he did it. I had an A and wouldn't end it. Enough said. Same for MM's W.

 

But, ladies and gentleman, I need advice badly. MM wants us to keep some space while he works through all of this. I am so skeptical that I immediately expect the worst. I know in my situation I needed my MM MORE not LESS after my H filed. I needed his advice, his ear, his love.

 

MM has changed his approach a bit, though. He now says we can text a little bit each day and talk once, but not our normal few times a day talking. I am more than OK with that IF IT ISN'T AN EXCUSE.

 

This is where I need advice: LS'ers, do you think MM asking for time to work through each day now that she filed is an acceptable request? I know it is, but I need to hear it. We talked a LOT while he was here. He said he's dealing with guilt for hurting her, yet he has no desire to go back to her and be in the M. A lot of people around him have been hurt by it, too, so he is dealing with that.

 

What is it he is doing every day he is "working through it"? I mean that in all sincerity bc I just don't think and work that way. I NEED HIM when I'm hurting...

 

As he was leaving my home last night I looked into those big blue eyes and he said "I love you Peanut, just give me time to get through this..."

 

I just don't want to be hurt anymore...

 

I'm trying so hard to be strong for him, understanding. I don't even know what I asking other than maybe for some insight from anyone who has stood by their MM or MW through a divorce. We are so strong in every other way. He drove down here, he told her he was coming (he even showed me their text conversation, which is also a big deal for him to do). Her reply to him was "your choices speak volumes, don't call me..."

 

I think she's done. I think he's done. But now what I don't know is where to go from herre..

 

I am so tired

Edited April 25, 2010 by I Miss the Kiss

[fooled once]

Since he has "been done" so many times, I understand your skepticism.

 

Honestly? Back up and step back. I think you are smothering him. You need constant reassurance (understandably) but he isn't and CAN'T give you that. You either trust or you don't. If you don't trust -get out of the relationship.

 

Leave him be - let him work on himself without 100 texts and calls from you each day. You have got to find something else to do with yourself instead of bombard him all day. Your neediness is something most men are NOT attracted to.

 

Become independent. Become your own comfort, your own support. Stop leaning on him to be everything for you.

 

I won't comment on the rest, because it is irrelevant. He has 'shown up' and the dumped your the next day so many times....

[I Miss the Kiss]

 

I won't comment on the rest, because it is irrelevant. He has 'shown up' and the dumped your the next day so many times....

 

Exactly. This is why I am nauseous today. This is what I need to hear, that I need to back up. I know this down deep but can't seem to put it into practice.

 

Is there hope that he may truly be trying to work through this and be whole for me, as he has said? I know he feels "weird", as he calls it, knowing she just filed. I totally understand and have been there. I have not spoken to him today and only texted a good morning as usual. He replied good morning. I have held strong and stayed away today. He did talk to me on the phone for an hour on his way home last night and was honest and open with all of my questions. I truly think the bottom line is that he is somewhat okay with the end of the marriage but not with the fact that he hurt her and a lot of other people. He said he has to learn to be okay with himself now, not be so hard on himself... what's done is done and we move on and be better the next time.

 

He said when his W told him she filed, she seemed upset that he wasn't "angry" about it. I told him that is understandable, I think. I think she wanted a reaction that she just didn't get. He said his reply to her statement that she filed was "It is what it is... you did what you had to do." No wonder she was mad!

 

SIGH

[fooled once]

Exactly. This is why I am nauseous today. This is what I need to hear, that I need to back up. I know this down deep but can't seem to put it into practice.

 

Is there hope that he may truly be trying to work through this and be whole for me, as he has said? I know he feels "weird", as he calls it, knowing she just filed. I totally understand and have been there. I have not spoken to him today and only texted a good morning as usual. He replied good morning. I have held strong and stayed away today. He did talk to me on the phone for an hour on his way home last night and was honest and open with all of my questions. I truly think the bottom line is that he is somewhat okay with the end of the marriage but not with the fact that he hurt her and a lot of other people. He said he has to learn to be okay with himself now, not be so hard on himself... what's done is done and we move on and be better the next time.

 

He said when his W told him she filed, she seemed upset that he wasn't "angry" about it. I told him that is understandable, I think. I think she wanted a reaction that she just didn't get. He said his reply to her statement that she filed was "It is what it is... you did what you had to do." No wonder she was mad!

 

SIGH

 

I have no idea what he is thinking and to try to figure it out is going to drive you crazy. We all react differently. I had no need to "work on myself" or get myself together at my divorce. I didn't feel anything except gleeful when I filed. I had no reservations at all, and if I did, I wouldn't have filed.

 

Many times, just because someone files, doesn't mean the marriage is over. I hate to see you continue to get your hopes up, only to have him trample all over your heart.

 

Because HE didn't file - this would be a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag to me - if I were you. You are putting everything into him, and he is NOT doing the same for you. If he was, HE would have filed. I would honestly bet, by summer, they are back together. And no amount of bugging him, declaring your undying love or smothering him will change that.

 

YOU have to let it play out. QUIT texting him. he asked you how many times already to let him be, to give him space. Why can't you do that? Let HIM chase you, if he wants to. Quit chasing him.

 

Hon, you can't make someone love you. You can't make someone be with you. You have to let him make his own way and walk his own journey. You can't walk it with him. HE has to do it.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I have no idea what he is thinking and to try to figure it out is going to drive you crazy. We all react differently. I had no need to "work on myself" or get myself together at my divorce. I didn't feel anything except gleeful when I filed. I had no reservations at all, and if I did, I wouldn't have filed.

 

Many times, just because someone files, doesn't mean the marriage is over. I hate to see you continue to get your hopes up, only to have him trample all over your heart.

 

Because HE didn't file - this would be a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag to me - if I were you. You are putting everything into him, and he is NOT doing the same for you. If he was, HE would have filed. I would honestly bet, by summer, they are back together. And no amount of bugging him, declaring your undying love or smothering him will change that.

 

YOU have to let it play out. QUIT texting him. he asked you how many times already to let him be, to give him space. Why can't you do that? Let HIM chase you, if he wants to. Quit chasing him.

 

Hon, you can't make someone love you. You can't make someone be with you. You have to let him make his own way and walk his own journey. You can't walk it with him. HE has to do it.

 

I guess I should clarify that a lot of texting and talking WAS our norm before. He was just as much a texter and caller as I was, so this is not new to us. We are 3.5 hours away from each other, so this was our only communication for the majority of the time. My question was for opinions on why someone would need to cut the communication so drastically. I'm not saying its wrong, just trying to understand because I am not that way. I want to communicate, especially when I'm hurting or dealing with my ex-H. But everyone is different.

 

However, it is true that I need to let him be, no matter what is reasons are. He hasn't cut me off completely by any means, and I am thankful for that. He drove 3.5 hours to be with me, knowing the firestorm he was to face when he got back home (everyone knowing he came down to be with me).

 

This man loves me, without a doubt. But where that gets us I have no idea. I just have to ride it out or get out, plain and simple.

 

He didn't file, that's right. And it bothers me a lot. I don't see them back together at all, but I also know that doesn't automatically mean he will be with me, either. he's always said he knew he would screw it all up and end up alone. He may be right. Its been a year to the day, yesterday, and his W has endured at least 10 D-days now. TEN in a year. he has continued talking and being with me these past 4 months that he has lived apart from her, and she knows this from phone records, etc.

 

I am tried of trying to understand it all.

[lilagirl]

I guess I should clarify that a lot of texting and talking WAS our norm before. He was just as much a texter and caller as I was, so this is not new to us. We are 3.5 hours away from each other, so this was our only communication for the majority of the time. My question was for opinions on why someone would need to cut the communication so drastically. I'm not saying its wrong, just trying to understand because I am not that way. I want to communicate, especially when I'm hurting or dealing with my ex-H. But everyone is different.

 

However, it is true that I need to let him be, no matter what is reasons are. He hasn't cut me off completely by any means, and I am thankful for that. He drove 3.5 hours to be with me, knowing the firestorm he was to face when he got back home (everyone knowing he came down to be with me).

 

This man loves me, without a doubt. But where that gets us I have no idea. I just have to ride it out or get out, plain and simple.

 

He didn't file, that's right. And it bothers me a lot. I don't see them back together at all, but I also know that doesn't automatically mean he will be with me, either. he's always said he knew he would screw it all up and end up alone. He may be right. Its been a year to the day, yesterday, and his W has endured at least 10 D-days now. TEN in a year. he has continued talking and being with me these past 4 months that he has lived apart from her, and she knows this from phone records, etc.

 

I am tried of trying to understand it all.

 

As a newcomer to the site, I don`t know allot of your back story, or how many times you have been through this... All i know is that with my MM, i want him to come to the decision of me on his own... without my pushing... and I know that it would require us to back off at some point so he can focus on him...

 

I did not require any time, and like you, I needed my MM in the darkest days of dealing with my separation. I know its hard to sit around and wait... and without knowing your story... I have no doubt that you have done plenty of waiting...

 

You are in the home stretch now... and its now that your love is being put to the test. I don`t know if you allow him to feel the loss that he has experienced, ir if him saying he misses his wife and life would upset you... He is going through a really rough time... I am sure he is feeling tramendous guilt.

 

Give him what he needs, and stop being so needy on his emotions... he can`t feel what he needs to feel when he is trying to protect your emotions all the time. He is asking for what he needs, and he is feeling safe enough to take new risks with you... take what you have with him, and be patient a little longer... more patient than you have ever been, because its a new beginning for him... Redevelop your life as though you would if there was NC, it will be healthy for you both anyway...

 

if you can`t do that, and the pain is too much, than you have to be true to yourself, and walk away.

 

Good luck my dear... Trust your love like you have everytime you decided to wait a little longer...

[whichwayisup]

But, ladies and gentleman, I need advice badly. MM wants us to keep some space while he works through all of this. I am so skeptical that I immediately expect the worst. I know in my situation I needed my MM MORE not LESS after my H filed. I needed his advice, his ear, his love.

 

You handled it your way and your MM needs to handle it his way. Most men don't want to be around people when they are hurting/suffering. You have to give him space..Space to think, space to grieve the loss of his marriage, time for him to heal and most of all, time to adjust to being alone. Doesn't mean you two have to do total NC, but it means SLOWING things down. GET OUT of the affair mode, which is what you have. It's not a real relationship and if you want that healthy relationship with him, you must back off and stop freaking out and thinking the worst. If this guy IS the guy of your dreams, you need to trust him and have faith. If you can't do that, and give him space to work through his issues alone, then you two will never work out down the road.

 

He isn't you, so don't put expectations on him. You needed him during the process after your D, he is the opposite of that. Respect that and just let him do what he needs to do. Keep intouch, talk, see eachother casually once a week or something, but don't push to see him daily, let alone try to move in with him.

[whichwayisup]

guess I should clarify that a lot of texting and talking WAS our norm before

 

Affair mode. Intense, dramatic, feeling insecure, NEEDING to be intouch with him so many times.. Now you need to get out of that mode and relax. Rebuild something new with him and base it on getting to know eachother single and free people, not you as the OW and him as the MM. Make sense?

[MizzBlue72]

Wow - sounds a lot like my situation.

MM was not there for me when I went through my D. That hurt - really bad. He said he was too busy. The longer we spoke months later, I realized he felt guilty - like he was the cause for the D -- and that was SO far from the truth!!!

 

He is now going through a D. He had told me months ago that he would need space to sort things through. It never happened. We were in constant contact, and I want to help him as much possible, because I know from experience how much it hurt when he was not there. But I also now see what he went through - I really thought at one time he left her for me. He even told me that all I would have to have done was ask him to leave - I never could have done that!!

 

Give him time, and space. He too will be grieving as you were in the end of your marriage.

 

What I wasn't prepared for was him telling me that he isn't sure of what he wants. I respect it - but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less to hear it.

 

You guys will get through this. Be strong. He needs to D on his own - for his reasons I am sure. Just be prepared that now when you are both D, you will be on a level playing field too. For me - the A life was one way, and now the RL relationship is good -- still full of emotions, trying to understand if and when I will integrate all the moving parts.

 

Hang in there I say if you can text a few times each day - if you love him - it's OK.

[whichwayisup]

I say if you can text a few times each day - if you love him - it's OK.

 

Not when he specifically has asked for some time and space. Once a day is fine, and then she has to let him contact her. Maybe it's just me, but when one person is messed up, has nothing to give, has their own emotions and some grieving to do, and they ask for space, it's best to give it to them. This has nothing to do with love, it has to do with respecting someone else's wishes and put them first, not think of "ME, I want this, I want that, I need this.."

[mybrowneyedgirl]

now is your time to sit back and let him chase you. as hard as it is he'll only be secure in his decision if he comes to it on his own.

 

my xmm is separated. his wife is the one who filed. he emails me constantly and i have yet to respond.

 

at the same time im going through my own D. at times i want to scream at him and demand he be there. after all, he is the reason that i am divorcing. but i dont. and the emails keep coming.

 

you can only be free to be together if he comes to that conclusion without any doubts. youre getting what you want. be patient and go with it. as hard as it is, make him think youre not the reason.

[desertmoon]

My question was for opinions on why someone would need to cut the communication so drastically.

 

 

Because: 1) It IS a difficult time and he needs clarity of mind or

2) He is not sure if he really wants a divorce and wants to make

sure he has done everything he could to save the marriage or

3) He does not want to upset his soon-to-be-ex-wife MORE by

his insensitivity to her pain at this time (by appearing to have

already "moved on" with his life.

[pureinheart]

From my last thread you can read the latest in this drama. To make it short, MM did end up coming down for his conference in my town. I was at the hotel with my girlfriends (had decided to go with them and have fun without them!)

 

I called MM at about 6:30 as we were getting ready and primped to go out. He sounded sad and said he wanted to come down to see me so bad, even though he had said he wouldn't. I told him to come, that he could use some fun, too. We talked for about 30 minutes and he finally told me he had already headed my direction and had been doing so the whole time we were talking.

 

Of course I was happy and we ended up having the BEST time. A lot of guys he works with up in his town were here, too, and he made sure we looked them up and hung out with them as well. this means he made no effort to hide me whatsoever. Yes, his W knows I was there, obvioiusly, but these are co-workers and otherwise.

 

So we had a blast, he asked me to come back with him to his town the next day so i could spend the night with him because he had to work this morning. We ended up just staying all day yesterday at my house because we were both too tired to drive back north, so we slept most of the day & he stayed here til 8 p.m. last night then drove 3.5 hours home. I couldn't complain about that either. That's HUGE for him to be here at all, let alone stay.

 

While we were out Friday he told me his wife did actually file for divorce last week. He has not been served yet but she told him Thursday night. Part of him is relieved but he says he still feels such guilt for hurting her, which is understandable. I felt bad when my H filed, because it was because of me that he did it. I had an A and wouldn't end it. Enough said. Same for MM's W.

 

But, ladies and gentleman, I need advice badly. MM wants us to keep some space while he works through all of this. I am so skeptical that I immediately expect the worst. I know in my situation I needed my MM MORE not LESS after my H filed. I needed his advice, his ear, his love.

 

MM has changed his approach a bit, though. He now says we can text a little bit each day and talk once, but not our normal few times a day talking. I am more than OK with that IF IT ISN'T AN EXCUSE.

 

This is where I need advice: LS'ers, do you think MM asking for time to work through each day now that she filed is an acceptable request? I know it is, but I need to hear it. We talked a LOT while he was here. He said he's dealing with guilt for hurting her, yet he has no desire to go back to her and be in the M. A lot of people around him have been hurt by it, too, so he is dealing with that.

 

What is it he is doing every day he is "working through it"? I mean that in all sincerity bc I just don't think and work that way. I NEED HIM when I'm hurting...

 

As he was leaving my home last night I looked into those big blue eyes and he said "I love you Peanut, just give me time to get through this..."

 

I just don't want to be hurt anymore...

 

I'm trying so hard to be strong for him, understanding. I don't even know what I asking other than maybe for some insight from anyone who has stood by their MM or MW through a divorce. We are so strong in every other way. He drove down here, he told her he was coming (he even showed me their text conversation, which is also a big deal for him to do). Her reply to him was "your choices speak volumes, don't call me..."

 

I think she's done. I think he's done. But now what I don't know is where to go from herre..

 

I am so tired

 

Ahhhh (third bold), I hear ya, life has been way too much for me too lately, and on the first bold I agree whole heartedly....

 

Hey IMTK, why does he tell her where he is going? It sounds like he has a cell phone so if there were problems with the kids (I can't remember if any are involved) or anything she could just leave a message or talk directly to him.

 

Second bold...for real...sometimes we get soooo caught up in their deal we are forgotten in areas and that should be discussed with him.

 

From my experience exDM only wanted to talk to his stb-ex about the settlement, everything centered around that...AFTER the D was final THEN they began to communicate about the kids and such.

 

Everyone in the world has a different view, different opinion...some are bias, some are not...it's your GUT you need to listen to, what is common sense telling you...certainly you don't want to go through this "alone"...but if you do, it won't kill you...it it uncomfortable, BUT that is ok....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (so they say).

 

Ok...what is meant to be will take place, it will happen...a good strategy in your situation IMO would be to be aloof, like you care, although not really...I know it's a game, although it's a win win sitch for you.

 

Remember, he is the "hunter"....give him something to hunt, don't be so available if in fact you are.

 

Men are natural born workers, what they haven't worked for they don't appreciate, they tend to take better care of what they've worked for.

 

Go with the flow...you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

[pureinheart]

Wow, IMTK...hadn't read any of the other replies....MBEG is right

 

Desertmoon....I wonder if there isn't stuff involved also...meaning he doesn't want to piss her off too bad and have her take him to the cleaners...exDM was VERY conderned about this.

[OWoman]

I don't even know what I asking other than maybe for some insight from anyone who has stood by their MM or MW through a divorce.

 

IMTK - I think your answers are right there in what you've written.

 

He feels guilt. He needs to work through that. Your presence - texting, speaking on the phone, whatever - reminds him of that. He needs to put space between his guilt, and your R. Otherwise the R you carry into the post-D phase will forever be draped in that guilt, and he'll be unable to shake it off.

 

You're having difficulty shifting phase - you have a R, so why downshift into a pre-R phase with less contact? It's not what you needed during your D, and it's not what you need now. Which is fair enough - and your needs are every bit as valid as his. But, you need to acknowledge his needs, understand the risks involved in not allowing him to work through things in the way he needs - and then negotiate some form of compromise, where at least some of your needs are met, and at least some of his.

 

Because right now your needs are in direct conflict - he needs space, you need reassurance - it's impossible for both of you to get all of your needs met. But it's also unhealthy for one of you to get all of your needs met while the other gets none of theirs met. So you need to strike a balance, where you both get enough of your needs met, while acknowledging that meeting the needs of the other matters too. (This kind of negotiation is a useful tool for Rs in general, so it's as good a time as any to get into that habit )

[her_halo_slipped]

IMTK.....I'm sorry to say this (and I cannot remember your whole story) but you sound so desperate and paranoid. What has he done to leave you feeling this way? I get from other posters to this thread that he has hurt you many times. What will it take for you to completely relax into this relationship and trust him?

He has made it clear he needs some space. IMHO you need to respect that and give him some space. You are too clingy and this just may be a noose around your neck if you are not careful. Men do not like to be smothered. Listen to the guy. He is just coming into a D that he did not orchestrate. One he likely has been forced into either by you or his W. either way his sentiment will be the same. Please step back. If you don't I just see this getting a whole lot worse for you in the long run. If he loves you then what is the problem?

I'm sorry to be the bearer of such negative sentiments but that is just how I read your post.